(BOD - Kim Kardashian's Breasts)
I can’t sit here and lie and pretend that I watched Game 4 of the NBA Finals in its entirety. While I lie about many things (my sexual prowess and intelligence), sport is one area where I am completely truthful.
Blame the NBA for starting games past 9pm on the East Coast. How stupid is that? All playoff games for all sports should end by 10pm so the leagues can acquire new, young fans. It’s really too smart of an idea for these corporate morons to accept.
That being said, I was able to watch the first half and then catch up on the second half game story by watching highlights and reading recaps of last night’s tightly contested battle.
Here’s my big takeaway from the Celtic’s single digit victory: I hate everyone on the Boston roster. I swear I’m not letting my man love for Kobe Bryant cloud my judgement, but I found myself openly rooting for rolled ankles to strike everyone in a white and green uniform.
The Celtics have been afflicted with what I call “Chris Bosh Syndrome.” CBS strikes immediately after making a basket. Said player preens and prances around with a sneer on his face trying to look like a tough guy. Alternatively, CBS can cause a player to let fly with a guttural wail reminiscent of Gerard Butler in 300. Once again, this action is supposed to make the player seem tough and an unstoppable offensive force.
Newsflash: it makes you look like a pathetic douchebag. You know what else it does? Proves that you’re not actually that good in the first place if you need to do that after every basket. What does Kobe do after he scores? Nothing, he just gets back on defence. Why? BECAUSE HE SCORES ALL THE TIME!!!
Big Baby Davis was the biggest perpetrator last night. He just looked ridiculous, so much so that he resembled a cartoon character by the end of the game. Big deal, you had one good game. The Lakers will shove it down your throat on Sunday and you’ll fade back into obscurity. Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce do the same shit. You two aren’t tough. They can just talk a big game, but have never shown the cojones to back it up.
Rasheed Wallace drew my ire last night as well. After EVERY foul called against he’d run around in a circle like clucking chicken with his eyes bugged to express his disappointment over the call. Way to be a big boy, Sheed.
However, I do like one Boston player: Rajon Rondo. He has made several spectacular plays throughout the postseason and he just acts like it’s a part of his job. The rest of the team should take notice and cool it with the amateurish histrionics.
It’s disappointing that a Boston team has denigrated themselves like this when the originator of ‘Act like you’ve scored before’ celebrations is the immortal Bobby Orr.
I’m not worried about the Lakers losing last night. Tied 2-2, the series is still on serve in terms of home court advantage. The Lakers have to win two more games and they have two more chances at home with Jack, Sly and Denzel in attendance.
Kobe will be raising his fifth Larry O’Brien trophy in the air next week and cement his status as one of the top 5 players in the history of the game (that’s for CSzem. Watch him do his best Big Baby impression in the comments section).
(BOD - Megan Fox)
Where do I begin to discuss the desultory results from the sports world last night?
Luckily, I wasn’t forced to witness these travesties firsthand as I was otherwise engaged for the majority of the night. I supposed to attend a practice with the minor baseball team I am helping coach, but it was cancelled due to rain.
Instead, it was deemed we would have a ‘coaches meeting’ to discuss the season so far and plan out the rest of summer schedule. This pretty much involved immature behaviour and the consumption of adult beverages at the house of a coach whose wife is away for the week. Needless to say, it was a good time.
However, throughout the meeting, we received periodic updates on both the Jays game and Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals.
It was a matchup of aces as Shaun Marcum squared off against David Price in the second game of their series at Tropicana Field. Price dominated Toronto, with less than stellar stuff, and the Rays hitters lit Marcum up.
In the last two games, the Blue Jays have been outscored 19-1. Apparently, I may have been off on my prediction of a Toronto collapse by a series. I assumed they would get destroyed by the Yankees, but instead they waited until they were outside of the comfy confines of the Rogers Centre to start their late spring swoon.
The Jays are D-U-N. Done. The vaunted offence has gone silent thus far in June and more games against the AL East and the National League will only exacerbate the discrepancy between the Haves in MLB and the Toronto Have-nots.
The Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup last night. I’m happy for the city of Chicago as they won their first Cup since 1961 breaking the NHL’s longest drought (which now belongs to the Toronto Maple Leafs, which brings me great joy).
But that happiness is jaded considerably with the sickening news that Patrick Kane scored the winning goal in overtime. Are you kidding me?
I’m a big believer in karma, so I don’t understand how that little twerp can make such reprehensible decisions last summer and be a Stanley Cup champion a year later. It makes me sick to my stomach.
I’m not going to let Kane enjoy this moment so let’s take a journey down memory lane to see what I’ve said about one of the biggest pussies in professional sports:
Here are my initial thoughts on his cab driver skirmish where he punched an elderly cab driver because the cabbie wouldn’t give him a dollar and twenty cents change. You all really need to read it in its entirety. I’m at my acerbic best. Here’s a quick excerpt (it was so hard to choose one):
But Patrick Kane couldn’t try to start something with someone his own age. First, that would require him to not be a huge pussy, which, evidently, is asking a lot. No, he had to pick on an elderly cab driver. Did he start something with this cab driver one on one?
Of course not. He needed the help of his cousin to choke and punch the poor guy because of a fare dispute. Fighting mano a mano, even against a senior citizen, necessitates at least an ounce of testosterone flowing through one’s veins. Obviously little Patty doesn’t have any of that in his system; if he did, then he would probably be able to grow facial hair and weigh more than 150lbs.
Here’s more Kane bashing (scroll down) and some more (scroll down). Lastly, there’s this (scroll to the end).
And an anecdote to really make this column pop. At the Ontario Senior baseball championships in London last year, I saw Patrick Kane and some of his loser friends try to skip the line at a bar (Kane played junior hockey in London). The bouncers wouldn’t let him in for two reasons. He was way too drunk and he had cocaine residue all over his suit jacket.
There have been rumours of similar behaviour from Kane for months. Patrick Kane – bully, punk, and scrawny, cocaine-fuelled jackass.
A real class act.
(BOD - Marla Hooch. What a hitter!)
Some general housekeeping:
At some point yesterday afternoon, Talkin’ with Tewks received its 10,000th visitor. This is a monumental occasion and a testament to this blog’s popularity (or it’s a testament to how much I can refresh a webpage in a day).
Nevertheless, I feel like I should be standing on an aircraft carrier, in a flight suit, with a giant “Mission Accomplished” banner hanging behind me. Of course, I’m not one to rest on my laurels (that would mean I have laurels in the first place), so I will continue to keep banging out columns at my usual pace.
See you at 20,000.
There were some terrific comments and opinions posted to yesterday’s Bachelorette recap. I agreed with the majority of them, vehemently disagreed with one (Rambo, I’m looking in your direction) and, based on some suggestions, have managed to coerce Mama Tewks to watch the rest of the season with me and make more inappropriate comments.
How about that Stephen Strasburg?
His performance last night in his major league debut was nothing short of incredible. It’s not the stats that impressed me the most, it’s the fact Strasburg was able to surpass the tremendous hype surrounding his debut and completely shatter everyone’s expectations.
How big was his start? I found myself lamenting the fact I couldn’t watch the game live. Has such a sentence ever been written about a game involving the Washington Nationals and the Pittsburgh Pirates?
I am not new to the Strasburg train. Last April, I wrote a column on the kid before he exploded into the public consciousness when he was taken first overall in the 2009 MLB Entry Draft.
Back then, my adoration for the flamethrower was already burgeoning. After last night, it has reached a fever pitch. Strasburg’s stuff is FILTHY. Its one thing to dominate college kids and minor leaguers, but to make major league hitters flinch on curveballs and look plain silly on high fastballs is something maybe a handful of guys can do in the entire league.
Strasburg did this in his first start!
Let’s take a closer look at his line: 7IP, 14Ks, 0BB, 94 pitches.
At first glance, most people are going to be blown away by the gaudy strikeout total, as well they should. Fourteen strikeouts, especially in only seven innings, are extraordinary in any outing, nevermind that it was his big league debut.
Allow me to flex some insider baseball knowledge: I’m much more impressed by the walk total and the pitch count. Most pure strikeout pitchers also walk a lot of batters; the two stats go hand in hand. Nolan Ryan holds both the career strikeout record and the career walk record.
Strasburg was able to strike out a ton of batters, but also possessed pinpoint accuracy. That is a very scary proposition to the rest of the National League.
To strikeout a lot of hitters, a pitcher is going to throw a lot of pitches. It’s virtually impossible to do so otherwise. For example, I have a lot of strikeouts so far this year and I guarantee I’ve thrown over 100 pitches in each outing. It’s hard not to throw a lot of pitches when ringing up Ks.
Strasburg only threw 94 pitches in seven innings. With 14 strikeouts. That type of pitch count with that performance is absolutely unheard of.
He also struck out the last seven batters he faced and threw his last pitch of the night at 98 miles an hour. That means he got stronger as the game went on. He was only pulled from the game because he was on a strict pitch count.
Can you imagine if he has a similar performance a year from now, not shackled by a pitch count? Next June, the Nationals will probably let him stretch out to 120, 125 pitches if the outing doesn’t have any high stress innings (i.e. runners in scoring position).
You’re looking at possibly 19 or 20 strikeouts. Strasburg officially has no ceiling. He once struck out 23 in a college game. Could he do that in the Show?
After what I saw last night, I’m not betting against him.
(BOD - Katy Perry)
Before we begin today’s recap, let’s all have a moment of silence for Craig M’s hair.
There we go. It will be missed.
8:02 – Roberto would have my first choice for a one on one date as well. If, you know, I was a woman.
8:04 – Ali has mentioned on more than one occasion that she’s terrified of flying. Why do the producers keep forcing her into the air?
8:05 – The helicopter scene reminds me so much of Anchorman. Roberto’s voice is so smooth it could make a wolverine purr.
8:06 – “I’m at a deficit” - Justin talking about his cast and how it affects his gameplay. I’m fairly certain the word he was looking for is “disadvantage.” I swear all Canadians aren’t that stupid.
8:08 – Great move by Roberto going for the first kiss on the high wire. The guy is on a different playing field compared to these other stiffs. He has tremendous game. My mancrush is approaching dangerously high levels.
8:13 – Did Kasey just say he wanted Ali to hear his singing voice? Really? That’s what you want to emphasize there, big guy? The less talking you do, the better.
8:14 – Roberto speaks different languages and he’s travelled the world? He’s too perfect. CSzem’s right, he has a girlfriend.
8:15 – “I don’t like being stiff at a table.” Neither do I, Ali. I prefer being stiff on my back.
8:17 – “Skank!” Mama Tewks first contribution of the night, while Ali and Roberto were making out on the blanket. Good to have her here.
8:24 – Craig R’s friends are going to be jealous of him for being in a music video? Does he have any friends who aren’t teenagers?
8:25 – Why is no one asking Ali to slow dance to this Barenaked Ladies “hit” song? That would be an automatic move for me and Roberto. Why am I not on this show again?
8:27 – The Weatherman is nervous to kiss Ali? What is wrong with this guy? I’m getting a real strong virgin vibe from him.
8:30 – I just said Ali looked great in that yellow bikini. Mama Tewks reply: “Oh, she’s sucking it in.” She’s in rare form tonight.
8:33 – The Weatherman IS PATHETIC!! Why is he still here? Bring Craig M back.
8:34 – “It was all wrong.” Ali just summed up the Weatherman’s entire sorry sexual career here in one second.
8:34 – He’s crying? Oh my dear Christ. I’m sorry, there is no way any woman on Earth would be attracted to the Weatherman. What a joke.
8:36 – If I was in Kirk’s scene, Little Tewks would have gotten some screen time, that’s for damn sure.
8:43 – After Chris L mentioned that his mom passed away, Mama Tewks remarked, “Oh, no mother-in-law issues.” Now you all know where I get it from.
8:44 – The following verdict has been reached in the Tewks household: The Weatherman is a homosexual. The evidence is piling up.
8:46 – Mama Tewks on Hunter: “Big ears, funny mouth.” I may just get her to write the recap next week.
8:56 – I like this move by Justin to go visit Ali at her house. She has to appreciate the Bataan Death March he’s willing to embark on for her. That is an impressive feat; I have to give the guy credit.
8:59 – Nice move on bringing the baby photos out too. Justin is rapidly climbing the charts and he’s wooing Ali big time with all of this family talk. He’s really redeeming himself for the Great White North with this performance.
9:07 – Ali’s putting on the apron and cooking for her date with Hunter? Now we’re talking. Enough with the modern approach, let’s get back to traditional gender roles.
9:10 – Hunter is legitimately ugly. And stop calling Ali baby and darling, you creepy little pervert.
9:11 – Ali has zero physical attraction to this chump. My only question is how has he made it this far?
9:17 – Justin is a fantastic actor. I call bullshit on his quitting professional wrestling to be with Ali. He would leave her in a heartbeat if Vince McMahon offered him a tag team partnership with Doink the Clown.
9:28 – “What a bunch of women.” I think Mama Tewks perfectly encapsulated the bachelors on this season.
9:31 – Yeah, Steve, nice move. Make Ali sit on hard concrete in a dress. I’m sure she’ll love that.
9:32 – Watching Steve struggle with the champagne bottle is like watching a 17 year old kid unhook a bra.
9:38 – Ok, Ali is just trying to cause shit by telling Roberto that Justin went to her house. Why would Justin tell the other guys? That’s a stupid move on her part.
9:42 – These guys are just jealous they weren’t clever enough to think to go to Ali’s house to see her. I’m somewhat surprised that Justin actually has some real human emotion. He’s a little more layered than I initially thought.
9:48 – “If she picks four-eyes, I’m done.” Mama Tewks on Frank.
9:50 – I would love to tell you all what Mama Tewks said when Frank and the Weatherman got a rose, but if I clean it up, its not really a sentence.
9:55 – That footage of Kasey singing will haunt my dreams.
What did you think of tonight’s episode? Post thoughts to comments.
(BOD - Jennifer Lopez)
It's a recurring theme on this blog, but let me mention it again: I hate technology. CSzem and I recorded a great Blue Jays-related podcast this morning and when I went to listen to it back, CSzem's audio was nowhere to be found.
I could hear him perfectly throughout the recording, but it apparently disappeared into cyberspace immediately after we finished talking. It's a real shame too because this might have been the first time when he's actually made worthwhile contributions to this space.
I can't even contact CSzem to try to record our thoughts because there's a very real possibility that Baby CSzem will be entering the world at some point today. If that's the case, best of luck to the Family Szem.
In an effort to give you your first Tewks fix of the week, I managed to cobble together bits of my audio into a stream of consciousness rant about the 2010 Toronto Blue Jays.
Talkin' with Tewks Live - The Jays (One Man's Opinion)
Enjoy.
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