Last week, while watching Top Gun and Cocktail on cable for the 348th and 167th times respectively, it was mentioned that I have an unhealthy infatuation with one Thomas Cruise; the worst part is I couldn’t even feign indignation at the comment.
It’s true, I love Tom Cruise. There it is.
This brings me to the main crux of today’s sermon: the phenomenon known as the "Mancrush", where seemingly straight men have schoolgirl crushes on male celebrities, athletes and pop culture icons.
To attain Mancrush status a person must possess a number of the following criteria: excessive handsomeness, a sexual organ of the penile variety (this is why David Beckham and his vagina don’t make the cut), charisma, transcendent talent or athletic ability, "coolness", fame, fortune, toughness and have laid more pipe than a second generation plumbing business.
Now for all you strapping heterosexual men out there thinking, "What is Tewks talking about? I don’t have Mancrushes; I eat red meat and watch the UFC." First of all, the UFC is a sport which includes the term "ground and pound" and has half naked guys mounting each other; it’s a rainbow flag away from being Friday night at the San Francisco YMCA.
Second, ask yourselves this: if you’ve ever watched a celebrity and thought "What a cool guy. I want to go out with him and grab a beer," then you have a Mancrush. Congratulations, welcome to a life of inferiority and questioning your sexuality.
For your reading enjoyment, I present the following: a list of my Top 10 Mancrushes.
Number 10 – Sidney Crosby
At twenty years old, Sidney Crosby is a multimillionaire, the best hockey player in the world, looked up to by thousands of kids across North America and has undoubtedly slept with more puck bunnies than the entire population of Nova Scotia.
At twenty-two years old, I have $58 in my checking account, got cut from the same hockey team eight years in a row, was asked to leave the Big Brother program and I spend Saturday nights watching soft core porn on Telemundo with Gretzpo.
The only detriment to Crosby’s Mancrush case is his youth and his subpar facial features; he looks like a Komodo dragon. With a few more years of seasoning and some high profile hookups (Is Hannah Montana 18 yet?), Sid the Kid will fly up this list.
Number 9 – Tom Brady
Many of you are probably surprised that Mr. Brady is not ranked higher on this list. I mean the guy is rich and famous, sleeps with supermodels, has a jaw you could crack walnuts on, is loved by women of all ages and plays the premier position in sports better than anyone else.
However, there is a little je ne sais quoi missing from his Mancrush resume. I’ve never really seen him produce a discernable personality; he gives vanilla responses in media interviews and he just doesn’t seem like much fun. He’d be the guy at a bachelor party in Vegas playing the penny slots with the octogenarians and drinking Bacardi Breezers, while his buddies are drinking tequila shots and getting full contact lap dances.
Number 8 – Brad Pitt
The more I think about it, Bradley is pretty much the Hollywood equivalent of Tom Brady. He possesses many of the same characteristics and also contains one minor flaw (the fact he still rings in at #8 despite this flaw speaks volumes of his greatness).
The flaw is the disturbing reality that Angelina Jolie keeps his testicles in a pickle jar in their pantry next to a jug of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood and a Jennifer Aniston voodoo doll.
Number 7 – Tiger Woods
Let us run down Mr. Woods’ case: Talent? Greatest to ever hold a golf club. Check. Wealth? Well on his way to becoming sports first $1 billion man. Check.
Women? Married to a Swedish bombshell. Check.
Fame? Has more worldwide recognition than His Airness. Check.
Tiger regularly makes the members of the CBS golf crew weak at the knees with the way he wields a flatstick. Hell, I’d give my life savings to play a round of mini golf with him.
Unfortunately, his real name is Eldrick. Therefore he can never be higher than #7 on this list.
Number 6 – Mickey Mantle
The only blemish on The Mick’s Mancrush resume is that he’s dead. When Mantle died in 1995 of liver cancer, grown men bawled like babies upon hearing that their boyhood idol was gone. Any man who can produce that type of reaction among middle-aged baby boomers is definitely in the Mancrush Hall Of Fame.
After reading his biography and watching the movie 61*, there is no denying that Mick was a legendary man and truly larger than life. The best party story of your life would be trumped by The Mick and his crew on a random Wednesday night in January. Mantle would drink two bottles of scotch, have a threesome with Marilyn Monroe and Rita Hayworth, sleep for an hour and then go out and sock a couple of dingers. Now that is the definition of a professional athlete.
Bottoms up Mick; you are the man to whom all Mancrush candidates will forever be compared.
Number 5 – Matthew McConaughey
Based on this picture, it’s pretty self-explanatory as to why this native Texan kicks off the Top 5. He pretty much defines the excessive handsomeness criterion discussed earlier (That came off much gayer than I intended).
McConaughey just seems like a cool guy. Anyone who plays the bongo drum naked is okay in my books.
Imagine hitting any club in North America as his wingman? Gorgeous women would flock like bees to honey.
You’d do more drilling than a Saudi Prince trying to strike oil.
Number 4 – George Clooney
I could leave this section blank and no one would question Clooney’s inclusion on my Mancrush list. He is, without a doubt, the epitome of cool. He is basically a modern day Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra rolled into one (minus the ability to sing and the rumours of domestic violence).
Little known fact, Clooney’s Danny Ocean (one of the most charismatic characters in movie history) from the Ocean’s Eleven franchise wasn’t an act. He thought all the cameras were filming a documentary for an A&E Biography; Clooney was just partying with Brad Pitt in Vegas one last time before Angelina Jolie had him neutered.
Unfortunately Clooney is just a little too revered by both men and women to warrant a higher ranking. I don’t know if I’d want to hang out with him for too long; within a month all your friends would like him more than you and he will have slept with every female to ever come in contact with you. The worst part is you couldn’t even be mad at the guy because he’s so damn likable.
Number 3 – Tom Cruise
A small selection of Mr. Cruise’s filmography from 1983-1992: Losin’ It, Risky Business, All the Right Moves, Cocktail, Top Gun, Days of Thunder and A Few Good Men. It is an absolute Murderer’s Row of cinematic greatness.
The best part is that he played the same character in every single film: an arrogant, cocksure playboy who seduced any woman in sight all the while having a shit-eating grin stapled to his face for two hours. Needless to say, I’m a big fan.
Who wouldn’t want to hang out with Joel Goodsen, Lt. Pete Mitchell or Brian Flanagan? The best compliment I’ve ever received was from a woman (she was drunk but hear me out) who told me that I looked like a young Tom Cruise.
However, Tommy only comes away with the bronze for three reasons: 1. He’s 5’3", 2. For that sickening display on Oprah’s couch, 3. For Scientology (I don’t like things I don’t understand).
Many people don’t like Tom Cruise because they think he’s insane. I don’t blame the guy; imagine being constantly told how great you are and never being told no your entire adult life? There’s no way you can remain normal after that. If I had that level of fame, I’d have my own E! True Hollywood Story within six weeks.
Number 2 – Sylvester Stallone
Sly personifies toughness and rugged manliness. Sure, he may be 61 years old but there is a 100% chance he could kick your ass in one of two ways: either with a strategically placed Rambo arrow through the skull or a well-timed Rocky roundhouse punch to the kidneys. Here is a sample of Stallone quotes from the Rocky and Rambo franchises to prove that he is the toughest son of a bitch alive:
"You knock him down, how about tryin’ knockin’ me down"
"Hey Tommy, I didn’t hear no bell"
"My ring’s outside"
"To beat me, he’s going to have to be willing to die and I
don’t think he’s ready to do that"
"Live for nothing or die for something"
"You know what you are, what you’re made of. War is in your blood. When you’re pushed, killing’s as easy as breathing"
Why isn’t Sly #1? Well, I agonized over this decision for days, but I couldn’t bring myself to put Stallone at #1 when he’s walking around passing that Halloween mask off as his face. What’s going on there? He looks like he’s melting.
That only leaves . . .
Number 1 – Kevin Costner
Costner, or K-Cost as his close friends call him, is unequivocally the franchise player in Tewk’s Mancrush lineup. Let’s revisit the criteria for attaining Mancrush status and see how K-Cost holds up under intense analysis.
Excessive Handsomeness – Exhibit A above.
Charisma – He literally sweats charisma. Calvin Klein is rumoured to be turning it into a cologne.
Transcendent Talent or Athletic Ability – Costner won two Oscars for Dances with Wolves and is the greatest actor athlete of all time. For proof, check out his swing from Bull Durham, his pitching mechanics in For Love of the Game, his golf game in Tin Cup and even his swimming ability in The Guardian.
"Coolness" – His "cool" quotient was once measured at 7 Kelvins.
Fame – If he’s making an appearance on this blog he’s famous.
Fortune – He has his own jet.
Toughness – He was Wyatt Earp for Chrissakes!
Pipe Laying – I think it goes without saying that Costner is no stranger to the female form. It was even rumoured that he had an affair with Cal Ripken’s wife while the Ironman was putting the finishing touches on his consecutive games streak. A story like that has to be true.
As you can see, there are no weaknesses in Costner’s Mancrush resume. So if anyone out there knows K-Cost, can you show him this article and let him know that I’d be more than willing to help him move or drive him to the airport.
Do you agree with this list? Did I leave anyone out? Post your thoughts to the Comments section.
Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.
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