(BOD - The Fox)
Today’s column fits in nicely with the themes of the previous two days. Some might say that’s due to my high-level thinking and supreme ability to craft relevant, knowledgeable posts each and every week in an overarching goal of journalistic greatness. Or it’s akin to pulling a rabbit out a hat (or a gerbil out of Richard Gere’s ass).
The NFL season kicked off last night in a rematch of last year’s NFC Championship game, pitting the New Orleans Saints against the Minnesota Vikings and their peerless quarterback, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre. This is real football, ladies and gentleman; not CIS, my quarterback can only throw the ball 25 yards with a spiral and my running back runs the 40 yard dash in 6 flat, crap.
Speaking of Favre, Papa Tewks nearly sprained an ankle jumping on number four’s bandwagon. Papa Tewks was so happy that his boyfriend was back in his life, he looked like a five year old kid on Christmas morning. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if he slept with a Favre jersey underneath his pillow.
Begrudgingly, I decided to tune in. The first thing I noticed is that the game was being shown on the NFL Network. Much like Sportsnet One, the NFL Network is only available in a small percentage of homes in the United States, which means millions of fans were unable to watch the kickoff to the 2010 NFL season.
Second, I went channel surfing for the game around 8:30pm, figuring I would join the game in progress about halfway through the first quarter.
Nope.
Instead, I was forced to watch Bob Costas throw to a Matthew Good concert (are they still relevant?). Then, I watched Harry Connick Jr. lead some type of parade float up and down the field while a marching band played. It was all very surreal, but, unfortunately, THERE WAS NO FOOTBALL TO WATCH!!
Why do all sports leagues insist on starting games after 9pm on weekday nights on the East Coast? Yes, I know it’s all about the pursuit of the All Mighty Dollar and a bunch of other greedy bullshit. And I know that the head honchos at the league offices that think a 9pm start will ensure both East and West Coast audiences will be at their most robust.
But I guarantee that the East Coast numbers drop off precipitously after halftime. Why not start the game at the 8, which means that if you want to watch the entire game, you can still be asleep by 11:30 and not be a zombie at work the next morning.
I didn’t even make it to the end of the first quarter as my beauty rest beckoned. Yes, I sound like an angry, old curmudgeon. And this is at the age of 25. I can’t wait to see what happens when I’m actually old. I’m going to make Andy Rooney look like Mr. Rogers.
What happened in the game? Brett Favre threw an interception and the Vikings lost. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad game after all.
(BOD - Samantha Fox)
The details surrounding the doping allegations of the University of Waterloo football team continue to get more sordid and, luckily for us, more interesting. Back in March, nine members of the team tested positive for banned substances. The case sent shockwaves throughout the CIS as everyone was so surprised that good Canadian boys would stoop to such blatant cheating.
The decision was made to cancel the year for Waterloo’s football team. To me, this seems like a little bit of a knee-jerk reaction. Why punish the rest of the roster for the dumb actions of a select few?
The reason why I’m discussing this issue today is that it was just learned that, in addition to testing positive for high levels of testosterone and anabolic steroids, one of the players actually tested positive for Human Growth Hormone.
What?
Where in the hell does a Canadian University football player get his hands on such a designer wonder drug? More to the point, why in the hell does someone need HGH to play football in the CIS?
Are you shitting me?
The talent level of university football in this country is putrid at best. The best example I can give for the calibre of CIS football is the following: take the two worst NFL Europe teams in league history, get both squads rip-roaring drunk, and them ask them to throw and kick with their wrong hands and feet. That is what it’s like watch two Canadian universities play football against one another.
If I was the player in question, I won’t embarrass him here (truthfully, I don’t want to waste time by looking up his name), my biggest concern wouldn’t be the fact I got caught using HGH, it’s the fact I got caught using it to make Waterloo’s roster in the first place.
Really, pal? I’d maybe rethink the ol’ football career at that point. First off, Waterloo can barely play football; they’re too busy finding solutions to multi-derivative calculus and not getting laid to field a competitive squad. Waterloo football is the hemorrhoid on the butthole of Canadian football.
If you need performance-enhancing drugs, especially one as great as HGH, to make the practice roster on a CIS team, then you should just probably quit sports altogether and focus on your studies.
I would think taking the drugs would put too much undue pressure on me. If I took HGH during my own university career and didn’t throw a no-hitter every start I would probably pull a George Bailey and take a flying leap off the nearest bridge.
Using steroids and drugs of that ilk to play sports at a Canadian university is analogous to bringing a machine gun to a knife fight. It’s just not necessary; unless you really suck. Then you shouldn’t play in the first place.
And now you know.
(BOD - Jennifer Connelly)
Truthfully, I’m surprised I haven’t addressed this issue in a previous column. The Rogers conglomerate, in a fantastic example of short-sightedness, have decided to move the majority of the remaining Blue Jay games for the 2010 season to the their fledgling second channel, Sportsnet One (I’m not a math genius, but I’m fairly certain that ‘1’ comes before ‘2’ in the numeric ladder. I digress).
There are a myriad of problems with this move, none of which have to do with Rogers creating a new sports channel. There’s obviously a market for more sports coverage in this country and we can’t fault Rogers for trying to beat as much money as they can out of the sports cash cow.
TSN did the same thing with TSN 2. However, the difference is that TSN moved niche type sports that no one really cares about to their new channel (e.g. soccer, Nascar, regional NHL games, etc.). They didn’t move their number one sports property to a channel most of the country doesn’t have and don’t want to pay for. Plus, the folks at TSN obviously know how to count sequentially.
The decision to move Jays games to Sportsnet One is nothing more than a money grab, pure and simple. Rogers also completely alienated their fan base by making this move with little to no regard for their customers’ enjoyment.
Yes, I understand that the games are available under a free preview until the end of the season. But not everyone has digital television or can afford the extra cost in a lean economy to purchase the package that will include Sportsnet One. Also, did you know that Rogers is the only cable carrier that is even offering the free preview in the first place?
If you’re not a Rogers customer, you can’t watch Blue Jays baseball even if you have the desire or money to do so. What a giant clusterfuck this entire situation has become.
I understand that they are running a business, but sometimes there are things that are more important than money. Like fostering goodwill among Jays fans who have stuck with this team through shitty season after shitty season. Now, the club is playing some really good baseball, at the precipice of big individual accomplishments, and the majority of the country can’t even watch them live.
It’s a shame.
But you know what’s interesting? I don’t find myself missing the action all that much. And that’s coming from a huge baseball fan, so I can imagine casual fans are thinking the same thing. I can still read about the team, catch the highlights, and watch the odd game on the main net. I don’t need to watch every single game for a 162 game season. And I’m sure I’m not the only one.
That should be a terrifying proposition for Rogers. When the fans leave, so does the money.
Nice move, guys.
(BOD - Maria Kirilenko)
I’ve gone from being the architect of a poorly read blog, to a contributor to a poorly read blog... and now I’m the third stringer on a poorly read blog. Alas, with Tewks on the mound and CSzem undoubtedly tending to some parental duties tonight, you’re stuck with me for a Bachelor Pad recap. I will, however, take this opportunity to take another jab at CSzem’s lack of fortitude. As usual, “A Few Good Men”, and more specifically, PFC William Santiago, provide the context for a brilliant quote:
You’re appalled at my calling you out? This kid broke the chain of sportsmanship and couldn’t come out for a third set, to say nothing of the fact that he’s an athlete and it would appear that he can’t run from baseline to baseline without collapsing from heat exhaustion. What the fuck’s going on over at The
Onto the show...
8:04 pm: “Ew... why did you stick your finger up my nose?” Love that clip. Jesse’s the man. He’s got more action than anyone else in the house and he’s doing it acting like a 4th grader.
8:06 pm: Check out Gwen on Google. She’s 39!!! That’s why you’re an outsider ... you’re like the
Andrea Zuckerman of The Bachelor Pad.
8:10 pm: Does anyone else look into the girl’s briefcases while they pack to see what kind of underwear they wear? Or is it just me? I feel like Frank Ricard ... “Maybe she wears something I’ve never even seen before...”
8:12 pm: And somewhere an entrepreneurial 5th grader is looking to patent that awesome “Spin The Bottle” table...
8:14 pm: Nikki’s upset? Ugly people not fitting in and feeling left out? Now this is reality TV...
8:15 pm: Kovacs can redeem himself by picking someone else to save besides Elizabeth... it will go a long way in saving his manhood...
8:16 pm: Nope... he’s like CSzem. Picking Elizabeth there was tantamount to not coming out for a third set.
Peyton: “I may have screwed myself by not going to the fantasy suite with him.” What a delightful play on words...
8:17 pm: Nikki, Gwen and Ashley all go home. That’s a great lesson for all the young girls out there... get a bad boob job, go topless on a group date and whore yourself out at every opportunity... and you’ll have a 1 in 4 shot at $250K.
8:24 pm: Kovacs went to school at the “University of Pacific?” Sounds made up.
Haven’t you learned anything from the survey Natalie? No man will ever love you ... ever.
8:26 pm: Jesse and Peyton’s awkwardness is now the only reason for me to continue to watch this show.
“What are you picking at that scab with?”
“Drywall screw.”
And the way he said “drywall screw” ... like Peyton is a moron for even questioning why he’d be doing such a thing. Fantastic.
8:30 pm: Natalie likes Dave because he’s a “real man.” I’m pretty sure that’s the same reason Tewks likes him.
8:35 pm: Jesse’s a real team-mate out there – not throwing Peyton under the bus for her putrid balloon catching skills. Either that or he still thinks he can get into Peyton’s pants ... actually, that’s probably it.
8:37 pm : Sidebar ... the key to the water balloon toss is throwing a high, arching throw ... throw it as high as you can and then have your receiver step in if they have to... that’s why David and Natalie won this competition.
“I’m here to help Kovacs win. Not to ruin Kovacs chances of winning.” Thanks for updating us Elizabeth. And Kovacs was clearly lying about his support for Elizabeth... look how pissed off he was after that drop.
8:40 pm: Who would’ve thought that Natalie’s extensive use of handling balls would’ve come in handy during a challenge? Too bad there wasn’t a gas siphoning challenge ... then she’d really shine.
8:49 pm: There’s no way Dave sells out Kovacs. That would be like me selling out Tewks. Wait... I’ve already sold him out before... and it wasn’t even for a large sum of money... I think it was for a Snickers bar.
8:55 pm: “OH MY GOD THEY COULD BE TAKING A ROCKET SHIP!”
Ugh... you’re lucky you’re the hottest girl left in the house, Tenley.
8:57 pm: “I think Elizabeth might be looking for something a little more serious than me right now... but if a girl catches a bad case of the Kovacs ... so be it.”
Okay... a) the reason she thinks you’re looking for something serious is because you have all but professed your love to her. And b) don’t ever refer to your name as some kind of affliction or disease. I once gave a girl a case of “The Gretzpo” ... three weeks of rest and light antibiotics later and she wouldn’t return my calls. What a bitch...
9:13 pm: Some deep, deep comments by Dave there on that one on one about his father. It sounded like a live, spoken word intro to a Springsteen song.
9:16 pm: I have not seen a single episode of “The Event” ... but it’s over-hype is already pissing me off. Ditto for “Chase”.
9:19 pm: I hope Chris Harrison nails them with an infraction on this fantasy suite steal.
9:20 pm: Okay... Kovacs showing me something here... talking like a frat boy in the sack:
“So... do you want to get naked? If you do... that’s cool... whatever. Is that awesome? Or is that...?”
Honestly... it’s almost like “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.”
9:22pm: “I kind of feel like a stupid girl.”
a) You are a stupid girl. Gingko Biloba.
b) I REALLY hope that there was some creative editing there. Otherwise Kovacs and Elizabeth went from “let’s get naked” to “I regret having sex with you” in about 90 seconds.
9:23 pm: There it is! Elizabeth to Kovacs: “I love you!” Maybe he didn’t hear her... maybe he has problems hearing out of his left ear. Or maybe he heard her the first time ... either way... that’s a big mozza ball hanging out there.
9: 27 pm: Okay... this is kind of weird... Dave the next day is wearing the same shirt that Kovacs wore when he slept with Elizabeth the night before. Now... I know they’re bromancing it up here... but that’s ridiculous. First Wes wearing his boxers in the whirlpool and now this... are there no laundry facilities on-site?
9:32 pm: Did anyone else feel that there was an inordinate amount of close-ups of Kiptyn cutting up the chicken? I was half expecting him to slice his finger off...
9:37 pm: Jesse B and Peyton are going home tonight... these shows always try and throw in a wrench to the plans that never comes to fruition.
9:39 pm: Nevermind... this whole “singles” voting has thrown a wrench into my above theory. I have over-used the wrench throwing analogy. It really has thrown a wrench into the flow of this post.
9:43 pm: “This isn’t about friendship, it’s about the game.” Yeah... after you fuck someone out of $250K we’ll see how much longer you’re friends with him.
9:51 pm: And things played out exactly like they were supposed to. Now I have to see Peyton cry.
Next week: Nice little bit of Dancing with The Stars cross promotion ... and Dave gets spun with a homosexual during rehearsal. Somewhere Tewks is smiling.
As always, comments are welcome... please post below.
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