Local Sports Team to Give Life Meaning Again

The only team I cheer for in Toronto is the Blue Jays. The rallying cry for the Toronto Maple Leafs is "The Passion That Unites us All". Fortunately I have not succumb to that burning passion, as the pain I would be subjected to in cheering for the Leafs would be tantamount to a burning Sexually Transmitted Disease. How anyone can support the Leafs in the face of such egregious management over the last 4 decades is something I'll never come to terms with as a logical sports fan. But I digress...

Much to my delight, the Jays are in first place in the AL East. I don't care that we're 6 games into the season: I am ready to put my blogging reputation (2 years of poor to mediocre writing) on the line and say that this team will be a playoff contender in the fall.

One of the reasons this team will contend is that I'm convinced Cito Gaston is some sort of demi-God. The guy doesn't look like he's aged a day over the past eleven years. And baseball-wise, his relaxed demeanour and confidence in his players have so far translated into an offence that is tearing the cover off the ball. He'd be the perfect wingman: could you imagine going to the bar with someone who instilled that much confidence in your abilities?

Cito: How about you go over and talk to that girl?

Me: I don't know Cito. She looks a little out of my league...

Cito: Are you kidding me? How much weight can you deadlift?

Me: 405 lbs.

Cito: You're golden. I just want you to know that even if you struggle out there you're an every day guy on my squad.

Me: Thanks Cito.

(10 minutes later)

Me: Cito, I'm taking her home. Any advice?

Cito: Just relax and have fun out there. Don't rush things ... distribute your weight evenly through the swing and remember to drive through with your hips.

Me: (Nods)

I also think the team will do well because this is the first time they haven't entered the season with high expectations. A recent post on the mecca of Jays Blogs - drunkjaysfans - characterized this team perfectly: full of rag-taggedness, veterans coming off bad years, and young guys eager to prove themselves. For the first time in a while, the Jays don't look good on paper, and that's why they're going to succeed.

To illustrate my point, I'm going to draw on a real life example: Tewks is 24 years old, lives with his parents in Oshawa, doesn't own a car and draws a salary comparable to that of an unskilled migrant worker. His life looks terrible on paper: but his "life on paper" baseball equivalent isn't even the Blue Jays, it's the Oakland A's. He uses what he's got, plays hard, spends no money and in the end enjoys a reasonable amount of success with the ladies -because he doesn't have the pressure on him and no one expects him to do well. (Yeah, we're good friends).

I'm more like the LA Dodgers or Chicago Cubs: full of overpriced talent that hasn't enjoyed success in decades ... but that's another column...

To summarize: Cito Gaston is a God, and he'll keep this team loose - not only in the beginning of the season, but months down the road when people may start to see this team as a contender. The Jays will be in the thick of the race until the very end.

Talkin' With Tewks: Masters Preview

This week’s entry into the sports blogosphere will be somewhat disappointing in length (much like Gretzpo’s manhood). The reason is two-fold:

1. Today is my birthday. And while I love dispensing my sage wisdom to you, my faithful readers, there are about a million things I would rather do on my birthday than sit in front of my computer and cuddle with Microsoft Word.
2. This is a preview of the greatest golf tournament in the world, The Masters. Based on Tiger’s virtuoso performance two Sundays ago at Bay Hill (did anyone doubt he would make that putt on 18?), he is the overwhelming favourite to capture his 5th green jacket. Why spend 1000 words on a column when four will do? Tiger Woods will win. Boom. Column thesis.

I’d rather discuss the pomp and pageantry surrounding the week at Augusta National Golf Club. Once again, we’ll have to listen to lesbian feminists bitch about the fact there are no female members at Augusta.

Listen up Billie Jean King, Augusta is a PRIVATE golf club. They have the right to forbid entry to anyone they so desire. Is it fair? Not necessarily, but it is their right as a PRIVATE organization to do so. Stop crying about gender discrimination. They won’t let me be a member because I’m poor. You don’t hear me crying about wealth discrimination.

There is a Ladies Golf Club of Toronto that is privately owned and operated by women and does not grant men full memberships. Men can only play as guests; just as women can only play as guests at Augusta. Is it their right to exclude men if they so choose.

If you think about it, the real reason women are not granted membership at Augusta has nothing to do with sexism. Think of the demographics of the club’s membership: a bunch of old, crusty captains of industry who’ve probably been married since World War II. They obviously have nothing against women but, as I’m sure any grandfather can attest, once you hit your 50th anniversary you slowly lose your will to live.

They’ve had to put up the same woman’s constant nagging for the better part of their lives. Augusta is the only place these men get a reprieve from the suffocating presence of women and can do whatever the hell old guys to enjoy themselves.

A young guy like me would want some chicks around; maybe Hooters waitresses serving drinks in the club bar and some of Atlanta’s finest hookers looping bags. But these old fogies know better; women just ruin everything. Augusta National is basically just one giant bromance.

Now before you ladies get your panties in a twist, Augusta National is great for their wives as well. By spending all of their time at the club, the husbands have less of an opportunity to do the stupid shit that drives women crazy. Plus, with their husbands gone, the ladies can ogle their Panamian pool boys without making hubby jealous.

Also, with no women at Augusta, there is less of a chance that members will develop a wandering eye; their focus will just be on golf and counting money. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.

In sum, Tiger Woods will win with a score of 278 (-10).

With that, I’m going to the casino to play some African American Jack.

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo's Sports Blog.