Friday, May 7, 2010

Not a Survivor Recap

I know I usually dissect episodes of Survivor on Friday mornings, but I was once again felled by a night of drinking and missed the opportunity. I am a pitching instructor for a local 13 year old boys’ baseball team. I am there to impart my infinite wisdom on the art of pitching.

How I am allowed within 100 feet of such impressionable minds is beyond me, but I relish the opportunity to give back to the game I love. Also, the parents on the team like to party. I planned on being home in time to watch Survivor but, as I was leaving the diamond, the coaches asked if I wanted a beer. Yes I would.

I walk over to their trucks and they have a case of beer laid out and we weren’t leaving until it was finished. And this was after a non-descript practice in May. I can’t imagine what that means for hot, summer game days or tournaments. I may well be a raging alcoholic by Labour Day.

Oh, yeah, I guess the kids are ok too.

I was able to catch Survivor on PVR late last night, but I was in no condition to make notes for a recap, so here are my quick thoughts:

I really could have done without the high definition shot of Danielle’s hairy armpits during the first immunity challenge. She looked like Big Foot. Also, what is wrong with her breasts? She should be getting her money back for that terrible boob job. It looked like there was crumpled tissue paper in her bare cleavage. Disgusting.

Parvarti is starting to grow me on a little bit as a terrific Survivor contestant, especially contrasted with Danielle’s meltdown at Tribal Council which basically led to her ouster. Allow Wes Mantooth to perfectly encapsulate my feelings on Parvarti: “I hate you Parvarti. I hate you with every fibre of my being, but goddamn it, do I ever respect you.”

Russell is just on another level mentally than the rest of the contestants. He’s like a Svengali. The way he was able to get inside’s Danielle’s head and just break her down emotionally was mesmerizing to witness. He’s also much better physically than most people realize. Russell is definitely separating himself from the pack in this game.

My upset special: Colby is going to win the whole thing. He was designated for elimination weeks ago, but somehow has managed to keep sliding under the radar. If he can ever find his long-lost immunity challenge prowess, he is going to be a very dangerous competitor in the remaining episodes.

I was also able to catch the hockey highlights of last night’s games. The Montreal Canadiens have so many horseshoes up their asses, it actually makes me sick to my stomach. What cheap goals they scored last night. On a personal note, CSzem is already insufferable and the series is only tied 2-2.

If the Habs somehow pull this series out, he will put on the blog’s no podcast list until Montreal is eliminated from contention. I can just picture him singing Ole, Ole, Ole for 15 consecutive minutes while I have a heart attack from the stress. That is not going to happen. The blog’s arrogant jackass threat level has just been raised to orange.

Johann Franzen is a playoff stud. I have literally never heard anything about the guy in the regular season, but he absolutely dominates in the playoffs. Six points last night, including a hat trick in under four minutes. He’s my kind of guy. Likewise, I can have sex three times in under four minutes.

Franzen also has a terrific nickname: The Mule. That tells you exactly what kind of player he is. If Franzen was Canadian, Don Cherry would have made out with him on Coach’s Corner by now. He personifies playoff hockey.

What a beauty.

Have a great weekend.

3 comments:

CSzem said...

A few comments/retorts from the night that was:

I had the same thought about Colby. What if he's been throwing EVERY challenge, knowing that he's not in danger until Rupert is voted out? Let's say they figure out a way to scrape by once more before Rupert finally goes. That means Colby's in the Final Four. All he has to do is win two challenges and he's in the finals. Bam. I just refuse to believe that he's completely useless now. He doesn't look to be incredibly out of shape or anything....if he's NOT rope-a-doping, then I'm vexed.


OLE, OLE, OLE, OLE.....OLE, OLE!

Tewks, you've clearly lived in the GTA too long, and simply can't relate with a real, passionate, fanbase supporting a gritty, over-achieving, team.

Also, if you only watched the highlights, you would have missed the fact that last night's game was, let's say, questionably officiated. I'm not going to be the guy who blames the refs for everything (well, I'm not going to be that guy after a win), but I will say that I have never seen momentum swung so significantly by a series of non-calls. Habs were fantastic in the first 3-4 mins of the game, and then (leading 1-0) looked to be going to the PP as Subban was hauled down. Instead, no call and the Pens score on a breakaway.

Literally moments later, with the Pens on a PP, Hamrlik was blatantly tripped...again, no call...and a Pens goal.

All of the Habs admitted they were severely rattled at this point, and were simply awful for the next period and a half (I'm not excusing that, just saying it happened).

There are A LOT of judgment calls involved with being an NHL referee, and the game moves so fast I don't envy their responsibility.....but these were the types of calls that they never miss. They weren't "away from the play" or anything, or potentially dives. They were just Penguins players tripping Canadiens players, and they were not called. It was actually bizarre.

In the end, what you call "horseshoes", I call mental fortitude. Yes, the game winner was far from a thing of beauty, but neither was Kunitz' goal much earlier on.

Think of the Canadiens like you think of that "thing" you picked up in Cuba. Like it or not, we're here to stay. Sometimes there might be no visible signs of us(like periods when we're getting outshot 17-3), but at the end of the day, we're going to come back and make your life miserable.


GO HABS GO!
(Insufferable enough for you?)

Anonymous said...

The chanting is nothing. I have been in Montreal when they have won the cup and they rioted. I was staying downtown at the Queen Elizabeth and it was quite the scene that night. They smashed everything in sight, flipped cars and looted the stores. It was insane.

Can’t imagine what they would have done if they had lost.

AG

Shan said...

Ole...Ole...ole indeed

Danielle's boobs look like they're sewn together in the middle - absolutely disgusting.

I think Jerri might be a bit of a sleeper pick here too...she's done fairly well, hasn't pissed anyone off...but if ANY of them are going to win, they need to oust Russell.