(BOD - Angelina Jolie)
Back to my regularly scheduled Friday programming and a recap of last night’s Survivor episode. I purposely skipped last week’s episode because I was still reeling from Boston Rob’s ouster and used my silence on the matter as a protest.
However, I’m back and, evidently, I picked a great week to do so.
Let’s start off with the reward challenge. I hate challenges that pretty much boil down to a game of ‘Who Can Last the Longest?’ My hatred primarily stems from the constant reminder of my lacklustre sexual stamina.
Not only that, but such challenges are kind of boring and require zero physical strength or intelligence. Need proof? The fact the Villains won the challenge so handily just proves how horrible and useless the challenge was. Women shouldn’t be able to beat men in anything; unless it was a household chores contest (Ba-dum-cha!).
Did you know the challenge was sponsored by Outback Steakhouse? I had no idea. Probst only mentioned it 12 times in three minutes. I loved how Colby let loose with a “Bloomin’ Onion!” to try to get in their next ad campaign.
I was so jealous of that immunity idol note Parvarti received at the Outback reward dinner. It got passed from Parvarti’s underwear to Danielle’s bikini top. What a wild ride. I would pay five grand to be able to get that close to Danielle’s magnificent cleavage (if she makes it to the finals, I hope someone writes down ‘Danielle’s Breasts’ as their vote).
I really hate JT. He’s such a moron, and a bit of a douchebag. His comment that, “I didn’t even want to win the reward; I’ve eaten thousands of steaks in my life” made me want to punch him in the face. Well, look at you JT. You’re like the Queen of England.
The Heroes deciding to give the immunity idol to Russell is the dumbest thing I have ever seen on this show. I don’t understand why they assume there is a woman’s alliance. And why would they vocalize those thoughts when the Villains are in earshot? Just a monumentally stupid decision.
The comedy of JT writing a note to Russell with instructions with what to do with the immunity idol was off the charts hilarious. Watching JT write that letter was like watching a nine year old write a gushing fan letter to Justin Bieber. But, I have a question: where the hell did they get pen and paper from?
The entire passing of the immunity idol to Russell seemed a little fishy to me. Opposing tribes never congratulate each other after challenges. Jeff always sends the losers back to camp immediately. The entire scene seemed staged to me.
Tribal council was kind of boring. I am completely ambivalent to Courtney going home. But, how great did Coach look as the first member of the jury? He looked like an ancient Indian Shaman. He’s the best.
Was it just me or does Danielle have a mustache? There was a very weird shadow going on in her upper lip region. It was very distracting and took away some of my enjoyment of her breasts.
Next week’s merge episode looks fantastic.
(BOD - Katie Price)
TV really let me down last night. I always thought we had a simple, uncomplicated relationship. I sit on my ass, in various stages of undress, and it entertains me with mindless entertainment and professional sports coverage.
I don’t know what the hell TV’s problem was last night (maybe I haven’t paid enough attention to it recently), but it was acting like a huge bitch. Everywhere I turned, the viewing options at my disposal left me bitterly disappointed and upset. That’s not the way it’s supposed to be.
Let’s recap, shall we:
The first night of the NHL playoffs commenced and, since I stuck my neck out in handicapping the first round matchups, I figured I would tune in to see how great my hockey knowledge really is.
Shit.
Of the four games on last night, the team that I picked to win the series lost every damn game. How is that even possible? I understand that it’s a long series, but it’s still disconcerting to see my teams rack up L’s at such an alarming rate.
I focused the majority of my attention to the Penguins/Senators game because of my man love for Kid Crosby. One thing I didn’t understand right from the start of the game is why the Penguins decided to hand out white towels and white shirts to their fans.
I understand the premise of dressing your crowd monochromatically to intimidate your opponent, but white seems like a stupid colour choice. Waving a white flag is the universal signal of surrender. When boxers are getting destroyed in the ring, their corners throw in a white towel.
By getting Penguins fans to wave white towels, aren’t you submitting to the Senators?
Not only that, but the Senators were dressed in white, the Penguins in black, so it looked like the game was being held in Ottawa. Shouldn’t the crowd be dressed in all black? That would look pretty sweet on camera.
After the Senators held off a furious charge by the Penguins in the waning moments of the third period, I switched over to the Blue Jays game looking for something to brighten my mood. I figured it was a safe bet since they are first place in the AL East and are playing extremely well so far this year.
They were down by a touchdown and a field goal. The team really needs to get rid of Brandon Morrow. He sucks. That’s two shitty starts in a row and I don’t even think he pitched that well in spring training (which is meaningless in the first place).
The only reason he’s getting a shot at the rotation is because he’s young, big and strong, and he throws really hard. Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but it doesn’t mean shit if you can’t throw the ball over the fucking plate.
I am so sick of teams giving shots to fireballers who don’t know how to pitch. I don’t care if you can throw 120 miles an hour. If you can’t get it near the strikezone, then you don’t belong in the major leagues.
Luckily, the only person who hates walks more than I do is Cito Gaston, so I don’t see Mr. Morrow being a part of the starting rotation by Victoria Day.
The final kick in the nuts I suffered at the hands of my television took place on the results show of American Idol (any straight men still reading may want to log off now). Two contestants were scheduled to be eliminated last night because the judges’ evoked the ‘Judges’ Save’ last week to rescue Big Mike from falling back into obscurity.
The first person voted off was Andrew Garcia, a decision which I had no problem with. However, I cannot, in good conscience, support Katie Stevens’ ouster. She was the last hot chick remaining in the competition. Now who am I supposed to ogle?
I understand that she is only 17 years old, but if I’m mature enough to cast away any lingering doubts about our age difference, then why can’t the rest of the world?
However, a sliver of light made its way into my gloomy existence with the news that Carrie Underwood will be returning to my TV next week as part of the Idol Gives Back special.
Just when I think I’m out, they keep pulling me back in.
(BOD: Nicole Scherzinger)
Based on the great insider info we received from the Masters last week, and in a continued effort to legitimize the relevancy of the blog, I sent CSzem on assignment to cover the Blue Jays home opener on Monday night.
Why did I entrust my podcast co-host to take on such a important task? Do I believe he is a better writer or funnier than me? Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. But, I will never show my face at Opening Day for the reasons CSzem outlines below.
Furthermore, I don't like people to begin with. Why would I want to be around 50,000 of them in close quarters?
I do like CSzem's recap of the night though. It almost feels like I was there. His thesis: Tewks is always right.
However, I don't understand the title of his column. What is the 18th Amendment? It sounds like a shitty John Grisham novel.
Alex Rios is an asshole. More on that later, but I had to get it off my chest.
Sunday night, after finishing up our post-Masters podcast, the conversation between Tewks and I quickly turned to baseball. And why wouldn't it? The Good Doctor is thriving in Philly as we predicted, a number of bullpen collapses throughout the league have led to multiple exciting finishes around the league, and - of course - the Jays are off to yet another terrific start.
"I'm coming down to the Home Opener", I remarked to your regular blogger, "Are you going as well?"
This seemed like a reasonable question, and one I thought I knew the answer to. Tewks, however, threw me one of his trademark 12-6 curveballs by quickly jumping into a tirade about how he simply refuses to go to Opening Day. Ever the curmudgeon, his fury extended to parking attendants, traffic cops, other fans, and I think he even took a shot at underprivileged kids with disabilities.
I countered: What could be wrong with 50,000 screaming fans actually giving a crap for one game? Traffic, schmaffic. I'll deal with it.
The early returns on the trip were excellent. The traffic getting into town was considerably lighter than I expected and parking was a breeze. But, then it started.
"It" was the near total lack of ability for me to find beer to drink. I don't want to sound like an alcoholic here (I prefer to continue living the lie), but when I go to a baseball game, I expect to be able to drink plenty of beer. Right after we parked the car, we headed to a series of pubs/restaurants in hopes of grabbing a few pre-game pints – to no avail. Everywhere was packed.
I guess that's to be expected. There were lots of people around, which is a good thing. It means people care about this team and this game.
So we went inside the Dome. Since we were there a good hour and a half before the first pitch, the place was pretty empty. We grabbed a few beers, played “let’s see how many I can drink before the first pitch” (answer: 4), and enjoyed heckling Alex Rios.
Amazingly, Rios wasn’t even the most worthy adversary for my ire during the pre-game festivities. Out of nowhere appeared my nemesis: former Blue Jays broadcaster/the Antichrist (too much?), Jamie Campbell. He was 10 feet in front of me. What did I do? This was my chance to tell him how I felt!
“Thanks for ruining the last 4 years of my life, Jamie!!”
And with that, my revenge had been wrought. Did he hear me? That’s for him to know. In my mind, there’s no doubt. The moment could not have been more satisfying. My night was made, no matter what happened. And it’s a good thing, because what transpired afterwards was a series of rather depressing events.
To reiterate, Alex Rios is an asshole. This probably isn’t a huge surprise to most people. We are talking about a guy who went on a profanity-laced tirade after being criticized for denying a small child an autograph after a charity function; not exactly the stuff of philanthropic legend. But, I had no idea to what extent until I saw the pre-game introductions before the game. Booed heartily (as expected) by the patrons, Rios, instead of taking the high road (and eating the humble pie he deserved), thought it appropriate to mock the fans of Toronto.
He took off his cap and waved it around like he was getting a huge ovation. Just a giant middle finger to the fans who financially supported the team to such a degree that it allowed Rios to obtain a $60M contract.
Thanks for coming out, Alex. (Editor’s Note: I thought I hated Rios after Monday, but I had no idea how deep my hated ran after his destruction of Ricky Romero’s No-No last night)
Now, back to the beer situation. I mentioned earlier that there were nearly 50,000 people in attendance at the game on Monday night. I can only assume this was not a surprise to the Rogers Centre management, but you would have guessed they were expecting about 1,500 fans instead.
Never have I seen an event so understaffed. I sent my buddy up to grab us a couple beers around the 4th inning. Two innings later, he returned – beerless. He had given up waiting in the line because he didn’t want to miss any more baseball. Naturally, I figured that my friend was simply a moron and had made a poor line selection.
This proved to not be the case. Up two levels and on the other side of the stadium, I finally managed to find a beer vendor with a slightly smaller line. What an ordeal. I eventually returned to my seat (who knows how many innings later), but it was clear this was Rex Banner’s night.
Despite all of this, a huge number of fans still managed to get drunk enough to start the obligatory fights in the crowd. We were lucky enough to have a fight break out about ten feet from us, which was fantastic. This helped take my attention away from the field, so I didn’t have to pay attention while the Jays were painfully throwing away what should have been yet another victory.
Between the total lack of organization in the Dome, and the Blue Jays clear incompetence (they don't have me fooled), the night really turned into a phenomenal disaster.
Maybe Tewks was right? Maybe Opening Day should be left for the cretins and other pseudo-fans?
Nah, screw it. See you next year.
I am still riding high from my correct prediction months ago that the Calgary Flames and Toronto Maple Leafs would miss the 2010 postseason. As such, I figured I should flex some more hockey knowledge and predict the winners the first round of the playoffs.
(Quick aside to He Who Hits Bombs: Once again, a funny and interesting recap of the podcast. You even proved that you actually listened by calling me on stupid comments that I made. However, you had a problem with the usage of words like ‘undulation’ and ‘aficionado’ and remarked that I’m just trying to sound smart since I don’t use such words every day.
Correction: I don’t use those words when talking to you because I know you’re not smart enough to understand them. If a term isn’t gym-related, I assume it just goes right over your head. You’re kind of like an oar-less rowboat drifting aimlessly out to sea when it comes to verbal comprehension.
And let’s be honest, the only reason you made it the full 25 minutes is that you literally have nothing better to do with your time. That being said, your open invitation to be a guest on a future podcast is still on the table)
Eastern Conference
Washington (1) vs. Montreal (8)
I would love to say that the Canadiens are primed to pull off their best David versus Goliath impression but, much like the Bible, such nonsense is not based on any semblance of fact.
Montreal is going to get pumped by the Capitals. Washington was the class of the NHL throughout the regular season and their team possesses no clear holes. Plus, their offence is absolutely terrifying; the Capitals were the only team in the league to have two guys score over 100 points: Niklas Backstrom and some Russian guy.
Capitals in 5
New Jersey (2) vs. Philadelphia (7)
Philadelphia backed into the playoffs. They played like shit over the last two weeks of the season to allow the New York Rangers to claw back into contention. I actually hoped the Rangers would get the final playoff spot over the Flyers because I want teams in the postseason who are on a roll and, you know, deserve to be there.
The Flyers only qualified because they are better at shootouts than the Rangers. Something that won’t help them against New Jersey, a team that beat the defending Stanley Cup Champions six times a row this year. Yes, six times in a row. Look for the Devils to make some noise in May.
Devils in 4
Buffalo (3) vs. Boston (6)
I literally don’t know anything about these teams. As I’ve written in a previous column, I only follow star players and the Sabres and Bruins possess no such constellations.
However, I do remember Ryan Miller, Buffalo’s goalie, from the Olympics and how he completely stymied Team Canada. Miller almost single-handedly stole our gold medal from us. Therefore, he is the X Factor in this series.
Sabres in 6
Pittsburgh (4) vs. Ottawa (5)
Short and sweet: Sid the Kid > everyone on the Senators.
Penguins in 4
Western Conference
San Jose (1) vs. Colorado (8)
The Shark’s MO for the last few years has been that they are great in the regular season, but they don’t have the resident toughness or intestinal fortitude to go deep into the playoffs.
There is a glaring difference between this year’s squad and the Sharks of seasons’ past. The change took place in February when the line of Joe Thornton, Patrick Marleau and Danny Heatley was instrumental in leading Team Canada to gold.
They are an unstoppable trio. The days of San Jose hitting the golf course in April are no longer. Look for a deep run by the boys in teal.
Sharks in 5
Chicago (2) vs. Nashville (7)
I hate Patrick Kane and everything his little punkass stands for. I hope he gets a concussion.
Predators in 6
Vancouver (3) vs. Los Angeles (6)
Bobby Lu is my new favourite goaltender for obvious reasons. I can’t see how he won't carryover his mojo from the Olympics into the NHL postseason.
But, he will be playing against Drew Doughty, arguably Canada’s best defenseman in Vancouver. Something’s gotta give and I think it will be Doughty’s lack of experience.
Canucks in 6
Phoenix (4) vs. Detroit (5)
I think this series has the potential to be the best series of the first round. You have the Coyotes with karma on their side for the way the NHL has jerked them around for the past 18 months. They have an ‘us against the world’ mentality that can’t be overlooked in a seven game series.
On the other hand, you have the Detroit Red Wings, who have been the class of the league for over a generation. Before the Olympic break, there was a lot of talk that the Wings were in danger of missing the postseason for the first time since, I think, Gordie Howe last laced up his skates.
The next thing I know, they are the hottest team in the NHL and have cracked the 100 point plateau once again. There is no one in the league who wants to play Detroit right now.
Wings in 7
(BOD - Amy Mickelson)
What a fantastic edition of the season's first major. Unfortunately, Tiger was not able to capture his fifth green jacket, as I predicted, but Phil the Thrill Mickelson was able to walk away with his third.
CSzem and I covered the entire tournament in an epic podcast last night.
Talkin' with Tewks Live - The Masters
Enjoy.
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