Will the Miami Heat Lose a Game?

(BOD - My Wife)

(Quick note to CSzem who lambasted me in yesterday’s comments for having the gall to not know the names of a bunch of MLB setup men. A thousand apologies, sir. Yes, I should have more respect for pitchers who aren’t trusted to throw to more than a couple of batters a game because they’re not good enough to be starters. And let’s be honest: the only reason you know who those guys are is because you’re a fantasy sports nerd, whereas I actually play the game)

When I first heard that LeBron James was going to hold a one hour special on ESPN to announce his destination for the next few NBA seasons, I thought this entire free agent saga had officially spun out of control.

Really, LeBron? You need an hour of primetime coverage to make a 3 second announcement. During the preamble, I kept getting flashbacks to American Idol results shows where it seems like a lot is happening, but it’s really just filler until a decision is made.

I also thought ESPN was trying way too hard to be like CNN last night. Calling the program ‘Decision’ and having a bunch of talking heads say the same thing over and over again gave me flashbacks to the election coverage (or really anything that CNN covers these days). I expected John King to pop out of nowhere and start writing on his goofy touch screen video board.

But as soon as Jim Gray started interviewing LeBron the entire program became oddly riveting. I found myself excited for LeBron’s decision even though it has very little impact on me as a sports fan.

Did anyone else notice how terrified LeBron looked when making the announcement he was headed to South Beach? I legitimately thought he was going to throw up. Then we all realized why. He was basically taking a gigantic dump on the city of Cleveland and his thousands of fans.

If I’m LeBron, I don’t understand this decision at all. Look at what Kobe Bryant faced previous to the last two years. Everyone said that Kobe couldn’t win a title without Shaq; that he needed another superstar to elevate himself to that next level. With apologies to Pau Gasol, Kobe has shown he can win a title as the big dog in the yard.

If (and really, when) the Heat win a title, the same thing will be written about LeBron. He couldn’t get it done in Cleveland by himself, so he needed to run to Miami and get help. Transcendent players don’t need ‘help’ to win championships.

It will be interesting to see how this soap opera plays out next season. Can Miami’s rookie coach handle these three big personalities? How long before Pat Riley emerges from the wings to take over the best team in East? Are there enough shots and minutes for LeBron, Wade and Bosh to co-exist peacefully?

What happens if the Heat get out to a slow start? Miami has to win the championship next season. Anything else will be considered a failure. LeBron has never really been that great at handling tremendous pressure, evidenced by his spectacular playoff flameouts the past two years. And Toronto fans all know that Chris Bosh sucks.

The wildcard in all of this is Kobe. I guarantee he was sitting at home watching the hoopla surrounding James and viewing the proceedings with a jealous eye. He’s the guy with five rings and currently the real King of the NBA castle.

I’ll bet anything he’s making it his personal mission to destroy the Heat at all costs. Hell hath no fury like a determined Kobe.

MLB All Star Game: Everybody Plays!

(BOD - Julie Bowen)

Special thanks to AC for his comment on yesterday’s column which played a role in catalyzing today’s entry. Also, since it’s been so damn hot outside here in the GTA, I’ve decided to embrace my inner curmudgeon for the rest of the week.

In my degradation of the Tour de France for having an “everyone wins” policy, I can’t believe that I was going to let Major League Baseball off the hook for the abomination that has become the All Star Game. It’s quite sad and I’m sure old-timers like Joe DiMaggio and Ted Williams are spinning in their graves at what the Midsummer Classic has become.

Back in the middle of the twentieth century, the All Star Game was a tightly contested affair, played for pride and the chance at bragging rights. Players wanted to kill their opponents and show the supremacy of their league.

Now, it’s little more than a corporate schmooze-fest. I don’t even think the players actually want to be there, save for the guys making their first trip to the game. Speaking of the rosters, they have bloated to such an unconscionable degree that the game becomes a glorified exhibition with managers trying to cram everyone into the game with token at-bats and pitching appearances.

A quick perusal of the rosters shows the following: 15 pitchers on the AL roster and 14 pitchers on the NL roster. Are you shitting me? This is a nine inning game. If a guy can’t be a big boy and throw an entire inning by himself, then he doesn’t belong in the All Star Game in the first place.

I understand you don’t want a guy throwing four or five innings these days; since the majority of pitchers are pussies and couldn’t possibly handle that strain at this point in the season. But you’re telling me that you couldn’t get by with nine pitchers on the roster?

Check out the following names: Heath Bell, Matt Capps, Evan Meek, Arthur Rhodes, Brian Wilson, Trevor Cahill, Neftali Feliz, Matt Thornton and Jose Valverde.

Who are these guys? There all are pitchers names to this year’s All Star Game. Now I consider myself to be a pretty knowledgeable baseball fan, but I have never heard of any of these guys. This is a representation of the best in the game? No one outside of their immediate families gives a shit if these guys are in the game or not.

Not only did Major League Baseball make room for these nobodies in the game, but they idiotically have three Toronto Blue Jays, from an under .500 team, on the roster. If that’s the case, then surely everyone who deserves to be in the game is there, right?

Wrong. Joey Votto, currently in the top 5 of every Triple Crown category, is not on the roster. You have 14 pitchers in this game, but can’t make room for one of the best hitters in the game. That’s a fucking travesty.

The only smart thing MLB did was not allow Stephen Strasburg to attend the game, despite the protestations of legions of morons across North America. Yes, Strasburg has pitched well, but I usually like my All Stars to have not pitched in the minor leagues in the current season.

Yes, he has had some dominating performances, but I want to see a larger body of work. If Strasburg is allowed to be on the roster, then, by that logic, you have to invite Dallas Braden, Armando Galarraga, and that guy who threw a no-no with 18 walks.

There’s already enough crap in the game to begin with.

Will I be watching? Of course. The game is on a Tuesday night. American Idol doesn’t start until January.

The Tour de France is On?

(BOD - Angelina Jolie)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. In the late 1990s and early 2000s, the Tour de France was the ‘cool’ thing to follow on the North American sporting landscape. Of course it had everything to do with Lance Armstrong, an American, winning the most gruelling test of endurance on earth a record seven times in a row.

How typically American is that? We don’t care about sports outside of baseball, football and basketball, unless we are the best in the world. Then we’ll pretend to care about it and push aside our own grandmothers trying to board the bandwagon.

But much like one of the hellish hors categorie climbs that separate the men from the boys every year during the Tour, once you make it to the top of the of the mountain, the fall back down to earth can be extraordinarily quick.

Armstrong retired and doping scandal upon doping scandal plagued the event so much that the general public just assumed every rider was using performance-enhancing drugs; and, if that was the case, what is the point of caring about who wins or who loses if every competitor is chemically enhanced.

The organizers of the Tour might as well let them ride motorcycles around France instead.

Armstrong’s return to the tour last year piqued some cursory interest in the event (including yours truly), but his quest for an eighth title fell short and everyone ignored cycling for another year.

I literally had no idea the race was on until I read the sports section this morning. I found out that a Canadian finished fourth in yesterday’s stage (sweet!), but what I saw next completely undermined the integrity of the event.

Apparently, the Canadian, Ryder Hesjedal, was honoured as the most aggressive rider in the stage and he gets to wear a red number during today’s stage.

What?

The Tour de France already gives out accolades (i.e. different coloured jerseys) for the race leader, stage winner, sprinter, young star, and mountain climber. Now you get praise as the most aggressive rider of the day?

At this rate, everyone in the race will get a jersey for something. This is supposed to be one of then top sporting events in the world, not Grade 8 track and field day at public school. Who won the race? That’s all I care about. There are winners and losers in life. Stop trying to make everyone feel better by giving them something to celebrate.

Enough with the participant ribbons for just showing up and giving your best effort. That’s loser talk. And it’s also the reason why I will never again watch the Tour de France. Hesjedal should be embarrassed by the accolade. That’s like me being giving the best effort award for giving up 9 runs in a game because I tried my hardest.

It’s ridiculous and it’s why society is soft these days.

I feel like Andy Rooney.

The Bachelorette: Jake and Vienna Redux

(BOD - Jessie Farrell)

Today’s Bachelorette recap will be a little different from my usual fare. I was unable to watch the show live last night, so there will be no minute by minute recap. Instead, I will just give my stream-of-consciousness thoughts on each episodic segment since I’m hurriedly trying to watch the recorded version of the show way too early this morning.


However, the reason I missed such a great episode was more than worth it. I pitched last night and I was right in the middle of a bench clearing brawl. We were just crushing our opponents 11-1 and one of their players decided to run our catcher on a close call at home plate (which is illegal in our league).

My catcher rightfully took umbrage to such a classless move and shoved the guy hard in the chest. They started jostling as one gutless coward on the other team came flying off the bench and blindsided my catcher. They fell to the ground in a heap.

I flung my glove into the air like an NHL enforcer circling his prey, raced to the plate, and unleashed a glorious sucker punch to the gutless coward’s cheek. I was then tackled and all hell broke loose. Order was eventually restored and we ended up pumping those jackasses 16-3.

Stupidly, I neglected to follow Crash Davis’ advice, and I hit the guy with my pitching hand. It’s a little sore right now. Truthfully, I’m just glad I got out of there with my face unblemished. Their team definitely saw the sucker punch and were not happy that I remained in the game.

I have a feeling the brawl will bring our team closer together and be the catalyst for stellar play in the second half of the season. Needless to say, I had a fun night.

Onto the recap:

Roberto and Ali’s Date

- “Come be the king of my castle” – Jesus, Ali, can you be any more transparent that you want to bang the Latin Lothario? Why not just send him an “I’m DTF” text message.

- I would love to do this photo shoot; although I’d make sure Ali wasn’t in any of the pictures. I wouldn’t want her messing up my shots.

- Dancing in the streets? My God, the guy is smooth. Watching Roberto is like a How-To guide of properly seducing women

- They’re sitting at the back of the trolley. Apparently, Rosa Park’s reach can be felt all around the world.

- I loved seeing Ali refer to the structure as her ‘castle’ and then see Roberto subsequently ‘storm’ it.

- Ali can’t cook? Dealbreaker. She better be a wizard with a vacuum cleaner.

- It’s so obvious that Ali doesn’t think she’s good enough for Roberto. I’m almost beginning to think that’s true. I don’t think anyone is. However, I don’t think he can be considered the favourite any longer. Ali has way too much trepidation with him.

Ty and Frank’s Two on One

- They’re going on a helicopter ride? How completely original. Where did the producers come up with this one?

- Why do they try to make Ali look smart by repeatedly feeding her those historical tidbits? They are always so awkward and forced. Primarily because she has no idea what she’s talking about.

- Ali wants to get hammered. Fantastic. I see a lamb roast in our future.

- Ty likes traditional gender roles? He is not going to like Ali’s inability to cook. She really needs to step up to her domestic goddess duties and stop all this ‘worker’ talk.

- Ty really wants to say: “Your ambition and goals better revolve around your ability to have dinner ready for me when I get home from the office.”

- Seeing Frank tiptoe around his living at home was excruciatingly awkward. I’m pretty sure as soon as he told he was a ‘screenwriter’ she could have guessed he lived at home.

- Final note on the boring 2 on 1: Ali still looks amazing in yellow.

Kirk and Ali’s Date

- Kirk’s overwrought speech on how much he likes Ali reminded me of Champ Kind: “I miss being near you, I miss being with you, I miss your musk. I miss your scent.”

- How rude is Ali? She has ‘a lot’ on her mind. Who gives a shit? You can pay attention to these guys for a couple of hours a day. You literally have nothing else to do.

- Your date isn’t going well, Ali, because you’re acting like a huge bee-yotch.

- Ok, we get it. You have a lot on your mind. That phrase is approaching ‘I gave up everything to be here’ status for me.

- “I feel like I won’t be good enough one day.” Smooth answer by Kirk telling her not to think that. I would have said the same thing, but would have also added, “Unless you get fat.”

- Jesus Christ. Just what this season needs: more guitars. This is like Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.

Chris and Ali’s Date

- Oh, Chris just got the dreaded ‘friend’ kiss of death label. He has a lot of work today on this date. Hopefully, Ali doesn’t have ‘a lot on her mind.’

- This mo-ped scene is fantastic. They look exactly like Harry and Lloyd in Dumb and Dumber. I hope she pees on him.

- Could the producers have made Chris look anymore like a pussy by showing Ali getting into the literal and figurative driver’s seat?

- “A winery is a perfect place to let loose and explore our relationship” – So, she’s going to have sex with Chris on a decanter?

- Their body language doesn’t look too good here. I don’t think they’ve kissed yet.

- This is BORING!!!

- Nice move on bringing her a present. Chris just may have booked himself a hometown date.

Rose Ceremony

- I literally have no idea who’s going home.

- “I knew it was going to be hard, I just didn’t know it was going to be this hard.” – That’s what she said. That was the most entertaining part of the episode thus far.

- Does Chris not own a suit? He always dresses like a catering waiter.

- It‘s a good thing Harrison told us this was the final rose or I would have had no idea.

- I guarantee Ty is going home because Ali wants a ‘career’. Is reality TV star really a career?

- Why are they having this conversation in the rain? They couldn’t have done it indoors? I’d pull down her dress in final act of defiance.

- If Ali wants to be an actress, which I’m sure does, she really needs to work on her sad face. Right now, it just looks like she heard someone fart in an elevator.

Jake and Vienna’s Interview

- This better bring the goods because this episode has been lacklustre thus far

- I forgot how smarmy Jake was. I want to slap that smug smile right off of his face.

- I love how Vienna is trying to hide her inner trashbag whore by wearing a jacket. You’re not fooling anyone, sweetheart.

- After watching Ali for the past few weeks, it just reiterates just how ugly Vienna actually is. I wish I didn’t record the HD feed.

- You have to ask Jake for a kiss because he is a homosexual.

- Is Jake alive right now? He looks like a robot.

- Wow. The zingers are just flying back and forth. I can’t even keep up.

- Is a fake liar the same as a real liar?

- I want to hear “Todd the Gay Guy’s” side of the story.

- Is a poliagraph test the same as a polygraph test?

- If Vienna doesn’t have money or a job exactly how is she getting paid for that elusive ‘marketing job’?

- In Jake’s defence, I would rather update my Twitter feed than spend time with Vienna too.

- Vienna is working in Los Angeles? How convenient. She’s doing work at a charity with cancer patients on a hair product? I don’t think any of those words make sense in the same sentence.

- She is such a child.

- “How can you get sick of someone in the first month?” When you have the personality and looks of a tramp, Vienna.

- Harrison really needs to get a dictionary so he can let both of them know what ‘undermine’ means.

- “We don’t really care about the dog” - That comment by Harrison just killed me. Well done, sir. Give the man credit, he can run a good interview.

- “I don’t think she’s coming back” – Harrison is saving this episode for me. He should have his own talk show.

What did you think of this week’s episode? Who’s right in the Jake/Vienna debacle?

Talkin' with Tewks Live: World Cup and Wimbledon

(BOD - Carrie Prejean)

A busy weekend in sports led to a scintillating podcast recorded last night. Some highlights:

- A review of the World Cup quarterfinal matches
- Handicapping the semis
- OSzem's first podcast appearance
- A few geography lessons
- Sports trivia
- Offending a continent
- Some history lessons
- Wimbledon and the greatness of Rafael Nadal
- A tangent on the musculature of Tomas Berdych (CSzem threw me under the bus and pretended to not know what I was talking about during the recording. An hour later he sends me a text apologizing after he googled 'Berdych's quads.' It might be tough to explain that search to the missus).

Talkin' with Tewks Live: World Cup and Wimbledon

Enjoy.