Last Wednesday, I implored my readers to send in questions/comments for me to address. I got a whopping five responses. I must lead the Internet in reader apathy.
But, I’m going to answer the questions that were sent in because they were quite good. Also, I’m taking Monday off because it is Family Day up here in the Great White North. How am I celebrating? By going to Hooters for dinner.
Q: I'm disappointed to read that you have nothing to write about after an introduction to what I am willing to deem the most unknown and underrated board game in existence: crokinole. It combines great skill, strategy, camaraderie and excitement into an explosive and hilarious half hour within a squared circle of friends. Nothing to write about? For shame.
AC
A: AC is completely correct in his claim. We both attended the same party at the end of January and took part in the featured game of crokinole. We ended up being crowned crokinole champions. It’s basically a shuffleboard/curling mix played on a table top.
This is what my life as a party animal has succumbed to. In my younger days, parties would involve various drinking games, nudity and the loss of innocence. Now, I go to ‘functions’ to play board games and eat off of fancy cheese platters.
Q: The Hamilton Spectator recently ran this article about competitive cheerleading and the Olympics. Do you believe that competitive cheerleading belongs in the Olympics? Would love to hear your opinion and comments on the article.
Those Who Can’t Do . . . Coach
A: My short answer: No. Competitive cheerleading does not belong in the Olympics. I am not disputing the skill, strength and athleticism needed to pursue such an endeavour, but the Summer Olympic roster is bloated enough as it is. I don’t think trampoline or modern pentathlon should be contested at the Olympics either.
However, I do consider competitive cheerleading to be a sport, as it’s markedly different from the pom pom variety (also, because I know who posted this question and I’m slightly scared of her).
To me, competitive cheerleading seems like a watered-down version of gymnastics. Leave the Olympics to the gymnasts and have competitive cheerleading be a place where retired gymnastic practitioners can continue to pursue athletics.
There must be a reason why the guy in the article left gymnastics to pursue cheerleading. My guess is cheering is easier on the body than gymnastics. Therefore, why should it be on the Olympic program as an ‘simpler’ version of gymnastics?
To say cheerleading should be in the Olympics is analogous to me saying Crossfit should be in there as well. It just doesn’t make sense. You don’t need Olympic aspirations to legitimize your sport of choice.
Q: I have a partially torn supraspinatus muscle (of rotator cuff fame) in my left shoulder. I'm not sure how long it's going to take to heal, but there's a good chance that I won't be strong enough to take the mound this season. My dear Tewks - in the face of such a devastating setback in my quest for greatness, what do I have left to live for? Inspire me.
Thy Drunken Rookie
A: I didn’t know it was possible to tear a rotator cuff muscle when your hardest pitch tops out at 43 miles per hour?
TDR, I know how much you love the game, but let’s be honest: your lackadaisical attitude towards hard work and lifting weights were your biggest detriments on your ‘quest for greatness’. NOT a torn muscle.
I’d suggest play another position, but we both know that’s not an option as, like me, you are doomed to only possess one baseball tool: the ability to throw.
However, my friend, think about the positives from this setback. Now you don’t have to spend all summer hanging around a ball diamond. You live in the most picturesque locale in Canada. Enjoy the beach babes; remember what I’ve taught you. Play beach volleyball to your heart’s content. Come visit Ontario. There are a myriad of options at your fingertips.
Don’t fret.
Q: Although the uncouthness of this blog highlights how you speak with other men, I am sure you are quite debonair amongst the ladies. If this is the case, I would like to know your thoughts on what an appropriate Valentine’s Day gift is for women. To increase the difficulty, what does a woman get a man for the occasion? (Please refrain from an answer involving the words ‘naked’ or ‘lingerie’). All I have heard this week is women complaining that they don’t know what to get their man.
I would also like to make a request of you to start a weekly post with your thoughts on Survivor (I know you watch it). This season’s ‘Heroes vs. Villains’ is going to be full of cut-throat dealings with the devil, a.k.a. Russell. My favourites: Colby, Boston Rob, Russell. Creepiest couple on Survivor: Jerri and Coach. Excuse me while I vomit. Also, thank god Sugar is gone... what an idiot. I love how Colby wouldn’t even acknowledge her attempts to seduce him. Someone should tell her that following a guy around like a lost puppy won’t make him like you. Silly, silly girl.
Rambo
A: First off, saying I’m debonair with the ladies is like saying Michelangelo was a pretty good painter. It doesn’t begin to do my prowess with the fairer sex justice.
Valentine’s Day gift? Here’s a rudimentary guide for my male readers. If you’ve been dating a special lady for over a year, you need to step it up with a pretty good gift. I’m thinking jewellery or a weekend away to Pennsylvania Dutch Country.
If it’s less than a year, I think a good night out should suffice with maybe a surprise thrown in for good measure. Bonus points if it’s something the girl has wanted to do for a while. Proving you listen to the words that come out of her mouth is uber important. Be ‘thoughtful.’ Chicks eat that stuff up.
I don’t think women should get men anything for Valentine’s Day. Let’s be honest, it’s a woman-driven holiday to begin with. But, there should be some reciprocation. For that I have two words: March 14th. For information on the significance of such a date, check out my column from last Valentine’s Day. I like mine medium rare.
Q: Since you are an avid reality show voyeur, I wonder if you can comment on the show that started it all: Survivor. Can you handicap the heroes and villains version starting next week?
Dwight from Scranton
A: Two Survivor related questions in the past week. I used to be the biggest Survivor fan imaginable. I never missed an episode in the first thirteen seasons. But, somewhere along the way, I lost my drive for the show.
That all changed with the cast list for this year’s Heroes vs. Villains. I will watch Boston Rob in anything. He is the greatest and last night, he did not disappoint.
I love how his entire tribe said they wouldn’t fall for his charms and as soon as he made fire, everyone fawned all over him. I really thought Coach was going to makeout with him.
I’d never seen Coach or Russell before and I must say I am thoroughly impressed. They both make for great entertainment.
Too much happened over the course of the episode to get into here, but I will heed Rambo’s advice and produce a recap every Friday. It’s too good not to.
So, there is a lot to discuss today. This is the first time since I started the blog (this edition at least) that I actually feel like my writing is making an imprint on this crazy platform called the World Wide Web.
For whatever reason, my Bachelor recaps have struck a chord with pregnant women all over North America, evidenced by the hundreds of hits this site has gotten over the last few days. I don’t know if these gals will be sticking around everyday (if not, show your baby daddies the sports stuff) or will just be tuning in for the recaps on Tuesdays, but I appreciate the support.
It will be interesting to see how I handle this newfound notoriety. Will I fold under pressure like Jean Van De Velde at the British Open or rise to the occasion like Tiger Woods every time he has sex with a woman who is not his wife? Place your bets now, as only time will tell.
Not only has Talkin’ with Tewks provided valuable insight on all things Bachelor and a forum for like-minded reality fans to get their fix of Jake and the gals, but we’ve had some serious sports discussion as well.
Yesterday’s question on LeBron versus Ovechkin produced a passionate response among the male portion of my readership.
I’d like to thank ‘John’ for kicking off the discussion in the comments section. Your additions were invaluable to the arguments put forth, and for that I will even link to your blog.
Unfortunately, my internet friend, this is where the pleasantries end.
I’m not sure where to start, so let’s begin with your first comment where you disagree with my assertion that James is better than Ovechkin and you implore that I ‘learn hockey please.’
Full disclosure: the majority of the long-time readers of this blog (myself included) are Canadian. We come out of the womb with little skates on and a stick in our hands. Don’t ever question our knowledge of the game. I’ve forgotten more about hockey than you’ll ever know.
After CSzem jumped in with his own, astute thoughts on the issue, you continued to bash us over the head with Ovechkin stats and fawning appreciation over Washington’s favourite Russian.
It was at this point that I knew something was amiss. I decided to check out your blog. Curious, I clicked on the Sports link.
What do I find? Every single article is about the Caps or Alexander the Great. Really, John? I mean it was obvious that you have a hard-on for the guy based on your comments, but your links show me that you all but jerk off to pictures of Ovie every night before you go to sleep.
Then I noticed that you haven’t updated your site since December 21st, 2009. Does this mean you actually spend your free time trolling the Internet for mentions of Ovechkin and defending his honour if someone doesn’t call him the greatest athlete to ever walk the face of the planet?
You’re a Capitals super fan, which is great, but don’t mask your man love for the guy by entering into an impartial discussion on great athletes. My buddy Teebs thoroughly put you in your place (I couldn’t have said it better myself), so I don’t want to spend a lot of time debunking your claims.
However, Johnny, you did show how woefully uneducated you are on hockey history with your quote that Maurice Richard was just a ‘skills player.’ Tsk, tsk, Johnny.
Richard was the greatest goal scorer of his time (first to get 50 in 50), but he also was one of the toughest guys in the league. He was his own enforcer. Richard didn’t need someone to fight his battles for him. He cleaned up his own mess.
If you were from Canada, you would know this. Why? From my second favourite Heritage Minutes commercial (the first being the one about Superintendent Sam Steele).
Watch this video. You will see that The Rocket, in one day, moved furniture with a bum shoulder, got in a fight, made some hits and got eight points against the Wings.
Could Ovechkin do that? Also, Richard would take Ovie out to the woodshed if he ever saw Ovechkin’s insufferable goal celebrations. Act like you’ve scored before.
Case dismissed.
Before I get started, I want to give a big thanks to Carissa and Mrs. CSzem for initiating the grassroots campaign of increasing Talkin’ with Tewks readership. Since Carissa is from the US, I am appointing her Director of Marketing, North America (it’s a volunteer position).
Excellent work by Mrs. CSzem for pimping my Bachelor recaps to a pregnancy website. I had no idea such a thing existed, but I cannot think of a more passionate group of fans of trashy television than a group of women all jacked up on pregnancy hormones. Welcome, ladies. Feel free to chime in at any time. It will be nice to have some estrogen on this blog that isn’t provided by myself or CSzem.
There were two stories on Pardon the Interruption last night that I feel compelled to discuss. The first was a toss up question. Who is better: LeBron James or Alexander Ovechkin?
Truthfully, I think the mere comparison between Ovie and Bron Bron is an insult to King James. They are both great players yes, but there is a marked difference between the two.
Ovechkin is, without a doubt, one of the best players of his generation. But, there have been legions of prolific goal scorers with his skill set throughout the history of the National Hockey League. Ovie is just the latest incarnation.
On the other hand, LeBron is a transcendent talent. His skill set has never been seen before in the annals of professional basketball. There has never been a player with James’ size, strength, speed, shooting ability, passing ability or ability to make his teammates better.
Yes, there have been players who possess one or two such attributes, but no one has approached the complete package that is LeBron James. He literally has no ceiling. There is no way to tell how good he will be. Scary thought: LeBron hasn’t even entered his prime yet. He could average a triple double for an entire season and I wouldn’t bat an eyelash.
Ovechkin or LeBron? It’s not even a question.
The second story that drew my ire was the decision by the New Orleans Police Department to arrest any woman who flashed her breasts during the Saints victory parade. Their reason: the event was supposed to televised nationally, so broadcasters were wary of young eyes being exposed to such earthly delights.
What a horrible knee-jerk reaction. Look, in New Orleans it is perfectly acceptable to exchange a boob flash for beads. It’s the best thing about the city. And these morons want to take that away from us because kids, who can access thousands of hours of porn on the Internet, might be watching?
Where are we? Afghanistan?
Here’s an idea. Don’t televise the event in the first place. Or keep your cameras away from, uh, chestally blessed young women. But, do not take the parade patrons right to look at naked breasts away.
I spend hours each day trying to give women shoelaces for a chance to look at their orbs and all I get are slaps to the face and restraining orders. The lax breast flash policy in New Orleans is what keeps me going on cold, winter nights.
Don’t take that away from me.
Did you really think I’d let a Monday night go by without a Bachelor recap?
8:01 – Hometown date week is always fantastic. It’s guaranteed that there will be at least one crazy family that completely destroys one of the girl’s chances.
8:03 – Why was Gia surprised when Jake stepped out of the SUV? Who else was she expecting? Chris Harrison.
8:04 – Gia has sneaky big knockers. Good for her. I’d pay twenty bucks for a wet t-shirt contest right now.
8:06 – Why is Jake nervous to meet her parents? The guy’s 30 going on 12.
8:09 – Gia’s family looks like an episode of The Sopranos. Her mom’s voice is BRUTAL. I hate the New Yawk accent.
8:11 – Gia’s mother is the definition of rough around the edges. I’m thinking a penis might be poking around downstairs. Why is she pulling Jake away for a grill session already? Let the guy have a piece of bread and look at the menu first.
8:12 – Gia’s stepbrother’s hair looks like a porcupine. Nice glasses, nerd.
8:15 – The brother needs to cool it with the tough guy act. His gay little half beard isn’t scaring anyone. Before he starts threatening Jake, he may want to get his bodyweight over 150 pounds.
8:16 – Nice ponytail on her stepfather. I can’t believe I almost missed it. He looks like a magician.
8:21 – Ali looks like Claire from Modern Family. That is definitely a good thing.
8:22 – Jake’s relationship with Ali is getting “really strong.” So is the tightness in my pants whenever she’s on the screen.
8:25 – I love how Jake furrows his brow when he pretends to listen to one of these girls. He is completely tuning out this dead grandmother conversation. This is kind of weird.
8:27 – They should be flipping this house; not keeping it as a shrine to a dead lady. That baby could pull 300 large easy.
8:35 – I like Ali’s mom too. She seems sweet and genuine. How can he not pick her?
8:37 – This is the second mother in a row who has mentioned intuition. I thought that was just a myth? You know, like the clitoris.
8:39 – Ali is head over heels in love this guy. He doesn’t deserve her.
8:44 – Why do they always run towards each other? It looks so gay.
8:46 – Tenley wants Jake to take charge and be a dominating presence. Awesome. I’ll bet she likes playing the submissive in the bedroom as well.
8:47 – If this dance doesn’t involve a pole, I’m going to make myself a sandwich.
8:48 – Oh dear Christ.
8:58 – My God, Tenley’s family is like a Hallmark card. They seem almost too perfect. There’s more to this ex-husband story than what we know. Something’s amiss.
9:00 – What was that reaction by Tenley’s sister? Is she retarded? They’re certainly keeping that camera away from her.
9:02 – Jake would fit perfectly with this family. All they’d have to every day is smile and cry happily.
9:09 – “You know how to drive a boat, right?” The look of venom Jake shot Vienna after she asked that question was the first time he has shown real anger all season. He almost made up for all his previous blubbering.
9:12 – Wow, Vienna has some major daddy issues. I am officially creeped out.
9:13 – You expect her to be treated like a princess? Run, Jake, run.
9:15 – If Vienna has had a hard time getting along with women in the past how does that not set off alarm bells for Jake? He is a moron.
9:21 – It breaks my heart to see Ali cry.
9:22 – Ah, the old work/love conundrum. Since I don’t have a job, my decision is always made for me.
9:23 – How is Jake even wavering in giving Ali an answer? Just propose to her and end this show already.
9:25 – Yikes. Come on, Ali. I could have done without the histrionics. I am percentage points less attracted to her right now.
9:30 – If the producers had a sense of humour, they would be playing ABBA’s “Take a Chance on Me” in the background right now.
9:37 – Ali’s not staying. You can tell by her body language. And the fact she looks like she’s about to puke.
9:41 – I like how she’s trying to get Jake to say he’s going to pick her in the end. To his credit, Jake has a pretty mean poker face. He’s not falling for Ali’s trap.
9:43 – Chris Harrison with the cock block!! He’s really earning his paycheque tonight.
9:46 – Dare I say this is legitimately emotional television. My cold heart has grown three sizes tonight.
9:49 – Pull yourself together, Jake. You still have two hot broads and one cross-eyed freak vying for your affection.
9:53 – Ali makes a telephone comeback? This show certainly knows how to keep my attention.
Before I climb aboard the bitter bus and unleash my cutting, cynical observations from last night’s Super Bowl, let me congratulate the New Orleans Saints for their hard-fought victory over the Indianapolis Colts.
I’m happy God decided to allow the Saints to win a football game as a peace offering for Hurricane Katrina. I’m sure the thousands of people still displaced from their original neighbourhoods were ecstatic for the Super Bowl win. At least that’s what the mainstream media wants us to believe.
I watched the game at a party of 25 people, three of whom (myself included) were actually football fans. Tewks, why would you subject yourself to such a football-deficient atmosphere?
Well, the party was extremely well-run and the food was beyond terrific. The quality of the eats at a party cannot be underestimated enough. That is always the deciding factor when I choose to attend the myriad of parties I’m invited to every weekend (I’m like Paris Hilton).
And I don’t even mind if non-football fans are in attendance as long as two conditions are met:
1. The premium seats are reserved for the people who actually have a vested interest in the game.
Unfortunately, this clause was broken as four idiots who knew nothing about the game commandeered the couch in front of the TV. I was stuck in an uncomfortable plastic chair for four hours. My ass was sorer than Andy Dufrene’s after his time with the Sisters in The Shawshank Redemption.
2. Stupid football questions are kept to a minimum.
Strike two. I don’t care if people are curious about the game action and want further insight on why penalties were called or why one team is running the ball so much. But, I cannot stand questions like “What does fourth down mean?” or “Different players play on offence and defence?”
What’s more, these questions were asked by a full-blown lesbian. Like a real manly looking one. I guarantee she could have beaten me in an arm wrestle. I almost said, “Nice to meet you, fella” when we were first introduced. Shouldn’t she know such football basics? However, her girlfriend was pretty hot, so I have to respect her game.
Another guy had the audacity to ask, with a straight face, “Who is Peyton Manning?” Are you fucking serious? Why would you even go to a Super Bowl party if you didn’t know the answer to that question? His testicles should have been removed on the spot.
Both offences played very well, but New Orleans just had a better red zone attack. Manning had a great game, 31-45 for 333 yards, but I don’t understand why the Colts abandoned any semblance of a deep passing attack. Their touchdown was the only long distance completion they made the entire game. By sticking to short passes, Indy made it easy on the Saints defence.
Drew Brees solidified his position as a great quarterback. He kept his composure after New Orleans was down 10-0 and brought home the first Super Bowl championship in Saints history.
The onside kick in the third quarter will go down as the pivotal moment of the 2009 season. I admire such ballsy decision-making. It was a risky play, but the ensuing momentum shift was more than enough to propel the Saints to victory.
The Colts were too conservative and that ultimately led to their downfall.
Final playoff record: 6-5
For not knowing what I’m talking about, I’d say that’s pretty good.
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