Talkin' With Tewks: 5/3/09

The boys are back in town!!

(And ready to write; you may want to print this out. We’re going to be here for awhile)

Gretzpo and I have returned from Communist paradise. The best news of all is that I didn’t break a bone; all that milk definitely paid off.

The trip was a resounding success; much better than the Dominican Republic. If my life was The Karate Kid and the two trips were the women in my life, Cuba would be Ali Mills, my new rich Californian Goddess (played by the immortal Elisabeth Shue) and the Dominican Republic would be my old, probably frumpy girlfriend Judy.

Mrs. Larusso: Is she cute?
Daniel: Oh she’s more than cute. She’s beautiful.
Mrs. Larusso: Better than Judy?
Daniel: Oh she buries Judy.
Mrs. Larusso: Buries Judy!?

The flight over was pretty uneventful; the in-flight movie was The Quantum of Solace. It was a decent flick but Daniel Craig provided inspiration for a, well there’s really no other way of saying this, homoerotic moment that will be discussed later on in the review.

Seeing how Cubans are absolutely crazy about beisbol, we were smart and packed our gloves. The first day we shirtlessly strutted (Yeah I made up an adverb) out to the beach to do a little long toss.

Sure enough, within five minutes the bartender at the beach bar was asking if he could join. Gretzpo, realizing his throwing range maxed out at 75 feet, obliged the enthusiastic comrade.

My new friend Jolandro and I proceeded to awe onlookers with throws exceeding 250 feet. It was an impressive performance and Jolandro was so enthused that he offered to take us to a cock fight.

We respectfully declined but he tried to sweeten the pot with this little nugget.

“The eyes, they come out and fall on the floor.”

Yeah, that’s what we want to see on vacation, mutilated roosters. We thanked him for the offer and he promised to take care of us the rest of the week. And he did. In spades.

Both Gretzpo and I were smitten with our waitress at the buffet. She had a beautiful smile and was one of the friendliest people we met on the trip. Her name was Yeitl.

On our third night, we decided to go to this bar regularly frequented by Cuban workers and tourists. It was built in an old abandoned cave. Yes, it was as terrifying and cool as it sounds. Also, there were lots of dark, recessed corners and long winding alleys. It was Roman Polanski’s dream bar.

I, flush with liquid courage, asked Yeitl to join. She demurred. Here is a word by word transcript of our conversation.

Tewks: Do you want to come to the cave with us tonight?
Yeitl: No I cannot.
Tewks: Come on. Please (Yes it was this pathetic).
Yeitl: No really I can’t. I would get into trouble.
Tewks: Oh, are workers not allowed to go?
Yeitl: No they can, but only if a guest invites them.
Tewks: You mean this exact situation?
Yeitl: Yes.

Well then.

I asked her how to say “You broke my heart” in Spanish (which is the impetus for the column title). Using all of my acting talent, Yeitl and I did a quick scene where we recreated the previous dialogue and I ended with “Usted Rompio Mi Corazon”. Then she laughed. A lot.

Luckily I didn’t cry until we got back to the room.

Our resort had a massive sports complex that was basically an athlete’s wet dream. I am sorry to say that Gretzpo beat me in the following sports: tennis, ping pong and pueto (a tennis/squash mix). In my defense, Gretzpo has always been much better than me in activities that involve shafts and balls.

About midweek, we had a resort softball game. For some insane reason, not only was Gretzpo picked ahead of me but I WAS PICKED LAST!!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??

Obviously, these guys did not watch me play long toss.

I channeled my rage into an MVP performance. I hit a ground rule double in my first bat and finished 6 for 6 with a number of sparkling defensive plays at shortstop and third base.

So I sure stuck it to those guys who I’m never going to see again.

In the pool bar after our team’s victory, I received my first celebrity lookalike comment. In the DR I only received one and that was for a young Tom Cruise (I’m sure she just felt sorry for my foot).

This time, the first comparison was undoubtedly the best as my tanned, shirtless body and slicked back hair led one young lady to say that I looked like Matthew McConaughey. That may have been the highlight of my life. Nevermind that the girl was so drunk she looked like Bambi taking her first steps trying to get out of the pool. In Vino Veritas.

The second lookalike comparison was Dane Cook and this was by two different groups of girls. I mean I guess he’s a good looking guy but I hate being compared to someone who sucks so bad at what they do; although they may be onto something if they took a look at my work productivity.

The third took place at our Italian a la carte dinner. This was also the first of many times Gretzpo and I were accused of being a gay couple. Now just because we traveled together, played sports together, ate romantic dinners together, had our own inside jokes, lotioned each other’s backs, napped together and kept our double beds together does not mean we are gay.

The questioning of our heterosexuality was not limited to this side of the pond either. I’m fairly certain an old British couple called us a couple of poofters.

Anyway, so we’re both hammered at dinner (two bottles of wine each, plus three hours in the pool bar) and somehow we started singing the Backstreet Boys classic “I Want it That Way.”

(Ok I’m about 60% sure I’m straight)

A big group beside us liked what they heard and started a conversation. Two of the girls said I reminded them of Stifler from American Pie; I think that was less of a looks comparison and more that they thought I was a jerk.

One of them told us it was her birthday the next day and requested that we serenade her with a ditty. Our infatuation with the majesty of song led us to respond with a resounding yes.

At the disco that night, we unveiled our signature dance. Mainly because we have no rhythm do we commit to one move on the dance floor, but it’s a guaranteed ladykiller.

Those of you who are fans of The Silence of the Lambs will know what I’m talking about. The infamous Buffalo Bill tuck dance. Here is a link to the Clerks 2 Version.

Let me clarify: it’s not an actual ladykiller; since, you know, Buffalo Bill was a serial murderer.

“Oh wait, was she a great big fat person?”

Trust me, the tuck dance is now legendary in Cuba; next stop, Dancing with the Stars.

Gretzpo and I rehearsed our song for hours and found the lucky lady after the dance show the next night. What did we do? We recreated the “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling” scene from Top Gun complete with the “Excuse me miss” intro.

By the end of the performance we had a group of 50 people watching, completely entranced with our terrible singing voices.

Basically we are forever known as the two sports playin’, man pina colada drinkin’ (no straw or fruit), tuck dancin’, afternoon nappin’, lady serenadin’, weight liftin’ quasi gay Canadians.

I'm comfortable with that.

Some of you may be wondering why I haven’t mentioned any successes with the ladies. The reason is that a true gentleman never kisses and tells.

However, there was a rumour started by Jolandro that two of the animacion team dancers had a thing for your boy Tewks. Nothing came of it, but I wasn’t disappointed; I can barely satisfy one Canadian woman, what chance do I have with two Cuban senoritas?

And now for what you’ve all been waiting for:

Everyone’s seen Casino Royale, correct? The film where Daniel Craig breathed new life into the James Bond franchise.

Remember that scene when he comes out of the water all jacked up and struts on the beach looking back and forth?

Well we were so inspired by that sequence that we walked like that everywhere on the resort. Never looking straight ahead, in a perma-flexed position, we made hearts swoon with every step (both men and women; the Daniel Craig strut does not discriminate).

For your viewing pleasure I present the following: