Let’s all just breathe a collective sigh of relief.
Ah. Ok, there we go. All better?
What a great game by Canada and Switzerland last night. I definitely did not expect such an entertaining contest between the Canucks and the Swiss. It’s rare that Olympic hockey provides great theatre this early in the tournament.
My nerves were frayed throughout the overtime period, which doesn’t bode well for our inevitable gold medal showdown with the Big Red Menace (Russians are still communists, right?).
For all of you Canadian pessimists out there saying that Team Canada stinks and we’re never going to win a medal, I demand that you, to borrow a line from James in last night’s episode of Survivor, keep your mouth shut.
Canada played extremely well last night, but they just ran into a white-hot goalie. The team will be fine. Kid Crosby put the team on his back in the shootout and I guarantee he will not let this country leave the Olympics without a gold medal.
Those of you not willing to take my advice, listen to Phil Esposito.
However, I am slightly concerned with the amount of ice time Chris Pronger has gotten thus far. He looks too old and too slow. He can’t keep up with the speed of the game. Plus, Pronger doesn’t have the temperament to play international hockey as he can’t keep his aggressiveness in check. Basically, he’s like Terry Funk in Road House.
I am in love with women’s alpine skiing and long track speed skating for two reasons: A. I legitimately find that the competitions make compelling television and 2. I am strongly aroused by the athletes.
I don’t know if it’s the tight, Lycra suits or not, but I cannot get enough of these women. The media is fawning over Lindsay Vonn for being a sex symbol (which she is), but I really like her fellow American, Julia Mancuso. She’s a stone cold fox.
I know the speed skaters look androgynous, but check them out after a race when they take their glasses off and let down the hair. They are gorgeous women. It’s like in a porno when the mousy librarian takes off her glasses and unties her hair. It’s always the women you least expect who are the hottest.
I’ve been brainstorming the last five minutes to come up with a funny sex joke involving skiing or speed skating, but I’ve got nothing (something involving poles, giant slalom and leg angles?). Post any suggestions to comments.
I will quickly touch on last night’s episode of Survivor (full blown recaps to come once the Olympics are over).
If nothing else, last night proved that Boston Rob is the greatest player in the history of Survivor. He had a huge target on his back right from the start, everyone on his tribe was worried about him and now they can’t stop admitting how great he is. One broad (Courtney?) flat out said they’d be useless without him.
Rob is a puzzle master and he is surprisingly competitive in the physical challenges as well. Plus, he’s the funniest person on the island. The only problem I have with Rob is that he’s fat now. What happened? Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was part of his plan. It’s common knowledge that contestants lose a ton of weight throughout the season (and their performance suffers as a result). Rob probably packed on some extra pounds so he’d be at a fighting weight once the tribe members start to dwindle.
Pure genius.
I hate James. Who the hell does he think he is berating Stephenie like that? Obviously, it was just a case of Roid Rage.
How great was it to see Tom and Colby upbraid for James for his immature behaviour. Tom is the best. He needs to take James out to the woodshed and teach him some respect.
My mancrushes on Tom and Colby are at maximum capacity right now.
Have a great weekend.
The Winter Olympics make blog writing so easy. All I have to do is pick out a couple of things that drew my interest over the previous twenty-four hours and make some humourous or witty observations. Boom. Finished.
(Then I can go back to staring at my reflection in the mirror)
I forgot to add something to yesterday’s post and I was reminded of it watching Maelle Ricker’s victory ceremony last night.
Did you see the horrible rendition of ‘O Canada’ during the opening ceremonies? My God, it was absolutely terrible. I refuse to post the name of the singer lest I give her free promotion for her offensive caterwauling.
I don’t understand why every singer tries to turn a national anthem performance into an American Idol audition. Just sing it straight, with passion and conviction. There’s no need for contrived runs and over-pronunciation of the lyrics.
I’d rather listen to 20,000 people singing ‘O Canada’ at the top of their lungs than listen to professionals try to ‘make it their own.’
The Canadian women’s hockey team continued their assault on the rest of the world with a 13-1 drubbing over Sweden last night. They’ve outscored their opponents 42-3 in three games thus far.
This is an embarrassing situation for the IOC. Women’s hockey is a joke. If the sport cannot field more than two competitive entrants, then it does not belong in the Olympics. I’m sick of hearing the Canadian women complain that there’s a double-standard and the men’s game started out this way and the World Juniors have analogous blowouts.
Sorry, ladies, but your argument is flawed. The first women’s world hockey championship took place in 1990; the women’s international game is not ‘starting out.’ Furthermore, the discrepancy between North America and the rest of the world is widening, not narrowing.
Yes, the World Juniors have some blowout scores, but there are also 5-6 teams who have a realistic shot of winning the gold. Is there any chance the Canadian or US women won’t meet in the gold medal game? Nope.
No one even cares about the women until the gold medal game because everyone knows the round robin is an embarrassment to the sport.
Speaking of embarrassment, Team Canada needs to learn how to win with class. I watched the highlights of the game versus Sweden and the women full-out celebrated the 10th and 12th goals.
Are you kidding me?
You are crushing a team by double digits and have the audacity to thrust your arms into the air and wildly celebrate a meaningless goal?
Act like you’ve scored before, for Christ’s sake.
Watch this video of Bobby Orr. Not once does he raise his arms after he scores a goal.
That’s the Canadian way.
My patriotism has been called into question with my lack of Olympic-related content thus far. First of all, it’s not my fault that the Games fell on a three day weekend when I don’t post new material.
Second, the accusation that I am not wrapped up in a nationalistic fervour for the Vancouver Olympics is completely facetious. I’ve been bleeding red and white since Friday night’s opening ceremonies.
Plus, as we all know, the Olympics don’t start in earnest until the Men’s hockey team takes the ice for the first time. Since that happened last night, here are some notes on the first four days of competition.
Great start by the boys against the Norwegians last night. Once they stopped trying to be too cute and make the perfect pass, Team Canada pretty much imposed their will on their opponents.
Watching Norway’s goaltender stonewall Canada throughout the first period made me think of the movie 300. Why? One of the broadcasters mentioned that Norway’s goalie was actually a carpenter by day. Many of the Norwegians don’t play hockey for their primary source of income; can you imagine Sidney Crosby working as a lifeguard or something to make ends meet in the offseason?
The situation is analogous to the scene in the movie when King Leonidas and his 300 soldiers were met by Daxos and the Arcadian army. The Arcadians were shocked at the small number of Sparta’s fighting force. Leonidas asks some of the Arcadians what they do for a living. Some of the answers: potter, blacksmith etc.
Then Gerard Butlers asks, “Spartans! What do you do for a living?”
HAROO! HAROO! HAROO!
“You see old friend, I’ve brought more soldiers (hockey players) than you.”
Hmm, that was a little bit convoluted. I guess what I’m trying to say is Norway is Arcadia and Canada is Sparta. I hope that doesn’t mean Russia is Persia.
I’m happy with Canada’s medal output thus far. We have five medals through four days of competition. Plus, from everything I’ve read, the last week is where we are supposed to do the most damage in the medal standings.
How great was Alexander Bilodeau’s performance in the moguls to win Canada’s first ever gold medal on home soil?
The victory ceremony where he received his medal was one of the most moving things I’ve ever seen on television (non-nudity division). Hearing the crowd sing the national anthem while the Canadian flag was being raised gave me goosebumps. There may have been a wetness in my eyes as well.
I love the patriotism this country has shown thus far. We’re no longer playing the gentle Canadians happy to be invited to the Olympics. We’re out for blood and gold.
It’s fantastic.
This is the first live Bachelor recap where I know the readership will include more people than just CSzem. It’s an exciting time. Truthfully, it was getting a little pathetic at how serious we were taking this show, so it’s nice to know that more readers are benefiting from our sexual ambiguity.
In order to be more welcoming to my burgeoning, pregnant fan base, I took it upon myself to do some research at The Bump to further my understanding of ladies with child.
Yikes.
I feel like I opened Pandora’s box. The gals certainly don’t hold anything back in the comment boards. I didn’t know what the hell they were talking about half the time. I probably should have paid more attention in health class, but I stopped listening once I found out where the penis goes.
One more thing before we get started, instead of retreating back to The Bump to discuss tonight’s episode, feel free to post questions/comments at the end of this column (about the show in general or my recap).
Sound good?
8:03 – St. Lucia kind of looks like Jurassic Park. I would pay $500 for a velociraptor to eat Vienna in this episode.
8:07 – I almost forgot how big of a pussy Jake has been all season. He’s an embarrassment to men everywhere. “Tewks, you mean embarrassing like a straight man writing a two hour live recap of each Bachelor episode?” Touché.
8:13 – “I didn’t even know you were coming!” I’m sure that’s not the first time Jake has said that.
8:16 – “I will wear this necklace on my wrist for the rest of my life.” Human anatomy aside, I sincerely doubt Gia will still be wearing that two dollar piece of crap after she’s sent home.
8:17 – Gia’s breasts: real or fake? I hope real because, to borrow a line from Seinfeld, finding out those babies are made of silicone would be like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat.
8:21 – Jake and Gia are in ‘Smuggler’s Cove’? Is this a Hardy Boys’ novel?
8:25 – Gia’s voice is grating. She sounds like Lambchop.
8:27 – Fantasy Suite card! Now, we’re turning things up a notch.
8:28 – Gia accepts! I hope Jake bangs all three of them tonight. If I was on this show, I’d want the Fantasy Suite cards given out when I had fifteen women left.
8:29 – “Gia has grabbed hold of my heart so hard.” I honestly believe that Jake uses ‘heart’ as a euphemism for ‘penis.’ It’s like Mad Libs.
8:36 – Mama Tewks just brought up a good point. Does Tenley know that Jake nailed Gia the night before?
8:39 – Here’s a Bachelor drinking game: take a shot every time Tenley mentions her ex-husband. You’d be dead from alcohol poisoning before the end of the first hour.
8:40 – Tenley looks amazing in that black bathing suit. I will excuse her blandness and complete absence of personality as along as she stays dressed like that.
8:50 – Tenley’s actually going to spend the night with him? And the plot thickens. How many bases will Jake get? You’d have to think he’d be good for at least a double.
8:51 – Is this the same room where he slept with Gia? I hope they changed the sheets.
8:57 – Did Vienna really just use the word ‘affirmation’? Well, we now know she can read off a teleprompter.
8:59 – Vienna has quite the pair of thunder thighs. She looks like a walrus flopping around this pirate ship.
9:06 – What are the odds Vienna doesn’t accept the fantasy suite card? 5,000 to 1? 1,000,000 to 1?
9:08 – “Do you like thin bands or thick bands?” Something tells me Jakey isn’t packing much a wallop downstairs. Plus, it’s quite obvious that Vienna is pretty, uh, ‘elastic’, so Jake’s preparing her for a disappointment once he gets his pants off.
9:12 – Does Jake even have enough lead in his pencil to have sex with three women in three days?
9:13 – Vienna’s lingerie looks like a sheet from a queen size bed.
9:18 - Ali is so beautiful. Like an angel riding a unicorn on a rainbow.
9:21 – “You drove away with a piece of my heart (penis).”
9:22 – How can Jake honestly like Vienna or Gia more than Ali? Someone really needs to explain this to me.
9:29 – Oh, Chris Harrison shows up for his weekly four minutes of work. What a sweet gig. What would we do without him? He’s like a poor man’s Jeff Probst.
9:41 – I would fast forward through these personal messages. BORING. I hope someone takes their top off.
9:46 – Wow. I’d get rid of all three of them and keep Gia’s breasts. They look fantastic.
9:47 – Of course it was a great week for you, Jake. You’ve slept with more women in three days than you have in your entire life.
9:48 – Tenley. Ok, that’s a smart decision.
9:49 – What the fuck?
9:51 – Let me translate through all the crap Jake is currently serving to Gia. Basically, she is not as good in bed as Vienna and Tenley. Case closed.
9:55 – The Women Tell All special looks fantastic.
What did you think of tonight’s episode?
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