I know what you’re thinking: Tewks, why are you taking time out of your busy schedule of playing Guitar Hero and self-gratifying yourself to write a column so soon after your last masterpiece?
Well dear reader, I only have your best interests at heart. After being subjected to Dwight from Scranton’s flowery, overwrought prose, I figured I could bang out a shallow, poorly researched MLB season preview for your enjoyment.
First off, there are a few caveats. This is an American League only preview; I don’t consider the NL to be a part of Major League Baseball. The only thing you need to know about the National League this year is that Johan Santana is going to go 32-3 with 437 strikeouts and 0.13 ERA.
Second, I am not a fantasy baseball nerd. I don’t know and I don’t care about Moneyball statistics like OPS and VORP. Leave that analysis to the virgins who play in seven fantasy leagues a year and get a hard on for players who walk 100 times a season.
These predictions are based purely on gut instincts and fuelled by three fingers of Glenlivets while my lips caress a long, slender Cuban. Then I might have a cigar (Ba-dum-cha!).
The Red Sox roster is virtually unchanged from the 2007 championship team. Their biggest loss was Doug Mirabelli who is best known as the fat plug who tried to catch Tim Wakefield’s knuckleballs and hit .197 in a good year.
The most important thing to remember in the Red Sox title defense is that Manny Ramirez is in a contract year. Yes, this is the final year of his mammoth $160 million contract; therefore you can guarantee that Manny being Manny will be good for a .380 average with 200 RBIs.
Toronto Blue Jays
After more than a decade of mediocrity, it is time for the Blue Jays to return to their early 1990s prominence; or at least a reasonable facsimile. The Jays haven’t won 90 games since 1993. The closest they came was in 1998 under the guise of Tim Johnson who inspired his players with phony tales of courage from Vietnam. I suppose there is a correlation between risking your life for your country and risking a cuticle throwing a curveball (I’m looking in your direction AJ “I’m the Vince Carter of the Toronto Blue Jays” Burnett).
I’m expecting big things from the Jays’ young pitching staff; each of the starters will win at least 12 games and will be the class of the division. This should be the defining year of JP Ricciardi’s management reign. Only a playoff appearance will ensure his legacy as a successful GM and not as the owner of the largest nose in the free world.
I made my feelings about Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez well known in my first column, so let’s talk about their young, unproven pitching staff instead. The Yankees are entrusting their rotation’s success to Jabba the Hut Chamberlain, Ian Kennedy and Phil Hughes.
Unfortunately, the intense New York spotlight and the pressure of playing in front of 50,000 of the biggest assholes in the world will eat the trio alive.
And with Hank “Forrest Gump” Steinbrenner at the helm, there is no telling how dysfunctional this summer will be in the Big Apple. They’ll make the clubhouse of the 1977 Bronx Zoo Yankees look like a PTA meeting.
They changed their name from Devil Rays to Rays and once drafted Joey Gathright after seeing a YouTube video of him jumping over a car. They run a real tight ship over in Tampa.
The Orioles traded away Erik Bernard, their best pitcher, and Miguel Tejada, their best hitter. The team hasn’t had a winning season since making the playoffs in 1997 and that trend will continue for the foreseeable future.
This just in, hot off the presses: Owner Peter Angelos is still a prick. Maybe someone in the greater Baltimore area can hire Omar from The Wire to bust the proverbial cap in his ass.
Prediction: 61-101
American League Central
Detroit Tigers
The Tigers made the biggest free agent splash of the offseason acquiring both Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis from the Florida Marlins. Look at the first four hitters in the Tigers lineup: Curtis Granderson, Cabrera, Gary Sheffield and Magglio Ordonez. They might have the most fearsome batting order since Lou Gehrig’s central nervous system functioned properly.
Prediction: 98-64
Cleveland Indians
I admit that the Indians have a great team but they are so bland and boring I can’t think of anything interesting to say about them.
I preferred the Indian teams of the early 90s: I’m talking about guys like Jake Taylor, Willy Mays Hayes, Rick Vaughn and the incomparable Roger Dorn.
Prediction: 95-67
Minnesota Twins
The Twins are in the same position as the Orioles, losing their best players in Santana and Torii Hunter. The winning seasons the team experienced earlier this decade will be a distant memory as the Central Division will be a two horse race.
It’s an awful time to be a Minnesota sports fan. The Twins, Timberwolves and Vikings all suck balls. However, the Vikings did incorporate the phrase “Sex Boat” into our daily lexicon. So Minnesotans have that going for them.
Prediction: 77-85
Chicago White Sox
I love watching White Sox highlights, only for the joy of seeing Ozzie Guillen fly off the handle in a profanity-laced, politically incorrect rant. He’s like a Latino Don Cherry crossed with Barack Obama’s preacher.
Prediction: 75-87
Kansas City Royals
The only good things to come out of Kansas City are barbecued spare ribs and George Brett’s pine tar induced tirade at Yankee Stadium.
Prediction: 70-92
American League West
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
All the jokes about the Angels ridiculous team name have been exhausted but I have to hand it to their owner Arte Moreno; he may be the best owner in sports as he drastically cut the price of beer in Angels Stadium. The good karma alone will catapult the Angels into first place.
I suppose I should include some baseball related comments about the Angels. Let me think. Well it’s great to see that Mike Scioscia overcame the radiation poisoning he contracted at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant to become a successful Major League manager.
Prediction: 95-67
Seattle Mariners
The Mariners are led by someone named John McLaren who I have to assume is a more calming influence in the clubhouse than Sweet Lou Piniella.
Seattle’s offence is catalyzed by Ichiro Suzuki, the greatest contact hitter of the millennium. Ichiro is a modern day Ty Cobb only without the asshole personality and virulent racism.
Prediction: 90-72
Oakland Athletics
Billy Beane’s magic touch seems to have finally run its course as the Athletics are in the middle of a rebuilding phase. I think it’s safe to say that Beane’s theories have made him the most polarizing front office executive in the game since Marge Schott said Hitler had a good idea but went a little too far.
Prediction: 77-85
Texas Rangers
The Rangers will follow the same modus operandi they’ve adhered to since the A-Rod years. Their lineup, led by Michael Young, will rip tits and be involved in more 12-10 games than any other team in the league. This means that their pitching will, once again, be shit.
Someone should give the Texas front office the memo that pitching and defense win ball games. The Rangers are analogous to any bimbo with a great body. Sure they get lots of attention from guys in the form of cheap, casual sex (a great offense) but they have nothing to offer in the brains or personality department (great pitching) to foster a meaningful relationship (a playoff appearance).
However, as a red-blooded male, I certainly relish the opportunity to, after a few drinks, watch the odd Rangers game in 37 second spurts.
Prediction: 73-89
Tewks writes a monthly column for Gretzpo's Sports Blog
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