Flu Shot Kerfuffle

As an athlete, normally I am in favour of athletes receiving special treatment in a variety of circumstances. For example, at university I was able to bypass the line at some bars and not have to pay cover due to my status as a varsity athlete.

Also, some professors would be lenient on grades and due dates if they knew you played on a sports team (I also showed up to some classes shirtless, which may have helped with some of the female instructors, but that’s a story for a different day).

However, I cannot in good conscience support NHL players receiving the swine flu vaccine ahead of members of priority groups that are at high risk for severe complications from H1N1. This morning, I saw several players try to explain, with a straight face, that they possessed the same risk factor as children under five, pregnant women, and those with chronic conditions.

How pathetic is that? These are probably the same guys who don’t give up their seat on the subway for old people and can’t fathom the ‘women and children’ first evacuation plan on the Titanic.

Their reasons for being considered priority are as follows: they spend a lot of time together in close quarters and they travel a lot.

Big Fucking Deal.

I’m pretty sure schoolchildren spend just as much time in tightly knit groups as hockey players. And, being adults, hockey players should know better than to go to work sick or to share water bottles. The travel thing is equally ridiculous. Thousands of businessmen travel all the time and I don’t see Health Ministries telling CEOs they are part of a priority group.

In fact, professional athletes should be the last people receiving the swine flu vaccinations. One of the main benefits of being an athlete (and training like one) is superior physical conditioning over the general population. Not only are athletes stronger, faster, more agile, and in better cardiovascular health, they also have stronger and more efficient immune systems.

I have never gotten a flu shot in my life and, since I started doing Crossfit, I’ve never been out of commission for days at a time with the flu. At time, have I shown symptoms and been under the weather? Absolutely.

But I have a foolproof sickness prevention plan. When I start feeling less than optimal, I get my ass to the gym and lift some heavy iron. If necessary, I will then stand in front of a full length mirror and flex until I drive the germs, microbes, virus etc. out of my body.

It never fails. Even my red and white blood cells are intimidating.

What pisses me off the most about NHL players receiving their vaccines with the priority groups is the fact they’re jumping the queues as well. Even if hockey players were deemed to be at a high risk for contracting H1N1, there’s no logical reason for them to be put at the front of the line while thousands of regular people have to wait for hours to get their flu shots.

Karma is going to come back and bite the Calgary Flames in the ass; I guarantee they won’t make the playoffs this year. I’d say the same thing about the Leafs but they weren’t going to make the playoffs in the first place.
My favourite person in this scandal is Ontario Health Minister Deb Matthews (and the gal pictured above). In an interview yesterday about the queue jumping, she looked straight into the camera and barked, “I don’t care who you are, how rich you are, how famous you are. If you’re not in the priority group, get out of the line and let the people who are in the priority groups get their vaccination.”

Yes ma’am. I must admit I got a little turned on when I heard this. I’ll bet she’s an absolute dynamo in the boudoir.

Yankee Fans Born After 2000 Can Now Die in Peace

Am I happy the Yankees won their 27th World Series title last night? Yes and no. I’m happy for Alex Rodriguez; this has been a season of redemption for him and to see A-Rod finally get a chance to taste World Series victory after sixteen years in the big leagues was great to watch.

The talk today is that finally getting a ring truly cements Rodriguez’s legacy as one of the greatest players in baseball history. Um, no. He has always been one of the best to ever play the game. The acquisition of a world championship just legitimizes A-Rod’s transcendence to heroic levels in the eyes of insufferable Yankee fans who don’t fully embrace or respect players until they’ve won a ring in pinstripes.

That is complete bullshit by the way. Before last night, I implored anyone to try this exercise. Listen to a Yankee fan discuss how guys like Scott Brosius and Tino Martinez are better overall players than A-Rod because Martinez and Brosius have multiple rings. Then try not to punch them in the face for being so idiotic. It’s impossible.

This brings me to my point about not being happy New York won the World Series: it’s because of their fans (I made my feelings clear on Yankee fans and New Yorkers during my trip to NYC in the summer of 2008). Now the baseball world has to listen to these idiots preen on and on about how “all is right in the world” and the “World Series is back where it belongs.” Yeah, we’re all very impressed. You spent $200 million on a team with only three starting pitchers you can trust (one of whom is AJ “Choke Artist” Burnett). You have no chance of repeating; enjoy another 10 years of World Series futility.

When Pedro came out throwing his fastball at 85, you knew he was going to have to bite and nibble at the corners to be successful. Unfortunately, umpire Joe West was squeezing Pedro big time, which forced him to throw too many pitches over the middle of the plate and a 38 year old Pedro Martinez can’t afford to do that anymore. What happened? Godzilla jacked him up.

How does Hideki Matsui win the World Series MVP? I know he single-handedly won Game 6 with a historic performance and hit over .600 in the Series, but that number belies his true worth to the Yankees victory. He only played in three games! Matsui was stapled to the bench for Games 3-5 in Philadelphia because Girardi felt he was not one of the top nine guys on the squad offensively and defensively. How can the MVP of the Series be someone who isn’t trusted to play in 50% of the games? If you take away his Game 6 performance, he is a marginal contributor at best.

Also, as one of my astute readers pointed out to me, why does Hideki Matsui still need a translator after spending the better part of a decade living in the United States? (And did you get a look at Matsui’s translator? I’m pretty sure he was Italian). I mean, come on Hideki, let’s put in a little effort. Tom Selleck had to learn to speak Japanese in Mr. Baseball and he was only there for a few months. Absorbing your host country’s culture is a two way street.

Actually, I think Matsui can probably speak English fluently. If you watch his interview with Chris Rose, he nods along to Rose’s questions as though he understands. He probably just didn’t want to speak to Chris Rose directly and for that, I can’t blame him. Rose is just terrible — I mean cringingly bad to watch.

Mark Grace was the best interviewer on TV last night. He was calm, relaxed, asked good questions, and made some jokes. Grace was like the anti Chris Rose. Also, did you know Mark Grace coined the term ‘slumpbuster’, which is code for a ballplayer having sex with a fat girl to get out of a hitting slump?

Truthfully, I think Mark Grace just loves fat girls:

Mark Grace – Hey man, what about that one? She must be pushing 240. I want her bad; need to get out of this slump.

Teammate – Mark you’re hitting .500 the last month. You don’t need a slumpbuster.

Mark Grace – Nah, I could be hitting better. I don’t feel comfortable at the plate. I should probably sleep with her just to be safe.

Where else on the Internet can you get a World Series recap that somehow ends with a discussion of Mark Grace and his love of fat women? That’s it for baseball posts until spring training, unless the Blue Jays do something stupid and trade Roy Halladay in the meantime. Then I will be on suicide watch.

Mouthguards Belong in the Mouth

Allow me to channel my inner curmudgeon (think a drunken Andy Rooney) and discuss something in the NHL that has become more and more prevalent over the last couple of years and drives me absolutely bonkers: the inappropriate and disgusting use of mouthguards by young NHL players.

Next time you watch an NHL highlight package, watch what happens after a player scores a goal. Invariably and without fail, the first thing he will do, even before raising his arms in celebration, is spit his mouth guard out into a gloved hand.

Why do they do this? Does a mouthguard-free jaw make it more enjoyable to celebrate with your teammates? I’ve played hockey and I agree that mouthguards are kind of a pain in the ass, but I never felt the need to expel the safety device out of my head after bulging the twine (I also never scored very many goals, but that’s beside the point). It looks so stupid for a player to care that much about such a minor nuisance.

And these are professional hockey players; they can afford expensive mouthguards, which fit perfectly around the teeth and are moulded to perfection. They aren’t using the one size fits all mouthguards from Canadian Tire that you had to boil in hot water and were probably made from the same plastic used on Hot Wheels race tracks in the 1970s.

The most glaring perpetrators of this ridiculous ritual are players under the age of 25. I think I’ve figured out why guys are doing this but the logic is so pathetic and narcissistic, it makes me concerned for society as a whole (and if I think its narcissistic then it must be bad).

It’s common knowledge that a mouthguard forces your cheeks and jaw into an unusual position, so there is just something “off” about your appearance when wearing one. It’s also common knowledge that goal scorers get close-ups on the television feed after they score. Now, I think players are so cognizant and egotistical about their media images that they consciously remove the mouthguards upon scoring so they can present their “best” to the viewing public.

Sure this logic is flawed because most hockey players have no teeth and are as ugly as sin, but they are also contenders for the dumbest athletes on the planet.

Also, it dumbfounds me when players sit on the bench and chew their mouthguards. This morning I saw Vinny Lecavalier clamp down on his mouthpiece like he was Hannibal Lecter snacking on a census taker’s liver. It didn’t even look like a mouthguard dangling from his lips; it looked like he was chewing a piece of bubble wrap. How is that going to protect against concussions?

Lastly, I wanted to write about this topic because it gives me an opportunity to link to one of my favourite comedy bits of all time (and also gives my female readers a taste of what sex with Tewks is like).

I Am a Genius

Q: Tewks, how have you not been hired by a major sports network yet? I mean you have absolutely crushed your predictions thus far for the World Series and given your readers valuable insight from the perspective of a star athlete.
- Tewks

A: You’re a no talent hack who thinks his clever witticisms and sophomoric humour are on the cutting edge of comedy when, in reality, they make Dane Cook’s standup act look like the Second Coming of George Carlin. Here are three words you CAN say on the Internet: You suck, douchebag.

Wow. Sorry about that folks. Somehow AJ Burnett’s mom hacked into my blogger account and answered that question for me. It’s nice to know someone in the Burnett family has some testosterone.

Let’s rundown the major points from my last few columns to see how I’ve become the Nostradamus of independent sports blogs:

- Last Thursday, I waxed poetic about the excellence of Cliff Lee. What did he do last night? Only shut down the Yankees for seven innings without his best stuff. Sure he got roughed up a bit in the eighth, but that brings me to my next bragging point.

- On Friday, I remarked how a noticeably absent Kate Hudson was wreaking havoc on A-Rod’s game through the first two games at Yankee Stadium. Since requesting Kate show her pretty little bone structure at Citizens Bank Park, A-Rod has gone off in the last two games and been the best hitter in the Series not named Chase Utley. Plus, he hit two doubles and had three RBIs versus my new BFF Cliff Lee.

- Yesterday was my piece de resistance. Not only did I correctly predict a Phillies victory but I guaranteed an abysmal performance by Burnett and boy, did that ever come to fruition. AJ was just terrible last night. It had nothing to do with how much rest he had but everything to do with him being terrible on the road where he can’t suckle at the teat of his home fans.

There was great news from the post game press conferences, as well. After I upbraided Major League pitchers for being pussies, Cliff Lee said he would be available to pitch in Game 7 (on two days rest). Now that is what a man does. He wants the ball on the biggest stage in sports: Game 7 of the World Series. Circumstances be damned. Here’s hoping he gets that chance.

(For my non baseball readers, since there is no game tonight I promise tomorrow’s column will have nothing to do with America’s pastime)

I Pleasure Myself on Three Days Rest

(How about that Halloween costume: White Goodman from Dodgeball. The resemblance is uncanny. I had to walk around downtown Toronto dressed like that; people were concerned for my safety but, let’s be honest, who’s going to mess with biceps like that?)

The Yankees won Game 4 of the World Series last night on the strength of clutch hitting by Mr. Kate Hudson. The results of the game seemed almost secondary as the only topics people wanted to discuss this morning were the Yankees’ decision to start CC Sabathia on three days rest and Philadelphia’s decision to rest Cliff Lee for Game 5 tonight.

As a pitcher, I feel that it is my responsibility to weigh in on this matter to educate the masses as opposed to fat, middle-aged sportswriters whose athletic exploits ended in grade 9 gym class.

The media makes it seem like pitching on three days rest is the most physically demanding activity in all of sports. Pitchers who throw on short rest are lionized as gritty throwbacks to a different era when men were men.

First off, pitching on three days rest isn’t that impressive. I’ve thrown on zero days rest plenty of times in my career. Hell, I threw on thirty minutes rest twice this year (pitched both ends of a doubleheader). Now Tewks, you say, you couldn’t touch 90 miles an hour unless you were driving in a car; these guys throw mid 90s gas, which puts much more torque and strain on their bodies than your “fastball.”

Fine, I’ll concede that point. I have worse stuff than Josh Towers (seeing that typed out makes me want to quit the game forever). However, I also don’t have access to all the cutting edge advances in athletic therapy and massage. Major League pitchers get massaged everyday, and they have access to cold and hot tubs and other devices designed to help them recover after a start.

What does my recovery regimen look like? I take two Ibuprofen, ice for 10 minutes and drink beer until my arm doesn’t hurt anymore. And I still have the testicular fortitude to get back on the mound and throw gems.

Pitchers are molly-coddled too much these days. There’s a reason why pitchers are thought to be limp-wristed prima donnas with fragile egos. No one expects them to be tough, so when a guy like CC goes on short rest, poems are written about his “warrior” mentality. Look at Nolan Ryan: he pitched for over 20 years, threw well over 130 pitches per start, and regularly threw on three days rest. The human body can adapt to extraordinary stresses, but it needs to be given the chance to be tested.

In this era of pitch counts and million dollar contracts, everyone is so damn scared of hurting a young arm. Hundreds of pitchers are never given the chance to reach their true potential.

If AJ Burnett gets lit up tonight (which he will), the media will crow that it was due to his pitching on three days rest. Sorry, wrong answer. Burnett will get demolished tonight because he will not be throwing in the cozy confines of Yankee Stadium with 50,000 people supporting his every move.

Philadelphia fans are historically brutal on opposing pitchers and AJ can’t pitch in hostile environments because he is mentally weak. He shrinks from the face of adversity and, when the going gets tough, he folds like a cheap suit.

Cliff Lee will send the World Series back to New York and Pedro will get his revenge in Game 6.