Talkin' With Tewks: Lost Mailbag

Note: Without my knowledge and due to clerical error (i.e. Gretzpo is an idiot), my original mailbag post was deleted from the website. Luckily, I have been able to correct this egregious error so you, dear reader, are privy to all of my journalistic greatness.

Here is the Lost Mailbag:

As another Christmas season winds to a close, it’s important to sit back and reflect on what’s important and what you are thankful for this year (Notice that I said Christmas season and not holiday season; political correctness can kiss my white conservative ass).

What is Tewks thankful for you ask? Thongs, lower back tattoos, romantic comedies, Hero Burger, hot tubs, the homosexual relationship between Gretzpo and the nefarious C-Szem, coitus interruptus and my perfectly symmetrical facial features.

This is my first attempt at a mailbag: the reader response was tremendous as the blog’s hit meter blew up and an astounding total of 12 questions were posted. This is how it’s going to work: the question will be posted in bold and my answer will follow in normal type.

Q: Tewks really like your stuff; since you are living at home I suppose your parents must be pretty hip people as they can put up with such an outrageous character as yourself; keep up the columns I think Reilly is retiring from sports Illustrated.
Anonymous

A: This comment proves that my readership extends beyond the typical 18 to 34 age demographic. I mean there’s no way anyone under the age of 50 would ever use the word “hip.” To answer your question, my parents have no knowledge of my escapades, sexual or otherwise.

This is because I live in the basement which is separated from the rest of the house. It’s very similar to the underground lair that Buffalo Bill had in Silence of the Lambs. I actually have a girl trapped in my well as we speak; I need a new skin tuxedo for New Year’s Eve.

I appreciate the kind words but I don’t think I would work out at SI. I would spend too much time trying to be the official bikini line shaver of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot.

Q: Since you are "Survivor's #1 Fan", I have a question along those lines. If they were to do a MLB Survivor show involving many different athletic challenges and other survival based activities, who would be victorious, Pitchers or Position Players? The only reason I ask, is that I once played on a team where pitchers thought it was outrageous that the position players could out play them in a game of baseball. It was clear who was boss when the pitchers were sodomized in a 2 inning mercy (>10 runs). Tewks, my question is, would the pitchers remain the real 'catchers' (not that there's anything wrong with being a faggot) in an all encompassing 'survivor' challenge? If you believe the Pitchers would be able to outlast, outplay, and ultimately top the Position Players, please explain how, in detail.
2006 Ontario Batting Champion

A: Unfortunately I do know the identity of this miscreant who identifies himself as the 2006 Ontario Batting Champion (which is akin to being the best-smelling turd in a shit pile). I will just say this about him: if he had any real baseball talent, he would have warranted an entire chapter to himself in the Mitchell Report.

The views expressed by Mr. Batting Champion in regards to sodomy, ‘catchers’ and faggots are not those of Tewks or Gretzpo’s Sports Blog. Mr. BC seems to be a little too hung up on deriding homosexuals in his rant; methinks the lady doth protest too much.

An MLB Survivor Challenge? I am intrigued by the concept. First off, any challenge that involves puzzles or requires any intelligence whatsoever would be won handily by pitchers. Position players are little more than mouth-breathing Neanderthals who swing clubs for a living. Pitchers are, in my opinion, the most cerebral athletes in sports.

What players make up these respective teams? If the pitchers’ tribe is made up of dregs like Josh Towers or Tanyon Sturtze, the players would win easily. If you put stars versus stars like Greg Maddux, Roy Halladay and Curt Schilling against Albert Pujols, Andruw Jones and David Wright then it would be no contest. The pitchers would use their superior gray matters to outwit, their athletic prowess to outplay and their stamina and conditioning to outlast.

Q: Tewks, great of you to lend a helping hand. I have been in need of some council for a little while now. I have been suffering from CWAD (Chubby Woman Attractive Disorder). Since the middle of October, I've found myself in bed with two real heifers, and it's disturbing. People think I'm an asshole for hating fat people. But that's just not the truth. I value self-respect higher than other people. I'm extremely turned on when I see someone who visibly respects themself. And it's easy to see who does, and who doesn't. Those who chose to be fat clearly do so willingly, and therefore don't have any self-respect. What I ask of other people, is how can you respect a fat person, when they're choosing consciously to present themselves in such fashion? I know I'm not actually attracted to them, that's just preposterous. What should I do about my current trend? And what, as society, should we do to make sure these heifers become locked up, safely quarantined from us 'real' people?
6PACK4LIFE

A: Wow. I am legitimately terrified to answer this question for fear of reprisal from the ‘heifers’ that 6PACKFORLIFE apparently slept with. I don’t think you actually hate fat people; you slept with two of them. One transgression is a mistake; two is consciously acting upon your latent desires. Face it 6PACK, you love big women.

The idea of self-respect is another issue. I have no problem with fat people; if they choose to live their lives as unfit and unhealthy that’s their prerogative. My problem is with fat people who ‘”say” they want to lose weight and then complain that they’ve tried all kinds of diets and nothing works. Listen to your man Tewks: losing weight is not rocket science. Each day, burn off more calories than you shove down your throat and weight will come off. It’s that simple.

Lastly, I have to admit that I LOL’d at the thought that fat people are contagious and should be quarantined.

Q: Tewks, finally something worth reading graces the World Wide Web. Although I enjoy your insight on the National Football League, I find your support for the Dallas cowboys despicable. Myself being a die hard eagles fan, I have disregarded all of your Super Bowl picks as a direct boycott toward “America’s Team”. But I digress; I wanted to know your take on the currently released Mitchell Report. Do you think this list will effect hall of fame voting for players like Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield etc.?
Oz

Q: Tewks on a serious note - with the George Mitchell inquiry identifying a number of superstars as being on the juice (including the self proclaimed pitching deity "the rocket") how will baseball handle potential hall of fame inductees - will all be ignored or will the deity still make it?
Dwight from Scranton

A: There were a number of people wanting to discuss the Mitchell Report, so with a heavy heart (I too was a Gregg Zaun supporter) I will address the steroids issue now.

I do think that the Mitchell Report and the entire steroids era will impact Hall of Fame voting. Players known just for their prodigious home run power (McGwire, Sosa and power hitters of that ilk) will fall well below the requisite number of votes to reach the Hall.
Clemens and Bonds have nothing to worry about. They were surefire Hall of Famers before their alleged steroid use.

A player like Gary Sheffield is different. I’d argue that, if clean, he has compiled a career worthy of eventual HOF induction. However, I think his use of performance-enhancing drugs will deter most baseball writers from voting him in (and rightly so).
Oz, I appreciate the kind words but if you don’t like my “disrespect” of your Philadelphia Eagles, than perhaps you should support a team whose quarterback eats something other than Chunky Soup (and doesn’t dry heave in the huddle during the Super Bowl).

Q: I was wondering if you caught the Tyra Banks show today. Tyra interviewed Alyssa Milano. (I figured there's a good chance that you watch since you're unemployed and live at home with the parentals.) Alyssa unveiled her new line of baseball apparel for women. She complained of companies marketing sports-fan clothing for women in hideous, non-figure flattering designs. Oh and everything in pink. Her new line offers female baseball fans the choice of cute dresses, stylish baseball influenced blouses and close fitting hoodies. Was wondering what you think of this clothing line and if you think it will be successful in allowing women to simultaneously channel their inner sports fan and fashionista. (as everyone knows that any self respecting woman does not want to dress like the fat slob beside her at the baseball game who is 'pounding brews' with the fellas and looking like a big hot mess). Furthermore, if women can look hot while taking in a game, do you think that this will make women more likely to want to waste a few solid hours watching a painfully boring sport such as baseball?
Anonymous

A: I think it’s safe to say this is my first question from a reader with two X chromosomes. Not only can women vote, but they can have their questions answered in a second-rate sports blog.
I do not watch the Tyra Banks show; she scares me. She looks like one of those mythical Amazon lesbian warriors. I prefer to watch Maury Povich baby daddy paternity tests.

I’m surprised that Alyssa Milano found time in her busy schedule of nailing every member of the National League to design clothes (Carl Pavano, Barry Zito and Brad Penney to name three). If you took a black light to Ms. Milano’s fluid-stained bed sheets, it would look like a goddamn Jackson Pollock painting. That being said, I like the idea of baseball apparel for women as long as the team colours are involved. Pink jerseys, hats, shirts etc. look like the remnants of a Pepto Bismol projectile vomit. I’m not going to dignify your last comment with a response.

Q: I've tried everything to meet women... up to and including being on a Canadian Game Show. Now when I try and use that as a line I'm told that I am "The Weakest Link" ... "goodbye." Any tips?
Anonymous

A: Now this is just pathetic. Gretzpo, under the guise of one of my fans, has implored me to help him pick up women. Unfortunately, this is impossible. To borrow a phrase from Seinfeld (the greatest show ever), me teaching someone to seduce women is akin to asking Picasso how to paint like him.

Q: Longtime reader, first time poster. Tewks, since you seem to be an aficionado in comparative "literature" why don't you parallel another match-up: Randy Moss and Terrell Owens? Okay, okay in keeping with the silver platter of your fan posts, I'll now move on to baseball. Do you think that the Mitchell Report (not the one about the Middle East) will impact the attendance rates this year? Why was Bonds targeted for steroid-use over someone like Roger Clemens? Is there another non-racial explanation? Happy blog trails.
Mrs. Crash Davis

A: Exactly what I am supposed to parallel? Who would I rather have on my team? To quote Lieutenant Sam Weinberg, I’d take Moss everyday and twice on Sunday. While both players have transcendent talent and are prone to lapses in “effort” from time to time, I think Moss has a bigger heart.

If this was the movie Rudy, Moss would Daniel E. “Rudy” Reuttiger and TO would be his brother Frank, who could have made All Conference if he wasn’t such a pussy (Coach Gillespie’s words, not mine). Therefore, with a game on the line, I’d want to be throwing to Randy Moss.
The Mitchell Report will have no deleterious effects on MLB attendance rates this year. The explanation for Bonds being targeted for steroids and not Clemens has nothing to do with race. It has to do with the fact that Bonds is a colossal prick.

Q: Tewks, knowing that you enjoy the company of a woman late at night, here's a ladies question. At what point is a girl too drunk to take home? Does it depend on how hot the girl is/how drunk you are?
Creep

A: Wow. This question is like the beginning of a sexual assault instructional video. I’m sure Roman Polanski is awaiting my response with bated breath.

However, don’t think for a minute I will not answer this question. If the lady is coherent and can walk under her own power, then you’re ok. Anything less would be uncivilized.

Q: Just one question: Boxers or briefs?
Sexy Sadie

A: The only people privy to that information are the ladies that I frequent with. If you play your cards right, maybe you’ll be able to answer that question for yourself.

Q: The other night ESPN aired a one hour special, Capital One Presents: NFL Legends. The show was narrated by (the man) Tom Selleck and highlighted the careers of NFL QBs Manning, Brady and Favre (all of whom you have addressed in your previous columns). Selleck constantly (and not surprisingly) compared the three to Joe Montana. In your opinion, with Montana as the standing example, who best embodies an "NFL Legend"?Also, who would you do?
Sexy Sadie

A: You may wonder why I decided to answer two questions from Sadie. Well, she promised me a spirited bout of fellatio if I posted both of her comments. So now all of you know how to get more than question posted in a future mailbag.

Right now I’ll have to give the title of NFL Legend to Tom Brady because of his three Super Bowl victories (soon to be four).

Who would I do? Come on, that’s a no brainer. Tom Selleck, hands down. And I wouldn’t just lay there.

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.