Jesse James
I think the only person on Jesse James’ side right now is Tiger Woods. This new sex scandal is absolutely perfect for Tiger. He can now just focus on his return to competitive golf, while the media hounds can focus their attention to, rightfully, tearing apart Mr. James.
James committed the cardinal sin when it comes to celebrity adultery. Never, under any circumstances, cheat on your significant other if he or she is more famous than you. Look, Tiger’s actions were reprehensible, but is anyone really surprised a guy with hundreds of millions of dollars in his bank account and worldwide fame wants to sleep with lots of women?
As I’ve said before, all Tiger has to do is come back and play winning golf and this scandal will eventually be forgotten. Sure, people feel bad for his wife, but no one really knows who she is. Right now, it’s only women who dislike Tiger and most women aren’t golf fans in the first place. Every guy just wants to see Tiger return and kick ass.
This is where Jesse James is screwed. He’s a complete nobody (I have literally never heard of him before this story came out) and his wife is a super famous actress who everyone loves. Seriously, who doesn’t like Sandra Bullock? She is lusted after by men and absolutely BELOVED by women. I’m not kidding. Mama and Sister Tewks were legitimately crushed when news of James’ infidelity came out.
The backlash against James will be unbelievably vitriolic. People will not forget this story as long as Sandra Bullock remains in the public eye. How do you cheat on someone like her? And with tattooed freaks? Plus, there’s nothing he can do to get back in people’s good graces. He’s toast. He threw it all away for disease-ridden sex.
What an idiot.
Mike Weir
This story is nowhere near the magnitude of the one above, but it irked me this morning nonetheless. In the first round of the Bay Hill Invitational, Mike Weir shot a 67 to be one stroke behind the leaders at Arnold Palmer’s tournament.
Apparently, Weir had skipped the tournament four years in a row at the beginning of the last decade. That’s not a big deal; most golfers don’t play every tournament on the PGA Tour schedule.
What pissed me off was Weir’s reasoning for skipping Bay Hill. He didn’t play well there earlier in his career, so he decided to stop playing because the course was too tough.
Are you kidding me?
And now, the only reason he’s back playing at Bay Hill is because tournament organizers made the course easier. How can Weir call himself a professional athlete with that type of attitude? His exact quote is “I didn’t see the point [in playing] if I couldn’t contend.” What a horrible message that sends for kids.
If you can’t play really well, don’t bother trying. In what other sport would such an admission of weakness be allowed? Can you imagine if Roy Halladay refused to pitch against the Yankees when he was with the Jays because New York’s batting lineup was too good? Or Kobe not wanting to suit up against LeBron?
I think it’s fairly obvious now why Weir hasn’t done anything since winning the Masters seven years ago. He lacks the competitive fire needed to compete at a high level. How can he call himself Canadian after making comments like that?
Tween Girls
They are ruining American Idol. They are the only people in America dumb enough to spend money texting in votes for their favourite singers and the viewing (and listening) public has to suffer the consequences.
These girls successfully ensured that four great singers were robbed of a spot in the Top 12, in favour of dweebs who look like they don’t have a drop of testosterone (or talent) in their bodies.
Furthermore, when the Top 12 was named, it was quite evident to everyone not a teenaged girl that the women were much stronger singers than the men.
What’s happening? The women are being systematically picked off while some terrible guys have remained in the competition. I can’t argue with Paige being sent home on Wednesday night. I am admittedly a horrible singer and I think I could have performed “Against All Odds” better than her.
But, there are now 6 guys and 4 girls remaining. Mark my words: Crystal and Siobhan are going to be in big trouble because tween girls have no desire to buy their records or listen to their voices. They would rather see Tim Urban stumble blandly through another song he doesn’t understand or Little Aaron mug for the cameras.
With Simon leaving after this season, this could legitimately be the end for American Idol. The performances are getting worse, not better. There are only a handful of people who even belong on that stage. You could not give me enough money to see the Top 10 on their summer tour.
What a horrible experience that would be.
Before I delve into last night’s episode of Survivor, I’d like to comment on a seminal moment in my athletic career.
I played my last game of competitive indoor volleyball last night. My knees can no longer take the pounding. The continuous jumping has wreaked havoc on my joints. If I want to continue to Crossfit and play baseball, then my volleyball days have to cease.
Of course, I will still play beach volleyball on my Caribbean vacations. Depriving the women on the island the opportunity to see me sweaty and shirtless would just be cruel.
Anyway, I ended my career as an A division champion as my team won the title in three straight games. It was a dominating performance and a fitting end to my career. Next winter, I will begin to tackle curling.
Another stellar episode of Survivor. This show just gets better and better.
The conversation between Russell and Rob at the beginning of the episode was like watching Professor Xavier and Magneto square off in a verbal joust before the inevitable physical clash (that might be the geekiest sentence I will ever write).
Has anyone noticed that, in the opening credits, every female and jacked male contestant is shown greased up in baby oil from that sliding competition a few weeks ago? It’s an underrated treat. I have Danielle’s three second clip running on a continuous loop. What a fantastic editing decision.
I loved the looks of shock on the Villains' faces when the Heroes walked into the immunity challenge avec James and sans Tom. Even the Villains know the Heroes are retarded.
Was there any doubt whatsoever that Boston Rob would win individual immunity and a hot dog feast for his tribe? The guy is absolutely incredible. At this point, I would have sex with him and not even think twice. I don’t even think it’d be a gay thing. I would just want some of his greatness to rub off on me (Ok, that was kind of gay).
The strategy espoused by both Rob and Russell last night was impressive to witness. My head hurt just trying to figure the moves each guy was trying to pull off. Rob’s misdirection of making Russell think he was going to be voted off, when Parvarti was really going, was pure genius.
Not to be outdone, Russell correctly determined the ruse and made his own counter move. Then Rob adjusted his own plan to ensure he still had the correct numbers. It was like watching a chess mach.
Colby’s apparent throwing in the towel was disheartening to watch. I agreed wholeheartedly with James’ assertion that Colby wasn’t himself: “It’s like finding out Superman is wearing a fat suit.”
Unbelievably, I found James growing on me throughout this episode. The race between James and JT was exactly like the second Apollo Creed/Rocky Balboa beach run in Rocky III. All that was missing was a homoerotic man hug in the surf.
There is nothing to be said about the Villains’ tribal council except WOW. I have no idea how Russell pulled that off, but it was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen on this show. Basically, it all boiled down to Tyson being a moron, but Russell was responsible for planting that seed.
Rob’s face after realizing Russell had gotten the best of him was priceless. He was like King Xerxes in 300. A very human chill crawled up Rob’s spine. The game is now on. Both Russell and Rob have finally found an adversary worthy of their respective talents.
The Heroes tribe just doesn’t get it. Why vote James out now? You could have both Tom and Colby and could have gotten rid of that whiny tool Amanda instead. That would be a tribe to be reckoned with. Their stupidity just astounds me.
Last Wednesday, I threw my hat into the March Madness and tried my hand at picking the first two rounds of the NCAA tournament, with the promise of revisiting my picks today.
What a horrible idea.
Out of 16 teams, I successfully predicted five making it to the Sweet 16 (Michigan State, Kansas State, Kentucky, West Virginia and Purdue). Since you’re supposed to dance with who brung ya (unless someone hotter comes along), I am sticking with four of these five to make it to the Final Four.
I’ve decided to let someone who knows a lot more about this stuff than I do take over for the Talkin’ with Tewks March Madness coverage. CSzem’s column is below. I have no idea what the hell he is talking about half the time, but it sounds smart. Unfortunately, he actually uses research, data and ‘facts’ to write his column, which goes against everything I believe in as a writer.
"Unfit in Ontario on my Sectional”
I can’t help but notice the stark contrast between the weekend that Tewks had and the weekend that I had. Saturday afternoon, while your regular blogger was competing in a challenge to be considered the Fittest Man in the World, I was competing in an epic adventure centred on drinking and gambling (or as I usually call it “Saturday”).
As Tewks has correctly pointed out, March Madness is a sacred time for people like me (support meetings are every Wednesday). Quite simply, the tournament provides a veritable smorgasbord of betting options. It’s like the Super Bowl, but spread out over 4 weeks. The most popular form of gambling this time of year is, of course, the bracket. Everyone’s got one. Your boss has one. That annoying woman from Accounting has one. Your pregnant wife has one (that’s the one that’s beating yours). This is the one with all the bragging rights. Sadly, it’s also the least lucrative of any of the gambling options (and certainly the one you’re least likely to win).
With the Sweet 16 now set, and another great weekend ahead of us, I’ll try my hand at some picks for the world to see (and ultimately ridicule). The irony of this is that Tewks makes his picks based on who’s seeded higher and/or where he’d rather go to school. My picks are derived from literally hours upon hours of watching games, breaking down stats, analyzing gambling trends, and devouring any other information I can find to make an informed decision. And our success rate will probably be nearly identical.
THE PICKS
Butler (+7) v. Syracuse
I like Syracuse to win, but I think Butler grinds it out and keeps within striking distance.
Prediction: 64-60 ‘Cuse
West Virginia (-4.5) v. Washington
Washington’s hot play from the latter half of the Pac-10 Regular Season and Conference Tournament certainly carried over into the first weekend of the tournament. It’s also entirely possible that Marquette was never any good and New Mexico, despite their nice season, simply wasn’t ready for prime time.
Prediction: 79-70 West Virginia
Kansas State (-4.5) v. Xavier
K-State was easily among the most impressive teams in the first two rounds. They’re an elite team, and can absolutely win the whole thing, especially after their in-state nemesis (Kansas) was taken out by a team led by a little white kid named Ali Falkjflakfjlkasdfjalsdfjlasdjfdlkjasflkjfasdlkasdfj.
Prediction: 81-68 K-State
Kentucky (-9) v. Cornell
5 years from now the only time any of these people will be in the same room is if John Wall needs his taxes done or DeMarcus Cousins needs an attorney to get him out of jail.
Prediction: 77-60 Kentucky
Ohio St. (-4.5) v. Tennessee
Tennessee just isn’t that good. They were lucky to beat San Diego St. and then lucked into playing Ohio. Conversely, Evan Turner is VERY good.
Prediction: 74-66 Ohio St.
St. Mary’s (+3.5) v. Baylor
The Upset Special: At the very least, St. Mary’s has the ability to keep this thing close till the end.
Prediction: 74-73 St. Mary’s
Duke (-8) v. Purdue
Would prison really be that bad, Tewks? I mean, you get your meals all taken care of, you get to exercise regularly. Sure, there is that “other thing”.....but I’m not nearly as pretty as Tewks, so I think I’d be OK. Let’s forget we talked about this.
Prediction: 68-54 Duke
Michigan St (-1.5) v. Northern Iowa
Everyone and their cousin are going to be riding Northern Iowa, completely ignoring the fact that they had never heard of them a week ago. UNI took out Kansas, Michigan St. isn’t as good as Kansas, so this should be no problem. The betting public is going to LOVE Northern Iowa. Of course, Vegas wasn’t built because the uninformed betting public has a high success rate. I think MSU guts it out and UNI doesn’t live up to their newfound expectations.
Prediction: 62-60 Michigan St.
Elite Eight
Kentucky over West Virginia, 79-77 in a thriller.
Syracuse over K-State, 74-70. The Orange’s destruction of Gonzaga brought me back on board.
Duke over St. Mary’s, 69-62. Nice run for the Gaels, but these are the big boy games now.
Ohio St. over Michigan St., 71-65. They were better in the Big-10, they’ll be better here.
I swear these predictions have absolutely nothing to do with the litany of bets I have remaining. Absolutely nothing.
Here’s what I don’t understand about Toronto Maple Leaf fans. The team is putrid; and not just a ‘they just aren’t that competitive’ putrid. I am talking about a team that is ‘once in a generation’ terrible.
That’s not even a joke. The Leafs have not been this bad since the 1980s when Harold Ballard imposed his reign of terror at the corner of Church and Carlton. Now, instead of being embarrassed at cheering for such a lacklustre product, what do Leaf fans do?
They debate and discuss which players deserve to be bestowed with the Captain’s ‘C’ with such verve and vigour that you would think they were in Rome trying to decide who should be the next Pope.
Coincidentally, both tasks involve the blowing of white smoke: in Rome, they release smoke from the Vatican to signal the selection of a new Pope. In Toronto, MLSE blows smoke up fans’ asses that the team is actually committed to, you know, winning.
The top names bandied about for Toronto’s vacant captaincy are: Dion Phaneuf, Mike Komisarek, Phil Kessel and Francois Beauchemin.
You have to eliminate Kessel right away. More so in hockey than other sports, a team needs a captain who will be vocal in the dressing room and not be afraid to get in guys' faces. From what I’ve seen of Kessel in media interviews, I don’t think he’d be comfortable speaking up at the dinner table, let alone a professional hockey locker room.
I suppose Komisarek and Beauchemin would make compelling choices, but do either of those guys scream ‘Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs’?
I agree with Brian Burke and Ron Wilson’s claim during training camp that they weren’t going to select a captain just for the hell of it. Remember, the next Leafs captain has to follow in the footsteps of Wendell Clark, Doug Gilmour and Mats Sundin. Does anyone on the current roster come close to comparing to those Leaf greats?
Phaneuf would have the most potential to be in that group, but he really needs to be a part of the organization for more than two months. Also, I would think it would be prudent to see if Dion can actually make the team better and no longer languish in last place in the Eastern Conference.
However, do these guys even want to be captain of the Leafs at this point? I wouldn’t want to be the leader of such a dysfunctional franchise. It would be akin to being named Captain of the Titanic after the original was swept up in that wave.
Who wants to be the leader of a sinking ship?
Well I am still alive. Barely.
What a crazy weekend. Click the link to this week's podcast to hear about the Crossfit Sectional in general and my performance, which I was pretty happy with considering I am terrible at some of the movements.
Talkin' with Tewks Live - Crossfit Sectional Recap
In the podcast, I discuss my hands being torn to shit, which they were from the horrible pullup bar that we had to use in the third workout. Check out the picture below to see the ghastly results.
Also, check out this Youtube clip I found of my rowing heat. I'm on the left side. I was the only guy in my heat (the first for the men) to row without a shirt on. Obviously.
I will be back next year. I have the taste for competition now. And I am not satisfied with 38th place.
One last thing, I forgot to thank everyone for the support they gave me before I embarked on this journey. I appreciate it.
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