Tewks and Kobe: Kings of the Mountain

(BOD - Amy Adams)

Game 7 of the NBA Finals took place last night, with Kobe winning his fifth title and second straight NBA Finals MVP award. I think it’s safe to say, without hyperbole, that he’s the most important person in the history of basketball save for Dr. James Naismith.

Did I watch? No. I had to pitch last and I’m glad I did. I threw a no-hitter, striking out 10 and surrendering only one walk. I walked the second batter of the game and that was the only batter who reached base all night.

To prove I’m not making this up, check this out (scroll down below latest scores). What did I do after my performance? Did I rest on my laurels? Well, I did have two beers in celebration with the boys, but when I got home I went for a mile run, did 20 pullups, 40 pushups and 60 squats. I’m just like Doc Halladay (except, you know, not as good or as rich). There’s always work to be done.

Basically, this preamble means that I entrusted CSzem to cover Game 7, primarily because I wanted to see if he’d actually be able to watch the game without Mrs. CSzem murdering him in the process. Let’s see how it turned out:

Around lunchtime on Thursday (at least I think it was lunchtime and I think it was Thursday...as you can imagine the events of the last few days are a bit of a blur), Tewks asked me to once again "pinch-blog", as baseball would preclude him from giving proper credence to Game 7 of the NBA Finals - an event in which (as an avid sports fan and even more avid gambler) I would no doubt have a keen interest.

Never one to leave a friend in the lurch (or alienate a burgeoning double-digit readership), I agreed despite my unusual circumstances. I did, however, first offer a warning to Tewks regarding the following:

Due to lack of computer access, I'd be sitting in a hospital room writing my entry on my Blackberry. My fatherly duties would - of course - take precedence over the game at some point. And the only TV I have access to is old enough to be my son's father, and is located in a public lounge next to our hospital room, so I may or may not have control of the channel selected (assuming the rabbit ears work and we get any channels at all).

And then I think I clued in on what might have been the point all along. New Dad + Sports Freak + Gambling Addict + Limited Game Access = Entertainment (for others)....let the hilarity ensue.

8:48 - Fastly approaching tip-off, Mother and Baby are resting comfortably. OSzem has shaken off this afternoon's "procedure" (he'll thank me later), and a recent bout of the hiccups, and looks about ready to pack it in for the night. This might just go off without a hitch.

8:51 - So much for that. I don't think Mrs. CSzem ever liked that shirt much anyways.

8:57 - We've now got official clearance from Mrs. CSzem to watch the game. The catch: She wants to sleep, so O-Szem is coming with me to the lounge. Given the fact that I haven't figured out how to hold him with my left arm, and the fact that I am not particularly adept at typing with that hand, this should make for an interesting edit for Tewks before posting.

9:04 - Good start. The game is on and a nice lady gave me a better chair.

9:12 - This is going to be tough. OSzem freaks out when I move my left hand.

9:15 -  Airball by #5 in green. Never would have happened if Kevin Garnett was still alive.

9:25 - That's a crazy face. I think OSzem’s hungry.

9:32 - Not sure who had a better first quarter? The Celtics or OSzem? Let's see if either of them can hold this together for 4 quarters.

9:51 - OSzem's keeping it together. The Celtics? Not so much. Even Jack Nicholson has outscored the Celtics this quarter (that's a lie, neither of them have any points....although Jack managed to escape KG from killing him while diving into the front row. ANYTHING'S POSSIBLLLLLE!!!!!)

9:55 - The Nurse just halted OSzem's momentum. Something about "checking vitals". Doesn't she know this is Game 7?

10:36 - I feel like the game is probably back on. A few years ago, I might not have been mature enough to miss part of this potentially epic/historic game. Good thing I've changed.

10:37 - Oh for Christ's sakes. How much can a one day old eat?!?!? The game is on. Come on! Come oooooooooon!!!! No fair! All the other Dads are watching!

11:00 - We're back!! Wow, did I even miss anything? Did anyone score in the hour I was gone? Is Brian Scalabrine on the floor? What the Hell's going on?

11:13 - "If the Celtic's win, Daddy hits a parlay son. Do you know what that means?" (Aside from being able to afford next week's supply of diapers)

11:30 - This is the biggest shit I've ever seen. Am I talking about my son or the shooting at the start of the fourth quarter???

And that's it. OSzem's first Game 7 in the books. I'd love to call it exciting, but the game sucked for 45 minutes.

I'm off the change a diaper, and then toss and turn on my makeshift bed (i.e. two chairs pushed together) for a few hours.

Congrats to Tewks for somehow not spending 5000 words telling us about his no-hitter.

US Open Preview

(BOD - Vanessa Perroncel)

The United States Open Championship at Pebble Beach starts tomorrow and, to be perfectly honest, I had no idea the tournament was to be played this weekend until just a few days ago. In a normal year, that never happens, but this golf season just feels different with the continued trials and tribulations of Eldrick Woods.

Besides the Masters, Tiger has struggled mightily this year, whether it be with his confidence in his game or confidence in his injured neck. He seems completely mortal this year, unlike the Tiger of old. So much so that other golfers are actually starting to chirp Woods, saying he is no longer invincible and has chinks in his armour. The worst part is that they’re right.

Two years ago, Tiger would have filed those comments in his memory bank and bludgeoned the perpetrators by eighteen strokes on the golf course. Unfortunately, his game is not good enough to do that at this point. Maybe he turns it around this week, but I’m not holding my breath.

Ordinarily, I plan my entire weekend around the season’s four majors, but, this year, I am completely ambivalent towards tuning in or not. That never happens.

However, this is all part of a weird 24 hours for me and this blog. Last night, I received word that the family Szem has officially increased by one member. Baby Szem (from now on referred to as OSzem) finally made his appearance into the world last night after taking his sweet ass time for what seemed like an eternity.

Congratulations to Mrs. Cszem (let’s be honest, CSzem’s duties pretty much ended nine months ago and, even then, I’m sure it was a less than inspired performance)!!

I have two hopes for OSzem: that he takes after the mother in every category possible except for sports knowledge and he starts talking soon as we can groom him as a replacement host for the podcasts.

It’s very exciting as this is the first child of Talkin’ with Tewks (that we know of. There’s an excellent chance I have fathered a baseball team’s worth of kids all over North America over the past seven years).

The next weird moment is taking place right now as I write this. Currently, I am watching my new favourite soccer team, Argentina, play their second game against South Korea. I’m still not sure what exactly is going as I’m mesmerized by the hair on Maradona and the rest of the boys. In fact, I would prefer a camera on Maradona at all times; his reactions are way more exciting than the actual game.

He’s dribbling the ball every time it comes near him. Plus, he’s still looking a pimp with his coiffed hair and fitted suit. He’s the best. I really need to get my hands on a jersey ASAP.

Back to the US Open: a lot of pundits are picking a young gun to win this year’s tourney. I wholeheartedly disagree. The US Open is the most difficult test in golf. You can’t shoot a low number or be aggressive on a US Open course. You will get eaten alive.

Young golfers will not have the temperament to navigate Pebble Beach for four long, arduous rounds. In fact, the only player under 35 with a chance to win is Tiger Woods. Otherwise, look for the newest member of the fortieth birthday club, Phil Mickelson, to capture the second leg of the grand slam.

The Lake Show Guarantees One More Night

(BOD - Kylie Minogue)

Game 6 was tremendously exciting and enjoyable to watch from the perspective of a self-described Kobe super fan. At no point during last night’s contest was I worried that the Lakers weren’t going to force a Game 7.

And it had nothing to do with Kobe solidifying his status as the frontrunner for the Finals MVP trophy (is anyone else even close? Who wins it for the Celtics? Rondo’s been handling the ball like a grenade and can’t make shot from the free throw line. Ray Allen just can’t make a shot).

No, it had everything to do with Los Angeles exploiting their home court advantage and soaking up the atmosphere within the comfy confines of the Staples Center. I’ve mentioned this before, but the home team in an NBA game has such a glaring advantage with thousands of fans cheering them on in such an intimate setting. Plus, I’m confident that a loud crowd can influence referees to make subconscious (or conscious) calls in favour of the home team.

I was nervous during every game played in Boston because of that fact. Also, with the Lakers depending on a head case like Ron Artest it’s good for him to play basking in the home crowd’s love as opposed to hearing derisive chants from Celtic fans.

Speaking of derisive chants, every time Lamar Odon went to the free throw line in Boston the crowd would serenade him with chants of “Ugly Sister!” because Odom happens to be married to the least attractive Kardashian sister. No wonder he sucked so bad in Game 5.

I was surprised that the crowd at the Staples Center was so loud and boisterous considering it’s made up of so many celebrities unable to make distinct facial expressions because they’re loaded up with so much botox. Even Jack Nicholson was getting into the act, yelling and gesticulating wildly at several points in the game. He looked like an old man trying to get some unruly teenagers to stay off his lawn, but the effort was there.

The biggest difference between Game 5 and Game 6 was the play of the Lakers supporting cast. After Kobe was forced to pretty much play 1 on 5 during the second half of Game 5, I’m sure he had some choice words for his teammates.

In fact, with Pau Gasol and Artest playing so well last night, it wouldn’t surprise me if Kobe threatened to kill their family pets if they didn’t get their act together last night. And that’s why Kobe’s the best player in the game. Trust me, he is not letting his team lose at home in Game 7. He will, uh, will the Lakers to victory.

Speaking of supporting casts, who the hell is Shannon Brown and how did he turn Game 6 into his own personal slam drunk contest? He was incredible last night and had more energy than anyone else on the floor. If LA can get more terrific contributions from its bench then Boston is in big trouble, especially considering the Celtics bench was outscored 24-0 after three quarters.

It’s great to see Boston’s subs playing so lousy led by the moronic Big Baby Davis. After his pathetic preening and prancing around one good game he has faded back into obscurity and shitty play just like I predicted. It looks good on him.

Start planning the parade now Laker fans.

I'm Here to Guard and Protect this Bachelorette Recap

(BOD - Katherine Heigl)

Another Monday night, another episode of The Bachelorette. It’s like Christmas morning each and every week.

There were some terrific comments last week: from the Family Szem weighing in with their usual great contributions to newcomers Carissa, Rambo, and Gretzpo joining this season’s fray. Special mention to The Fleurys for the excellent rundown of the remaining contestants. Comparing Justin to Joran Van Der Sloot absolutely killed me. Funny, topical and the epitome of bad taste.

Let’s keep it going this week.

8:00 – We have a full house tonight. I’m joined by Mama Tewks, Sister Tewks and Cousin Tewks. Cousin Tewks is a 27 year old man with a predilection for romantic comedies. I think it’s quite obvious that manliness and testosterone do not swim in our gene pool.

8:03 – The travel graphic looked a little cheap. I kept getting flashbacks to Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

8:04 – I think this designer is straighter than the Weatherman.

8:05 – Sister Tewks said the following after the designer said Ali didn’t need a lot of makeup. “Oh bullshit. Yes, she does. She’s a slut.” Wow, I’m not quite sure how to follow that line of logic.

8:07 – “Her roots are showing.” Mama Tewks. The claws are sharp tonight.

8:08 – Cousin Tewks just used the word ‘fashionista’ in a sentence. That has to be a new record. Eight minute from straight to gay while watching this show.

8:15 – Why do they take helicopters everywhere? This isn’t a very green friendly show. I’d like to know what The Bachelorette’s carbon footprint is.

8:16 – I have no idea what Kasey is saying, but he sounds like he has peanut butter on the roof of his mouth.

8:17 – Oh my God. Oh dear Christ. He’s singing. Please make it stop. It’s like watching a car crash. I don’t want to watch, but it’s impossible to look away.

8:17 – This is like a bad American Idol audition. Cousin Tewks – “That was awesome.” He’s hooked. And another one bites the dust.

8:22 – Why do they run everywhere?

8:25 – Ali is legitimately terrified of Kasey. I think she’s scared that she’s going to end up a well in his basement. He’s like Buffalo Bill. It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.

8:26 – He’s singing again! What is wrong with this guy? This is more awkward than the night I lost my virginity, but I think Kasey’s song lasted a little bit longer.

8:27 – This is a smart decision by Ali. Good job, girl. Get rid of the serial killer.

8:28 – Wait, what? Why are you giving him another chance?

8:28 – His funny side? I think Ali and I have different definitions of humour. There’s nothing funny about being chopped up and left in a meat freezer.

8:34 – “I think the forecast looks pretty good today.” I think I can speak for everyone watching when I say, Weatherman, you can go fuck yourself.

8:36 – The Weatherman is way too excited to be on Broadway. Gaydar is off the charts right now. At this point, I’d actually be surprised if we got confirmation he’s straight.

8:38 – I actually prefer these singing clips over Kasey’s warbling.

8:39 - Once again, Roberto knocks it out of the park. The guy is a machine. He’s like Joe DiMaggio during his 56 game hitting streak.

8:41 – “I like Roberto and I like Jesse” - Sister Tewks. “I haven’t picked my favourite yet” - Cousin Tewks. He might be more pathetic than I am.

8:45 – Ali’s got some sneaky big breasts. They’re like a rising fastball with late life.

8:47 – “He is kind of handsome” - Cousin Tewks on Roberto. I’m at a loss for words. I can literally see his penis inverting itself into his abdomen.

8:57 – Mama Tewks is just railing on Ali’s voice. Is it really that bad? To me, it sounds like a cloud dipped in honey.

9:01 – Nice move, Kirk. If he was smart, he’d be laying an ungodly amount of pipe right now.

9:02 – Kirk with a tremendous performance. Now that is how you woo a woman. Leave her wanting more. Both Cousin Tewks and I just gave him a golf clap in respect for his game.

9:15 - Kasey’s tattoo is completely ridiculous, but at least he didn’t write Ali’s name on his arm or something equally stupid. On a related note, did you know that he’s here to guard her heart?

9:17 – Not to be a dick, but Chris L needs to cool it on the Mom talk. He’s making it very tough to make fun of this show.

9:21 – Justin, some advice. Professional wrestling villains don’t use the word ‘fibber.’

9:23 – I guarantee Chris L was disappointed after Ali asked him to go upstairs. I bet he thought he was going to get some birthday sex. Instead, he has to listen to some emotional jackoff play his guitar.

9:25 – Chris L needs to learn how to kiss. It looks like he took lessons from Ralph Macchio’s drop and drive with Elisabeth Shue at the end of The Karate Kid.

9:28 – Craig is a douchebag. He’s only mouthing off to Justin because he knows you can’t have a physical confrontation on these shows. What a chickenshit. In the real world, Justin would beat his ass with his crutches.

9:30 – The Weatherman did not break out a fucking guitar. You gotta be fucking kidding me!!! This is brutal. I hate all of these guys. They are so lame.

9:31 – “I’m more of a singer-songwriter.” That comment brought out the biggest laugh of the night
at Casa di Tewks. The Weatherman has so little self-awareness, I’m actually starting to feel bad for him. That’s a lie. He’s terrible.

9:39 – The reactions on these guys when Kasey unveiled his tattoo were priceless. Just complete shock. Also, they realized that they have to live with this psychopath for an extended period of time. I’d be scared for my life.

9:48 – Kirk moved up the highest this week. Just a transcendent performance.

9:49 – Who the hell is Chris N.? He literally did not say one word the entire episode.

9:51 – Kasey? You cannot be serious? Ali is really making it hard to for me to have an unhealthy crush on her.

9:52 – And the Weatherman blubbers like a baby. He just flushed his career down the toilet.

Iceland looks very promising.

What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.

Talkin' with Tewks Live: The World Cup

(BOD - Eva Mendes)

As someone severely lacking in foot-eye coordination, I never thought I would ever discuss soccer in this space. On the other hand, CSzem, due to his excessive gambling problem, has embraced the sport wholeheartedly.

Somehow he was able to coerce me into a World Cup podcast. Surprisingly enough, I actually enjoyed it and I'm somewhat excited to see how my adopted team will fare in the tournament (you'll have to listen to find out which country that is; I'm very excited about this burgeoning relationship).

Talkin' with Tewks Live - The World Cup

Enjoy.