After having our hopes of pre-marital coitus demoralized by an assortment of women on Saturday night, Gretzpo and I decided to cheer ourselves up by catching a Sunday afternoon matinee of the movie Never Back Down. There is nothing more uncomfortable than asking for two tickets to a 1pm showing of a 2008 version of Karate Kid. I’m 90% certain the ticket taker thought we were either gay or deranged sociopaths.
Needless to say, we had the entire theatre to ourselves and commenced making infantile jokes for the next two hours. The following is a compilation of our incoherent ramblings from our private viewing. I, for one, am never backing down from this review. Now let’s go get some.
Never Back Down is the story of Jake Tyler (a cross between Daniel Larusso and a circa 1986 Tom Cruise): a tough kid who leads with his fists, and often, with his heart (by the way, that sentence is copied verbatim from the movie’s tagline; I can’t make this stuff up).
The movie opens with Jake kicking ass on the football field as some type of Dick Butkus inspired middle linebacker. Things are all fine and dandy until an opposing player makes the mistake of taunting Jake by mentioning his father’s penchant for the bottle and dying in alcohol-fuelled car crashes. Jake, in a formidable display of rage, proceeds to one punch the agitator into oblivion.
Jake returns home to find his younger brother and white trash mother eating takeout for dinner. I know your husband is dead Mrs. Tyler, but you can’t heat up some rice and throw a couple of chicken breasts on the George Foreman? (I’m convinced the actress who was supposed to play the mother never showed up on the first day and the producers just hired the woman who sets up craft services).
Mama Tyler yells at Jake for fighting and we find out they are moving to Orlando because junior Tyler is a tennis champion. Yes this plot device is just as stupid as it sounds.
On Jake’s first day at his new school we met Baja (a homeless man’s Elisabeth Shue), the token hot chick/love interest (I’m not looking up the actress’ name because after this performance, the only time we will see her again is on Skinemax).
Her acting range consists of squeezing her breasts together with her arms, smiling suggestively and biting her upper lip (I suggest the DVD come with an option where all of Baja’s lines are muted and the audience just sees a close up of her perfectly sculpted orbs).
This is where the movie threatens to unravel. The scenes between Jake and Baja are so poorly acted; it is just excruciating to watch. They had some lame conversation about Achilles’ Shield and then she bit her lip and invited our boy Jake to a party.
At the party we meet Ryan McCarthy, played by Volchok from the OC, who can best be described as a metrosexual Johnny Lawrence.
Now I’m not that far out of high school but what scenario seems more fun from a male perspective: drinking and partying with bikini clad hotties who have predilections to make out with each other OR hang out on a beach with a bunch of dudes and get your face punched in?
The fruitcakes in this movie choose the latter.
Volchok goads our protagonist into a fight by bringing up Papa Tyler’s untimely death. Cheap, but effective as Jake agrees to fight and proceeds to get his ass handed to him.
Jake’s nerdy friend Max Cooperman (the best actor under 30 in the entire movie) convinces Jake that he needs more than boxing skills, so Max takes him to the 365 Combat Club, run by Mr. Miyag---, I mean Jean Roqua. Roqua, played by the black guy from Gladiator, is what holds this movie together. I always thought he was a good actor but this cast makes him look like Sidney Poitier (for those of you under 40, Google him).
Roqua takes Jake under his wing and trains him in mixed martial arts. The training montages are a hybrid of the Karate Kid and all the Rocky movies. That is the highest compliment I can give. I absolutely loved the training montages; there was even a scene of Jake drinking raw eggs!
Sheer genius.
So now that Jake has learned to control his temper and fight UFC style, we are ready for the inevitable payback bout with Volchok.
Apparently, in the mean streets of Orlando (the Epcot Centre is literally visible from Jake’s apartment building) the social event of the year is something called “The Beatdown.” This is where all of the toughest hombres in the area congregate for a single elimination March Madness type tournament.
This part confused me: imagine you’re at a bar, wooing a special young lady and all of a sudden you hear, “Ok it’s midnight, everyone clear the dance floor, the lights are coming on, it’s time for the Beatdown.” What the Hell? Thanks for salting my game underground fight club.
Secondly, all of these kids are supposed to be in high school. How are they getting into the bar to begin with?
“Do you have ID?”
“No sorry, I’m underage.”
“You can’t come in then.”
“But I’m here to fight in the Beatdown.”
“Oh, well why didn’t you say so. Right this way.”
“No sorry, I’m underage.”
“You can’t come in then.”
“But I’m here to fight in the Beatdown.”
“Oh, well why didn’t you say so. Right this way.”
I don’t want to spoil the ending but if you’ve seen Karate Kid or have an IQ over 48, you know how this baby finishes.
One note from the big finale: Volchok’s kicks are so violent that they cause Jake’s shaven chest to turn from flesh into an X-ray of his ribs. That is one thing I’ve never seen on an episode of House.
Summary
Acting – Atrocious
Eye Candy – Fantastic
Story – Brutal
Fight Scenes – Amazing
Training Montages – The next day, I signed up for Muy Thai lessons
Rewatchability – I want the last 30 minutes running on my computer in a continuous loop
Verdict: 3 Karate Kid Crane Kicks out of 5
Tewks writes one column a month for Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.
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