(Disclaimer: that joke in no way condones what Chris Brown did; beating up a woman is the epitome of cowardice and CB should be forced to “squeal like a pig” in a state prison).
The oversaturation and commercialization of Valentine’s Day is completely ridiculous; not only is it a farcical “holiday”, but it’s geared solely towards women. Why are men expected to buy all these gifts and tokens of appreciation and receive nothing in return?
Where is our holiday when women can show their men just how much they love them? This is why the guy behind Steak and Blowjob Day is nothing short of a genius. Steak and Blowjob Day is exactly what it sounds like: on March 14th, all men want is a big steak and a spirited bout of mouth to penis resuscitation. No presents, cards, flowers, candies, chocolates, sonnets, cuddling, talking, listening or acknowledging each other’s presence; just cook some cow, induce a fellatio-related orgasm and then leave so we can watch Sportscentre in complete peace and quiet.
Trust me ladies, if you do this, your man will spend every Saturday for the next year following you around to every craft fair, antique roadshow and Bed, Bath and Beyond in a 50 mile radius.
Full disclosure: how did I spend my Valentine’s Day? Watching Serendipity and The Notebook with Gretzpo. Unfortunately, I am not making this up. Usually, I tell people that I only watch The Notebook because Rachel McAdams is my ultimate celebrity crush (which is true, she’s gorgeous), but the truth is, I think the movie is fantastic. I hope that one day I am lucky enough to find a love that creates miracles.
(One second, I have to mop up the pool of tears flooding my keyboard)
Like clockwork, as another Valentine’s Day passes whilst I’m single, there is a 96 hour window where I’m a quivering emotional mess longing for meaningful female companionship.
This year, instead of keeping these feelings bottled up and showing no outward emotion like a real man should, I’m going to give you insight into my search for true love. Normally this would involve a 40 of rye, a dimly lit nightclub and a buxom blonde with the IQ of a cucumber.
However, all of this changed when I saw the commercials for the greatest online dating service since To Catch a Predator: E-Harmony.
Have you seen these commercials? They feature incredibly photogenic couples who met online and eventually married because of how perfectly matched they were by E-Harmony’s compatibility system:
Lee and Anne Marie (Click to see clip; I'm not smart enough to embed footage)
Sure this couple is happy now with all of their waxy prose about how they balance each other out and Lee is the ying to Anne Marie’s yang. However, I can’t help but wonder that, with all the talk of Lee’s “Type A” personality and his propensity to be “an intense guy, with a full plate” and a “need to relax”, these two are headed for a major domestic disturbance in the next five years.
My crystal ball predicts that in 2013, Lee will return home from an 80 hour week at the office and find Anne Marie embracing her free spirit watching a Sex and the City marathon with cheetos residue on her chest while the carpets remains un-vacuumed and dishes pile up in the sink.
The resulting blowout will make Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston look like June and Ward Cleaver.
My favourite part of this clip happens at 0:07 when Lee bowls that strike. The arrogance and cockiness in that premature arm raise is nothing short of magnificent; I plan on incorporating the “Lee” into my everyday life:
“Tewks, it’s almost as if you don’t have any sales training at all”
(Lee)
"Aren’t you one of Cosmo TV’s hottest bachelors?”
(Lee)
“That sex was alarmingly brief and disappointingly inadequate”
(Lee)
I hate this couple with every fibre of my being; they are too perfect. You talked on the phone for over six hours? And you did this more than once? I don’t think I’ve spent six hours on the phone in the last two years.
I would love to make fun of Tanyalee’s description of their “instant connection . . . snap”, but I cannot. She is way too pretty (beautiful, really) and I get lost in her eyes every time I watch the video.
And Joshua? Come on, that guy? Oh sure, he’s a geeky chemist with a cool little half beard but my dear Tanyalee deserves someone with a little more testosterone.
“Everything we do together is fun”. Really? Tackling a six foot canvas and dancing around at five in the morning, covered in drywall dust, mud and splatter paint is not what springs to mind when I think of “fun”.
Who am I kidding? If Tanyalee showed up to my house in that skirt/boot combo at 0:36 and told me she doesn’t want kids, I’d give myself a vasectomy under the pretense that it’s “fun.”
I really hope they get divorced.
And that ends today’s lecture; I look forward to seeing some of you on E-Harmony in the very near future (or Ashley Madison; whatever gets me laid the fastest).
Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.
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