I've discussed the Colts and Saints ad nauseum throughout the NFL postseason, so there's no point going down that road again. I have picked Indy to win every game they've played in the playoffs and I don't plan on changing my mind.
If God really wanted New Orleans to win, then he wouldn't have sent the gnarly waves of Katrina rushing down Bourbon Street. Therefore, the Colts are the pick. Currently, my record is 6-4, so regardless of what happens on Sunday I finish the postseason with a winning record. I love being a football genius.
A short column today because my house is currently going through massive bedroom and bathroom renovations, which means my services are needed to lift obscenely heavy shit.
Here are four lightning fast commentaries on stories currently making the news in the entertainment world. I was asked to write these up by people way more important than any of my regular readers (No offense).
Story #1 – Jersey Shore
My prayers for trashy television have been answered with the news that the MTV hit, Jersey Shore, has been renewed for a second season. Some people have deemed the show offensive and insulting to Italians. On the other hand, I think it’s a blueprint for how a well-adjusted society should operate.
For example, instead of saying that I slept with a girl, it’s more gentlemanly to say that I ‘smushed’ her. Also, French philosophers have nothing on Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino. The Situation refers to his impressively defined abs. But, he also calls himself The Situation. I think he’s a Situation within a Situation. Therefore, he gets involved in situations where The Situation plays a role in getting The Situation into the situation in the first place. Make sense?
Anyway, I know I’m looking forward to the premiere episode of season two.
Story #2 – Grammy Awards
All the single ladies, put your hands up! Beyonce set a Grammy Awards record for wins by a female with six trophies, including song of the year for the infectiously catchy ‘Single Ladies.’ She also looked fantastic performing the hit ‘If I Were a Boy’ in heels and dangerously tight short shorts. Never have I been more willing to hear a woman yell at me for not listening or paying enough attention to her.
However, Beyonce was denied the evening’s top honour, Album of the Year, which went to Taylor Swift for her smash hit, Fearless. At the tender age of 20, Swift continued her assault on music history by becoming the youngest recipient of the industry’s top prize. Obviously, it’s Taylor’s world and we’re all just living in it.
Story #3 – ‘Valentine’s Day’
Romantic comedy fans rejoice! Valentine’s Day is coming to a theatre near you. Opening February 12th, Valentine’s Day features an ensemble cast chock full of Hollywood heavyweights: Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Bradley Cooper and Patrick Dempsey to name just a few. The plot follows interconnected couples and singles who break-up and make-up based on the pressures and expectations of Valentine’s Day.
How this movie is any different from last year’s ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ is not entirely clear, but you can be sure that thousands of women will drag their boyfriends, kicking and screaming, to go see this one. Who am I kidding? I love romantic comedies. I’ll be there opening weekend.
Story #4 – Rip Torn
Rip Torn, of Men in Black fame, has apparently thrown his hat into the ring for the title of World’s Drunkest Celebrity. Torn has been charged with a litany of criminal offenses. What did he do? He was found drunk in a bank with a loaded weapon. Why? He was so wasted that he thought the bank was his home. I can’t make this stuff up. Torn even placed his boots and hat inside the bank’s front door.
Court documents determined that his blood alcohol content was 0.203, which translates to enough alcohol to bring down a rhino. He was released on a $100,000 bond and his attorney says that Torn will head back to rehab. I would think so.
Have a great weekend and enjoy the game.
The PGA Tour is in big trouble. Does the general populace really care about anyone else in khaki pants and a polo shirt besides the right and honourable Mr. Woods?
The PGA season is just over a month old and I had no idea. If Tiger’s not involved, I’m not tuning in. And from the abysmal television ratings and lacklustre sponsorship deals, no one else in North American gives a shit either.
How starved is the PGA Tour to make waves in the mainstream media?
The biggest story the golfing world could muster is an accusation by Scott McCarron that Phil Mickelson is using an illegal wedge. Wow, stop the presses. Forget about Haiti, the media now has Wedge-Gate to sink their teeth into.
Seriously? This is the best the PGA Tour could do.
The NBA has teammates squaring off against each other, guns drawn, in an Old West duel over gambling debts and the PGA has two golfers arguing over the grooved face of a golf club. I know golf isn’t the most exciting thing in the world, but come on, give us something a little meatier to chew on (that’s what she said).
Let me run down this issue, so all the mind-numbingly, boring details can be digested by all of you bursting with curiosity at such an earth-shaking story.
Apparently, Phil Mickelson is using a 1989 Ping Eye2 wedge that has square grooves. According to the United States Golf Association, square grooves are illegal and not to be used in PGA tournaments. But, as a result of a loophole from a legal settlement 20 years ago, the Ping Eye2 wedges are still allowed under some unusual grandfather clause.
This got Scott McCarron’s panties in a twist (who the fuck is Scott McCarron anyway?) and he accused ‘Phil the Thrill’ Mickelson of being a cheater. Full disclosure, I am a terrible golfer so I have no idea what benefit square grooves have. Honestly, I could play just as well with a tire iron.
I guess it’s somewhat shady that Mickelson is taking advantage of a legal loophole, but I would hardly consider the use of the wedge cheating. McCarron just needs to calm down and fade back into obscurity.
What I don’t understand is why Mickelson would want to use the club in the first place. The advances in golf club technology over the past two decades have been extraordinary. I would think that any contemporary wedge would be one hundred times better than a square-grooved club from 1989.
Anyway, McCarron has apologized; Mickelson has accepted the apology and decided not to use the club anymore. So, crisis averted. Thank God.
I just can’t wait for Woods to make his return at the Masters. It’s going to be an epic event. Then the world of golf will have something interesting to talk about.
I just don’t have it today, folks. A wave of melancholy has struck deep into the pit of my creativity and left me grasping for a column topic. I literally have nothing to say right now. What am I supposed to write about?
The Leafs?
Yeah, they won 3-0. Big deal. Now, we have to spend the rest of the day listening to their moronic fan base plan a Stanley Cup parade because they caught the Devils on an off night. Did you hear the Air Canada Centre crowd chant Phaneuf’s name because he got into a fight? Really? You want to pay $6.5 million to an enforcer? Let’s hold off on comparisons to Doug Gilmour and Wendell Clark and wait for Dion to, you know, get a point.
I actually read one columnist who said that the Phaneuf acquisition will be a boon to Phil Kessel because it will take the pressure off of the jittery American. What a ridiculous line of logic. To hear the GTA talk about him, I’m expecting Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment to retire Phaneuf’s jersey at the next home game.
The Raptors?
I spent last Friday writing a gushing ode to the Raptors about how they’ve turned a corner and look to be Toronto’s only shot of having team make the postseason. What do the Raptors do? Completely undermine my credibility and lose to the lowly Indiana Pacers last night.
Not only did they lose, but they gave up 130 points to a team that is sixteen games under .500. Sure, Chris Bosh and Andrea Bargnani combined for 69 points, but we have always known that Toronto can score points. Defence is where this team falls woefully short. And, I’m sorry, but playoff calibre teams do not give up 130 points to the Indiana Pacers.
Entertainment or Pop Culture?
After yesterday’s opus on The Bachelor, the fleeting remnants of my manhood cannot take another column on such superfluous fluff.
Thus, I am requesting the help of you, my dear readers. Post a question or comment to today’s column and I will answer anything and everything in a future Valentine’s Day mailbag. Just don’t post under Anonymous.
Sound good?
Merci Beaucoup.
It’s Tuesday, which means I will spend way more time discussing The Bachelor than any straight man should. Last week’s live recap was such a success I decided to do it again:
8:00 – How many ladies will Jake send home tonight? 1? 2? All of them? Anything’s possible.
8:03 – Did ABC pick San Francisco so Jake would have trouble repressing his innate homosexual thoughts? Gay thoughts = ratings bonanza?
8:05 – I need more of Tenley bouncing up and down in my life.
8:09 – I thought San Francisco trolleys were electric? I don’t think that bus meets emission standards.
8:11 – They’re making fortune cookies in Chinatown. Could this be any more stereotypical? Was a karate lesson not available?
8:13 – Ali and Vienna on the group date!! Amazing!!
8:14 – Oh, nice misdirection by Corrie. She had me fooled. We may have the next Meryl Streep in our midst.
8:15 – Catfight, catfight, catfight!!! Strip down to bra and panties! Actually, Vienna can keep her clothes on.
8:16 – Sister Tewks just said she likes Vienna. I asked her to leave.
8:19 – Now she’s making fun of Tenley’s voice. I think she’s just trying to piss me off.
8:20 – Nice turtleneck, Jake. Does he try to be a loser in the first hour or this just a coincidence?
8:23 – “Her fingers are really fat. They look like claws.” From the mouth of Sister Tewks about Tenley. Unbelievable. I love watching this show with women. The level of cattiness astounds me. Rational thought just flies right out the window.
8:28 – The chest filled with clothes for Vienna and Gia’s 2 on 1 date reminds me of Mr. Dressup’s tickle trunk.
8:30 – “I’m a little nervous going on a date with two women.” Just have sex with both of them, Jake.
8:35 – Vienna might have an extra chromosome or two. I mean she looks retarded with a capital R.
8:36 – “You can eat my salmon.” Nice job, Gia. Boom. Roasted.
8:38 – Vienna is uber creepy. Why is she holding that lantern like a medieval dungeon master? This is terrifying.
8:46 – “I want Jake to see my fun side.” Corrie, honey, let me give some advice. If your fun side doesn’t include you topless, he’s not interested.
8:47 - Ok, Vienna has stalker like tendencies. I would kick her out of the castle post haste. Vienna doesn’t need to go back upstairs Jake, she needs to go home.
8:55 – This rowboat date reminds me of The Notebook . . . Christ, I’m such a homo.
8:56 – Kiss her, Jake! Jesus, he has zero game. How can you not tell she wants you to kiss her? This is painful.
8:57 – “I’m about ready for dinner.” That was the highest of comedy. You are pathetic, Jake. Grow a pair, my friend.
9:01 – Corrie’s a virgin!! Do they still make those?
9:02 – It doesn’t bother you, Jake? Bullshit. She’s gone tonight. Why is she on this show if she’s a virgin? Does she really want her first time to be on national television on an overnight date?
9:07 – Ali is like an angel sent from Heaven to give me an erection every Monday night.
9:13 – Now, both Mama and Sister Tewks are trashing Ali’s voice. The claws are out tonight.
9:18 – Ali gives backrubs too? She is the perfect women. Wow, look at her straddling him. Little Jake must be standing to attention right now.
9:22 – “Do you want to jump in the water?” No, not really.
9:30 – “Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I’m not in touch with my sensual side.” This is good damage control by Corrie. Let him know that you won’t sleep with him, but you’ll go down on him. That’s what she means, right?
9:43 – “Ali’s the kind of girl you can just curl up with and be safe.” JAKE, YOU ARE A MAN. Start acting like one.
9:49 – That’s two weeks in a row Tenley got the first rose. She may be the new frontrunner.
9:50 - My girl Ali is right behind.
9:51 – Gia is currently putting together a solid performance and flying under the radar. Now she’s got a hometown date. Good for her.
9:51 – Vienna again? What is wrong with you?
9:52 – He obviously got rid of Corrie because she’s a virgin. Just admit it, Jake. I won’t judge. I would have done the same thing.
9:52 – “I was concerned that Corrie wouldn’t open up fully.” My thoughts exactly.
Revised Top 3:
1. Ali
2. Tenley
3. Gia
981. Vienna
I do have to give Leaf fans credit: they are eternally optimistic.
Jesus, by listening to the radio and reading some of the comments on the web, you would have thought Brian Burke was able to trade for Bobby Orr and Terry Sawchuk respectively. Let’s all take a deep breath and take a look at this trade piece by piece, starting with the new Leafs:
Dion Phaneuf
I find it very revealing that casual Leaf fans are more excited about this trade than any established members of the hockey intelligentsia. There’s a reason why Phaneuf was left off the Canadian Olympic team (how funny is it that he is in the ‘Force Fate’ Nike commercial? It cracks me up every time).
He has regressed greatly over the past two years. Phaneuf is no longer the same player who was a 2008 Norris Trophy finalist. He’s not even the same player that Pierre McGuire had an on-air orgasm over during every game of the 2005 World Junior Championship. Phaneuf is the Benjamin Button of NHL defencemen.
Can he even handle playing in the biggest hockey market in the world? I don’t think so. Phaneuf doesn’t even have a thick enough skin to not care when Sean Avery points out, correctly, that his girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert, is a puck bunny. What’s going to happen when the media is all over Phaneuf for one of his patented bonehead passes? The guy will have a mental breakdown.
Jean-Sebastien Giguere
Is he really that big of an upgrade over Vesa Toskala? Once again, Leaf fans are falling in love with the name. Sure, Giguere was terrific in the 2006 Stanley Cup playoffs when he led the Anaheim Ducks to victory, but he’s been completely average since then.
And now we’re going to have to deal with sportswriters making corny ‘Getting Jiggy with It’ jokes for the rest of the season. Fantastic.
Fredrik Sjostrom
He’s from Sweden.
Keith Aulie
He’s not old enough to drink in the United States.
Now for the players lucky enough to leave Toronto’s sinking ship:
Vesa Toskala
He’s an average NHL goaltender. Average NHL goaltenders cannot succeed on terrible teams like the Leafs.
Jason Blake
The only player in the NHL capable of having ten shots on net per game without ever skating near the crease; like Gretzky in his prime, it’s something we may never see again.
Niklas Hagman
I have never seen him break a sweat or give the illusion that he gives a shit about wins and losses. Good riddance.
Jamal Mayers
He’s a black guy.
Ian White
I actually really like Ian White. He’s a solid blue-collar guy who isn’t afraid to mix it up in the corners. Plus, you can always count on him to have terrific facial hair. He will be missed.
Matt Stajan
This was the first year of his career that he actually showed promise to develop into a bona fide second line centre. About three years too late. Stajan is probably the most surprising person to be moved, but was probably a key piece in acquiring Phaneuf since he’s conservatively priced.
To sum up: the Leafs are still terrible, but their payroll is now higher. Nice job, Burkie.
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