Rocky Tribute

(BOD - Lauren Pryor)

Those of you who are devoted readers to the blog will recall that Gretzpo and I embarked on a road trip to Philadelphia to watch Roy Halladay throw a gem against the Jays. A true pilgrimmage to Philly cannot be complete without a tribute to the greatest fictional boxer in sports history, Rocky Balboa.

I'm ashamed to admit that Gretzpo and I almost cancelled our visit to the Philadelphia Museum of Art (home of the iconic Rocky steps) due to traffic concerns. Luckily, we decided to soldier on and managed to pay our respects to the true people's champion.

Where most people would be satisfied with a picture from the top of the steps to document their journey, Gretzpo and I aren't most people (as we showed during our recreation of the homoerotic beach run from Rocky III; see it here).

Thus, we decided to create another tribute video, this time to Rocky's training for his first bout with Apollo Creed. We spent a good thirty minutes storyboarding this idea and shooting the various shots you are about to witness. While Gretzpo has embraced Crossfit, he still has a long way to go before he can catch the big dog in the yard (i.e. yours truly).

Therefore, Gretzpo plays the part of Rocky when he's in terrible shape and I play the part of Rocky when he's in great shape.

Enjoy.

British Open Preview

(BOD - Jessica Simpson)

The third major in professional golf’s calendar starts today: The Open Championship at venerable St. Andrews in Scotland, recognized as the birthplace of golf. The tournament has the most history in the sport and many pundits believe that you can’t be considered one of the game’s all time greats without raising the Claret Jug over your head.

Now, with all that being said, I find the Open to be the worst major to watch on TV, especially compared to the Masters. I’m sure CSzem will accuse me of blasphemy at some point today. Why don't I like it?

The time difference. I’m used to golf tournaments ending just before dinner time and ensuring that I have the opportunity to watch some coverage at some point during the afternoon. The Open screws that up. Players are teeing off at 3am Eastern Time, and the television coverage ends just after lunch. If I go out drinking on championship weekend, there’s an excellent chance I’ll be stuck in bed nursing a wicked hangover as the champion approaches the green on eighteen.

The courses. While I do appreciate links golf, the courses are ugly. There are weeds growing everywhere, trees nowhere to be seen, and the greens and fairways are a putrid shade of green and brown. I find it difficult to pick up the ball on TV and it just doesn’t look like anyone would want to pay money to be there.

I do, however, enjoy the style of play. It’s an exciting form of golf, which rewards creativity and ingenuity. It’s not 'hit a big drive, short iron in' that has come to typify North American courses.

I think I would play well in links golf, as I could just bump and run my way to a decent score. I don’t hit long enough to compete on courses over here; how else do you think Tommy Watson almost won the whole damn thing last year at age 59?

Plus, the time difference actually played into my hand this year. I woke up this morning to write the column and realized I could make some predictions with the benefit of most of the first round in the books.

Wow.

The first score I saw was Tiger at five under through 13; that got me jacked up, but then I realized that the on-screen graphic didn’t say he was the leader, which I found odd. The announcers started talking about John Daly shooting a 66. John Daly? Is this 1995?

Next, Rory McIlroy took over my screen at eight under par through sixteen holes. The kid had a legitimate chance to shoot the first 62 in major championship history, before finishing with a ho-hum 63. The golf gods will not allow these low scores to continue and I predict wind and rain to be set forth in a horrific storm on the weekend.

How about the parallels between Rory McIlroy and Roy McAvoy (Kevin Costner in Tin Cup)? Their names sound eerily similar and they both threatened 62 during a major championship. Now, McAvoy shot his 63 in the second round after an 82 in the first. Can we expect McIlroy to shoot 10 over par tomorrow? Yes, we can.

Tiger is not losing this tournament. His highlights from today’s round read like a ‘putting it together’ montage from a Rocky movie (more on that in tomorrow’s column; I have a special treat for all of you). It's only a matter of time before he raises his arms in victory again.

When Does the All Star Game Start?

(BOD - Mary Pickford)

Once the Midsummer Classic actually got started, it was a pretty entertaining and fast-paced affair. The top pitchers in both leagues were absolutely dealing and shredding through the best hitters in Major League Baseball.

The game didn’t get bogged down until the later innings when both managers reverted to the over-management style that plagues today’s game. In what universe does Roy Halladay only throw 2/3 of an inning?

Unfortunately, for young Phillies fans, they didn’t even get to see Doc pitch because they were in bed long before he took the hill. Millions of fans were in the same situation, Tewks included. If you live on the East Coast, the game didn’t start until 8:50pm. That is complete bullshit.

This is a perfect opportunity to showcase the best in the game and MLB organized it so half the population of North America was asleep by the seventh inning stretch. I tuned in at 8pm, figuring I would be right on time for catching the first pitch.

Wrong.

First I had to sit through a tribute to the Yankees enigmatic owner, George Steinbrenner. There is no doubt that Steinbrenner should have been remembered, but it was ridiculous to see the man painted as a hero and hear everyone reminisce about their fond memories of “The Boss.” The guy was a colossal prick; a winner in all facets of life, but a prick nonetheless.

He was terrible to his employees and anyone else who he deemed failing to live up to his impossibly high expectations. Why was he like this? Because his dad was an asshole as well, who never said a nice about young George during his entire life.

His legacy will be as a tremendous owner who won at all costs, but also a mean-spirited egomaniac who would punch his own mother for an American League pennant. However, George was also the King of media quotes. My favourite was when he was discussing Dave Winfield’s anemic playoff performances in his later years with the Yankees:

“Where is Reggie Jackson? We need a Mr. October or a Mr. September . . . Dave Winfield is Mr. May.”

So, after the Steinbrenner tribute, the game should have started immediately, right? Nope. I had to sit through a myriad of celebrities talking about community volunteerism for fifteen minutes. I’m all for altruism, but not at the expense of my baseball watching.

Next, we were forced to watch the fat, black girl from Glee stage an impromptu concert. This is the Major League All Star Game for chrissakes, not Lillith Fair. Why did she sing so many songs? This is how you plan on attracting new fans?

The All Star Game should be about celebrating the sport, not a cross-promotional corporate schmooze fest to see how many commercials and advertisements MLB can assault our senses with in an hour.

So, who won? I have no idea.

I was sleeping.

The Bachelorette: Hometown Dates

(BOD - Bar Refaeli)

The hometown dates are always my favourite episode of the season because it’s always entertaining to see which contestants have the crazy families who just destroy any chance they have at making it to the final two.

8:00 – Cousin Tewks has returned after a two week hiatus. Welcome back to the dark side. Or I guess this would be the pink, fluffy, unicorn side. The first words out of his mouth were, “Isn’t the home run derby on tonight?” My reply: “Don’t be gay.”

8:02 – As soon as the strains of salsa music hit the speakers, I immediately stereotyped this as Roberto’s date. And the producers didn’t let me down.

8:03 – Full disclosure: I may have gotten aroused when they revealed the baseball diamond.

8:04 – I also would like to have my name on Roberto’s jersey.

8:05 – There’s no way I can recap this date without sounding like a fawning fancy boy over Roberto.

8:06 – If Ali got a hit off of me, I would have buzzed her face with an inside fastball. Love be damned, I don’t give up extra base hits. Plus, she was crowding the plate.

8:13 – “Look at her heels” – Cousin Tewks when Ali was approaching Roberto’s house. Wow. I can’t even make fun of him here. I just feel sorry for him.

8:15 – Did Roberto’s dad just say that he was a ‘big prize’? Papa Tewks would be begging Ali to take me away.

8:16 – “I want to own a business and be successful.” Ali has certainly honed in those career aspirations.

8:17 – Did Roberto’s mother just come over on a raft? Can someone check her papers?

8:19 – Roberto’s dad is a PIMP. He’s like a Latino Tom Selleck.

8:27 – The consensus in the Tewks household is that Chris is way more smitten with Ali than she is with him. We are predicting heartbreak for Mr. Cape Cod.

8:30 – “Get a pair” – Cousin Tewks to Chris. I could not agree more.

8:37 – I would eat the entire plate of shrimp.

8:43 – Crestfallen? Demonstrative? Chris’ dad is bringing out the SAT words tonight.

8:44 – The sisters-in-law are just jealous Harpies. Of course they’re going to put Ali down, they’re ugly.

8:45 – Yeah, this isn’t going to work out. There is just too much of a discrepancy between Ali’s level of attractiveness and the frumpy twins. They will never get along.

8:47 – What father asks his son if he’s found his soulmate on reality television? Papa Tewks would just want to know if I’d thrown it to her yet.

8:49 – Did anyone else think that Chris’ mom was buried in that stone rotunda? No? I’m just a terrible person.

8:54 – Please don’t call a grown man Kirky.

8:56 – Kirk’s dad is the epitome of creepy. He’s like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.

8:57 – Ali looks like she’s going to throw up.

9:00 – “She’s got a little junk in the trunk going there” – Mama Tewks about Ali. Are you kidding me? I think she may be senile. Time for the retirement home.

9:06 – Kirk’s mom looks like a 16 year old babe from behind and the Wicked Witch of the West from the front.

9:07 – I really need to stop watching this in HD. If I see another close up of Kirk’s mom, I am going to puke.

9:09 – I am out until Kirk’s date is over. I can’t watch this anymore. That face is going to haunt my dreams.

9:11 – Kirk’s dad looks like a genius now: divorcing Kirk’s mom before she got gross. He definitely sold that stock before the market crashed.

9:17 – Can anything that Frank is wearing on this date be considered men’s clothing?

9:19 – What situation are Ali and Frank talking about? The guy from Jersey Shore?

9:21 – Has Frank never seen this show before? He’s like a chick. Enough with the insecurities.

9:26 – Did Frank’s dad just kiss him on the cheek? Is there a testosterone shortage in America that I don’t know about?

9:28 – Ali’s boobs look massive on this date.

9:30 – Frank’s sister has a very strange, halting way of speaking.

9:37 – Harrison showing up to put in his ten minutes of work this week. Good to see him again.

9:49 – Roberto. Of course. I would have given him a rose first as well. If, you know, I was a woman.

9:50 – Poor Kirk. Back to Green Bay.

9:52 – “Can I have a hug?” I can’t believe Ali had the audacity to ask that. I would have given her an elbow to the throat instead.

What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.

Talkin' with Tewks Live: Soccer's Over and LeBron Thoughts

(BOD - Anna Paquin)

Highlights from today's podcast:

- Final World Cup thoughts
- Lots of LeBron talk
- The wooing of a Hollywood starlet

Talkin' with Tewks Live

Enjoy.