I had planned on making today’s foray into journalistic excellence solely about sports and the NFL divisional playoffs. Alas, that is not possible as the most compelling Jersey Shore episode ever aired last night. Not surprisingly, The Situation was heavily featured throughout.
So, what I’m going to do is partition my previews of each playoff game with my thoughts on the greatest show in the history of television. Plus, this will allow some readers to call me a homo for watching such crap, while still getting their sports fix.
Arizona Cardinals vs. New Orleans Saints
This game will actually have a chance of eclipsing the all-time points record set in the Cardinals game against the Packers last week. You have two great quarterbacks playing in a dome against suspect defences. I am expecting a shootout.
Arizona comes into the game on a roll (eerily similar to last season) while the Saints, after an unbelievable start, limped to the finish line. To pick the winner in this contest, I am going to unveil my patented playoff picking algorithm. All other things being equal, always pick the team that has the best looking quarterback.
Drew Brees has a receding hairline, a misshapen head and pasty skin. Kurt Warner has the symmetrical facial features and strong jaw line that instils confidence in subordinates and is indicative of a leader of men (much like myself).
The Pick: Arizona
Snooki was put through the emotional wringer this week. At the beginning of the episode, she let the audience know of her existential quandary in coming to the Jersey Shore house. Apparently, Snooki is studying to become a veterinary assistant at community college (which is like high school, but with more casual sex and binge drinking).
She was forced to skip her last semester of school to live at the Jersey Shore for the summer. Snooki was pretty broken up by her decision, but the meathead farm boy she was with last night shed some light on the situation (pun not intended) for her. He said that Snooki shouldn’t regret her decision because “the biggest risk in life is not taking a risk.”
She went on an MTV television show for Christ’s sake! She didn’t make the decision to go build a school in Africa. She decided to drink and party for eight week while the cameras rolled. Get a fucking grip on reality.
Baltimore Ravens vs. Indianapolis Colts
The Ravens thoroughly beat down the Patriots last week. The Colts extinguished their tremendous momentum by crapping the bed in the final two games of the season.
But, I really don’t see how Indy can lose this game. In fact, I am making it my lock of the week. Peyton Manning is on a mission this year. He wants to add a second Super Bowl ring to his fourth MVP trophy. This is his game to lose.
The Pick: Indianapolis
Is Jwoww an actual whore? I seriously cannot tell the difference between her and a regular prostitute based on her choice of clothing. I’m pretty sure most hookers would consider Jwoww’s wardrobe to be too revealing. She doesn’t even wear full articles of clothing; most of her stuff appears to be pieces of cloth clinging perilously to her fake breasts.
Sammy and Ron are the most annoying couple on TV. She is a soul-sucking girlfriend. Sammy makes me slowly lose my will to live and I only spend one hour a week with her. I can’t imagine what her insanity is doing to poor Ronnie.
Although, it now makes sense why he fights all the time; he has to take that anger out on someone. They fight, break-up and then makeup at least twice an episode. It’s horrible.
Dallas Cowboys vs. Minnesota Vikings
The Cowboys are going to reek of ‘happy to be here’ status on Sunday afternoon. Last week was their first playoff win since 1996, so expect them to have an emotional letdown.
Is there any way the Vikings lose a playoff game at home? I don’t think so.
Truthfully, this preview could be written with just two words. It’s pretty obvious who is winning this game:
Brett Favre.
The Pick: Vikings
I really enjoyed the house dinner in Atlantic City. The Situation, self-described as the “man of house” (what house is he living in?), proceeded to insult everyone at the table to prove himself worthy of Alpha Dog status. Snooki misguidedly attempted to engage The Situation in a battle of wits (and I use that term very loosely).
She got off a few good zingers, but The Situation put her in her place when he indirectly said she was fat. Sure it was a low blow, but if Snooki can’t take the heat, she should get out of the kitchen. It’s not fair that she can ridicule The Situation, but if he fires back, then he’s the asshole.
The stupidity of the entire argument was perfectly encapsulated by Sammy. She remarked that The Situation “didn’t even have the audacity to apologize to Snooki” for calling her fat.
What?
When the smartest person in the house doesn’t know the meaning of simple words, then you know you are dealing with transcendent television.
New York Jets vs. San Diego Chargers
There’s no way in hell Dirty Sanchez can replicate his performance from last weekend. He is going to leave a skidmark of epic proportions in San Diego Sunday night.
I would say the Jets have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning this game, but that would be unfair to the snowball. The Chargers have won 11 games in a row. Rex Ryan, the Jets head coach, thought his team was eliminated from playoff contention three weeks ago.
The Pick: San Diego
The Situation, Pauly D and Vinny all talk about how they pick up such hot chicks. It might be my TV screen, but every girl they’ve hooked up with is BRUTAL. I mean ugly, ugly.
These guys need to develop some standards.
Why did Jwoww need The Situation to walk her home from the bar? She was perfectly cogent and The Situation had his hands full with that ‘model’. Also, Pauly D was sitting right there too. I think The Situation gets a bad rap from his housemates.
There wouldn’t be a show without The Situation.
There was some excellent discourse provided by my avid readers in yesterday’s comments section. I have nothing to add, but I’m pleased I was able to catalyze such passionate, well-informed debate.
Mike Danton, former NHL player and the mastermind behind a failed murder-for-hire plot, has been given permission to attend Saint Mary’s University in Halifax and play on the varsity hockey team.
Wow.
Let’s tackle the ten ton ex-con elephant in the room first. I am all for giving people who have made mistakes a second chance; that is the point of the correctional system. If correctional officials believe a convict is rehabilitated, then that person has every right to be given the opportunity to become a functional member of society. Otherwise, we should just gas every person currently in prison and save the tax dollars.
“Rehabilitated? To me, it's just a made-up word, a politician's word so that young fellas like yourself can wear a suit and a tie and have a job . . . So you go on and stamp your forms, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a shit.”
I have no problem with Mike Danton going to university for an education; good for him. I am slightly concerned that he is being allowed to play on the hockey team. Hockey, and a perverse relationship with the creepy David Frost, is what led Danton down such a destructive path in the first place.
If I’m a parent of an eighteen year old kid playing hockey at Saint Mary’s, do I really want my boy in the same dressing room as Danton? For some insane reason, Danton still does not hold any ill will towards David Frost, a man accused of sexual impropriety with teenagers back in the mid 1990s.
How do we know Frost won’t be poking around the rink in the next few weeks?
I’m not sure if playing hockey is the best course of action for Mike Danton at this point.
The other issue is that some people don’t think that Danton, at 29 and with NHL experience, should be allowed to play Canadian university hockey. The CIS is not as stringent as the NCAA when it comes to eligibility and I think that’s a great quirk of Canadian college sports.
If a twenty-nine year old wants to play, he should be allowed to play. It’s as simple as that. If he’s taking courses and is registered as a student, then more power to him.
And yes, I’m just agreeing with the CIS regulations because I plan to make a university baseball comeback when I’m thirty and relive all of my post secondary glory. I may even try to live in residence.
I loved the quote from Saint Mary’s Athletic Director, Steve Sarty, who said that Danton won’t be suiting up for the Huskies right away, instead “it’s more important for us to get him acclimatized to school, used to the routine.”
Bullshit.
Like Saint Mary’s gives two shits about Danton’s education. They admitted him as a student to help them win the CIS championship and that’s it. I am actually pretty curious to see how many points Danton can score in half a season.
Can he lead the league? Will he have a mental episode? Will he team up with Alex Burrows and try to get an unfair referee killed?
Stay tuned.
It’s a telling commentary when the only comment posted on an article about Mark McGwire’s steroid use refers solely to a two paragraph discussion on The Bachelor.
Does this mean that the entire issue of performance enhancing drugs has reached its tipping point? Have people stopped caring about this? Or does everyone just assume that all players in MLB in the 1990s and early 2000s were on the juice?
Kudos to C-Szem for posting an excellent comment. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in liking The Bachelor way more than any straight man should. I love his running diary idea; however, I need to wait until more girls are eliminated and I’m left with a more manageable number. I don’t know who four of the girls are on his Vegas odds list. When we’re down to ten ladies, I’ll do it.
Also, C-Szem, I take umbrage to your declaration that you would eliminate Ashleigh, regardless of how hot she looked in her bikini, because she interrupted a conversation.
I’m calling bullshit. Next time, don’t let your wife proofread your comment before you post.
Alex Burrows is a whiny, little bitch.
I can’t believe this story is even news, but it’s made me so upset hearing about it, I feel compelled to give my take. Burrows, of the Vancouver Canucks, has accused a National Hockey League referee of calling penalties against him as payback for being shown up in a previous game.
That is the most ridiculous statement I have heard in a long time. Do you really think a referee is going to jeopardize his livelihood to ‘get back’ at some piece of shit winger no one outside of Vancouver has ever heard of?
I’m going to tell Alex Burrows the same thing Jake Taylor told Rick Vaughn, after Vaughn accused Roger Dorn of tanking a play on purpose in the first Major League: “This isn’t the California Penal League, Vaughn, we’re professionals. We don't tank plays for personal reasons, so cut the cry baby shit!”
It’s asinine that the NHL is forced to investigate this matter in the first place. Burrows has a long history of whining and complaining to referees and is well-known for taking dives. He’s indicting the referee in question for marring the integrity of the game? Burrows should think of that the next time he flops all over the ice.
Did you see Burrows’ interview on Monday explaining his side of the story? He was getting so worked up and excited, he was struggling to construct coherent sentences. At one point, I actually thought he was going to start crying. Watching that travesty, I felt like the principal of a middle school listening to a girl tell me how another girl was mean to her during recess.
Here is an approximate transcript of the interview:
“Um, like, this guy was like totally mean to me and stuff. He told me that, like, he was going to, you know, ‘get me’. Then he totally called two penalties on me that so weren’t penalties. Like, OMG. Like, I don’t think that ref, should be allowed to, you know, ref anymore. It’s not really fair to me. I can’t believe I got fined. Like Hello? Whatev. Like, I totally don’t care anyway. TTFN.”
(Please don’t ask how I know what twelve year old girls sound like. I went out for a beer with Eric Tillman and then some stuff happened. I don’t want to talk about it.)
A shocking revelation took the baseball world by storm last night. Mark McGwire, Major League Baseball’s former single season home run king, admitted to taking performance enhancing drugs during his climb up the all time home run list in the mid to late 1990s.
I can’t believe it. This is Mark McGwire we’re talking about here. He of the tree trunk like biceps and with a chest the size of a Volkswagen. He’s the last guy I would ever expect to have been abusing steroids.
Bullshit.
In other news, the sky has been determined to be blue.
McGwire’s twenty minute mea culpa was such a load of crap. The transcript of his statement to the media is inundated with words like ‘apologize’, ‘sorry’, ‘foolish’ and ‘mistake’. Sorry Big Mac, but the purpose of coming clean is so transparent, your entire tearful apology reeks of insincerity.
First of all, he is not sorry for making millions of dollars and hitting all of those home runs. Nor is he sorry for deceiving his legions of fans for the past decade. He IS sorry for having his hand forced to admit all of his past transgressions.
This apology is just the first step in McGwire’s sickeningly obvious master plan. He wants to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. Evidenced by his desultory vote totals over the past four years, the dream wasn’t coming to fruition with Big Mac keeping his mouth shut and staying out of the public eye.
Therefore, he decided to accept the hitting coach position with the St. Louis Cardinals as a way for him to get back into the game and, hopefully, the good graces of the baseball writers. The only way he could accept the position was to admit his past ‘mistakes’. Also, he naively believes that coming clean will force the Hall of Fame voters to reconsider his case.
Sorry, Mark, but you were never a good enough player to be in the Hall of Fame. Without steroids, you were just a shitty player who could hit the ball out of the ballpark at a decent frequency. Steroids made you Big Mac.
On the other hand, guys like Barry Bonds, A-Rod and Manny will be inducted into Cooperstown regardless of their PED use. They were great players before they started juicing.
My two favourite parts from McGwire’s speech:
1. He points to a rash of injuries as being the catalyst for taking steroids. I’m not a medical doctor, but the whole point of steroids is to build extreme muscle mass, at the expense of your tendons, bones and ligaments. You are more susceptible to injuries after you take steroids. Nice try though, Mark.
2. McGwire says he’s going to “do everything I can to help the Cardinals hitters become the best players for years to come. Even if that means injecting syringe needles into their asses before games” (Ok, I made up half of that quote but, be honest, it’s hard to tell which part, isn’t it?)
Since I’m discussing artificial aids to help performance, I think it’s apt to quickly discuss last night’s episode of The Bachelor (there was enough silicone on my TV screen to power, uh, a lot of stuff for which silicone is used for? Something to do with computers? I really should have researched silicone before I made that joke).
My new short list of favourites is Ali, Ashleigh (when she strolled up to Jake in that black bikini, I may have lost consciousness for a minute or two), Tenley and Elizabeth.
However, I am wavering on Elizabeth. I actually liked her rule that she won’t kiss Jake unless she’s the last remaining girl. I can respect that and it would have had me intrigued. I also would have given her a rose.
That being said, when she started playing silly buggers and asked Jake if he wanted to kiss her, and told him she was a great kisser, and planted her face six inches away from him, I started getting pissed off. I don’t like games. If Jake had any semblance of testosterone, he would have manned up and told her to stop fucking around.
I would have taken her rose back and then thrown her off a roller coaster.
I am a football genius.
Sure, I may have only gone 2-2 in my picks over the weekend, but even in the games where I erroneously picked the winner, my prognostications were essentially correct.
(I love how He Who Hits Bombs took time out of his busy schedule of touching himself and playing online poker to point out that I was 0-1 after Saturday’s early game. Also, how long is he going to keep bringing up his 2006 Ontario Batting Title? There has to be some sort of statute of limitations on such braggadocio. What have you done for me lately?)
What did Tewks say was of utmost importance for a team to win games in the postseason?
1. A quarterback who doesn’t completely suck and doesn’t kill his team with turnovers
2. A great run game
3. A stingy defence
Dirty Sanchez gave the Jets perfectly serviceable quarterback play. He wasn’t flashy, but he didn’t do anything stupid. Sanchez made short, smart passes and let his run game take care of the rest. Carson Palmer completed less than 50% of his passes and also threw an interception.
I’m going to be honest. I tried to watch this game, but it was just too boring. Neither team deserved to be in the playoffs in the first place. Dirty Sanchez and the J-E-T-S will get demolished by the Chargers next weekend.
The Philadelphia Eagles held up their end of my prediction for a low scoring game. Chunky Soup may well be the “soup that eats like a meal”, but it doesn’t win football games in January.
I think Tony Romo had an “I’m Keith Hernandez” moment on Saturday night. Remember the episode of Seinfeld when Keith Hernandez is dating Elaine and he’s nervous to kiss her after their date? He pumps himself up by running through his stats in his head and vocalizes that he’s Keith Hernandez. He then goes in for the kill and undoubtedly slips Ms. Benes the tongue. Elaine internally wonders, “Who does this guy think he is?” Answer: “I’m Keith Hernandez”.
I’ll bet Tony Romo was warming up on the field before the game and was probably a little nervous. But, then the following went through his mind: “I have intimate knowledge of both Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson’s lady parts. Being at the precipice of such earthly delights is way more nerve-wracking than a silly little football game. I’m Tony Romo.”
I was completely right about the Baltimore/New England game, except that I was wrong about which quarterback was going to blow it. Jesus, Tom Brady was terrible. You could tell that his garter was all twisted up from the first play of the game. Three INTs and a fumble? Way to lay an egg, Tommy Boy.
Joe Flacco wasn’t very good either, but he only had one turnover instead of four (Please see item #1 above). And the Ravens had 234 rushing yards (item #2).
Last night’s contest was the best game of the year, hands down. Both offences came out firing. Kurt Warner and Aaron Rodgers showed the rest of the wildcard quarterbacks how the position is supposed to be played.
I predicted 103 points to be scored and was only off by seven. I guarantee no paid football observer was as close as I was. Yes, the final score was a little closer than I expected, but here’s what I think happened.
God, I mean Brett Favre, was willing his boy Kurt and the Cards to victory at the beginning of the game (evidenced by Arizona’s lightning fast start and seventeen point lead). But, then Favre figured the game was out of hand, so he put on a pair of Wrangler jeans and went outside to play touch football with his Labrador Retriever.
His Holiness didn’t come back inside until the beginning of overtime and promptly stuck a pin into the right hand of his Aaron Rodger’s voodoo doll.
To recap, I am 2-2 thus far in the postseason with seven games remaining. And I’m just getting warmed up.
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