Wildcard Weekend

My interest in the NFL begins in earnest this weekend, with the first round of the playoffs taking place on both Saturday and Sunday. With four games scheduled, it’s a great time to be a fan of the National Football League.

My last NFL playoff preview was an overwhelming success, so I figured I'd take a dip in that pool again.

As always, zero research and a severe lack of football knowledge has been used to make these picks. However, I just finished second in a US College Bowl pool, so my half-baked, ill-informed opinions must count for something.

New York Jets vs. Cincinnati Bengals

Normally, success in the playoffs depends on the ability of the quarterback. He doesn’t necessarily have to be good (How else did the Baltimore Ravens win the Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer?), he just can’t be terrible. Poor passing stats and a noodle arm don’t kills teams, interceptions and turnovers do.

If the quarterback can hang onto the ball and not do anything stupid, a good run game and a stingy defence can take care of the rest. Dirty Sanchez of the Jets and Carson Palmer of the Bengals both aren’t very good, but Palmer sucks the least.

The Pick: Cincinnati

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys

Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb have had tremendous regular season success over the last ten years, but have been unable to win the Big One. Dallas hasn’t won a playoff game since the Clinton Administration. However, ties aren’t allowed in the postseason, so one of these teams is actually going to win a playoff game.

It must be an exciting time for their respective fan bases (until the inevitable loss next week, of course).

Both Tony Romo and Donovan McNabb seem to shirk from pressure-packed situations, so I predict a low scoring affair. Who do I give the edge to? Well, Tony Romo has dated Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson. Donovan McNabb shoots Chunky Soup commercials with his mom.

The Pick: Dallas

Baltimore Ravens vs. New England Patriots

I literally know nothing about the Ravens except that Ray Lewis is somehow still playing (and dancing like an idiot) and that their quarterback has a unibrow.

I don’t foresee the Patriots losing a wildcard game at home, despite the loss of Wes Welker. Tom Brady has had some up and down games so far this season, but the dude flat out wins playoff games (as his three Super Bowl rings can attest).

Plus, Brady, as a gay man, would much rather spend the next month hanging out with his offensive line in the shower, instead of spending time with Gisele. Look for the Pats to go deep into the playoffs.

The Pick: New England

Green Bay Packers vs. Arizona Cardinals

This is the easiest game to pick of the weekend. Looking at the conventional data, one would assume that this will be a tightly contested affair. And sure, all the football talking heads and gambling aficionados have declared this game to be a toss up. And if you looked at the cold, hard facts, then you would be right.

You would also be an idiot. The true answer is unbelievably simple.

Who is Arizona’s quarterback? Kurt Warner. Who does Kurt Warner love the most, and vice versa? God. Who is God in human form? Brett Favre. Who is Brett Favre’s former team (from which there was an acrimonious departure)? The Green Bay Packers.

The final score might be 100-3.

The Pick: Arizona

Cooperstown Doesn't Have a Cover Charge

I don’t usually like to talk baseball during the winter months, as it makes me pine for spring during these cold, winter nights, but the results of yesterday’s Baseball Hall of Fame vote has forced me to weigh in.

First, I’m not going to denigrate the induction of Andre Dawson, in his ninth year of eligibility, into the Hall of Fame. I never saw the man play and have never really heard much about him except that he has a badass nickname: The Hawk.

Also, Dawson is the only man to win a Most Valuable Player award while languishing on a last place team (the Chicago Cubs in 1987).

From everything I’ve read, written by people much smarter than me, Andre Dawson deserves to be in the Hall of Fame.

I’d much rather discuss the players who fell short of the very strict standards imposed by the Members of the Baseball Writers’ Association of America (with 10 or more years of consecutive service).

How Robbie Alomar was not the first player to be enshrined in Cooperstown wearing a Blue Jays uniform is an absolute travesty. There is no sane explanation why Alomar did not achieve 75% of the vote.

He was the best player in the game at his position for over a decade. He was the best position player on two World Series winning teams. People bought tickets solely to watch Alomar’s offensive prowess and defensive wizardry.

That is the definition of a Hall of Famer.

Yes, he spit on an umpire. It was a reprehensible act, but one for which Alomar has expressed extreme remorse. The umpire in question, John Hirshbeck, has forgiven Alomar and they are now good friends. Hirshbeck and Alomar even raise money for charity together.

I guarantee the writers who didn’t vote for Alomar will get up on their moral high horse and point to the spitting incident for the reason for Alomar’s exclusion.

That is complete bullshit.

Ty Cobb is in the Hall of Fame and he was, by all accounts, a horrible human being. Ray Liotta, in Field of Dream, said it best: “Ty Cobb wanted to play. But none of us could stand the son of a bitch when he was alive, so we told him to stick it.”

And what about all the owners from before 1950 who made a concerted effort to bar black players from playing in the MLB? And who cheated legions of players out of respectable wages? All those assholes are in the Hall of Fame.

The Hall of Fame isn’t Heaven. Its purpose is to celebrate baseball greatness. Robbie Alomar fits that bill.

Bert Blyleven should be in Cooperstown. He has more wins and more strikeouts than any other pitcher currently not in the Hall of Fame. Although, I don’t really understand how he can garner more votes over the years, when he’s stopped playing. Either he’s a Hall of Famer or he’s not. Bert’s case shouldn’t become more favourable as time passes (which just proves the idiocy of the voters).

Truthfully, he should be inducted solely for having the greatest nickname ever bestowed by Chris Berman. Bert “Be Home” Blyleven.

Jack Morris should also be in the Hall of Fame as one the greatest big game pitchers in baseball history. He thrived in pressure-packed situations as the top dog of two World Series winning rotations (Twins and Blue Jays).

He had one of the best pitching performances in postseason history in Game 7 of the 1991 World Series. Morris threw 10 shutout innings to defeat the Atlanta Braves. He was the epitome of a workhorse.

Plus, Jack Morris gave the baseball world the greatest quote in the history of the game. When asked what he thought of female reporters being allowed in the clubhouse, Morris quipped, “The only time I want to talk to a woman when I’m naked is if I’m on top of her or she’s on top of me.”

Sheer brilliance.

Keep on Searching for a Medal of Gold

For all of you tough, manly men, who are so insecure about your sexuality that you can’t watch The Bachelor, here’s a World Junior recap to help you solidify your testosterone fuelled reading choices.

Last night’s gold medal game was one of the greatest hockey games I have ever witnessed on television. Though the outcome wasn’t desirable from the standpoint of a Canadian fan, it was a joy to watch as a fan of the sport.

The thing that struck me the most was the pace and speed of the play. The American team had some of the fastest players I’ve ever seen lace up a pair of skates. All three periods were chock full of odd man rushes and epic races to the puck. I thought Gord Miller was going to have a stroke trying to keep up with all the action.

The game had a little bit of everything: shitty goaltending (both starters looked unbelievably shaky at times) and great goaltending. Jack Campbell, the US’s back up goalie, put on an MVP calibre performance and was the primary reason his team was able to make it to the extra frame in the first place.

The Canadians fought back from a one goal deficit twice and then scored two goals in the final three minutes to send it to overtime (which, at the time, must have been horrible déjà vu for the Americans after their choke job on New Year’s Eve). Canada’s comeback brings me to my next point:

Jordan Eberle is the greatest international hockey player in Canadian history.

The kid is absolutely amazing. I never thought I would have a man crush on someone born in the 1990s, but here we are. His performance over the last two World Juniors was unbelievable and he is, undoubtedly, the epitome of a clutch player.

If I was Steve Yzerman, I might hold a spot for Eberle on the Olympic team. Just put the kid near the net late in the game and he’ll tickle the twine.

Paul Henderson now has company in the annals of Canadian hockey history.

Unfortunately, Eberle couldn’t do it all himself. He needed help and the other big guns on the team weren’t up to the task; specifically, Nazem Kadri.

I don’t understand why everyone fawns all over this kid. Yes, he’s highly talented and is great in shootouts. So am I and you don’t see me getting drafted anytime soon.

Kadri is horrible defensively, is constantly out of position and always tries to make the big hit, at the expense of the teammates he leaves hanging out to dry with his stupidity. Worst of all, Kadri thinks he’s tough guy.

Did you see the throat gesture he gave the Swiss player during the round robin? First off, maybe he should think about picking a more menacing opponent than the Swiss. They’re neutral.

Second, what are you going to do, Nazem? You’re 5’9” and weigh 150lbs. Leave the rough stuff to the real men.

Having Canada lose the gold medal game may actually be a good thing for the tournament and hockey in general. As I mentioned last week, the World Juniors were getting predictable and boring. Having the Swiss make it to the semis and having the US win gold can only mean good things for the future of international hockey.

Specifically, this could be a boon for the game in the US. We all know Americans will get behind anything in which they are the best. And right now, they are the best at Under 20 hockey. I predict greater interest in next year’s tourney from the south of the border (especially since the WJC will be held in Buffalo).

And don’t fret Canada. We still have Vancouver in February.

I Clipped My Wings of Love

There are actually three separate topics that I plan on covering today, but I doubt all three will be of interest to all of you. Therefore, I will list them in order first, and you can scroll down to the item that piques your curiosity the most.

1. Tiger Woods’ Vanity Fair cover story

2. Eric Tillman Sexual Assault

3. Monday Night TV

Tiger Woods in Vanity Fair

This is a prime example of cheap, sensationalistic journalism. Vanity Fair took photos from a shoot done months ago and packaged them with a hastily written fluff piece that draws zero interesting conclusions. Not only that, the cover photo has Tiger shirtless with a menacing glare on his face. Yeah, we get it. Tiger Woods is an awful person, no one knows the true Tiger. Blah, blah, blah.

What I don’t understand is that the thesis of the article states that Tiger Woods is a sex addict. Why is it that in today’s society we always excuse poor behaviour for an underlying condition or disorder?

If a kid misbehaves in class or doesn’t listen to teachers, he is automatically thought to have a learning disability or ADD. Maybe the kid is just an asshole because his parents did a shitty job at raising him.

Oh, little Johnny can’t read well? He must be given special treatment so he doesn’t feel like an outcast. It’s not his fault. Um, yes it is. Perhaps, little Johnny is just a moron whose eventual vocation will involve pumping gas for a living.

Tiger Woods likes to cheat on his smoking hot wife and bang skanks. So, that makes him a sex addict now? Or maybe he just thought that, as one of the world’s richest and recognizable athletes, normal rules of human decency don’t apply to him and he can do whatever he wants.

A sex addict? Let’s stop giving people excuses to make stupid decisions.

“Your Honour, I stole that money from the casino because I’m financially handicapped. If you charge me with robbery, I will sue the state for discrimination.”

(How long until the above is used, victoriously, as an excuse in court?)

Eric Tillman Pleads Guilty to Sexual Assault

When I first heard the news that Tillman, general manager of the Saskatchewan Rough Riders, had plead guilty to sexual assault, I didn’t think much of it. Here was a creepy looking dude in his forties, guilty of impropriety with a 16 year old babysitter.

However, when I learned the exact details of his indiscretion, I was at a loss for words. Apparently, Tillman went up behind the girl, put his fingers through the belt loops on her hips and pulled her towards him. And then . . .

That’s it.

What? How is that sexual assault? Yes, what he did was creepy and wrong, but there is no way that should be considered sexual assault, which is a serious crime.

If grabbing a girl’s hips is sexual assault, then I have to go consult with an attorney after I’m done here. I might be in a little bit of trouble. Has anyone in the Saskatchewan judicial system ever been to a bar on a Saturday night?

I’ve been sexually assaulted worse than that by a bouncer frisking me at the front door. On the dance floor, grabbing an unsuspecting girl’s hips is considered an appropriate icebreaker, not sexual assault.

Eric Tillman: guilty of being a creep, yes; guilty of sexual assault, not a chance.

TV Last Night

I was faced with a very difficult decision last night. My status as a man’s man hung by a thread, as I was forced to choose between watching the Fiesta Bowl and the premiere of the newest season of The Bachelor.

Not surprisingly, I chose to watch The Bachelor (but I swear I watched the game during commercials). This year’s edition features Jake as the Big Kahuna. He is one of the cast-offs from the previous season of The Bachelorette.

I don’t think I’m in the demographic ABC is looking to attract to this show. I say this because we were subject to at least 300 shots of Jake shirtless before the first commercial break. Sure, Jake has a good body. But, I have one question: does he really need to cook breakfast half naked?

Also, I could have done without the shower scene and extreme close up of his abs.

I found it hilarious when Jake said that he had a lot of first dates, but not a lot of second dates (sounds like someone I know). How surprising. Do you think maybe women get turned off when they realize you have no discernible personality, are a complete pussy and throw a football like a girl?

Enough about Jake, let’s get to the ladies looking to be Kelly McGillis to his Maverick:

- Ali is the chick who lost her voice. She is the epitome of sweet and beautiful. I would love to give her the Eric Tillman

- I really liked Elizabeth, the captain in the National Guard. She wasn’t as ‘hot’ as some of the other girls but she seemed cool and funny. The double-sided coin trick was genius.

- Rozlyn is the smoking, hot babe who everyone will end up hating. One chick already said Rozlyn was there “for the wrong reasons.” And what are the right reasons for finding a spouse on national television?

- Vienna is one of the ditzy blondes. I’m only giving her a mention here because she’s cross-eyed.

- Ella and Michelle are the stalkers. They both basically told Jake they were in love with him already. He gave them both roses. What an idiot.

- Channy was only there to meet ABC’s minority quota. And maybe to get a green card.

- Tenley got the first impression rose. I didn’t know that was a name, either. She has also only had sex with one guy and cried after she kissed Jake because she felt like a whore. I’m looking forward to more Tenley in my life.

- My favourite is Elizabeth 2. She’s the one who brought a football and wanted to test Jake’s arm with a game of catch. She wins in my book. I would have sent the other 24 ladies home immediately if she pulled that with me. Plus, she’s got HUGE boobs.

I’m very excited for the rest of the season. The teaser at the end of last night’s episode was fantastic.

I just might have to recap The Bachelor every Tuesday morning.

The Leader of the Pack

With a 22 point performance against the San Antonio Spurs last night, Chris Bosh became the Toronto Raptors all time leading scorer with 9,428 points.

To adapt a quote from Coach Ara Parseghian in Rudy: “You just summed up your entire sorry franchise here, in one instant!”

It is common knowledge that Chris Bosh is not a fan favourite here at Talkin’ with Tewks; in fact, I’m quite certain that Bosh is a charter member of the 'People I Hate in Sports' club. For the record, I do think that Bosh is a good basketball player. He is a perfectly serviceable big man, who can give you 20 and 10 a night.

However, he is not a franchise player, nor should he be counted to lead a team. Bosh is much too soft and complacent to be a truly dominating force in the NBA. He’s also not nearly as good at the game as he thinks he is. This can be blamed partly on the Toronto sports media, who have built Bosh up to the point where Raptor fans (and Bosh) think he’s one of the top 5 players in the league.

Not a chance.

Therein lays the problem with the Toronto Raptors organization. It is a franchise that breeds mediocrity and lauds average efforts and results. After Bosh made the basket to take the franchise lead over Vince Carter, the crowd went absolutely bonkers.

Not only that, announcers Matt Devlin and Leo Rautins all but requested the game to be postponed, so a ticker tape parade could be thrown in Bosh’s honour.

Really? You’re deifying a guy who has never led the team to a playoff series win. What’s more, it’s pathetic that the franchise record for points isn’t even in five digits. Kobe Bryant scores 10,000 points in a little over four seasons. The Raptors have been around since 1995. You do the math.

However, I am glad that Bosh is erasing Vince Carter from the top of the franchise’s record books. At least Bosh puts forth an honest effort (see? I’m doing the same thing as Raptor fans; making excuses for a middling talent. The idea that a professional athlete has to be complimented for trying hard sickens me).

Carter would stop working once he started sweating. It made him feel ‘icky’. Vince Carter will always be the genital wart on the foreskin of Raptors team history. Sure, it can lie dormant and you might forget about it from time to time, but it will always be there.

A closer look at the Raptors record book shows the following name as the fourth all time leading scorer in team history: Doug Christie. DOUG CHRISTIE!!

This is a guy who isn’t even allowed to use the bathroom without his wife’s permission, and only three players in FRANCHISE HISTORY have scored more points than he did. That is the definition of depressing. Did Doug Christie even play with the Raptors after Y2K?

Raptor fans have to stop being willing to accept such a mediocre product. MLSE has no incentive to make the team better if you keep showing up and spending all your money (I could basically write the exact same column about the Leafs over the past fifteen years).

What a horrible time to be a Toronto sports fan.