Agent Michael Scarn Presents: 2007/2008 NHL Preview

Ah… another Wednesday, another blog. Soon two great times of the year will be upon us: the start of the NHL Season, and the start of Season 4 of The Office. So because of this (and partly because quoting makes column writing easier) here’s your 2007/2008 NHL Preview: "The Office" version…

"I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey, the mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that... I was good."

The Teams: Columbus, Atlanta, Nashville, Minnesota, Florida, Phoenix, Carolina.

Similarly to Dwight's school play, the NHL has too many teams: in a lot of these cities, even the citizens wouldn’t notice if their NHL team vanished. And with the new parity of the Canadian dollar, arguments for cities such as Winnipeg, Quebec City and Hamilton have never been stronger.

"I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at."

The Teams: San Jose, Chicago

These are the youngest teams in the league, and both are in the Western Conference: only the Sharks are going to be any good.

"In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion, you're dead."

The Team: Montreal

I don’t know who the most injured team was last year, but from the way you’d hear their fans bitch and complain, I’m guessing that it was Les Habitants.

Also … can we stop judging injuries by the term "man games"? Am I alone in thinking that this is a very homosexual term?

"We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy"

The Teams: Pittsburgh and Washington

Sidney Crosby is on a team with Mark Recchi, Evgeni Malkin, Jordan Staal, and Petr Sykora…
… the additions of Viktor Kozlov and Michael Nylander were good… but Alexander Ovechkin is still as alone as Rocky Balboa on top of the mountain (that joke’s a bit of a stretch).

"You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you."

The Teams: New York Islanders, Edmonton, Boston

All of the above will be awful this year. The worst part is, I’m an Edmonton Oilers fan: but the fact that free agents avoid the city like the plague and that Kevin Lowe is incompetent make me wonder if I made the right choice.

"I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments, and that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up."

The Teams: Calgary, Tampa Bay

Ah… John Tortorella always found a way to keep the Tampa Bay Lightning in the news. And now that Mike Keenan’s coaching again, how long until a coach finally pulls a John Gibbons and challenges one of his players to a fight?

"Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most."

The Teams: New York Rangers, Philadelphia, Buffalo

Remember how the salary cap was supposed to bring back competitive balance to the NHL? Now we’re 3 years removed from the infamy of the lockout and the Buffalo Sabres are once again being purged like the Red Army after their devastating military defeat at Leningrad.

Hmm… now… a World War II analogy for what the Rangers and Flyers did in the offseason: they would be like the Swedish or the Swiss: using their vast amounts of iron ore and other riches to profit while other countries struggle.

The worst part is, I actually have a Swedish reader … I’m sure he’ll let me know if that crosses the line.

"I’ve never met anyone with so little self awareness"

The Team: Toronto

Paul Maurice thinks that the Toronto Maple Leafs will make the playoffs, and challenge for the Stanley Cup. I think I’ve said enough about the Leafs in my previous column to let you know where I stand on this issue.

"When I was in the 6th grade I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure"."

The Teams: Ottawa, Los Angeles, St. Louis, Vancouver, Dallas

All of the above have either never won a cup or are historic playoff underachievers. Or if you’re the Dallas Stars, you have a goalie who’s been labeled as a playoff choker … even when you come within a game of beating the amazing Roberto Luongo.

"You can’t be Slytherin, they’re the bad guys"

The Teams: Detroit Red Wings

I don’t like the Detroit Red Wings… how they’re good every year… meanwhile I’m stuck cheering for a team that let Ryan Smyth go because he wanted to get paid what he was worth… unbelievable… there’s no joke here… I’m too pissed off. I originally had the Colorado Avalanche on this list because Ryan Smyth should only be playing for the ‘Oil… but I can’t root against a team with Joe Sakic and Ryan Smyth… I can’t do it.

"It’s a big loss… Dwight was our top salesman"
"WAS … our top salesman"
"I said was"

The Team: Anaheim Ducks

Anaheim … I hate them… I hope they don’t repeat. The last three cup winners have been Anaheim, Carolina and Tampa Bay: somewhere Frank "Pud" Glass is turning over in his grave... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_%22Pud%22_Glass