(BOD - Miss Universe)
I am a genius. Read yesterday’s column again and tell me I’m not the greatest prognosticator of our time with my prediction that Tiger Wood’s divorce would be the best thing for his golf game. What does Eldrick do after I write that? Not much; just go out and shoot a tidy little 65, his best round of the season, in the first round of the Barclays Championship.
For today’s column, I decided to do a recap of this week’s episode of Jersey Shore. Really, Tewks, you say. You’re writing another recap of a trashy reality show this week? What happened to you? You used to write about pertinent social issues and have great writing talents.
Well, no, I’ve never written about important things and I’m little more than a hack. Plus, a pinch-hitter wrote Tuesday’s column, so suck it.
Here we go . . .
10:02 – I love Jwoww’s breasts.
10:03 – Is Jwoww like 6’3” or were those gay guys jockeys in the Kentucky Derby?
10:04 – Cousin Tewks is getting all emotional about the breakdown of Snooki and Emilio’s relationship. He’s currently looking for some Kleenex.
10:06 – Much like The Situation I also enjoys girls who are DTF.
10:08 – The scheming by The Situation, Vinny, and Pauly to separate and extract the grenade to bang the three decent-looking girls was like watching General Westmoreland figure out how to bomb the North Vietnamese in Hanoi.
10:14 – Angelina refusing to clean would drive me fucking bananas. That is one of my most fervent pet peeves.
10:15 – “Please hit the fucking treadmill” – The Situation to Angelina. Amazing and my thoughts exactly.
10:16 – Why was Jwoww smiling when she said that seeing Snooki upset breaks her heart? I don’t understand the emotional makeup of this show. And why would Angelina fly off the handle because they asked her to do the dishes? I’m so confused.
10:20 – Why is The Situation apologizing to her? So there aren’t any consequences for her actions and Angelina will continue acting like a huge bitch to everyone.
10:23 – Yes, Snooki, I suppose ‘sympathetic’ is a big word for some people. I mean it does have three syllables.
10:28 – The rain is pathetic fallacy for Ron and Sammi’s forthcoming blowout over his cheating.
10:31 – The shot of Vinny and Pauly saying they never saw Ron cheat on Sam and then the cut to the two of them laughing at it in the club was the funniest thing I’ve seen all season.
10:39 – Why do they wear sunglasses all the time? Are they playing a poker game I’m not aware of?
10:41 – Are Ron and Sam arguing in a shower? What is going on here? How did he turn it around so she seems like the one who made a mistake? The guy might not be as dumb as he looks.
10:45 – What is that noise The Situation was making when he found out about the note? They are all enjoying this way too much; these guido and guidettes certainly love drama.
10:48 – “If they end up together, she looks like the dumbest fucking bitch.” – Jwoww. That’s the smartest thing she ever said and I’m terrified that I agree with her.
10:53 – Ron has got some balls. Calling another chick, his hometown honey, literally five seconds after he and Sammi broke up takes nuts big enough to fit in a dump truck.
(BOD - Elin "Free Agent" Woods)
The big news that reverberated around the sporting landscape and the world wide web yesterday, much like a skipped stone flying across a calm lake, was that Elin Woods finally decided to divorce the world’s most notorious philanderer, Tiger Woods.
Obviously, this wasn’t the most shocking news in the world. Tiger made it clear that, through his various and well-documented dalliances with a cavalcade of trollops, he never wanted to be married in the first place. Actually, I’m a little surprised that Elin went through with the divorce.
There are a lot of celebrity wives that would have just turned the other cheek when confronted with their husband’s infidelities in order to keep their gravy train running. I have a sneaking suspicion that, if Tiger’s cheating never went public, Elin would have just grinned and bore it. Truthfully, she had to divorce Tiger for women everywhere; to let the sisterhood of the travelling pants know that she wasn’t going to let him get away with that bullshit.
I commend her for having the spine and backbone to rid herself of, arguably, the most popular athlete on the planet and a man who is well on his way to a $1 billion fortune. I’m not sure all women would have the confidence to make the same decision. Elin is somehow more attractive to me now.
However, I didn’t like how, as soon as news of the divorce was made public, she went running to People magazine to tell her side of the story. Now, I have no problem with her telling her account of the sordid story once, but that’s it. I sincerely hope she doesn’t embark on some type of media tour shilling and chatting for anyone who will listen.
Otherwise, she’ll just be looked at as another fame-whore.
I think this divorce will actually be a boon to the remnants of Tiger’s golf career. It was evident from his play this summer that the personal turmoil ravaging his life was adversely affecting his performance on the golf course. Tiger’s biggest advantage, besides otherworldly talent, always has been his laser-like focus and metal fortitude.
During his rounds this year, it was clear that Tiger’s mind was not on golf. Now that the divorce is out of the way and that stressor is no longer in his life, he is free to bang as many chicks as he wants and win a plethora of golf tournaments.
You heard it here first: look for Tiger to win at least one major during the 2011 PGA Tour season.
(BOD - Lea Michele)
It has been a long time since the Toronto Blue Jays organization have had a position player with the mental makeup and testicular fortitude of Clint Eastwood in, well, pretty much every movie he’s ever been in.
The Jays have had a plethora of pitchers with that bulldog, ‘take no prisoners’ mentality: Doc Halladay, Pat Hengten, Roger Clemens (albeit chemically enhanced), Jack Morris and Dave Steib. For some reason, which ultimately may just be a coincidence, the team has never had a physical presence in their everyday lineup with a little bit of a mean streak.
Think back to some of the top hitters in recent Jays history: Vernon Wells, Carlos Delgado, Robbie Alomar. They’re all happy-go-lucky guys with primarily sunny dispositions who are always friendly with opposing players. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s nice to see a player who doesn’t treat each game like some 1960s love-in.
I want players who don’t like the other team and want to get under their skin. I want to see a little gumption and grit from my ball team from time to time, just so that I know their competitive fire still burns brightly.
That’s why I was ecstatic to see Jose Bautista’s actions during Monday night’s game against the Bronx Bombers. After hitting a home run against Yankees rookie righthander, Ivan Nova, early in the game, Nova buzzed him with a pitch high and tight in his next at-bat.
As a pitcher, I have no problem with throwing inside, in fact I deem it necessary; and if I happen to throw it so far inside that the hitter has leap out of the way of the pitch, then all the better. Whatever I can do to take the batter’s mind of hitting, I will do. However, I do have a problem with throwing at a guy’s head intentionally; that’s just cowardly.
That being said, I don’t think Nova was trying to hit Bautista on purpose and I loved that Jose didn’t automatically charge the mound. All he did was take a few steps towards Nova and question his intent with the pitch. Nova didn’t back down and they began jawing at each other animatedly and then both benches cleared.
For the record, I would have acted the same way Nova did. I don’t want a batter walking towards my mound questioning my pitches. Fuck you and get back in the batter’s box. The actions of both guys were fantastic. Just two warriors facing off in a showdown that was reminiscent of old time baseball.
Jose’s next at-bat was pure perfection. He hit his second home run of the game, and 40th on the year, off of David Robertson. Immediately after making contact, Bautista flipped his bat in the air in a wonderful pimp job and slowly, and I mean slowly, trudged around the bases. It took him 28 seconds to get back to home plate, where he pumped his fist repeatedly.
It was the first time in years that a Jay has stepped up against the Big, Bad Yankees and said that this team isn’t backing down. The only way Jose could have made the moment better, or a more egregious GFY to the entire Yankees was if he pulled down his pants at home plate and waved his dick at Joe Girardi.
Who knows, there’s still Game 3 tonight.
(BOD - Natalie Getz)
A big day for Talkin’ with Tewks today. I was unable to watch last night’s episode of Bachelor Pad, a transgression that I would love to be able to rectify, but two great things happened as a result of my viewing absence.
My reason for missing the show was due to baseball. I pitched last night and, though the game events were decidedly non-descript (we won 5-4), by striking out the last batter of the game, I was able to reach 100 strikeouts on the season (I’ve always been a fan of big, round numbers).
Thus, I needed a pinch-hitter for today’s column. I thought I could entrust CSzem to complete his duties as my Number 2, but he begged off with some excuse that was never fully expressed to me. However, based on his disturbing comments in this week’s podcast, it probably had something to do with watching young boys play football.
In a fortuitous display of heart and hustle, Mrs. CSzem volunteered to take over the recap this week. This is a historical moment for the blog, as it’s the first time a person with two X chromosomes has been invited to write a guest column. We’re big fans of Title IX and women’s equality at Talkin’ with Tewks.
I’m so excited to do the play-by-play this week for Bachelor Pad while CSzem cleans the kitchen and takes care of OSzem. I’ll apologize in advance for any unnecessary cattiness, or dull comments...here goes!
8:03 – Deceit and honesty? Gia, seriously? You gave Wes a rose...WES!! You’re an idiot.
8:04 – I’d leave too, Natalie...this is bush
8:04 – Kovacs looks like the poor woman’s David Boreanez
8:05 – It looks like Gia needs to start puttin’ out to solidify her spot in the house
8:06 – Dear Lord, Gia’s crying already. She’s ridiculous! Who goes on a show like this with a boyfriend!?
8:08 – And now Tenley’s crying. This makes me embarrassed to be a girl! Seriously, we don’t all cry like this!!!
8:11 – So wait...are Kovacs and Elisabeth really in a relationship?
8:11 – Poor Weatherman...poor poor Weatherman
8:14 – Cszem wants to know what kind of pie eating contest could trump a kissing contest...douche
8:21 – Really, Gia? You didn’t think everyone was going to turn into porn stars on Bachelor Pad? It’s called Bachelor Pad. I think her dropping out was respectful, but seriously...don’t go on a show like this with a boyfriend and then flip out when there is a kissing contest.
(Queue PVR...OSzem is freaking out and CSzem is trying to cope...not sure how long I’ll be able to do the play-by-play without playing Mommy...)
- Wow! look at Natalie going to town on the Weatherman! I’m shocked she didn’t puke in her mouth a little bit...and I certainly hope that she wasn’t standing too close
- So happy that Peyton won! She’s not trampy whatsoever, so these dates should actually be nice to watch, instead of a sleaze fest!
- I have no idea what just happened in date selection other than trampy Natalie was chosen (so much for no sleaze fest on the dates!)...OSzem just puked all over CSzem’s shorts...quick wardrobe change and another PVR pause...apparently CSzem just needs to see these Vegas dates...
- Sorry Tewks, I have no idea what the timeframes are now until we catch up to live.
- Natalie is such a whore! “Ooops, turbulence!” Tewks, I know you’d be all over that but c’mon...whore
- Man I need a vacation...even to Vegas would be fine...
- Wait a second...I thought Trampy McTramperson was into Jesse, not Dave???
- No, Weatherman, you have no chance at winning anything in this house. You’re there to be the village idiot...
- LOVE Nikki’s white dress! She looks like a knockout!
- “I shoulda opened my mouth more at the pool”...ya...you probably shoulda!
- Bwahahahahahahahaha Fantasy Suite card! She’s such a friggin whore!
8:56 – Looks like Tenley’s about to get her heart broken...get over it. She’s definitely just a whiney as I remember.
8:59 – Thank you for the clarification Jesse! Your viewers much appreciate it...now why do you have a shirt on? I would like to see those tattoos please!
9:06 – Peyton, just believe that Tenley is a wee bit crazy!
9:10 – I definitely thought that Jesse was there to whore it up, but it’s not looking that way, unless it’s all a ploy to get a rose and further himself in the game. I’m interested to see how this one plays out!
9:13 – Kovacs, people don’t just think you’re with Elisabeth, you ARE with Elisabeth. Do you not remember the shower scene? Girls don’t do that for just anyone!
9:20 – And we’re back to Gia the moron...Wes is NOT a straight shooter! He’s there for one reason, and has not one single good intention in his body
9:22 – “They say, that love it don’t come easy”...learn some grammar, Wes!
9:23 – Gia – pretty earrings...dumb, dumb girl. Did she not watch Jillian’s season? He’s a slime ball!
9:33 – The whole Outsiders vs. Insiders crap was Gia’s thing from the get-go. I used to really like her on Jake’s season, even with her peanut-butter-mouth....now...not so much!
(I agree with Tewks, 2hrs is way too long for this show. I’m exhausted and need to go to bed...)
9:40 – is Natalie high? What’s with the whole coming out of the bathroom or wherever all frazzled and Krissalee asking her if she’s okay? “I’m just so chill right now”...or high? My vote’s on high!
9:47 – I haven’t even been paying attention for the past 10 minutes or so. I’m assuming that Elisabeth and Kovacs are going home, where they can continue their weird relationship of sorts
Longest commercial break ever!
9:51 – why is Natalie always wearing a tu-tu at the rose ceremonies?
9:54 - Whoa! I just looked up to see an ostritch around Melissa’s neck! WTF?!
9:54 – awh...poor Weatherman...
9:55 – Elisabeth looks like a hot mess! She looks so matronly in her jacket dress thing but is trying SO hard to be “young” with the blonde hair...one big hot mess!
9:58 – Yahoo! I’m so glad that Dave sees Wes as two faced...next week should be interesting!
Previews of next week! Worst boob job – Elisabeth HANDS DOWN!!! I’m so excited!! Natalie – biggest tramp!! Drama drama!
What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.
(BOD - Andrea Corr)
With National Football league pre-season games upon us, we figured it was time to preview the upcoming regular season. Because my interest in the sport doesn't really get going until Week 10, we stayed on the biggest stories and teams so I wouldn't embarrass myself too much.
We touched on:
- Favre and the Vikings
- Rex Ryan and the J-E-T-S!
- Drew Brees and the defending champion Saints
- Peyton and the Colts
- Brady and the Patriots
Talkin' with Tewks Live: NFL Preview
Enjoy.
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