Survivor Recap: Parvarti is Really Showing Me Something

(BOD - Adriana Lima)

After Danielle’s elimination last week, it was great to see Russell finally start to see through Parvarti’s charm and feminine wiles. For the first thirty days, he was blinded by the lustre of a ‘hot’ girl fawning all over him and telling him how smart he is. Now he’s beginning to see Parvarti as a strategic game player who will have no problem stabbing him in the back.

Russell’s thinking with his brain instead of his penis (I wish I could say the same. Little Tewks has been running the show in my body since Grade 8).

The reward challenge promotional tie-in with Sprint’s Palm Pre was excruciating to watch. You would think, after 20 seasons, the Survivor crew could be a little more subtle with these advertisements. I could have done without the ten minute segment that pretty much just extolled the virtues of a shitty-looking phone.

I’ve never understood why contestants cry and blubber so much when their family members come to visit. Maybe it’s because I lack human emotion, but they’ve only been gone for thirty-something days. Plus, it’s not like they are facing undue hardships; they’re on a reality show! Mama and Papa Tewks wouldn’t even show up for that challenge were I there.

How about Russell’s wife? Wow. I really want to dislike the guy, but his babe of a wife forever destroys that possibility.

Colby berating his brother during the reward challenge was beyond hilarious. Why was he so upset? The fact his brother was just laughing off Colby’s craziness made the entire situation that much better. I don’t know what’s wrong with Colby. He seems completely disinterested. He only lasted fifteen seconds in the immunity challenge (we’ve all been there, brother) and wasn’t even paying attention at Tribal Council.

Somehow, he’ll end up winning. He’s got to turn it on and become the Colby of old at some point, right?

Jerri not taking Russell on the reward was a HUGE mistake, evidenced by Russell’s ominous comment, “She’s in trouble now.” Hell hath no fury like a toothless man scorned.

I hoped Rupert was gone as soon as I saw the footage of him stomping around at camp while everyone was trying to sleep. I would have lost my mind. That is one of my biggest pet peeves. I require complete silence when I sleep. I can’t have some jackass sawing wood while I’m trying to get my beauty rest.

I hate to say it, but Parvarti is a force to be reckoned with. She is currently dominating the social and physical aspects of the game. She can’t be stopped, unless the remaining four pull their heads out of their asses and vote her out. However, her biggest competition in the immunity challenges (Rupert) is no longer in the game, so they might not get a chance to get rid of Parvarti.

How Sandra is still in the game and in a position of power is beyond me. She’s played a fantastic mental game, which makes up for her being completely useless in challenges. She’s a dark horse pick to win. She’s really been the only one who has been able to manipulate Russell without the benefit of T and A, which is an impressive feat.

Tune in on Monday for a podcast recap of the finale.

The Apocalypse is Near

(BOD - Marissa Miller)

Obviously, the big story of last night was Game 7 between the Penguins and the Habs. It was also the first game for my senior rep baseball team and I was given the opening night start. Not wanting to write an article about the game from a highlight package, I entrusted CSzem to produce his thoughts on the Habs' second consecutive Game 7 showdown.

I rarely big up my pitching performances on this blog, but last night was a game I may never be able to replicate. Scroll about halfway down for the details (Look for all the Ks).

I do have to warn you that CSzem's article is a self-congratulatory opus on the greatness of the Montreal franchise. I could barely keep my breakfast down whilst reading it. It's also filled with an alarming amount of hubris for a team that has more horseshoes than an 18th century blacksmith.

(Edit: I just received an email from CSzem bemoaning the fact he forgot to mention that the game was a sellout at the Bell Centre in Montreal and the game was played in Pittsburgh. He can go fuck himself)

Yesterday was a surreal day from start to finish. All of you obviously know where this blog post is going to finish – unbridled euphoria and as many “Ole’s” as Tewks is willing to include. But how did we get there? It was a strange trip to say the least.

Early in the afternoon, I received a text from Tewks explaining his predicament for being unable to give proper attention to the following day's blog post. At that point (approx. 7 hours before gametime), I happily agreed, albeit with the requisite forewarning that if the Canadiens lost, more than half my allotted words were likely to be F-bombs. But as the day went on and puck drop drew nearer, a very odd feeling came over me: It was the overwhelming realization that in a matter of hours, I was going to either be elated or completely devastated. And there was no in between. Just a really surreal thing to think about, since (at the time) my mood was completely non-descript.

Sidenote: I am very aware that I'm an over-the-top sports fan. I'm totally OK with this. Everyone who knows me has learned to put up with it, or just avoids being near me when something of note (specifically a Canadiens game) is taking place. But I've reached an odd level of self-understanding. It is not normal to feel the way that I do about the Canadiens. I have many incredible things in my life that should take precedence, but invariably, I'm affected time and time again. I've tried to "care" less. I can't do it. More often than not, I wish I cared less. Wednesday night made it all seem worthwhile.

The game started, and instantly it became very obvious that this was not going to be a "normal" night. 10 seconds in, Sid the Kid to the box. 32 seconds in, 1-0 Habs. What the hell just happened?? The game wore on, and I'll spare you the details of the first period and a half - or more specifically the girlish screams I let out after each successive Canadiens goal.

At 4-0, my phone was basically buzzing constantly with congratulatory text messages. Nothing upsets me more. Karma sucks, and playoff hockey games are 60 minutes long. Did the Pens look ready to continue their implosion? Absolutely. I mean, what the hell was Gonchar doing on the Habs’ fourth goal?? But they weren't going to bend over and just take it for three whole periods in the (possibly) last ever game at the Igloo.

Then they scored two quick goals, and the lead was down to 2. You`re going to have to give me a little latitude here (“very little”), and trust that what I`m telling you next about the Canadiens is true. They were going to blow this game. They DID blow this game. I watched it happen multiple times during the year. I honestly and truly watch every game they play (I own a PVR and pay for the Sports Package solely for this purpose), and I`d seen this movie before. Hell, it even happened against the Caps in Round 1 (Game 2)!

I began considering my two options (keep in mind this is with a two goal lead and only 22 minutes to play):

Option 1 – “Man Up”

I write the blog, as agreed. Obviously I have to discuss my disappointment, and try to convey how I feel after such a devastating loss. Was the playoff run still a success?? I would discuss the fact that we had a 13.5 game run, and then the magic ran out, but I have a team I love and look forward to next year.

Option 2 – “Fuck off Tewks”

I send the following text message: “No way in hell I’m writing your stupid blog after that. Fuck you. Fuck everyone.”

I`d like to think I would have gone with Option 1, but I highly doubt it.

But as you all know, a funny thing happened on the way home. Nothing happened. We killed a few penalties, picked up a PP of our own (by the way, there was no way in hell any “judgment” calls were going the Habs’ way at this point....fortunately the Pens committed the “penalty du jour” with 6 skaters), buried a goal, and laughed off into the sunset.

So now all that`s left is the euphoria. It`s there for sure.....but it`s accompanied by something I was not at all expecting: An insatiable desire for more. Before tonight, it had honestly never occurred to me that the Canadiens could actually win the Stanley Cup at the end of this. It felt like we were in some separate bracket that was just for our fun little story but didn`t really have any bearing on the rest of the playoffs. But now? Bring on Philly or bring on Boston! We have unfinished business.

OLE, OLE, OLE, OLE.....OLE! OLE!!

GO HABS GO!!

What the Fuck is a G20 Summit?

I swear I was in a good mood until dinnertime yesterday. I truly was. I had a nice day at the casino, had some laughs at the blackjack table, won some money, chilled with senior citizens on the party bus, but all of that went up in flames in a matter of seconds.

I came home, turned on the TV, and discovered that Roy Halladay’s return to Toronto has been bumped to Philadelphia because of security concerns with the G20 summit. So many emotions are coursing through my body right now, all of them a shade of unbridled fury.

I don’t even know where to begin my rant on this travesty. I can’t think clearly and I’m worried that the end result will be less cogent than usual. Let’s start with the fact that global politics are depriving Jays fans of three home games.

The title of the column is not a joke. I really have no idea what the G20 is and why they need a summit. Also, why is said summit taking place in Toronto? Off to Wikipedia for answers.

Apparently, the G20 is comprised of the leaders and finance ministers of the world’s twenty top economies. The summits are “forum[s] for cooperation and consultation on matters pertaining to the international financial system. [They] study, review, and promote discussion (among key industrial and emerging market countries) of policy issues pertaining to the promotion of international financial stability, and seek to address issues that go beyond the responsibilities of any one organization.

What does this mean in layman’s terms? The self-proclaimed masters of the financial universe find it necessary to meet, at the taxpayer’s expense, and jerk each other off in congratulations for being so fiscally fantastic.

They really need a three day summit to do this? Couldn’t they just set up a huge conference call on Skype? Or even Chatroulette?

The security needed for such an endeavour is immense. More than a few media outlets have noted that the downtown core of the city will be like a “fortress.” Residents living close to the convention centre will be forced to register with a security detail in order to gain access to their homes.

Why? So these heads of state can flaunt their massive egos at how important they are and that they have the ability to shutdown a major metropolis on a whim. If the security concerns are so great in a city, then we should send these white collar pansies to a logging community in the Yukon and they can sing Kumbaya around a fire in complete safety.

Of course, they’d never go for that because this summit isn’t really about economic policy, it’s about these guys pulling down their figurative money pants and seeing whose financial junk is bigger. They won’t be happy unless they’re eating five star meals and sleeping in beds with 10,000 thread count sheets.

Do you want to know something else that is completely ridiculous about this entire situation? The G20 is holding ANOTHER FUCKING SUMMIT IN NOVEMBER!! Are you serious? They have so much to discuss that they’re going to do the whole thing over again in South Korea in six months?

These summits are the epitome of governmental excess. We the taxpayers are forced to pony up so Stephen Harper can watch Generally Horny Hospital in his suite at night.

My thoughts on the efficacy of the G20 notwithstanding, I wouldn’t even be that upset if the Jays had a random three game series bumped for the summit, but this would have been the prodigal son’s return.

A chance for 40,000 Blue Jays fans to celebrate the great performances Doc has given us over the years; a chance for a loud and boisterous standing ovation to honour the greatest pitcher in franchise history; a chance to see the normally stoic Halladay shed a tear in appreciation for the city’s adoration.

Who knows when we will get that chance? There’s no guarantee Philly will be here next year. This June would have been perfect.

Plus, on a personal level, CSzem, Gretzpo and I had planned on celebrating Doc in a unique way. We were going to make a sign declaring us ‘Roy’s Boys’. We would have worn cut-off jean shorts, long wigs and aviators, all while having our chests bared for the world to see. An appearance on Sportscentre would have been guaranteed and, possibly, some acknowledgement from Roy as well.

Now, that is all for naught.

I hope the G20 summit is a giant, stinky turd of failure.

A Column Quickie

(BOD - Cameron Diaz; yesterday's was Sofia Vergara)

CSzem isn’t the only who can force himself into the good graces of the women in his life by a well-timed Mother’s day shout-out. I’m actually going to take things up a notch with my plans for this glorious Tuesday morning.

In approximately thirty minutes, I will be stepping onto a bus with Mama and Grandma Tewks destined for Casino Rama with fifty senior citizens born during the Depression. I literally have no idea what to expect. I’m setting the over/under at marriage proposals for eligible granddaughters at seven.

Not only do I get a full afternoon of gambling, but I also get a free buffet lunch. Are you kidding me? That’s amazing. I cannot wait till I get old. It will be a very smooth transition for me.

Thus, since the bus leaves so early this morning, today’s column will be an abridged version of my usual fare. Not wanting to leave my dear readers in a lurch, I made some quick notes on Game 6 of the Penguins/Canadiens series last night to satiate your appetites for my stellar writing.

The Canadiens leapt out to a 1-0 and what happened thirty seconds later? He Who Hits Bombs sent me the following text: ‘Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!!!!!!!’ What a jackass. I’m being haunted by the fans of this overrated franchise everywhere I go.

All the talk about Montreal having the most knowledgeable fan base in the game makes me sick to my stomach. Not only do they use that stupid soccer chant, but I heard the crowd start a ‘De-Fence! De-Fence!’ during Pittsburgh’s first power play. What is wrong with these people? That’s a basketball cheer. This is hockey for Chrissakes.

Bob Cole is just fantastic. Playoff hockey is great to watch, but having Cole announce the games is like pouring maple syrup on a stack of fluffy pancakes. The inflections in his voice when something big is about to happen is just magical. I don’t know what he did over the past couple of years to regain his top form, but he sounds like he could call games into his eighties.

Lapierre’s goal was gorgeous. I have to give credit where credit’s due. He looked like a young Tewks terrorizing house league games fifteen years ago.

The pace in the third period was fantastic. Back and forth action by both teams. Team allegiances aside, the Penguins and Habs have provided great theatre through six games; maybe it’s fitting that Pittsburgh will win Game 7 at home.

(Do you see what I did there?)

I’m off to win some cash. I fully expect to have a comped suite by noon. I might never come back.

Talkin' with Tewks Live

With my unparalleled powers of persuasion (how else am I able to seduce women into the boudoir?), I was able to coerce CSzem into recording another podcast on the NHL playoffs even though Les Habitants appear to be on their last legs.

Not only did we dissect each second round series thus far, but we have a discussion on Dallas Braden's perfect game yesterday afternoon and how happy A-Rod must have been to see the highlights on television. Also, at the end of the podcast, we talk about what's on tap for the rest of the summer in terms of blog coverage.

There is lots of stuff happening and the twenty minutes will just fly by. Enjoy.

Talkin' with Tewks Live - NHL Playoffs

As I teased in the man-cation review podcast last week, Gretzpo and I recreated the epic beach run scenes from Rocky III while we were in Cuba. I've been hard at work mashing clips together from the actual movie and our 'Blair Witch type' footage.

Considering I am a moron when it comes to computers, I actually think it turned out fairly well. Remember, I am playing Apollo Creed and Gretzpo is playing Rocky. The reasoning stems from our Pueto matches. Gretzpo has power, but lacks fitness and speed. I have it in spades, evidenced by my victory in six matches.

Therefore, I (as Apollo) am trying to train Gretzpo (Rocky) how to Pueto like me.

"You Pueto great, but I'm a great Pueto-er."

Not a Survivor Recap

I know I usually dissect episodes of Survivor on Friday mornings, but I was once again felled by a night of drinking and missed the opportunity. I am a pitching instructor for a local 13 year old boys’ baseball team. I am there to impart my infinite wisdom on the art of pitching.

How I am allowed within 100 feet of such impressionable minds is beyond me, but I relish the opportunity to give back to the game I love. Also, the parents on the team like to party. I planned on being home in time to watch Survivor but, as I was leaving the diamond, the coaches asked if I wanted a beer. Yes I would.

I walk over to their trucks and they have a case of beer laid out and we weren’t leaving until it was finished. And this was after a non-descript practice in May. I can’t imagine what that means for hot, summer game days or tournaments. I may well be a raging alcoholic by Labour Day.

Oh, yeah, I guess the kids are ok too.

I was able to catch Survivor on PVR late last night, but I was in no condition to make notes for a recap, so here are my quick thoughts:

I really could have done without the high definition shot of Danielle’s hairy armpits during the first immunity challenge. She looked like Big Foot. Also, what is wrong with her breasts? She should be getting her money back for that terrible boob job. It looked like there was crumpled tissue paper in her bare cleavage. Disgusting.

Parvarti is starting to grow me on a little bit as a terrific Survivor contestant, especially contrasted with Danielle’s meltdown at Tribal Council which basically led to her ouster. Allow Wes Mantooth to perfectly encapsulate my feelings on Parvarti: “I hate you Parvarti. I hate you with every fibre of my being, but goddamn it, do I ever respect you.”

Russell is just on another level mentally than the rest of the contestants. He’s like a Svengali. The way he was able to get inside’s Danielle’s head and just break her down emotionally was mesmerizing to witness. He’s also much better physically than most people realize. Russell is definitely separating himself from the pack in this game.

My upset special: Colby is going to win the whole thing. He was designated for elimination weeks ago, but somehow has managed to keep sliding under the radar. If he can ever find his long-lost immunity challenge prowess, he is going to be a very dangerous competitor in the remaining episodes.

I was also able to catch the hockey highlights of last night’s games. The Montreal Canadiens have so many horseshoes up their asses, it actually makes me sick to my stomach. What cheap goals they scored last night. On a personal note, CSzem is already insufferable and the series is only tied 2-2.

If the Habs somehow pull this series out, he will put on the blog’s no podcast list until Montreal is eliminated from contention. I can just picture him singing Ole, Ole, Ole for 15 consecutive minutes while I have a heart attack from the stress. That is not going to happen. The blog’s arrogant jackass threat level has just been raised to orange.

Johann Franzen is a playoff stud. I have literally never heard anything about the guy in the regular season, but he absolutely dominates in the playoffs. Six points last night, including a hat trick in under four minutes. He’s my kind of guy. Likewise, I can have sex three times in under four minutes.

Franzen also has a terrific nickname: The Mule. That tells you exactly what kind of player he is. If Franzen was Canadian, Don Cherry would have made out with him on Coach’s Corner by now. He personifies playoff hockey.

What a beauty.

Have a great weekend.

The Situation Room with Tewks

In Cuba, the very limited English speaking channels available on television led me to become a regular viewer of CNN during my naptime. I’ve never really watched CNN in earnest before, but I think they have to lead North America in ‘beating a dead horse’ when it comes to reporting the news.

They report the same shit over and over again, but just talk to new ‘experts’ every hour to make it seem like there are new developments in the story when, of course, there never are.

In a fortuitous bit of luck (from a blog writing standpoint), my CNN experience coincided directly with the signing of Arizona’s harsh new immigration law that has the United States divided. I watched a boatload of coverage on this issue, thought about it over the last week or so, and, now, have finally decided to weigh in with my opinion.

Illegal immigration is a huge problem in border states such as Arizona. The first draft of this law gave local law enforcement the ability to ask anyone they suspected of being an illegal immigrant (i.e. non-white) to see their immigration papers to ensure they were in Arizona legally.

In a perfect world, such a law should be able to work as the police force would only question people engaged in duplicitous behaviour or who ‘looked illegal’; they wouldn’t bother to question a native-born Hispanic family of four out grocery shopping.

But, then you have a problem of what constitutes ‘looking illegal’? What does that even mean? Surely, one man’s definition would be completely different from another’s. There is no black and white (pardon the pun) definition on the matter. There is too much room for interpretation and the opportunity for police to hassle legal residents purely because of the colour of the skin.

Plus, the Nazis tried to do a similar thing with the Jews in World War II and we all know how well that turned out. It’s a very dangerous precedent the Arizona government is trying to set with this divisive piece of legislation.

While I don’t agree with the first draft of this law, I was not pleased with how quickly the majority of the nation (many of whom do not have to deal with the problems of illegal immigration) were so quick to blast Arizona and talk idiotically about boycotting the state.

There is a reason such a proposal was put forth in the first place. Residents of Arizona are fed up with the problems of illegal immigrants. Can you imagine living in a border town and having illegal immigrants drag guns and drugs across your property? Or have them break into your house to steal money and food? Or engage in shootouts with border patrol agents footsteps from your front door?

Let’s not be so quick to condemn Arizonans until we’ve had a chance to take a walk in their shoes.

I love the amendment to the law, which states that police can only ask to see immigration papers if a person is caught doing something illegal (from breaking and entering to a minor traffic violation). What I don’t understand is how this is not a law already. Does this mean that, prior to two weeks ago, you could be an illegal immigrant arrested in Arizona and not have to prove US citizenship? That seems preposterous.

People are still claiming this law is discriminatory. Yeah? Well don’t break the law and you won’t be forced to prove your citizenship. Case closed.

I saw one story on CNN where a 21 year old college student was arrested for a minor misdemeanour and she was found to be an illegal immigrant and thus faces deportation. Social groups are up in arms that police should be focusing on catching drug smugglers instead of hassling this girl. Ideally, you would love for that happen, but the fact is she’s an illegal immigrant. Just because she’s not ‘a bad one’ doesn’t mean she’s not still breaking the law.

Hockey or American Idol: To Watch or Not to Watch?

I am in a very generous and giving mood at the moment, so, for that reason, today’s column will have something for everyone. Last night, I flipped back and forth between the Penguins and Habs game and the Top 5 performances of American Idol.

Therefore, I will discuss my thoughts on the game for the hockey fans and my thoughts on the singing for my female readers. Plus, this will give everyone an opportunity to call me gay for watching American Idol in the first place. It’s a win-win-win.

However, don’t get used to this. Generous and giving are two adjectives that do not usually apply to me. Especially in the bedroom (I typically wear ‘Ribbed for Her Pleasure’ condoms inside out).

Before I get to the game action, I have some more vitriol to direct to the 20,000 Francophones who packed the Bell Centre last night. Did anyone else notice that, just prior to the singing of the American National Anthem, the public address announcer named the US-born players on the Canadiens roster?

Do you know why he did this? Because Montreal fans have a tendency to loudly boo ‘The Star Spangled Banner’ whenever it’s played. Now, I have no problem mocking and insulting Americans, but the national anthem should be off limits. It’s just plain disrespectful and indicative of the idiocy of Habs fans.

However, two minutes later, I got goosebumps when the crowd sang ‘O Canada’ in unison. What a terrific moment. I wish the singer would have put his ego aside for a moment and let the crowd take over. If Habs fans and I had a Facebook relationship, our status would be ‘It’s Complicated’.

Aaron Kelly – ‘Fly Me to the Moon’

Ol’ Blue Eyes would be rolling around in his grave if he watched that little pipsqueak tepidly warble through one of his greatest hits. How Aaron Kelly is still in this competition is beyond me. He sounded terrible, lacks charisma and stage presence, and he makes Justin Bieber look like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Sid the Kid was pretty much invisible to me for long stretches of the game last night, which is an improvement over Game 2, when I could actually tell he was terrible. Crosby had brief moments of stellar play, but they were few and far between.

The scrum at the end of the second period shows me that the Canadiens are getting under his skin. He seems be to be trying to force things way too much. I still think he might be hurt. You can’t go from thoroughly dominating Ottawa to disappearing against the Habs without a valid explanation.

Casey James – ‘Blue Skies’

Someone needs to tell Casey that the mark of a great performer is not grinning like an idiot through an entire song, no matter how upbeat or morose the lyrics are. The guy looks like a robot and just keeps turning in bland performances week after week. He should be fronting bands at local bars and pubs and nothing more.

The most underrated story of this series is the play of PK Subban. He was an emergency call-up when Andrei Markov went down and he’s gone from a sixth defenseman to the top of Habs depth chart in three games. It seemed like Subban was on the ice for entire game last night.

Plus, he doesn’t look out of place one bit. In fact, he dominated for stretches last night and the fans love him. How cool would it be, as a 21 year old, to have 20,000 people chanting your name?

Crystal Bowersox – ‘Summer Skies’

There’s nothing really left to be said about Crystal. She’s fantastic, although she may be developing more of a attitude than I’d like to see. She talks back to the judges and disagrees with any semblance of constructive criticism given to her. That said, she is on a different playing field than the rest in terms of pure vocal ability.

The only reason Montreal even has a chance in this series is because of the play of Jaroslav Halak. Once the Penguins got their legs going, they came at Halak in waves, but the Habs netminder was up to the challenge. If this series goes six or seven games and the Habs lose, my MVP vote would have to go to Halak.

He has earned himself quite a raise with his play this postseason.

Michael Lynche – ‘The Way You Look Tonight’

Good voice. Abrasive, arrogant personality. Think he’s way better than he is. Big Mike is kind of like my kindred spirit.

Marc-Andre Fleury out-Halaked Halak last night. For the first time this postseason, Fleury put the team on his back and pretty much carried the Penguins to victory. He made a couple of terrific saves that kept the game scoreless when his teammates were struggling to pull their heads out of their asses.

That save on Cammaleri’s one-timer was ridiculous. Fleury goes from east to west better than any goaltender in the league.

Lee Dewyze – ‘That’s Life’

Here is a contestant who is fantastic, but has no idea just how good he really is. Lee reminds me of Kris Allen from last year. Each week he just keeps getting better and better. Much like Kris Allen, I have a sneaking suspicion that Lee will ride this wave of momentum all the way to a victory at the Nokia Theatre at the end of the month.

You heard it here first.

Second Round Playoff Thoughts

Due to my Cuban vacation, I was unable to properly gloat on the genius that was my prognostication of the NHL’s first round playoff matchups. So, allow me to do that now:

Out of the eight series, I correctly predicted the winners in four of them for a 50% average. Actually, that’s not very good at all. Trust me, I know. I had the same average throughout my university career. I would have done equally as well flipping a coin.

Luckily, I’ve never been one to laud my hockey knowledge and I know for a fact that I bested some of the talking heads on Canada’s Sports Leader, so I’m going to get right back on the horse and give my thoughts on the second round series’ thus far.

(Quick aside before we get going: with the Toronto Blue Jays seemingly having at least one pitcher a week throw upwards of 6 complete innings of no-hit ball, I feel it necessary to weigh on the proper etiquette of how to broach the subject. Everyone knows that you don’t mention a no-hitter outright; that’s just common knowledge.

However, I got two texts last night in the sixth inning of Brett Cecil’s masterful start last night. They both said something like ‘Are you watching the game?’ and ‘How about Cecil?’ Right away, I knew that something historic was afoot. But, as a pitcher, I also know how hard it is to actually throw a no-hitter (my first one was last year). And it only gets tougher as the games moves into the deeper innings.

There’s no point getting excited if a guy is perfect through five or six innings; there’s just too much game left. It really shouldn’t even warrant a mention until the guy has thrown seven complete. Then, the finish line is in sight and the magnitude of the situation can be properly calibrated.

In sum: If a pitcher is weaving a no-no, keep your pants on until after the seventh inning stretch.)

Pittsburgh vs. Montreal

The Canadiens are playing with house money at this point and that makes them a very dangerous team for the rest of the postseason. They are playing free and loose hockey right now. Everyone, including the players, knows they shouldn’t be in this position.

As a proud Canadian, I should be pulling for Les Habitants because they are one of only two Canadian teams remaining in the playoffs, but I cannot, in good conscience, support an organization that has a fan base comprised of those douchebags I was forced to associate with in Cuba.

My man-love for Sid the Kid reached a crescendo during the first round, but I am very concerned with his play in Game 2. I’ve never really noticed this before, especially watching on television, but Crosby was absolutely terrible on Sunday afternoon. He looked lazy and disinterested which are two adjectives I never thought I’d hear about Sid the Kid.

If he doesn’t bounce back tonight, my guess is that he’s injured. Transcendent players don’t just disappear in the playoffs (especially after dominating the first round).

Philadelphia vs. Boston

I didn’t pick either of these teams to make it to the second round, so I am boycotting the series in protest. Boston, up two zip, has obviously been buoyed by the return of Marc Savard, which was great to see. I don’t see the Bruins letting this one slip away.

Vancouver vs. Chicago

My adoration for Bobby Lu and his masterful performance at the Olympics in February is only eclipsed by my ongoing hatred of Patrick Kane. My vitriol will never cease; or at least until I punch him in the face at a bar in London this summer. There’s actually a 25 percent chance that scenario will actually take place.

This is great series and I have to give Vancouver the edge at the moment because they nullified Chicago’s home ice advantage with that dominating Game 1 victory. Plus, the Hawks got lucky last night.

San Jose vs. Detroit

What a great juxtaposition between two franchises in terms of previous playoff success. It’s time for a changing of the guard. It’s now the Sharks turn to shine in the spring. Plus, they are currently up 2-0 after spanking the Wings twice on home ice. Even San Jose can’t blow this one.

Right?

Talkin' with Tewks Live: Trip Review and The Week in Sports

(This week's BODs are all courtesy He Who Hits Bombs. They are photos of women that he pleasures himself to. Unfortunately, I do not have their names)

What a trip. This was the third annual heterosexual man-cation that Gretzpo and I have taken in the last three years. For those of you new to the blog, here is the recap of last year's festivities (It's a must read for some of the podcast points to make sense and also provides context for the disturbing pictures to follow).

Be forewarned, this is the longest podcast to date and CSzem and I barely scratched the surface of what we wanted to discuss.

Talkin' with Tewks Live - Trip Review and The Week in Sports

Now for the pictures. This explanation is borrowed from last year's recap:

Everyone’s seen Casino Royale, correct? The film where Daniel Craig breathed new life into the James Bond franchise.

Remember that scene when he comes out of the water all jacked up and struts on the beach looking back and forth?

Well we were so inspired by that sequence that we walked like that everywhere on the resort. Never looking straight ahead, in a perma-flexed position, we made hearts swoon with every step (both men and women; the Daniel Craig strut does not discriminate).

For your viewing pleasure I present the following:

Look at how much better shape we are in compared to last year's photo shoot. A better advertisement for Crossfit I cannot fathom.

Talkin' with Tewks Live: NHL Playoff Roundup

(BOD - With an ass like that, does it matter what her name is?)

As promised, here is this week's edition of Talkin' with Tewks Live. I wanted to wait until last night to record it because I wanted the playoff series to get halfway finished so there would be more to discuss about each series.

Just a reminder, this will be the last new entry posted until May 3, when I return from my well-earned vacation.

Talkin' with Tewks Live - NHL Playoffs

Enjoy.

See you in 10 days.

A Great Time to be a Sports Fan

(BOD - Julianne Hough; with apologies to AC)

I have nothing to be upset about right now. I am in a good mood and there is nothing happening in the sports world that has sufficiently drawn my ire to write about today. I don’t know if it’s the weather or the fact I will double-fisting pina coladas in 72 hours, but last night I contemplated just how great it is to be a sports fan right now.

And by now, I don’t mean 2010. I don’t want to get into a philosophical discussion about how great technology makes following sports in the 21st century. The main reason I don’t want to discuss that angle is that I would be buried under a deluge of techno-speak once I got past High Definition feeds.

No, it’s great to be a sports fan in April. Why?

In Canada and the Northern United States, the weather begins a march towards the mercury-busting temperatures of summer. Nice weather just puts people in a better mood; and sports fans are people so this point applies.

The first golf major of the year takes place. Nothing kicks spring off quite like the schmaltzy music and vivid greens of Augusta National Golf Club. It’s the most entertaining golf tournament to watch in the world.

The start of baseball season. I could wax poetic for thousands of words about my love for America’s pastime. It’s the perfect summer sport. And with each of the 30 teams in Major League Baseball playing a 162 game schedule, it is possible to watch a game every day for the next seven months. How fantastic is that?

The NHL playoffs. I’ve been pretty brutal on hockey over the past year, but that’s only because I don’t care to watch the watered-down product that is a 30 team regular season. Every team in the league has at least three players who don’t belong on an NHL roster. The bad teams have even more. I’m looking in your direction, Toronto Maple Leafs.

But, I do love hockey when it’s played by supremely gifted players, which is why I followed Crosby and Ovechkin so closely during the year. I also loved watching the Olympics as that tournament featured the best players in the world playing with conviction and tremendous skill every single game.

The NHL playoffs, thus far, have done the same thing. The pace of play has been fantastic and every game has been entertaining. Is it a coincidence that the goon squad of mediocre players get zero ice time? Nope, because fighting is not a part of playoff hockey. The postseason is hockey at its best: playing on the edge with passion. It’s not picking a fight because you don’t possess another discernible hockey skill.

The NBA playoffs. Much like hockey, I don’t really follow the sport as a whole during the regular season, but I do keep an eye on transcendent talents like LeBron and Kobe. Too often, NBA players are disengaged during the regular season and just go through the motions (I watched Vince Carter do this night after night for years).

However, I do watch the playoffs because the level of play rises considerably and the games are riveting to watch. Case in point, the duel between Kobe and Kevin Durant in Los Angeles last night. Now that was exciting basketball. It’s not exciting to watch the Raptors lose by 10 in Memphis on a random Wednesday night.

What’s more, the previous three points can all be viewed every single night for the next two months. How great is that? It really is an embarrassment of riches.

Sports fans should count their blessings and remember this time when the dog days of August roll around and the only viewing option are baseball games where the players’ only goal is to not melt in the sun; batting average and ERA be damned.

Attendance Woes for Jays Continue

(BOD - Natalie Gulbis)

The Toronto Blue Jays continue to flirt with the .500 mark through the first two weeks of the regular season. And this is without having played any games against the three big dogs in the AL East. So, can all the moronic fans predicting an asinine 90 plus wins for this team please cool their jets.

If Toronto can stay within spitting distance of mediocrity until the first day of summer, then this 15th consecutive year of rebuilding should be deemed a success.

The big issue that has gotten a lot of traction over the past week has been the pitiful attendance number for the Jays’ first homestand of the season (save for the Home Opener when the Rogers Centre was filled with drunken hooligans like CSzem).

While I do think it’s a disturbing trend that the team is struggling to draw five figures in a building designed for 50,000, the situation isn’t nearly as bad as some media outlets would have you believe.

I don’t even want to address the idiocy of the comments made by that hack White Sox columnist and the reprehensible Alex Rios that there are no baseball fans in this country, baseball is dead in Canada, and the team should be moved to the United States.

Wasting my time writing about such ill-informed trash would be hazardous to my health.

The dearth of fans attending Blue Jays games this season has nothing to do with ‘the death of baseball’ in this country. It has everything to do with people not wanting to spend their hard-earned money on such a lacklustre product.

Canadian baseball fans are much smarter than Canadian hockey fans. How else can you explain the Air Canada Centre being filled to capacity for every single Leafs game when the team hasn’t been relevant in almost a decade?

Baseball fans will show up to the Rogers Centre when there is a good product on the field and there’s a legitimate possibility that the Jays will fight for a playoff spot. Also, every year the first couple of homestands draw horrible crowds. Why? There are a myriad of reasons.

I like baseball just as much as the next person, but if I’m going to spend three hours of my day at the stadium, then I need a couple of assurances: a hot sun, cold beer, and the opportunity to take my shirt off. They won’t open the roof consistently for another few weeks; once the warm weather is here to stay, the crowds will begin to increase. It’s a great afternoon activity for the whole family.

The team traded the best player in franchise history in the offseason. We will get over the departure of Roy Halladay, but it’s going to take some time. Also, the fact he might not lose a start the entire season isn’t exactly speeding up the healing process.

With 81 home games, baseball is a different animal than hockey or basketball. There is ample opportunity throughout the summer to see the team play. With hockey and basketball, you need to be proactive in obtaining tickets, but you can go to a baseball game pretty much any day or time you want.

At the end of the year, the team will still average 20,000-25,000 fans as they have for the last few years.

A memo to the Blue Jays brain trust: put a competitive product on the field and people will come. Oh, they will most definitely come.

Kick-Ass Kicked Ass

(BOD - Caroline Wozniacki)

I need to take care of some general housecleaning before I dive into today’s column. This week’s Talkin’ with Tewks Live podcast will be moved to Thursday. Also, Thursday’s entry will be the last column until May 3.

I am embarking on another heterosexual man-cation with my pal Gretzpo. We’ve been doing the same vacation for three years and in no way is that depressing. Once again, we will be returning to the Communist paradise of Cuba.

While most people like to relax and unwind on an all-inclusive vacation, we do nothing of the sort. We play sports for eight hours a day. We actually return home in superior physical condition than when we left (although this year, I’m not sure if it’s theoretically possible for me to be in better shape).

Also, it seems that I have something of a secret admirer. In Friday’s comments section, 'Anonymous' posted the following: “I’ve got the biggest crush on you right now (in the least creepiest way possible).”

Now, with my luck, that was probably posted by some dude, but it certainly won’t stop me from fantasizing about some smoking hot babe expressing her adoration for my work.

I saw Kick-Ass on Saturday night and I will be the first to admit that I was blown away. The movie was fantastic. I’m usually not a fan of superhero fare; I never really understood the attraction. I prefer my heroes to be real guys, like Rambo and Rocky Balboa.

There was a lot of discussion about how violent and gory the movie is, and how the foul language will be the moral undoing of America’s children, but it was all much ado about nothing. Sure, it was violent, but nothing really out of the ordinary. The edits during the fight scenes were so incredibly quick that any gruesome imagery didn’t make a lasting impression.

The cursing wasn’t too extreme either. It was pretty typical of a movie made in the post Superbad era. What most people were concerned with was the words coming out of the mouth of Hit Girl and how she’s a bad influence on kids.

Turthfully, I don't think she said anything that offensive. She let loose with a couple of f-bombs and said ‘cock’ once; nothing too crazy. One of the best parts of the movie was when she referred to a group of gangbangers as ‘cunts’; that part killed me.

Every scene with Hit Girl and Big Daddy (played by Nicolas Cage) had me enthralled from start to finish. They had a great father/daughter chemistry and somehow made bloodthirsty vigilantism seem sweet.

The filmmakers also made the movie much more realistic than I thought. The titular character was actually a pretty pathetic hero. The writers could have taken the easy way out and had Kick-Ass, uh, kick ass as soon as he put on his green and yellow wetsuit.

Instead, the first time he tried to stop a couple of dirtbag thugs from committing a crime, he ended up getting stabbed in the stomach and hit by a car. Actually, he pretty much spent the entire movie getting the shit kicked out of him. Even Hit Girl and Big Daddy weren’t immune to feeling the wrath of the bad guys. Hit Girl’s final fight scene was actually kind of difficult to watch. It’s strange seeing a grown man chokeslam a little girl (albeit one who could kick my ass).

My one problem with the movie was the completely unrealistic, and formulaic, romantic relationship. Shockingly, Kick-Ass was able to get the girl of his dreams. How? She thought he was gay, they became close friends, he told her he was Kick-Ass and that he wasn’t actually gay, then she had sex with him.

What?

Their entire friendship was based on lies and, not only was she cool with she it, but she banged him five minutes after discovering the truth. Completely ridiculous. Plus, she was way too hot for him. But, they did have a pretty graphic sex scene outside of a comic bookstore and it was pretty sweet. So, I’m torn.

Also, the end of the movie was set up perfectly for a sequel. I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. The premise seems like more of a one-time thing for me. But, I can guarantee that if Kick-Ass makes $100 million at the box office, Kick-Ass 2 will be crammed down our throats sooner than later.

Verdict: 4 Therapy Sessions for Being Attracted to Hit Girl out of 5

Survivor Recap: The Heroes are Morons

(BOD - Angelina Jolie)

Back to my regularly scheduled Friday programming and a recap of last night’s Survivor episode. I purposely skipped last week’s episode because I was still reeling from Boston Rob’s ouster and used my silence on the matter as a protest.

However, I’m back and, evidently, I picked a great week to do so.

Let’s start off with the reward challenge. I hate challenges that pretty much boil down to a game of ‘Who Can Last the Longest?’ My hatred primarily stems from the constant reminder of my lacklustre sexual stamina.

Not only that, but such challenges are kind of boring and require zero physical strength or intelligence. Need proof? The fact the Villains won the challenge so handily just proves how horrible and useless the challenge was. Women shouldn’t be able to beat men in anything; unless it was a household chores contest (Ba-dum-cha!).

Did you know the challenge was sponsored by Outback Steakhouse? I had no idea. Probst only mentioned it 12 times in three minutes. I loved how Colby let loose with a “Bloomin’ Onion!” to try to get in their next ad campaign.

I was so jealous of that immunity idol note Parvarti received at the Outback reward dinner. It got passed from Parvarti’s underwear to Danielle’s bikini top. What a wild ride. I would pay five grand to be able to get that close to Danielle’s magnificent cleavage (if she makes it to the finals, I hope someone writes down ‘Danielle’s Breasts’ as their vote).

I really hate JT. He’s such a moron, and a bit of a douchebag. His comment that, “I didn’t even want to win the reward; I’ve eaten thousands of steaks in my life” made me want to punch him in the face. Well, look at you JT. You’re like the Queen of England.

The Heroes deciding to give the immunity idol to Russell is the dumbest thing I have ever seen on this show. I don’t understand why they assume there is a woman’s alliance. And why would they vocalize those thoughts when the Villains are in earshot? Just a monumentally stupid decision.

The comedy of JT writing a note to Russell with instructions with what to do with the immunity idol was off the charts hilarious. Watching JT write that letter was like watching a nine year old write a gushing fan letter to Justin Bieber. But, I have a question: where the hell did they get pen and paper from?

The entire passing of the immunity idol to Russell seemed a little fishy to me. Opposing tribes never congratulate each other after challenges. Jeff always sends the losers back to camp immediately. The entire scene seemed staged to me.

Tribal council was kind of boring. I am completely ambivalent to Courtney going home. But, how great did Coach look as the first member of the jury? He looked like an ancient Indian Shaman. He’s the best.

Was it just me or does Danielle have a mustache? There was a very weird shadow going on in her upper lip region. It was very distracting and took away some of my enjoyment of her breasts.

Next week’s merge episode looks fantastic.

A Disappointing Night of Television

(BOD - Katie Price)

TV really let me down last night. I always thought we had a simple, uncomplicated relationship. I sit on my ass, in various stages of undress, and it entertains me with mindless entertainment and professional sports coverage.

I don’t know what the hell TV’s problem was last night (maybe I haven’t paid enough attention to it recently), but it was acting like a huge bitch. Everywhere I turned, the viewing options at my disposal left me bitterly disappointed and upset. That’s not the way it’s supposed to be.

Let’s recap, shall we:

The first night of the NHL playoffs commenced and, since I stuck my neck out in handicapping the first round matchups, I figured I would tune in to see how great my hockey knowledge really is.

Shit.

Of the four games on last night, the team that I picked to win the series lost every damn game. How is that even possible? I understand that it’s a long series, but it’s still disconcerting to see my teams rack up L’s at such an alarming rate.

I focused the majority of my attention to the Penguins/Senators game because of my man love for Kid Crosby. One thing I didn’t understand right from the start of the game is why the Penguins decided to hand out white towels and white shirts to their fans.

I understand the premise of dressing your crowd monochromatically to intimidate your opponent, but white seems like a stupid colour choice. Waving a white flag is the universal signal of surrender. When boxers are getting destroyed in the ring, their corners throw in a white towel.

By getting Penguins fans to wave white towels, aren’t you submitting to the Senators?

Not only that, but the Senators were dressed in white, the Penguins in black, so it looked like the game was being held in Ottawa. Shouldn’t the crowd be dressed in all black? That would look pretty sweet on camera.

After the Senators held off a furious charge by the Penguins in the waning moments of the third period, I switched over to the Blue Jays game looking for something to brighten my mood. I figured it was a safe bet since they are first place in the AL East and are playing extremely well so far this year.

They were down by a touchdown and a field goal. The team really needs to get rid of Brandon Morrow. He sucks. That’s two shitty starts in a row and I don’t even think he pitched that well in spring training (which is meaningless in the first place).

The only reason he’s getting a shot at the rotation is because he’s young, big and strong, and he throws really hard. Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but it doesn’t mean shit if you can’t throw the ball over the fucking plate.

I am so sick of teams giving shots to fireballers who don’t know how to pitch. I don’t care if you can throw 120 miles an hour. If you can’t get it near the strikezone, then you don’t belong in the major leagues.

Luckily, the only person who hates walks more than I do is Cito Gaston, so I don’t see Mr. Morrow being a part of the starting rotation by Victoria Day.

The final kick in the nuts I suffered at the hands of my television took place on the results show of American Idol (any straight men still reading may want to log off now). Two contestants were scheduled to be eliminated last night because the judges’ evoked the ‘Judges’ Save’ last week to rescue Big Mike from falling back into obscurity.

The first person voted off was Andrew Garcia, a decision which I had no problem with. However, I cannot, in good conscience, support Katie Stevens’ ouster. She was the last hot chick remaining in the competition. Now who am I supposed to ogle?

I understand that she is only 17 years old, but if I’m mature enough to cast away any lingering doubts about our age difference, then why can’t the rest of the world?

However, a sliver of light made its way into my gloomy existence with the news that Carrie Underwood will be returning to my TV next week as part of the Idol Gives Back special.

Just when I think I’m out, they keep pulling me back in.

Guest Column: CSzem vs The 18th Amendment

(BOD: Nicole Scherzinger)

Based on the great insider info we received from the Masters last week, and in a continued effort to legitimize the relevancy of the blog, I sent CSzem on assignment to cover the Blue Jays home opener on Monday night.

Why did I entrust my podcast co-host to take on such a important task? Do I believe he is a better writer or funnier than me? Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. But, I will never show my face at Opening Day for the reasons CSzem outlines below.

Furthermore, I don't like people to begin with. Why would I want to be around 50,000 of them in close quarters?

I do like CSzem's recap of the night though. It almost feels like I was there. His thesis: Tewks is always right.

However, I don't understand the title of his column. What is the 18th Amendment? It sounds like a shitty John Grisham novel.

Alex Rios is an asshole. More on that later, but I had to get it off my chest.

Sunday night, after finishing up our post-Masters podcast, the conversation between Tewks and I quickly turned to baseball. And why wouldn't it? The Good Doctor is thriving in Philly as we predicted, a number of bullpen collapses throughout the league have led to multiple exciting finishes around the league, and - of course - the Jays are off to yet another terrific start.

"I'm coming down to the Home Opener", I remarked to your regular blogger, "Are you going as well?"

This seemed like a reasonable question, and one I thought I knew the answer to. Tewks, however, threw me one of his trademark 12-6 curveballs by quickly jumping into a tirade about how he simply refuses to go to Opening Day. Ever the curmudgeon, his fury extended to parking attendants, traffic cops, other fans, and I think he even took a shot at underprivileged kids with disabilities.

I countered: What could be wrong with 50,000 screaming fans actually giving a crap for one game? Traffic, schmaffic. I'll deal with it.

The early returns on the trip were excellent. The traffic getting into town was considerably lighter than I expected and parking was a breeze. But, then it started.

"It" was the near total lack of ability for me to find beer to drink. I don't want to sound like an alcoholic here (I prefer to continue living the lie), but when I go to a baseball game, I expect to be able to drink plenty of beer. Right after we parked the car, we headed to a series of pubs/restaurants in hopes of grabbing a few pre-game pints – to no avail. Everywhere was packed.

I guess that's to be expected. There were lots of people around, which is a good thing. It means people care about this team and this game.

So we went inside the Dome. Since we were there a good hour and a half before the first pitch, the place was pretty empty. We grabbed a few beers, played “let’s see how many I can drink before the first pitch” (answer: 4), and enjoyed heckling Alex Rios.

Amazingly, Rios wasn’t even the most worthy adversary for my ire during the pre-game festivities. Out of nowhere appeared my nemesis: former Blue Jays broadcaster/the Antichrist (too much?), Jamie Campbell. He was 10 feet in front of me. What did I do? This was my chance to tell him how I felt!

“Thanks for ruining the last 4 years of my life, Jamie!!”

And with that, my revenge had been wrought. Did he hear me? That’s for him to know. In my mind, there’s no doubt. The moment could not have been more satisfying. My night was made, no matter what happened. And it’s a good thing, because what transpired afterwards was a series of rather depressing events.

To reiterate, Alex Rios is an asshole. This probably isn’t a huge surprise to most people. We are talking about a guy who went on a profanity-laced tirade after being criticized for denying a small child an autograph after a charity function; not exactly the stuff of philanthropic legend. But, I had no idea to what extent until I saw the pre-game introductions before the game. Booed heartily (as expected) by the patrons, Rios, instead of taking the high road (and eating the humble pie he deserved), thought it appropriate to mock the fans of Toronto.

He took off his cap and waved it around like he was getting a huge ovation. Just a giant middle finger to the fans who financially supported the team to such a degree that it allowed Rios to obtain a $60M contract.

Thanks for coming out, Alex. (Editor’s Note: I thought I hated Rios after Monday, but I had no idea how deep my hated ran after his destruction of Ricky Romero’s No-No last night)

Now, back to the beer situation. I mentioned earlier that there were nearly 50,000 people in attendance at the game on Monday night. I can only assume this was not a surprise to the Rogers Centre management, but you would have guessed they were expecting about 1,500 fans instead.

Never have I seen an event so understaffed. I sent my buddy up to grab us a couple beers around the 4th inning. Two innings later, he returned – beerless. He had given up waiting in the line because he didn’t want to miss any more baseball. Naturally, I figured that my friend was simply a moron and had made a poor line selection.

This proved to not be the case. Up two levels and on the other side of the stadium, I finally managed to find a beer vendor with a slightly smaller line. What an ordeal. I eventually returned to my seat (who knows how many innings later), but it was clear this was Rex Banner’s night.

Despite all of this, a huge number of fans still managed to get drunk enough to start the obligatory fights in the crowd. We were lucky enough to have a fight break out about ten feet from us, which was fantastic. This helped take my attention away from the field, so I didn’t have to pay attention while the Jays were painfully throwing away what should have been yet another victory.

Between the total lack of organization in the Dome, and the Blue Jays clear incompetence (they don't have me fooled), the night really turned into a phenomenal disaster.

Maybe Tewks was right? Maybe Opening Day should be left for the cretins and other pseudo-fans?

Nah, screw it. See you next year.

NHL Playoff Preview

I am still riding high from my correct prediction months ago that the Calgary Flames and Toronto Maple Leafs would miss the 2010 postseason. As such, I figured I should flex some more hockey knowledge and predict the winners the first round of the playoffs.

(Quick aside to He Who Hits Bombs: Once again, a funny and interesting recap of the podcast. You even proved that you actually listened by calling me on stupid comments that I made. However, you had a problem with the usage of words like ‘undulation’ and ‘aficionado’ and remarked that I’m just trying to sound smart since I don’t use such words every day.

Correction: I don’t use those words when talking to you because I know you’re not smart enough to understand them. If a term isn’t gym-related, I assume it just goes right over your head. You’re kind of like an oar-less rowboat drifting aimlessly out to sea when it comes to verbal comprehension.

And let’s be honest, the only reason you made it the full 25 minutes is that you literally have nothing better to do with your time. That being said, your open invitation to be a guest on a future podcast is still on the table)

Eastern Conference

Washington (1) vs. Montreal (8)

I would love to say that the Canadiens are primed to pull off their best David versus Goliath impression but, much like the Bible, such nonsense is not based on any semblance of fact.

Montreal is going to get pumped by the Capitals. Washington was the class of the NHL throughout the regular season and their team possesses no clear holes. Plus, their offence is absolutely terrifying; the Capitals were the only team in the league to have two guys score over 100 points: Niklas Backstrom and some Russian guy.

Capitals in 5

New Jersey (2) vs. Philadelphia (7)

Philadelphia backed into the playoffs. They played like shit over the last two weeks of the season to allow the New York Rangers to claw back into contention. I actually hoped the Rangers would get the final playoff spot over the Flyers because I want teams in the postseason who are on a roll and, you know, deserve to be there.

The Flyers only qualified because they are better at shootouts than the Rangers. Something that won’t help them against New Jersey, a team that beat the defending Stanley Cup Champions six times a row this year. Yes, six times in a row. Look for the Devils to make some noise in May.

Devils in 4

Buffalo (3) vs. Boston (6)

I literally don’t know anything about these teams. As I’ve written in a previous column, I only follow star players and the Sabres and Bruins possess no such constellations.

However, I do remember Ryan Miller, Buffalo’s goalie, from the Olympics and how he completely stymied Team Canada. Miller almost single-handedly stole our gold medal from us. Therefore, he is the X Factor in this series.

Sabres in 6

Pittsburgh (4) vs. Ottawa (5)

Short and sweet: Sid the Kid > everyone on the Senators.

Penguins in 4

Western Conference

San Jose (1) vs. Colorado (8)

The Shark’s MO for the last few years has been that they are great in the regular season, but they don’t have the resident toughness or intestinal fortitude to go deep into the playoffs.

There is a glaring difference between this year’s squad and the Sharks of seasons’ past. The change took place in February when the line of Joe Thornton, Patrick Marleau and Danny Heatley was instrumental in leading Team Canada to gold.

They are an unstoppable trio. The days of San Jose hitting the golf course in April are no longer. Look for a deep run by the boys in teal.

Sharks in 5

Chicago (2) vs. Nashville (7)

I hate Patrick Kane and everything his little punkass stands for. I hope he gets a concussion.

Predators in 6

Vancouver (3) vs. Los Angeles (6)

Bobby Lu is my new favourite goaltender for obvious reasons. I can’t see how he won't carryover his mojo from the Olympics into the NHL postseason.

But, he will be playing against Drew Doughty, arguably Canada’s best defenseman in Vancouver. Something’s gotta give and I think it will be Doughty’s lack of experience.

Canucks in 6

Phoenix (4) vs. Detroit (5)

I think this series has the potential to be the best series of the first round. You have the Coyotes with karma on their side for the way the NHL has jerked them around for the past 18 months. They have an ‘us against the world’ mentality that can’t be overlooked in a seven game series.

On the other hand, you have the Detroit Red Wings, who have been the class of the league for over a generation. Before the Olympic break, there was a lot of talk that the Wings were in danger of missing the postseason for the first time since, I think, Gordie Howe last laced up his skates.

The next thing I know, they are the hottest team in the NHL and have cracked the 100 point plateau once again. There is no one in the league who wants to play Detroit right now.

Wings in 7

Talkin' with Tewks Live: The Masters

(BOD - Amy Mickelson)

What a fantastic edition of the season's first major. Unfortunately, Tiger was not able to capture his fifth green jacket, as I predicted, but Phil the Thrill Mickelson was able to walk away with his third.

CSzem and I covered the entire tournament in an epic podcast last night.

Talkin' with Tewks Live - The Masters

Enjoy.