Talkin' With Tewks: Man-cation

FYI: My heart is not in today’s column. I have a lot of things on my mind, none of which concern eventually moving out of my parent’s house, buying a car or becoming, you know, a real man.

The real reason why the column is taking a backseat this week is because Gretzpo and I are embarking on another heterosexual man-cation down south. This time we are heading to Communist paradise: Cuba.

Instead of researching possible writing topics (i.e. picking a subject at random that I know little about), I have been focused on preparing my mind and body (specifically my body) for the rigours of an all-inclusive vacation. There’s no way I will break a bone this time; I’ve been drinking over a litre of 2% milk a day for over three months.

My physical fitness has peaked beautifully for this trip; the benefits of which will be experienced by the multitude of ladies on the beach gazing at my rippling physique. I have worked out every day for the past two weeks, mixing strength training, running and metabolic conditioning. Plus, I have played weekly volleyball for the past six months in order to return to beach volleyball dominance.

My runs and Natural Movement training have taken place outside with your man Tewks shirtless. I have to do this in forested areas as the sight of me bare-chested would cause innumerable vehicular accidents with women (and some men) craning their necks to get a look.

The lack of a shirt also helps create a base tan, so I can maximize my attractiveness at the resort (which is vital because my lack of personality and intelligence is all the more glaring whilst drunk).

For the past two weeks, I have really tightened up my diet and abstained from alcohol in the hopes of adding the two remaining cans of beer to my six pack.

You know what? That’s enough for me. I still have five workouts planned before I leave, I need to pick up a couple gallons of cranberry juice and study for my made up career that I will espouse on the beach. I’ve decided to go with hedge fund manager; once I figure out what a hedge fund is. Something to do with landscaping?

Gretzpo, fresh off his sexual misconduct from last weekend, should be able to articulate additional thoughts on our upcoming voyage (to the best of his limited ability).

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.

"I Had Myself a Weekend"

So what goes on during a typical weekend with Gretzpo? If you're a faithful reader of this column you know that my brain consists of three parts:

1) The part that lusts after women
2) The part that focuses on lifting weights
3) The part that follows sports

For the first time in 6 months all three parts of my brain were satisfied in a 72 hour period: and lately I've been lifting a lot of weights and watching a lot of sports.

Atypically, I found myself going out on a Thursday night, as Tewks invited me to a party with his fellow actors from his talent agency. As I waded through the crowd of overdressed failures and artsy losers I realized how pointless it was to follow your dreams: and how happy I was going to be going to my menial job with my respectable paycheque the following day.

The night was a disaster: $7 drinks, a poor selection of women and hardly any socializing. The lone bright spot was when the free appetizers came out and Tewks and I attempted to eat our body weight in kobe beef burgers. We even heard the bartenders snicker at each other, and one mouth "I bet they eat the whole tray." Did they think we had no class because we tipped them so poorly?

... absolutely.

Friday night was also disappointing: I worked my aforementioned menial job and went to bed at 10pm. So, yeah, so far this was exactly like any other weekend.

I had a great workout Saturday afternoon, so Saturday night I came out refreshed: myself, Tewks and another buddy were hitting the town to allow women to hit on us ... it's a little public service thing we do ... to sort of give back to the community.

Unfortunately, we arrived a bit too late and were forced to wait in line: we can't fight and we're cheap, so cutting in line and greasing bouncers was out: instead we went to plan C: waiting patiently.

And then it happened: as another group of fat girls waddled their way into the bar via the guest list Tewks laid down one of the best one liners I've heard in a long time:

"This bar is going to be just like an economic stimulus package: full of pork."

Inside the bar we were approached by two attractive young(ish) ladies who thought they knew me before. I replied that a lot of people think I look like Tom Cruise: I was thinking that these girls may be drunk enough to agree with me ... I was wrong.

As the evening wore on I found myself isolated with one of the young(ish) ladies. I will close my synopsis of Saturday night with this observation:

- Measures of drunkenness are subjective: and I'm a man of objectivity

My weekend ended by witnessing the continued resurrection of the Toronto Blue Jays as Ricky Romero pitched a gem as the Jays beat the Athletics 1-0.

Life is good.