A Disappointing Night of Television

(BOD - Katie Price)

TV really let me down last night. I always thought we had a simple, uncomplicated relationship. I sit on my ass, in various stages of undress, and it entertains me with mindless entertainment and professional sports coverage.

I don’t know what the hell TV’s problem was last night (maybe I haven’t paid enough attention to it recently), but it was acting like a huge bitch. Everywhere I turned, the viewing options at my disposal left me bitterly disappointed and upset. That’s not the way it’s supposed to be.

Let’s recap, shall we:

The first night of the NHL playoffs commenced and, since I stuck my neck out in handicapping the first round matchups, I figured I would tune in to see how great my hockey knowledge really is.

Shit.

Of the four games on last night, the team that I picked to win the series lost every damn game. How is that even possible? I understand that it’s a long series, but it’s still disconcerting to see my teams rack up L’s at such an alarming rate.

I focused the majority of my attention to the Penguins/Senators game because of my man love for Kid Crosby. One thing I didn’t understand right from the start of the game is why the Penguins decided to hand out white towels and white shirts to their fans.

I understand the premise of dressing your crowd monochromatically to intimidate your opponent, but white seems like a stupid colour choice. Waving a white flag is the universal signal of surrender. When boxers are getting destroyed in the ring, their corners throw in a white towel.

By getting Penguins fans to wave white towels, aren’t you submitting to the Senators?

Not only that, but the Senators were dressed in white, the Penguins in black, so it looked like the game was being held in Ottawa. Shouldn’t the crowd be dressed in all black? That would look pretty sweet on camera.

After the Senators held off a furious charge by the Penguins in the waning moments of the third period, I switched over to the Blue Jays game looking for something to brighten my mood. I figured it was a safe bet since they are first place in the AL East and are playing extremely well so far this year.

They were down by a touchdown and a field goal. The team really needs to get rid of Brandon Morrow. He sucks. That’s two shitty starts in a row and I don’t even think he pitched that well in spring training (which is meaningless in the first place).

The only reason he’s getting a shot at the rotation is because he’s young, big and strong, and he throws really hard. Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but it doesn’t mean shit if you can’t throw the ball over the fucking plate.

I am so sick of teams giving shots to fireballers who don’t know how to pitch. I don’t care if you can throw 120 miles an hour. If you can’t get it near the strikezone, then you don’t belong in the major leagues.

Luckily, the only person who hates walks more than I do is Cito Gaston, so I don’t see Mr. Morrow being a part of the starting rotation by Victoria Day.

The final kick in the nuts I suffered at the hands of my television took place on the results show of American Idol (any straight men still reading may want to log off now). Two contestants were scheduled to be eliminated last night because the judges’ evoked the ‘Judges’ Save’ last week to rescue Big Mike from falling back into obscurity.

The first person voted off was Andrew Garcia, a decision which I had no problem with. However, I cannot, in good conscience, support Katie Stevens’ ouster. She was the last hot chick remaining in the competition. Now who am I supposed to ogle?

I understand that she is only 17 years old, but if I’m mature enough to cast away any lingering doubts about our age difference, then why can’t the rest of the world?

However, a sliver of light made its way into my gloomy existence with the news that Carrie Underwood will be returning to my TV next week as part of the Idol Gives Back special.

Just when I think I’m out, they keep pulling me back in.