La Coupe Grey

I am surprised to admit it but I think I have a mild case of three down football fever. Over the past two weeks I, with increasing interest, have been following both the CFL and CIS playoffs and, for the first time ever, actually care about the outcomes of the title games this weekend.

My alma mater, Queen’s University, is vying for the Vanier Cup against the University of Calgary tomorrow afternoon. I have always had a strong distaste for Canadian university football and this stems from my time as an undergraduate student.

When I was at Queen’s, the football team was beyond awful; I mean historically bad. On the other hand, the baseball team, of which I was an integral cog, enjoyed back to back National Championship appearances, culminating in a win in 2004.

What team got more respect and notoriety from the school media and administration? The football team, which was total bullshit. We had a top notch program and struggled to get any sort of funding from the university, while the football team, which couldn’t lose by less than 25 points, got whatever their little hearts desired.

Funding should be based on team success. Queen’s football is great right now and the baseball program stinks (coincidentally since I left); therefore, the football rightfully deserves more money.

While I will be cheering for Queen’s, I won’t actually watch the game. CIS football is terrible to watch, especially compared to the US college game. I went to one game in my freshman year and was appalled to see quarterbacks not able to throw further than 30 yards and kickers who were happy to get the ball airborne. No thanks.

For you SAT fans: CIS football is to American college football like the Special Olympics are to the real Olympics.

However, I am legitimately excited for the Grey Cup on Sunday. The game is wrought with interesting storylines. Can the Montreal Alouettes, with their high octane attack and tremendous regular season success, finally win the big one? Can the underdog Saskatchewan Roughriders pull off an upset?

The Riders are supposed to have the most passionate fans in all of the CFL and why wouldn’t they? What the hell else is there to do in Saskatchewan? Organizers are expecting a decidedly partisan crowd, so will the transplanted home game for the Riders be their key to victory?

I’m leaning towards a Saskatchewan victory, only because they are led by a trio of Canadian receivers: Robb Bagg, Andy Fantuz, and Chris Getzlaf.

Getting back to the topic of political correctness from Tuesday, I saw a newspaper headline that pissed me off. It was a Grey Cup preview and it said that the Roughriders offense was led by “Slow, white, Canadians’? How is that appropriate?

What if an analogous article was written about another team pinning their success to “Fast, black, Americans? I’m pretty sure the discrimination police would have their panties in a twist.

For the record, I have no problem with the original heading. I just hate the double standard and the fact everyone has to be so damn sensitive about everything. Life is hard enough as it is, let’s all lighten up a bit.

Have a good weekend.

Who is the Worst Winter Sports Team in Toronto?

Ordinarily, I would pick the Maple Leafs hands down and not think twice.

(FYI, I am not impressed by the Leafs’ current mini streak where they’ve garnered five of a possible six points in their last three games. They are still 29th in a 30 team league. Plus, in typical fashion, the Toronto sports media can’t get back on the bandwagon quick enough, evidenced by the Toronto Stars’ ridiculous ‘The Road to Redemption?’ headline in this morning’s sports section. Thanks for proving your stupidity, guys!)

However, I watched the Toronto Raptors play the Bobcats last night and a new contender has emerged for the title of worst team in Toronto (a 35 point loss tends to put you in the running). Ok, well I didn’t so much watch the game as I checked out two minutes of highlights this morning, but I have such an attuned sports eye that I can disseminate the fortunes of a team in one highlight package.

We’ve been told all year how great the Raptor’s offence is. That’s great to hear and makes for exciting basketball to watch (I’m told), but let us not forget that there are two ends in a basketball court.

The Raptor’s defence is TERRIBLE. In 120 seconds of highlights, every defensive possession had at least four Toronto players standing around, not moving their feet, and not within an arm’s reach of an opposing player.

I’m not a basketball genius, but I believe it’s prudent to maybe put your hand in someone’s face when they’re trying to shoot or, oh I don’t know, block their path to the basket. Apparently, such defensive strategy is lost on the Raptors.

Usually, you blame defensive miscues on the coach, but Jay Triano is the only member of the organization with a little grit and sandpaper in him. Have you seen the footage of Triano snapping the dry erase board over his knee during a timeout last week? Fantastic stuff.

To play good defence in the NBA you need blue collar guys not afraid to get their hands dirty and relish opportunities for physical play. You need a certain degree of toughness that can’t be taught—it’s an innate skill burned into your DNA.

Do any of the following players sound like they possess the above: Andrea Bargnani, Marco Bellini, Hedo Turkgolu, Chris Bosh or Amir Johnson?

I don’t see one guy capable of playing with a stubbed toe, let alone a monster in the defensive zone.

The Raptors are soft. They get pushed around on a nightly basis because they have no one on their roster capable of stepping up to opposing tough guys.

The softness starts with the guy responsible for hiring all of these defensive stiffs: general manager Brian Colangelo. He is a European-styled dandy who looks like he should be one of the contestants on Project Runway rather than the GM of an NBA team.

I’ll bet Colangelo falls to pieces if his $600 Italian loafers get a smudge; how are his players supposed to project a rough, tough exterior when they have Liberace as their boss?

The Raptors should get rid of Colangelo and bring back Charles Oakley as an assistant coach. Then Bosh and the boys will get on the job training in truculence.

Not That There's anything Wrong With That

Before I begin, an excellent comment was posted on yesterday’s diatribe against technology. He Who Hits and Hits Bombs made a salient argument for technology when pointing out that my carousel of boner-inducing ladies is only made possible because of advances in technology.

A similar picture would be a pixilated disaster on the original Nintendo Entertainment System. I salute technology for giving us the ability to view sexy babes in high quality from the comfort of our living rooms. And thanks to HWHaHB for bringing this to my attention (and also for suggesting today’s babe).

The big story reverberating around the sports world this morning is the admission by the son of Toronto Maple Leafs General Manager Brian Burke: Brendan Burke is an openly gay man.

Now, I’m not going to get up on my moral high horse and declare that homosexuality is a sin because it says so in the Bible. The Bible also says that premarital sex and excessive alcohol consumption are sins, so it’s not really a piece of literature I want to associate myself with.

If you’re gay, be gay. I don’t really care. That’s your choice (especially if you’re a hot chick willing to experiment). I didn’t initially understand why this story even constitutes news until I read that Brendan Burke is a student manager for the Miami University (Ohio) hockey team. He watches and breaks down scouting video of opponents and keeps goaltender statistics.

The ESPN.com article that broke the story was a tremendously positive piece of journalism that detailed how accepting everyone was to Burke’s admission that he was gay. I think it’s fantastic that the Burke family was so accepting of their son and brother, but I find it hard to believe that the Miami hockey team was 100% supportive of this admission.

Look, I have played on dozens of different sports teams and the locker room is not a place for the faint of heart. Guys make fun of and insult each other constantly; it’s what we do. That’s why I can’t buy Miami coach Enrico Blasi’s assertion that the players “are very sensitive to language and how they talk in the locker room.”

Bullshit.

You could walk into any locker room in North America and within five minutes you would hear one guy call another ‘gay’ or a ‘fag’ for doing something stupid. It’s not meant to be derogatory; it’s just part of the sports team culture. You will get insulted for being different. We make fun of people for being stupid, short, fat, skinny, black, white or Asian. Nothing is off limits.

It’s not meant to be malicious, it’s just that making fun of each other is how guys show admiration for one another. Is it politically correct behaviour? Of course not, but we don’t give a shit.

We have to be politically correct in pretty much every facet of life; give us the locker room to do as we please. It’s really no one’s business except the guys on the team.

Would I have a problem with Brendan Burke being my team manager? Absolutely not.

Where the situation gets tricky is if Burke was a member of the team and took showers after games and practices with the guys. There would be some players uncomfortable with being naked in front of someone who could theoretically be interested in them sexually.

There’s a reason why teams with mixed gender players have to shower and change separately. There is a fear of things becoming sexual. I’m not saying I would be worried a gay player would try to come on to me while I’m soaping up, but there would be some slight trepidation.

I look at it this way: would I be uncomfortable getting naked in front a straight girl to whom I had zero physical attraction? Yes. This is the same issue. Just because I don’t want to be naked in front of the guy doesn’t mean I hate him or am repulsed by his sexual orientation.

And don’t call me homophobic; I watch Will and Grace for Christ’s sake.

I Don't Like Technology

I am really hurting for a column topic today for two reasons: nothing is piquing my interest from the sports and entertainment realm and my new laptop was shipped to me yesterday afternoon and I am currently trying to figure out how to use it.

To my chagrin, the new Windows 7 operating system very closely mimics the setup of a Mac. I have never liked Macs or their users: pretentious arts nerds who spent all of their free time sitting in Starbucks writing the next great screenplay.

Listen up losers: no one cares what you are writing about. Maybe if you spent more time constructing interesting dialogue and convincing character interplay instead of looking around to see whose watching you while you sip your mocha frappachino, you’d have written more than three pages in the last eight months.

I know Microsoft made all these changes under the guise of creating a more user-friendly computing experience, but I am more confused than ever. No, I don’t want to personalize my laptop by setting up the background theme and mood of my computer. What the hell does that mean anyway? I’m not using the Hal 5000 here.

All I want from a laptop is the ability to write on a decent version of Microsoft Word and to watch porn. That’s it. That is all I require from a computer. Now I have to deal with prompts asking me to “Discover Windows 7”, “Personalize Windows”, “Share with a Homegroup” and “Change UAC Settings.”

Look, I’m sure early adopters love all the technological advances available on this new operating system, but I consider myself to be old school. I’m a modern day Renaissance man who is resistant to change. I try to limit my subservience to technology. I don’t take my cell phone with me to the gym or the movies, I don’t watch TV with my computer on my lap and I don’t use the Internet to find love (you know who you are).

I feel the same way about video games. I haven’t been able to play video games in over 10 years because they are too hard and the controllers have too many buttons. Have you seen the Xbox 360 controller? I bet the Apollo program contained less technology and was easier to navigate than that monstrosity.

My video game expertise ended with the original Nintendo. Give me a controller with two buttons, a directional pad and a scrolling 2D experience and I am a video game wizard. I implore anyone to beat me at Blades of Steel; I assure you it cannot be done.

I don’t understand the fascination of playing games that take 10 hours to figure out and require you to converse with other losers over the Internet on microphones. Do I need to immerse myself in a virtual world for eight hours a day because my life is a pathetic mess (don’t answer that)?

I would much rather lift weights and engage in amourous embraces with willing, REAL, members of the opposite sex. That way I don’t risk overstimulation and accidentally shoot my wad on the screen because I made it to level 4 on Call of Duty 2.

The Stinker Bowl

(Quick addendum to Friday’s column: thanks to Thy Drunken Rookie for posting a comment informing me that the statute of limitation for retroactive drug tests is eight years. There’s a lesson for the rest of you: if you post a name and a helpful comment or question, I will mention you in a future column)

The NFL season culminates in February with the grand daddy of all sports event spectacles: The Super Bowl. It typically pits the best two teams in the league against one another to decide the greatest team of that particular season.

Therefore, I find it only fitting that, at close to the midpoint of the season, the National Football League gave us one of the worst regular season matchups in recent history: the woeful Detroit Lions versus the pitiful Cleveland Browns (a more fitting team nickname I cannot fathom) yesterday afternoon.

Heading into the game, both teams had identical 1-8 won-loss records and offenses that could best be described as anemic. I already made my feelings clear on Brady Quinn last week; Lion’s quarterback Matthew Stafford hasn’t fared much better. However Stafford has more of an excuse because he’s a true rookie and is forced to play behind Detroit’s porous offensive line.

So what happened when Browns and Lions collided? Naturally, a shootout took place. Both quarterbacks played extremely well. Together, they combined for nine touchdown passes and 726 passing yards. What does this tell you?

Well, it tells me that despite how bad Quinn and Stafford have played this year at the helm of terrible offenses, the Browns’ and Lions’ defences are somehow WORSE. That is a terrifying thought. What happens if either Cleveland or Detroit has to face a hot quarterback with a, you know, good offensive playbook?

We could be at the forefront of witnessing the NFL’s first team to put up 100 points in a single contest. If given the opportunity, Peyton Manning could literally throw for a mile of offense against either team. His arm would fall off by halftime and every Colts receiver would be wearing oxygen masks.

I must say, The Stinker Bowl was an extraordinarily exciting game to watch. It was a back and forth affair that had a terrific denouement: a desperation heave into the endzone by Stafford, a shaky pass interference call and a short TD toss by Stafford with no time remaining to give the Lions their third victory in two calendar years (that is not a typo).

Kudos to Stafford for bringing plenty of M-A-N to the contest—he hurt his shoulder on his Hail Mary bomb when he was bludgeoned to the turf by a Cleveland lineman but, instead of coming out of the game, he hung in there long enough to win the game for his team. It was an impressively gutty performance, which undoubtedly won him the respect of his teammates.

Brady Quinn still sucks.