(BOD - Lacey Chabert)
It was remarked last Friday that my columns lacked a certain reality TV flavour and the writer of the comment expressed dismay at the absence of reality TV coverage. Or maybe he was happy that I just focused on sports. I don’t know; I wasn’t really paying attention. Nevertheless, back by popular demand here is a recap of last night’s Jersey Shore.
10:01 – The Situation is right. Angelina is a ho. I don’t understand what the problem is.
10:02 – This Mike dude is in a weird situation. Why is he still standing there like a mute? What a chump.
10:03 – Pauly D has an amazing tan. He looks like a young Hulk Hogan. And I say that with a staunch record of heterosexuality (ok maybe a questionable record of heterosexuality).
10:04 – “She’s a girl and she’s bringing guys home. Girl don’t do that. Guys do.” My sentiments exactly. Pauly D for President of the world.
10:06 – Jwoww is like Two Face. Or the ugly/hot chick from that episode of Seinfeld. Some scenes she looks amazing and in other scenes she looks like a meth addict. Whoa, bad lighting on the porch.
10:11 – I LOVE T-SHIRT TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:13 – “Less clothes the better.” I really like Samantha from Canada. Here’s a question: why is The Situation taking the girl to the club with the rest of the group after prepping the smush room? Dude, you have an empty house! Smash that girl for the entire night. Don’t take her to the club; it’s just a needless diversion.
10:17 – I love the addition of ‘O Canada’ during The Situation’s smush session. Great touch by the producers.
10:30 – Pauly D is the MVP of this season. Just consistently brings the funny each and every episode.
10:37 – Wow, Jwoww actually has some real human emotion. What a sweet moment . . . God, her boobs are huge.
10:52 – Alex is Angelina’s guy? Since when? I hate this girl with every fibre of my being.
10:55 – Snooki taking off her earrings was like watching an NHL enforcer take off his gloves and elbow pads being throwing down.
10:56 – I sincerely think Angelina is a pathological liar. Good riddance.
(BOD - Chick with Huge Knockers)
Before I begin today’s column, I feel the need to apologize to someone I was rather harsh to in yesterday’s piece. I hammered Travis Snider pretty good for his lack of maturity and stupid way he dealt with Cito’s advice on hitting last year.
Although I still believe in those sentiments, it’s obvious that Snider has come a long way since last year and has fully embraced the managerial style of Mr. Gaston, evidenced by his hitting prowess this season.
Full marks to Snider for providing one of the most enjoyable moments of the season when he kept wearing his eyeblack mustache that a few players wore to honour Cito in the pregame ceremony. It takes a lot of stones for the kid to willingly wear something so stupid on national television, but the look worked. Plus, he hit a jack in his first at-bat.
The Ryder Cup kicks off on Friday morning and there are a plethora of juicy subplots surrounding the biennial (or is it biannual?) event. I always enjoy watching the Ryder Cup purely for the opportunity to see stuffy golfers with no discernable personalities transform into wild, demonstrative athletes where patriotism and national pride, rather than money, is what’s at stake by the end of the weekend.
Typically, my rooting interests lie with the Europeans because they are usually the underdog and I never get tired of seeing the Americans get their comeuppance on the world stage. Plus, the Euros always seem like they’re having more fun and genuinely like each other, whereas the Americans act like a bunch of new hires meeting for the first time on Orientation Day.
This appears to be the first Ryder Cup in a long time where the Americans are widely considered to be underdogs. They have Jeff Overton on the team. Who the hell is Jeff Overton?
There are always a lot of tension-filled moments in the Ryder Cup and more than a few instances of inter-country chirping and this year appears to be no different. There are a few rumours flying around that Rory McIlroy called Tiger out and said that everyone on Team Europe is gunning for him. He then backed off and said those comments took place months ago.
Tiger was made aware of the comments and I saw the slightest glimmer of a smile on his face when he was asked about it. Tiger relishes the opportunity to use real or perceived slights against him as bulletin board material (remember Stephen Ames and 9 and 8). Woods has been struggling with his game this year, so the last thing the European team should be is awake the sleeping giant.
Then it was rumoured that Tiger actually approached McIlroy this year and told him “Be careful what you wish for.” How great is that? I hope against hope that Tiger and Rory play each other in singles on Sunday afternoon, mano a mano, and we’ll see who comes out on top.
Of course, Phil Mickelson had to ruin everything by saying the episode was blown out of proportion and McIlroy is a great guy who is liked by everyone. Nice job, Phil. That attitude is the reason the US is going to lose this year. No killer instinct.
I want these guys out for (blue) blood.
(BOD - Cito)
Tonight’s Blue Jays game versus the Yankees will be the last time Cito Gaston will ever manage this team in Toronto. I hope the game will take on a celebratory air and Gaston receives all the accolades and applause he deserves for being a loyal foot soldier to this organization for almost thirty years.
In advance of his final game, Cito did the classy thing (basically this column will be a far departure from yesterday’s diatribe against AJ Burnett) and wrote an open letter to the city of Toronto that was featured on the front page of the Toronto Star this morning.
In the letter, Gaston basically thanked fans for all of their support over the years and described, rather eloquently, how much the city means to him. That is the proper way to leave a sports city that has been a part of you for so long. Not surprisingly, Roy Halladay did the same thing when he left town.
Gaston will always be remembered for bringing two World Series titles to the Blue Jays organization. One thing I will never understand is how Cito went thirteen odd years without getting another managerial job in Major League Baseball. It’s a travesty that his talents as a bench boss were not utilized until he returned to the helm of the Jays in 2008.
Cito is and always has been the prototypical player’s manager. He will stick with his guys through thick and thin and always give them a chance to play through a slump. Baseball is game about confidence and having the manager’s support when you feel your game slipping away from you is integral to on-field success. Also, players’ managers will have their guys’ backs in disputes with umpires, evidenced by Gaston getting thrown out of the game last night after two close calls went against the Jays. Cito getting out of the dugout to argue quickly probably kept John Buck in the game.
That’s why it was so disheartening last year when there rumours of a mutiny against Cito by a small pocket of players who didn’t want him back as manager for this season. No names were released, but apparently the entitled millionaires on the Jays roster didn’t like his old-school approach.
Oh, you mean he didn’t coddle your ass and had the audacity to call you out behind closed doors if he felt there was a perceived lack of effort? The horror!! Suck it up and act like adults. That was a stain on Gaston’s career and through no fault of his own.
(Travis Snider, you didn’t like all the advice you were getting from the coaching staff trying to help you hit major league pitching. Sorry, of course you know everything about hitting at this level at the age of 21. How did the minor leagues treat you last year? Maybe Cito knows a lot more than you thought, eh? Jackass)
Nevertheless, Talkin’ with Tewks will always be indebted to Cito Gaston for everything he has done for this organization and I sincerely hope that the standing ovation for Cito tonight is long and loud.
(BOD - Kate Hudson)
Like a jilted lover who immaturely wishes pain and heartbreak on her ex years after a breakup, I continually take the utmost enjoyment at watching AJ Burnett fail miserably on the mound.
Watching Burnett hightail it out of Toronto when he actually learned how to pitch, or so it seemed at the time, with a nary a concern for the club he was leaving behind was a painful process to go through (especially since I was at his last start as a Jay and joined the crowd in giving him a standing ovation when he was removed from the game).
Last night’s beatdown moved Burnett’s record to 0-3 versus the Jays this year and his overall record to 10-14 on the season. I’m sure Yankee fans are thrilled with the team’s investment in the mercurial righthander.
Burnett personifies a pitcher who, as Crash Davis so eloquently said, possesses “a million dollar arm and a five cent head.” He drives coaches crazy because he has some of the best stuff in the league but the mental makeup and fortitude of a five year old. He should be on a march towards 300 wins with his repertoire of pitches; instead he’s the number four option on New York’s staff.
If I was a Yankee, I would have a huge problem with Burnett’s demeanour on the field. After giving up a three home run to Vernon Wells and a loud double to the wall by Lyle Overbay, Burnett’s face registered zero emotion. Now I wouldn’t want a guy stomping around the field either, but show me that you care about your profession a little bit.
Burnett looked like he was waiting in line at the DMV. Get mad at yourself, put a look of determination on your face, bear down and try to keep your team in the game. Instead, Burnett continued to serve up gopher balls and didn’t make it out of the fourth inning.
What a chump.
The victory was the Jays 81st on the season and guaranteed the team a .500 record for the year. WOW, WHAT AN AMAZING ACCOMPLISHMENT!!!!! PLAN THE PARADE!!!!
(I wonder if CSzem sent a couple of case of champagne to the Jays locker room, so the team could celebrate being average)
The blog has been lacking in pop culture news as of late, so I quickly wanted to comment on the death of Gloria Stuart, who played the old broad in Titanic. Now, I’m comfortable enough in my masculinity to admit that I have a soft spot for the movie. If it’s on, I will usually tune in for a decent amount of time.
My favourite part is when the band stops playing when the ship is going down. The band members say their goodbyes, but one guy stays behind and continues playing. The other guys return and they play one last song, Nearer my God to Thee, together before their deaths. It gets me every time. Watch it here and don’t get choked up. I dare you.
However, I do have two problems with the movie. One, why does Jack let Rose lie on that piece of wood, while he freezes to death (yes, I know they both couldn’t fit on it because of her massive ass)? Why not find something bigger to lay on or your own piece of wood? Or a dead body? Instead, you just gave up your life for a rich skank who nailed you in a car while she was engaged.
Second, when Rose dies at the end of the movie and we see her go to Heaven: why does she end up back on the Titanic with Jack and hundreds of other people she only knew for like three days?
Wasn’t she married to her husband for like 50 years and had a family and a lifetime of memories with him? And he is nowhere to be found when she moves to the afterlife. That is such bullshit. Basically, she’s informing us that she didn’t give a shit about her family or anything else that happened to her in the 80 years since the Titanic went down. She was pining after Jack the entire time.
What a bitch.
(BOD - Malin Akerman)
In recapping Week 3 in the National Football League, CSzem and I touched on the following teams:
- The Cowboys
- Texans
- Jaguars
- Vikings
- Eagles
- Steelers
Talkin' with Tewks Live: NFL Week 3
Enjoy.
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