As always, my liberal readers got their panties in a twist over yesterday’s article. They took time out their busy schedule of hugging trees and having trust falls with endangered seals to misconstrue my commentary on the use of trash talk in sports and turn it into a tired debate of racism and acceptance. Way to make a mountain out a mole hill.
AG, you are a self-professed non-athlete and have never participated in organized sports. I don’t care what happens in the workplace; I was talking about insults and epithets in sports. I don’t know anything about technology or high finance, therefore I don’t comment on those topics. Leave the sports discussion to people who know what they are talking about.
K-Star, next time put down the John Lennon ‘Give Peace a Chance’ liner notes and develop an original opinion. Political correctness will lead to a world without war? Seriously? Your comment was so saccharine that I needed a shot of insulin after I read it.
Now onto more important matters: last night was the season finale of the Jersey Shore. I wasn’t going to let such a monumental moment in history go by without a live recap. Here are my real time thoughts of last night’s episode:
10:00 – I had a thorough session of GTL (gym, tan, laundry for those of you who aren’t cool) in preparation for tonight’s show. In the immortal words of Pauly D, you always need to be fresh.
10:01 – How was Ronnie acting in self-defence? He ran 200 metres down the street and one-punched some poor schmuck. Exactly what threat did that guy pose to you? Other than correctly informing you that your girlfriend dresses like a whore.
10:02 – “Should I call 911?” Yes, Snooki call 911 because your juicehead roommate punched some guy in the face. That is the definition of an emergency. Jesus, what a ruh-tard.
10:04 – Ronnie had to control ‘the situation’. How does he have enough money for bail? Did the camera guy have to stay there with him? I have so many questions. Is it too much to ask that Ronnie got sodomized during his three hour incarceration? It’s only fair that he be on the receiving end of a ‘smush’.
10:11 – “This is what happens at the Jersey Shore.” Really? Somehow I don’t think the Garden State will put that on a license plate: come to Seaside Heights and get your head caved in.
10:12 – The Situation has the worst batting average of any guy I have ever seen. This proves the theory that getting a girl’s number means nothing. Most of these chicks probably just gave him some digits to get rid of him. Has The Situation ever hooked up with or even met a girl who wanted to be around him the next day?
10:13 – Why do they need dates? They aren’t going to a Broadway show. They’re going to the beach for Christ’s sakes! This is literally a case of ‘you don’t bring sand to the beach.’ I would think The Situation would know better. I love how he went from ‘I’m getting dates for all of us’ to ‘Uh, we don’t want outsiders coming with us anyway’ when he realized that none of his ‘ladies’ would answer his calls. Nice save.
10:17 – Why does the viewer disclaimer at the end of each commercial warn of mature subject matter? Scenes of sexuality and coarse language I can see, but mature is the last word I would use to describe this show.
10:18 – “Steroid, growth hormone juiceheads–that’s the kind of guy I am into.” Who else but Jwoww would say something like that? Way to set the bar high, girl. “Where are the gorillas?” I feel like I’m watching Animal Planet right now.
10:19 – “Thin is in”. I agree with The Situation. No roids for Tewks, just Crossfit.
10:20 – “I make my way over to some cute girl and do what I do best—Pimpin’.” You and me both The Situation, you and me both.
10:21 – Apparently, The Situation’s definition of fun involves statutory rape. However, to his credit, the beach babe is probably the hottest chick I have seen on this show all season. Nice, little caboose on her. She is ripe for an Eric Tillman.
10:22 – Snooki, you might want to start chasing guys. Beggars can’t be choosers, my dear.
10:24 – Snooki is built like the Penguin from Batman Returns. Why is she dancing on the boardwalk by herself? I wish people would have started throwing change at her.
10:25 – “Come back to my house! I miss you!” “NO!” Fantastic. An MVP performance by Snooki’s ex-boyfriend. I love how his face was blurred out; probably because he was embarrassed to admit that he dated her in the first place. I don’t blame him. I couldn’t picture sleeping with Snooki. It would be trying to have sex with a mini fridge.
10:30 – I think The Situation, Pauly D and Vinny are going to make out here. What a touching moment.
10:31 - Oh, this romantic dinner is going to be painful. I hate these two. STOP SAYING LIKE. Fuck, Sammi is a moron.
10:33 – “I’m not having a girl over; I’m hanging out with the roomies”. Way to fall on your sword for housemates. I love how The Situation made it sound like he made the choice not to have some chicks over. Sure thing, pal. I’m pretty confident that if a girl called right now and wanted to bang, he’d desert these people in a heartbeat.
10:38 – Vinny, those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. We saw the old broad you were hooking up with. I’d rather have the bulldog.
10:40 – I don’t know who is more desperate between The Situation and Snooki. It might be a tie.
10:41 – God, I really don’t want to see her naked.
10:41 – Gross.
10:42 – Wow, The Situation showed a brief moment of human decency. However, I bet he just realized how bad Snooki’s body actually is. I hoped she waited in the hot tub for him till the sun came up.
10:45 – Jesus, these people have known each other for six weeks at the Jersey Shore. They didn’t serve overseas together. The melancholic atmosphere makes me want to puke. Someone punch someone or get a group orgy going.
10:47 – The fist pump montage made me smile. It's a fight against the beat.
10:48 – “This is something I’ll cherish for the rest of my life.” And what is that, Ronnie? Jail? Chlamydia?
10:53 – “I ran the house from start to finish”; “It was my world”; “I took what I wanted (except, you know, sex with girls).” In what parallel universe is The Situation living in to make these comments with a straight face?
10:54 – Holy shit, Ronnie is short. I don’t think he’d be allowed to ride the Teacups at Disneyland
10:55 – Yeah, Sammi did make out with both The Situation and Ronnie on one night. How are we glossing over the fact that Sammi’s a tramp?
10:55 – Could a Jersey Shore wedding between Ronnie and Sammi be in the offing? Wedding fist pump.
10:59 - “Get crazy, get wild, lets party, get loud, if you wanna have then do something, if you wanna have fun then do something . . . CRAZY”. What a great song. It better get nominated for a Grammy.
Wow. What an experience. I don’t have enough energy to cover the reunion show. I sincerely hope this isn’t the last time North America hears from everyone’s favourite guidos and guidettes.
Football Playoff Picks:
Indianapolis Colts vs. New York Jets
The clock is about to strike midnight on Dirty Sanchez and the Jets Cinderella run.
The Pick: Indianapolis
Minnesota Vikings vs. New Orleans Saints
Hurricane Katrina vs. Brett “The Messiah” Favre. Something’s gotta give.
The Pick: New Orleans
Current Record: 4-4
Another article in the Toronto Star has provided the impetus for today’s column. This story was on the front page of the sports section and, as soon as I read the title, I knew that it would draw my ire.
What was it? ‘School pulls plug on hockey team after on-ice slur.’
Once again, the politically correct police has reared its ugly head in an effort to make this world a bastion of sugar plums, sunshine, teddy bears and rainbows. No wonder our grandfathers are so concerned with the state of the world. This era of political correctness has contributed to the “wussification” of society.
You wouldn’t have to listen to bullshit like this seventy years ago. Do you know why? Because people had more important things to worry about—like World War II.
Apparently, a member of the Thomas A. Blakelock Tigers used a discriminatory slur against a player of Middle Eastern descent in mid December.
To which I reply: who gives a shit?
Trash talk is an integral component in all sports. What better way to gain an edge on the field of battle then by engaging your opponent in a war of words? You play to win the game. If your opponent is mentally weak and susceptible to verbal taunts, by all means unleash hell.
If a player can’t ignore on field taunts or derisive verbal blows, that’s his problem. He’s not mentally tough enough to play the game.
In this case, the decision was made suspend operations of the Tigers hockey team for the remainder of the season. Now, the article discusses a previous incident of inappropriate behaviour that resulted in three players being kicked off the team. Also, Blakelock was involved in a number of on-ice altercations earlier in the season.
If the racial slur was considered to be the straw that broke the camel’s back and the principal of the school was just looking for a reason to shut down the team, I can understand that point of view.
However, the principal, Kevin Caughlin, said that “he understand[s] it’s an emotional game. But race, sexual orientation or any other harassment is not part of the game.”
What if a player tells an opponent that he plays hockey like a girl? Is that considered to be gender harassment? What if a player tells an opponent that he is a pussy for not fighting? If that hurts the target’s feelings, is a suspension warranted?
Do you see how stupid and ridiculous this all is?
I can give you a personal example. In university, I was pitching in a close game in the playoffs. There was a runner on second with two outs. The baserunner started disparaging Mama Tewks, saying plenty of things that I don’t want to reprint here. Did I call time and cry to the umpire that his words made me sad? Of course not. Was their malicious intent behind the player’s words? No, he was just trying to get me to lose focus (I didn’t; I struck the batter out).
What’s more is that I transferred to my opponent’s school the next year and he was one of my closest friends on the team. Trash talk is a part of the game. Lighten up, people.
However, these kids do need to learn to make these comments away from the prying ears of the referees. When I played hockey, the refs would laugh at such comments. Now they have to ‘take a stand’.
The Star article gave two examples of slurs used last hockey season. In one case, a fourteen year old used the following to taunt an opponent: “Shouldn’t you be out blowing up buildings or something?”
That’s genius. That would definitely piss someone off and maybe entice them to take a stupid penalty.
The other comment involved a sixteen year old calling an opposing goalie “a dumb fucking Jew.” That one’s not as clever. I prefer a little more subtlety with more insults. Try to get a little creative.
I might have asked for financial advice, or maybe make a reference to a Ponzi scheme etc. Or just feign surprise and say “I didn’t know you guys could even play sports.”
Ba-dum-cha.
Once again, CSzem really stepped up to the plate and provided more fantastic commentary on The Bachelor. I implore anyone who is a fan of the show to check out the Vegas odds and his thoughts on the remaining ladies.
Truthfully, Entertainment Weekly or a website of that ilk should really start paying us to recap this show. By dissecting each episode from a male’s perspective, we are providing insight that is impossible to find on typical, estrogen-fest message boards.
Here’s my public offer to CSzem. When The Bachelor airs the episode with the overnight or hometown dates (the final four?), we should do a podcast the next day to discuss it. Now, I’m not nearly smart enough to know how to do a podcast, but if you can figure out the technology, we need to make this happen. It’s time to bring this blog into the 21st century. Is there a better way to start than by talking about The Bachelor for thirty minutes on a Tuesday morning? I don’t think so.
Let me know your thoughts, CSzem.
Today, I wanted to discuss an issue that has vexed me for some time. On the front page of the Toronto Star, there is an article accusing an elementary school teacher of having a sexual relationship with a student.
Unfortunately, incidents like this are not uncommon. What I find unusual about this story is the characters involved. Usually, an inappropriate sexual relationship between an adult and a minor involves an older man and a young girl.
This is because men are disgusting perverts. Also, some men become enamoured with the eroticization of young girls. Basically, it’s the Lolita effect. Why do you think Britney Spears and Anna Kournikova were so popular when they first burst onto the scene? Here were two young, very attractive girls that looked and dressed like women, but were minors.
The horndogs in the mainstream media covered those two incessantly and it wasn’t because they were talented. This is also the reason why there were a number of websites devoted to a countdown of the Olsen Twins’ 18th birthday. The lesson: men are pigs.
What I don’t understand is the sexual relationships where the adult is female and child is male. Seeing a woman prey on a minor seems completely out of character.
So, I think of the reasons why adults would try to coerce a minor into having sex in the first place. Most likely, they do this because they are unable to attract members of the opposite sex in their own age bracket. They go for a child to use their position of authority to get what they want. That makes sense from a creepy old dude’s perspective.
Typically, women don’t have that problem. If a woman really wants a man, she can get one. I don’t care how ugly or homely she is, somewhere there is a guy who will sleep with her. So, for any inappropriate relationship between a woman and a boy, the woman must be a dog, right?
This where the Toronto Star story is so confusing: the teacher in question is a babe. A total cougar. Why does she need to have sex with a student? Why go after a prepubescent boy when you could have a virile stud like Tewks?
Does the kid in question have an unparalleled game? How did he pull this off? I need more information.
I couldn’t get girls my own age to sleep with me in school, let alone a smoking hot teacher. I probably would have gotten much better grades if I had a proverbial carrot like that dangling in front of me.
Cheers to education.
I really wish real life gave people an option to file for arbitration. What a fantastic tool to have at one’s disposal when looking for greater compensation. For example, I don’t think I am compensated well enough for the limited and ineffective work I actually do. I should be able to take the people who give me money to an arbitration court to plead my case.
Basically, I would have to convince the arbitrator that I am worthy of an exorbitant amount of money, while my employers would try to lowball me and tell the arbitrator how bad I am at everything I do.
The arbitrator would then choose between our offers and award me the salary deemed most reflective of my talents and abilities. All I have to do is sweet talk an arbitrator and then I’ll get what I want? Piece of cake. I’d just show up to the arbitration hearing without a shirt on (maybe greased up with some massage oil) and the arbitrator, man or woman, would have no choice but to side with Tewks.
Arbitration is most prevalent in Major League Baseball. Players eligible to file for arbitration are those who do not yet have enough years of service to test the free agent waters.
Shaun Marcum filed for arbitration and reached a deal with Blue Jays general manager, Alex Anthopolous, before attending an arbitration hearing. That’s another positive benefit of arbitration. Most teams don’t want to go through the hassle of appearing before an arbitrator, so they work to get a deal done ASAP.
Marcum signed a one year deal for $850,000. Last year he made $400,520. How many innings did Marcum pitch for the Jays in the 2009 season? Zero.
I’m confused.
Marcum got a one hundred percent raise and he didn’t even play last year. Does he have naked pictures of Anthopolous clubbing a baby seal or something? How the hell do you give a guy who did nothing all year more money?
I may not be a business mogul, but I’m fairly certain that you shouldn’t double someone’s salary when zero services have been rendered. That would be analogous to a book publisher telling me the following:
“Tewks, I know you’ve never written a book before. But, your book has a possibility of being really good. Therefore, instead of us publishing the manuscript and giving you a percentage of total sales, a low risk option, we’re going to give you a $1 million advance instead.”
Actually, you know what. That’s exactly what should happen. Forget I said anything.
The Bachelor . . .
Jake has finally become a man, and not a moment too soon.
But first, when I saw him hyperventilating and practically in tears before the bungee jump, I almost stopped watching the show entirely. It was excruciating to watch. At one point, he had his arm around the bungee jump guy and his head buried in Vienna’s shoulder.
It was one of the most emasculating things I have ever seen in my life. At that moment, I sincerely believe Jake’s penis reverted into itself and became a rudimentary vagina. Just a sickening display.
However, Jake completely redeemed himself in the second hour. Crazy Michelle was pulling her regular Fatal Attraction-like mating ritual when she basically forced Jake to kiss her. Then, she admonished him for not kissing her passionately enough. Jake just sat there and took the abuse. Next, Michelle, for the second time, threatened to leave, but said she would stay “if Jake asked her to.”
What happened?
Jake magically grew a spine. He became as angry as his boring personality would allow and told Michelle to hit the road in the middle of a group date. It was fantastic. The other women practically climaxed at Jake’s first display of testosterone.
Jake’s transformation to a real man was complete with the smackdown he laid on Elizabeth. Once again, she tried to play games by asking for a back rub, getting all touchy feely, and saying how she wanted to kiss him. But, she refused to kiss him.
Jake finally called bullshit. He correctly determined Elizabeth was a tease and said so to her face. He told her he wasn’t going to put up with her shit anymore. She, as a moron, incorrectly assumed Jake was pissed because she wouldn’t kiss him.
No. He was pissed because you were trying to play games and be a bitch. I was literally yelling at the TV screen during this segment. It’s a good thing I am not the bachelor. I would have sent that broad home in tears. Scorched earth policy.
Jake sent Elizabeth packing and put the rest of the ladies on notice; any bullshit and you’re history. This season just got a little more interesting.
My new top 3:
1. Ali
2. Tenley
3. Ashleigh
Next week I am writing a live recap of the show. It’s going to be historic.
I have no idea what I did to draw the ire of the New York Jets organization, but they are making it their personal mission to make me look like an idiot this winter.
For the second week in a row, a Jets unfathomable victory stopped me from posting a 3-1 record in my playoff picks. As it is, I am 4-4 heading into the conference championships next weekend.
New York certainly has some tremendous momentum heading into the AFC championship. Plus, they’ve been on the receiving of a number of fortuitous breaks that makes me think otherworldly forces are at play in their recent success.
As we all know, “destiny has never won a gold medal” and “with five seconds left, destiny panics”, but there is something (fate?) that is helping the Jets along in this improbable playoff run.
New York shouldn’t have been in the playoffs in the first place. They had to win the final two games of the regular season against the 14-0 Colts and the Cincinnati Bengals just to be considered for a playoff spot.
What happened?
Indy took a dive by playing their second string quarterback in the last twenty minutes of the game, allowing the New York to squeak out a come from behind victory. It’s not like New York even played that well. The Colts QB, Curtis Painter, laid an egg of epic proportions. He literally looked he had never played the game of football before. I wouldn’t trust the guy to parallel park my car, let alone run an NFL offence.
Then, the Bengals tanked the regular season finale, barely putting up a fight in a dominating Jets victory. Even with both of those cheap victories, New York still needed some other AFC teams to lose so the Jets could leapfrog them in the standings. Of course that happened, and the Jets earned a wildcard playoff berth against those same Bengals.
The Jets played well in their playoff victory over the Cincinnati, but they were aided by two field goal misses by Cincinnati’s kicker. And the misses weren’t even close or from an imposing distance. They were two complete shanks from a distance regularly eclipsed by ten year olds girls in the NFL’s Punt, Pass and Kick competition.
The same script was written against the Chargers last night. San Diego’s kicker, Nate Kaeding, missed THREE field goals. How is that possible? That is fifteen points that New York’s playoff opponents have left off the board in two games.
Is the Jets field goal defensive unit that intimidating? If I was Matt Stover, the Colts kicker, I would have trouble sleeping all week. What is it about the Jets that makes kickers even bigger pussies and head cases than normal?
Dirty Sanchez played worse than he did against the Bengals, but still found a way to lead his team to victory. Say what you want about the kid (he sucks), but he flat out wins football games. In his first postseason, he has already won more playoff games than Joe Namath did in his entire career (Wow. How overrated was Broadway Joe?).
Jets head coach, Rex Ryan, has supreme confidence in his team that borders on outright arrogance. That attitude has obviously rubbed off on his charges as New York is playing with the swagger of a Super Bowl contender. Some media members have derided Ryan for being too cocky.
Who gives a shit? I think that’s a great attitude. He’s not disparaging other teams and he’s instilling a belief in his team that they can do the impossible. And so far, they have.
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