AJ Burnett Doesn't Completely Suck

I’ve never been an AJ Burnett fan, even when he was with the Jays, but I have to admit that he threw a great game last night. Sending the Series to Philadelphia tied at one game apiece is monumental for the Yankees’ confidence heading into Game 3.

However, I still think Burnett is a douchebag. It starts with that idiotic piece of rope he has tied around his neck during each start. What the hell is that?

Every time I see it I want to reach through the TV screen and strangle him with it. Also, the pretentious way he celebrates strikeouts, with that cocky little pirouette, makes me want to barf. Have a little class, AJ. You’re a strikeout pitcher—act like you’ve been there before. Take a cue from Bobby Orr: no celebration necessary. After each punchout, just wait to get the ball back from A-Rod and move onto the next guy. No histrionics, no defiant strut.

Let’s see, what else do I hate about Burnett? Oh, I hate that he has the career statistics of a middling talent with average stuff when, in reality, he might have the best repertoire in all of Major League Baseball. His fastball threatens triple digits with late life and his curveball is just filthy; it looks like it falls down an elevator shaft when it crosses the plate.

The reason his career has been so mediocre is that he is a complete head case. Figure it out, AJ. With your talent, you should be in the express lane to 300 wins; instead, you’ll be lucky to get half that once all is said and done.

How about Joe Girardi last night? Obviously he read yesterday’s post as he went straight to Mariano Rivera in the eighth and watched the greatest closer in playoff history lock down a two inning save. See Joe? It’s so much easier to let your players win the game for you, rather than try to prove your baseball IQ to the world.

What’s happened to A-Rod? Six strikeouts in two games? Do we have confirmation that Kate Hudson has been in attendance thus far? I don’t remember seeing her at all the last two games. Maybe she’s off filming another romantic comedy with Matthew McConaughey (one can only hope). Whatever she’s doing, Rodriguez better get her on a plane to Philadelphia pronto if he harbours any desires for a World Series ring this fall.

Joe Girardi Is an Idiot; Charlie Manuel Is a Genius

Obviously, Cliff Lee was the story in Game 1 of the World Series; what an incredible pitching performance. Any true baseball fan would rather watch a guy like Lee attack the strikezone with surgical precision and keep hitters off balance by changing speeds than watch some meathead throw 100 miles per hour right down the cock.


I almost consulted my physician as Lee’s mastery of his craft gave me an erection that lasted perilously close to four hours last night.

There will be a litany of words written about Cliff Lee today – most of it gushing prose by respected members of the baseball establishment who get paid a lot more than I do to espouse their opinions. There’s no need for me to add any kindling to that burgeoning fire.

Instead, I want to talk about the very real possibility that Joe Girardi will over-manage the Yankees to a second place finish. To be fair, it’s not just Girardi who deserves to be subjected to the unholy firestorm of unrelenting verbosity I’m about to unleash.

It’s all 21st century stat geek managers who think starting pitchers can only throw 100 pitches an outing and rely on completely outlandish mathematical evidence: “So and so is hitting .280 against Pitcher A on odd numbered Thursday nights” and “Pitcher B’s effectiveness against left-handed hitters falls by 15% depending on the current phase of the moon.”

Last night was a prime example: with his team down 2-0, Girardi brings in Phil Hughes from the bullpen to start the eighth. Hughes continued his downward spiral and walked the first two hitters. Girardi gets him out of there and brings in Damaso Marte. Good move. Marte gets Utley (two bombs at that point) and Howard on seven pitches. Great move.

Then Girardi brings in David Robertson. Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, WHY???????

I have no idea who Damaso Marte is but I’m pretty sure his arm isn’t going to fall off after seven pitches; plus, he just retired the two top hitters in the Phillies’ lineup. It’s almost like Girardi thinks he’s managing in Little League and he’s trying to get everyone into the game so some drunken baseball Dad doesn’t follow him into the parking lot to complain that little Timmy never got off the bench.

So, what happened? Robertson comes in and promptly walks Werth and then gives up a two run single to Raul Ibanez. 4-0. Game over. Nice job Joe.

Conversely, Charlie Manuel managed last night’s game perfectly. How? By not doing a thing.

He sent Lee back out to the mound inning after inning; pitchers are in the bullpen for a reason. They are not good enough to be starters. Why would you take your best pitcher out of the game for some plug who only throws an inning at a time before the wheels come off?

I was ecstatic when Lee sprinted out of the bullpen for the ninth. When Jeter sent a duck snort to centre and Johnny Damon followed with a humpback liner to left, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver hollered for Lee to be taken out. Why? The Phillies had a six run lead and the Yankees had been stymied by Lee all night long. You let Lee try to finish that game until the tying run comes to the plate. Manuel, being a genius, agreed with me.

Was Lee fazed by two cheap little singles? The next three batters went fielder’s choice, strikeout and strikeout. I had picked the Yankees to win it all, but if their starting pitchers can’t hand the ball off to Mariano Rivera then Joe Girardi’s micromanaging trying to bridge that gap with his bullpen will end up killing the Yankees.

What Have You Done Today to Make You Feel Proud?

The NBA season started last night and while I’d love to say that I tuned in to watch LeBron and the Cavaliers take on the Celtics’ Big Three, the truth is I watched The Biggest Loser instead (as I have every Tuesday night for the past two months).

I do like basketball and follow the league through TSN highlight packages, but I don’t start paying earnest attention until the playoffs roll around. Why? The team I am forced to watch on a nightly basis is the Toronto Raptors led by one of the worst “franchise” players in the league: Chris Bosh.

I’ve expressed my feelings on Chris Bosh before, so I won’t go swimming in that pool again. However, I do need to illustrate how ridiculous the sports media is in heaping praise upon Bosh for putting on 15lbs of muscle in the offseason. First of all, the guy didn’t do it for the team; he did it for himself. Bosh is in a contract year; you’re telling me it’s a magical coincidence that this is the summer he finally decided to get into shape?

Second, he’s a PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE!!! All he has to do in the offseason is workout and try not get arrested. That’s it. That’s all we expect from these guys. I’m supposed to be impressed that Bosh learned to do a pushup in between Twitter posts? Go to the gym when you’re not being paid millions of dollars and then come talk to me.

Back to The Biggest Loser . . .

Some of you may be wondering why the girl in the picture is a tad more rotund than the usual fare here at Talkin’ With Tewks. Amanda is currently a contestant on this year’s show. Cute face, right? Every week, as the pounds melt off, she gets more and more attractive. By the finale, I guarantee she will be a complete fox. Think of this like buying futures stock in oil. You’re buying at a low price now (jumping on the bandwagon when she’s still chubby), but when the price goes up in a few months (she’s now a babe), you will still be locked in at the original price (you’ve been digging her all along).

Actually I’m not sure if I completely understand how futures work; I still keep my money under my mattress.

Here is what’s bugging me about this season’s instalment of The Biggest Loser:

- Jillian’s personality. I don’t understand why she feels the need to completely break every competitor’s spirit while they are trying to workout. I’m all for pushing people past their comfort zones, but she isn’t satisfied until tears are shed and the contestants are quivering, emotional messes.

- Jillian’s appearance. She’s got a rocking body, but her face terrifies me. She’s like Fergie’s more masculine, older sister; and that’s saying something, because Fergie looks like a post-op transvestite (I wouldn’t be surprised if they both turned out to have a penis).

- “The Game”. This isn’t Survivor dickheads. Your only concern should be about losing weight; not weaselling yourself into alliances. It’s worrying about such extraneous crap that led you to weigh 9,000lbs in the first place.

- The “Stories.” Blah, blah, blah, I had no friends in high school so I decided to eat myself into an early grave. I’m fat because of medical problems. Shut up; you are fat because you didn’t exercise and couldn’t stop shoving food down your throat.

Now, hearing Abby’s story about losing her entire family in a car crash was absolutely heart-wrenching to watch. But have you noticed how it is rarely mentioned? She never uses it as an excuse; Abby is awesome.

On the other hand, how many times do we have to hear that Shay is all alone and she “has no one?” I’m sure growing up with a heroin addict mother was terrible, but we don’t need to hear about it every ten minutes.

Plus, two weeks ago we found out she has a family at home? What the fuck? Her “woe is me” act is starting to wear pretty thin; she needs to take some accountability for her actions or she will be HUGE when she returns for the finale.

Leafs Win, Leafs Win, Leafs Win!!!

Truthfully I couldn’t care less that the Maple Leafs became the last NHL club to win a game in the fledgling 2009-10 hockey season.

(Quick aside: do you notice how I correctly used the phrase “couldn’t care less”? One of my biggest pet peeves is people who say “could care less” when they mean “couldn’t care less”. The aim of the term is to illustrate that you don’t give two shits about something; to say you could care less means that it doesn’t bother you that much and you still have some caring in reserve.

To say you couldn’t care less means that you are truly ambivalent towards the situation. For example, here is an appropriate usage of the phrase: Tewks, I couldn’t care less about your egotistical desire to give us a grammar lesson; shut your mouth and get back to the Leafs)

The only reason I am writing about the Leafs today is that there was literally nothing to watch on TV last night: I had hoped for a Game 7 but A-Rod and the Yankees took care of that; I sat down to enjoy a new episode of House only to find out it was a repeat; and the Monday Night Football game involved a team that won’t even let it’s head coach call offensive plays.

Unfortunately, now I’m going to have to listen to moronic Leaf fans believing that the “team turned a corner” and a march towards a playoff spot is inevitable because they were able to score more than two goals in a game. Sorry folks, but one win in nine games does not a playoff contender make.

Brian Burke is going to have some explaining to do when the Leafs have a chance at the first overall selection in the draft next June but then have to give that pick to Boston because Burke wanted to sign a guy with one nut.

The majority of Leaf fans are functionally retarded (how else could you support such a poorly run organization?) so I admire Burke for attempting to expand their vocabulary and introduce the words pugnacity, belligerence and truculence to Leaf fans’ lexicon.

Are the Leafs tougher? Yes. They were a couple of tutus away from entering a girl’s ballet recital last year. Is it productive? I don’t think so. True toughness on the ice means fighting tooth and nail for every square inch of ice, finishing your checks and punishing opponents down low. It’s not filling your lineup with unskilled goons who engage in staged fights so their buddies back in Red Deer can watch them on Sportscentre. Watching meatheads like Colton Orr and Jay Rosehill stickhandle is like watching Gomer Pyle juggle hand grenades.

Could they both beat the living shit out of me? Of course. However, there’s more talent and heart on Battle of the Blades than in the Maple Leafs’ dressing room.

New Format: Scandals and Animals

How great is this new layout and format? I needed to break free from the stifled creativity I felt under the iron-fisted rule of the nefarious Gretzpo. He made Idi Amin look like Mr. Rogers.

Also, doesn’t the new colour scheme look so much cleaner and sharper than the previous incarnation? I talked to one of my more “daintier” male friends and we basically put the site through an episode of Queer Eye for the Blog Guy.

As I’ve mentioned in the title header, I will now be posting new entries every weekday. I’ve shown over the past 12 months that I have mastered the art of writing weekly columns. You give me a central theme and 800-1000 words to stretch my journalistic muscle and I can poop out something more entertaining than 85% of the internet.

Now I’m going to try my hand at shorter, more stream-of-consciousness type pieces chock full of my usual fare of sophomoric humour and sexual ambiguity. Be forewarned daily sports blogs: Tewks is coming for you. I will not rest until I have stolen all of your readers. Or another Gossip Girl marathon comes on.

What do I want to talk about today? Well in an ironic little twist, I want to cover the same topic I tackled in my first weekly column back in late 2007: the greatness of Alex Rodriguez.

Finally A-Rod is reaching his true potential as a clutch hitter with his 2009 playoff performance (even though his playoffs stats have always been comparable with Derek Jeter’s and eerily mimicked Reggie Jackson’s, the media-anointed Mr. October, stats through the first 40 games of their postseason careers).

What has A-Rod done so far this month? Literally put the Yankees on his back and carried the rest of the anemic New York offence (Where have you gone Mark Teixeira? A Nation turns its lonely eyes to you) into the World Series for the first time since 2003. He hit .455 with two jacks against the Twins and .429 with three bombs in the LCS. Plus, Rodriguez was on base FIVE times in the clinching game last night.

Does the Yankee fan base owe his prodigious playoff exploits entirely to his nailing of Kate Hudson? Has a sexual dalliance ever been more profitable for a professional athlete (in terms of on field performance)?

(Full disclosure: I started sleeping with Kate Hudson back in August which is why my book excerpts have been so freaking good thus far)

Therefore how does A-Rod not win the LCS MVP? As a pitcher this may be considered blasphemy for me to say, but CC Sabathia did not deserve to win that award. Sure he threw two gems but the Yankees still won two games in the series while CC sat and devoured the entire clubhouse spread before the seventh inning stretch.

Without question, the Yankees do not win that series without A-Rod. His game tying shot in extra innings in Game 2 changed the entire complexity of the series.

Now if the Angels had forced a Game 7 and Sabathia won THAT game to run his record to 3-0 in the series, then not only would the ALCS MVP trophy deserve to be named after him, but I would start sending CC love letters in the hopes that he would show me how to throw a slider.