Guest Column: CSzem vs The 18th Amendment

(BOD: Nicole Scherzinger)

Based on the great insider info we received from the Masters last week, and in a continued effort to legitimize the relevancy of the blog, I sent CSzem on assignment to cover the Blue Jays home opener on Monday night.

Why did I entrust my podcast co-host to take on such a important task? Do I believe he is a better writer or funnier than me? Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. But, I will never show my face at Opening Day for the reasons CSzem outlines below.

Furthermore, I don't like people to begin with. Why would I want to be around 50,000 of them in close quarters?

I do like CSzem's recap of the night though. It almost feels like I was there. His thesis: Tewks is always right.

However, I don't understand the title of his column. What is the 18th Amendment? It sounds like a shitty John Grisham novel.

Alex Rios is an asshole. More on that later, but I had to get it off my chest.

Sunday night, after finishing up our post-Masters podcast, the conversation between Tewks and I quickly turned to baseball. And why wouldn't it? The Good Doctor is thriving in Philly as we predicted, a number of bullpen collapses throughout the league have led to multiple exciting finishes around the league, and - of course - the Jays are off to yet another terrific start.

"I'm coming down to the Home Opener", I remarked to your regular blogger, "Are you going as well?"

This seemed like a reasonable question, and one I thought I knew the answer to. Tewks, however, threw me one of his trademark 12-6 curveballs by quickly jumping into a tirade about how he simply refuses to go to Opening Day. Ever the curmudgeon, his fury extended to parking attendants, traffic cops, other fans, and I think he even took a shot at underprivileged kids with disabilities.

I countered: What could be wrong with 50,000 screaming fans actually giving a crap for one game? Traffic, schmaffic. I'll deal with it.

The early returns on the trip were excellent. The traffic getting into town was considerably lighter than I expected and parking was a breeze. But, then it started.

"It" was the near total lack of ability for me to find beer to drink. I don't want to sound like an alcoholic here (I prefer to continue living the lie), but when I go to a baseball game, I expect to be able to drink plenty of beer. Right after we parked the car, we headed to a series of pubs/restaurants in hopes of grabbing a few pre-game pints – to no avail. Everywhere was packed.

I guess that's to be expected. There were lots of people around, which is a good thing. It means people care about this team and this game.

So we went inside the Dome. Since we were there a good hour and a half before the first pitch, the place was pretty empty. We grabbed a few beers, played “let’s see how many I can drink before the first pitch” (answer: 4), and enjoyed heckling Alex Rios.

Amazingly, Rios wasn’t even the most worthy adversary for my ire during the pre-game festivities. Out of nowhere appeared my nemesis: former Blue Jays broadcaster/the Antichrist (too much?), Jamie Campbell. He was 10 feet in front of me. What did I do? This was my chance to tell him how I felt!

“Thanks for ruining the last 4 years of my life, Jamie!!”

And with that, my revenge had been wrought. Did he hear me? That’s for him to know. In my mind, there’s no doubt. The moment could not have been more satisfying. My night was made, no matter what happened. And it’s a good thing, because what transpired afterwards was a series of rather depressing events.

To reiterate, Alex Rios is an asshole. This probably isn’t a huge surprise to most people. We are talking about a guy who went on a profanity-laced tirade after being criticized for denying a small child an autograph after a charity function; not exactly the stuff of philanthropic legend. But, I had no idea to what extent until I saw the pre-game introductions before the game. Booed heartily (as expected) by the patrons, Rios, instead of taking the high road (and eating the humble pie he deserved), thought it appropriate to mock the fans of Toronto.

He took off his cap and waved it around like he was getting a huge ovation. Just a giant middle finger to the fans who financially supported the team to such a degree that it allowed Rios to obtain a $60M contract.

Thanks for coming out, Alex. (Editor’s Note: I thought I hated Rios after Monday, but I had no idea how deep my hated ran after his destruction of Ricky Romero’s No-No last night)

Now, back to the beer situation. I mentioned earlier that there were nearly 50,000 people in attendance at the game on Monday night. I can only assume this was not a surprise to the Rogers Centre management, but you would have guessed they were expecting about 1,500 fans instead.

Never have I seen an event so understaffed. I sent my buddy up to grab us a couple beers around the 4th inning. Two innings later, he returned – beerless. He had given up waiting in the line because he didn’t want to miss any more baseball. Naturally, I figured that my friend was simply a moron and had made a poor line selection.

This proved to not be the case. Up two levels and on the other side of the stadium, I finally managed to find a beer vendor with a slightly smaller line. What an ordeal. I eventually returned to my seat (who knows how many innings later), but it was clear this was Rex Banner’s night.

Despite all of this, a huge number of fans still managed to get drunk enough to start the obligatory fights in the crowd. We were lucky enough to have a fight break out about ten feet from us, which was fantastic. This helped take my attention away from the field, so I didn’t have to pay attention while the Jays were painfully throwing away what should have been yet another victory.

Between the total lack of organization in the Dome, and the Blue Jays clear incompetence (they don't have me fooled), the night really turned into a phenomenal disaster.

Maybe Tewks was right? Maybe Opening Day should be left for the cretins and other pseudo-fans?

Nah, screw it. See you next year.