Who is Tewks?
An immature man-child who enjoys "all you can eat" ribs and pink lemonade.
What to expect from this blog?
Sports, pop culture and veiled sexual references. Updated every Tuesday, Thursday, and most Fridays with posts deemed "mildly amusing" by literally tens of people.
The male contingent of Canada’s athletic representation really needs to get their shit together over this final weekend of the Olympic Games. The Canadian women are making the male gender look bad with their dominating performances.
Female athletes have accounted for 75% of our total medal haul, single-handedly giving Canada a chance to have a great showing on the world stage.
The Women’s hockey team kicked things off first with an efficient (wo)man handling of the US. Though the score was only 2-0, the outcome was never really in doubt as the Canucks got the early lead and never gave the Americans a chance to mount a comeback.
There is a bit of a sour note on Canada’s third straight gold in Olympic hockey. Apparently, the Nazis at the IOC are all up in arms because our women, in true Canadian fashion, celebrated their victory with a case or two of Molson Canadian.
Way to rain on our parade, IOC. That’s how we do things in the Great White North. We drink beer to commemorate special occasions and I would think a gold medal victory should suffice (Hell, I crack open a brew if I figure out how to PVR American Idol on the first try).
Apparently, the IOC is worried about the message a few beers will send to the youngsters in the crowd. Oh, wait. The building was completely empty during this portion of the celebration? It was a private moment between Team Canada and their coaching staff?
Maybe worry more about the corruption poisoning your organization and less about some good old Canadian gals having a few wobbly pops.
How about Joannie Rochette? She is a late addition to my roster of Team Canada hotties. Plus, the emotional turmoil she has undergone in the last week is nothing short of incredible. How she found the strength to still compete after losing her mother is unfathomable. I must admit, after her long program performance last night, it got a little misty around the Tewks household.
I’m saving the rest of my Olympic thoughts for the podcast CSzem and I are recording on Sunday afternoon. It will be a recap of Canada’s performance at the Games, our thoughts on specific sports and the hosting job of the City of Vancouver. Plus, it will be funny. I think.
Quick Survivor Thoughts:
Has there ever been more disparate tribes in terms of team strengths than Heroes versus Villains? In every challenge thus far the Heroes have dominated every physical portion and the Villains have dominated anything involving brainpower.
This dichotomy was readily apparent last night after the Heroes whitewashed the Villains 8-0 in that pillow fight challenge. It wasn’t even close. I’d love to hear the family CSzem defend James’ poor sportsmanship of throwing his pad on top of a defeated Randy. Very impressive, James. You beat up on an old guy. Kudos.
Evidence that the Heroes tribe are basically just meatheads: JT actually used the word ‘strategical’ with a straight face. And Tom, bless his heart, tried to sound smart when describing his tribemates propensity to scheme and backstab this early in the game.
He said that hoped “people would play Marcus Queensbury rules,” which means fair play and honesty. Unfortunately, the correct pronunciation of the term is ‘Marquis of Queensbury.” A valiant effort though.
I’m still not ready to unleash full-blown Survivor recaps until they lose a few more people or have consistently stellar episodes (last night was kind of weak).
Dare I say yesterday was the greatest day of competition for Canada in the history of the Olympic Games?
Let’s review: four medals (one gold, two silver, one bronze) and the defeat of Russia in men’s hockey for the first time since Squaw Valley in 1960. The periodic table should be covered in red maple leafs right now: Au, Ag and Cu (for bronze I guess).
Let’s start with the ’10,000 pound elephant in the room’ (for you Bachelor fans) and take a look at Canada’s beatdown of the Communist menace last night at Canada Hockey Place. What a fantastic quarter-final for a Canadian hockey fan.
It was such a relaxing game to watch; it felt like we were playing Germany again. But, I do have to disagree with the pundits who are saying that Canada finally put a well-played game together against a worthy opponent.
To me, the self-appointed knowledge czar of the Winter Olympics, Canada played just as well as they did versus the United States last Sunday. The only difference: they actually put the puck in the net this time.
Plus, the US’s strength was defence and goaltending. Evidently, the Russians don’t have that problem. They couldn’t contain the Canadian attack and it didn’t help that Evgeni Nabokov treated each shot on net like the puck was sprinkled with anthrax.
To say Nabokov was shell-shocked would be an understatement. Did you see him on the bench after he got pulled? He just sat there with a dazed look on his face. Nabokov looked like a Haitian earthquake survivor who got rescued after spending a week buried under rubble: he was confused, disoriented and wasn’t sure where he was, but he was just happy to be out of harm’s way.
The Canadian women must have been inspired by my column yesterday as they took it upon themselves to force our nation up the medal standings.
Clara Hughes gave a tremendous performance in her competitive swan song in the 5000 metre long track race. She capped off a great career with her sixth Olympic medal (summer and winter combined). Not to be outdone, the lady short-trackers picked up some hardware in the 3000 metre relay, avenging the disappointing (thus far) performances by their male teammates.
But the real story was our surprising mastery of the women’s bobsleigh. I had no idea we even had teams in this discipline. We finished first and second, so I think it’s safe to say we owned the podium at the Whistler Sliding Centre.
Kaillie Humphries and Heather Moyes took gold, while Helen Upperton and Shelley-Ann Brown settled for silver.
I suppose the worst thing about the bobsleigh event was that the outcome was never in doubt. The margin of victory for Canada was 0.85 seconds which, ironically enough, is the same amount of time it takes me to have sex. While it doesn’t seem like a long time to most viewers (or my ladies), it’s like fifteen minutes in real time. So, the Canadians crushed the competition.
As a nation, we are poised to win the overall gold medal tally of these Games; we are currently tied with the US and Germany. And, honestly, isn’t that the way the winning nations should be decided?
Who gives a shit how many third place finishes the Americans have?
Who won the most events?
That is how you determine the most successful country of any competition.
On Friday, I extolled the physical attributes of American skiers, Lindsay Vonn and Julia Mancuso. I’d be remiss if I didn’t give some figurative love to some sexy Canucks currently taking the Winter Olympics by storm.
Not only are these ladies beautiful, but they are also supremely talented: two golds thus far and one hopefully to follow.
I have no idea what ice dancing is, but I do know that I need more Tessa Virtue in my life. Truthfully, I didn’t even know that ice dancing was included in the Olympics. I’m still not sure how it’s different from pairs skating, but since Canada won gold, I will declare that it definitely belongs on the Olympic roster.
Virtue is very pretty. She’s not what I would call ‘hot’, but she definitely is blessed in the facial attractiveness department. She’s the type of girl you bring home to Mom. She just seems so sweet and innocent. The fact that she appears to be more flexible than Gumbi doesn’t hurt either.
Where did Ashleigh McIvor come from? Wow. I was at a bar last night for Papa Tewks’ birthday and the place was packed with fans waiting for the start of the Canada/Germany qualifying game.
(There’s no point in discussing last night’s game. We all knew Canada was going to win. Tonight’s game is the big one. The Canucks versus the Big Red Dog. Tune in tomorrow for my thoughts, win or lose. I will be suicidal if it’s the latter).
There was lots of chatter in the bar and no one was really paying attention to the screen while Brian Williams was rehashing McIvor’s gold medal performance. As soon as the camera went in for a closeup of McIvor, the entire bar, I shit you not, went silent.
Every pair of male eyes was entranced by the image on the screen and we all thought the same thing: why haven’t we seen Ashleigh McIvor before?
Maybe it’s the blond hair, but I can seriously not remember what happened in the next fifteen minutes after McIvor’s pearly whites flashed across the TV. She is a mega babe. I would take a girl like McIvor, an athletic, beautiful woman, over a bleach blond, over-tanned tramp who eats 300 calories a day and has the IQ of a cucumber any day of the week and twice on Sunday.
Both Tessa Virtue and Ashleigh McIvor came out of nowhere to occupy high rungs on my unhealthy crush ladder, but the last lady has been an object of my infatuation since before the Opening Ceremonies.
Who am I talking about? The Canadian women’s curling skip, Cheryl Bernard. Where to begin?
First, has there ever been curler that hot in the history of the Olympic Games? I mean, we’ve come a long way since the days of Sandra Schmirler.
Second, you can somewhat expect Tessa Virtue and Ashleigh McIvor to be attractive as they are young girls in their twenties. Bernard is forty-three. She puts the COUG in Cougar. Her body is rocking. I’ve never been aroused by curlers before (except when they yell “Hurry hard!”), but the blood definitely flows to my nether regions when Bernard takes her position in the hack.
Since I do not have gainful employment, I will be able to watch Bernard in the semi-final tomorrow at noon. Probably without pants on.
Great comments on last week’s Bachelor recap; let’s keep it going today. Evidenced by their thoughts on the episode and yesterday’s podcast, I think it’s fairly obvious that CSzem and the missus will not name their firstborn Jake or Vienna.
8:01 – I’m not really sure what to expect from this Women Tell All episode. I sincerely hope it doesn’t turn into a screechy, bloated version of The View. If that happens, I can no longer fake having any semblance of manhood. It will be official: I’m a chick.
8:03 – Here’s what I don’t understand about the Rozlyn ‘scandal’. Why wouldn’t Jake want to talk to her and get her side of the story? Something is fishy there.
8:05 – I am getting so upset about the Elizabeth situation. Ladies, we hate games like that. That was ridiculous. I would have kicked her off the show right on that park bench. Do not pass Go; do not collect 200 dollars.
8:07 – Nice turtleneck on that San Fran date with Tenley, Jake. What a loser. He looked like Clay Aiken.
8:13 – I don’t know who any of these people are. So, they’re all sluts? I don’t understand the point of this segment. A bunch of reality TV nobodies went on a free cruise?
8:16 – Wes is the man. Just a virtuoso performance last season. “My dating life didn’t suck to begin with.” I want to be friends with him.
8:21 – Charity contributions? Are you fucking kidding me? Who wants volunteer help from these morons? This is painful to watch right now. I don’t know if I can hang in until ten o’clock. This episode could have easily been an hour.
8:24 – I DON’T CARE!!!!
8:26 – Who names their kid Bettina or McCarten? I seriously hate my life. If I did a podcast right now, it would be a continuous string of expletives.
8:31 - I want the last thirty minutes of my life back.
8:33 – I could have done without the soft core shower scene of Jake’s torso.
8:34 – I forgot how much I missed Rozlyn. She might be the hottest chick in the history of this show. Little Tewks is rapt with attention right now.
8:38 – Jesus Christ. Elizabeth, the reason you got voted has nothing to do with the fact you wouldn’t kiss him. It’s due to you being an incorrigible cock tease.
8:46 – Gia looks like Ru Paul in that dress.
8:48 – “Is it ok to fall?” “It’s ok to fall.” Is it ok to put a revolver in my mouth and pull the trigger?
8:57 – Michelle’s summary is like the trailer for a serial killer movie. She makes Hannibal Lecter look like Mr. Rogers.
9:00 – Ali laying the smackdown on Michelle. I like it.
9:02 – I almost feel bad for Michelle here. These girls are ripping her apart. She almost seems normal. I think I’m getting soft in my old age.
9:07 – “Oh, she’s got cellulite.” Mama Tewks about Ali. What do you even say to something that irrational? The cattiness at Casa di Tewks has increased exponentially in the second hour.
9:09 – Jake, Jake, Jake. If you liked it, then you should have put on a ring on it.
9:11 – The Ali debacle would have been so much simpler if this show took place in 1950 when women weren’t allowed to work.
9:13 – Classy move by Ali apologizing to Vienna. She’s wonderful. I don’t even think I could have sex with Ali. You don’t ‘bang’ a girl like that. You make love to her. With candles and rose petals and a copy of Air Supply’s greatest hits.
9:19 – I can’t even pay attention to what Chris Harrison is saying right now. Rozlyn is retardedly hot. Like Rain Man level hotness.
9:23 – For the biggest ‘shocker’ in Bachelor history, this is extremely boring. If she didn’t sleep with the guy, who gives a shit?
9:24 – Chris Harrison needs to get off his moral high horse and cut out the sanctimonious bullshit. He treats this show like it’s the Vatican looking for a new Pope. It’s a trash television.
9:28 – This is basically she said, she said. We need some camera footage to get to the bottom of this issue. Otherwise, I don’t care. This is brutal.
9:32 – Huge copout to the footage question by Harrison. Rozlyn is bringing up some good points. They are completely railroading her. She certainly walked into the lion’s den and she’s holding her own pretty good. Good for you, Rozlyn.
9:35 – “Tewks, you’re just siding with Rozlyn because you’re thinking with your penis. Are you even paying attention to what’s going on?” I, like Chris Harrison, will not dignify that question with a response.
9:40 – “My heart was crying.” I literally have no words. Jake gives pussies a bad reputation. Does he just sit in his room and think this shit up?
9:46 – Those outtakes were legitimately funny. Well done.
9:51 – I would rather have another update from The Bachelor Reject Sex Cruise than watch these Vienna highlights. She looks like she has 25 pairs of chromosomes.
9:52 – Did you know Tenley was married before? I had no idea.
Well, the first hour sucked, but the second hour really brought the goods. What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.
Much like Jessie Spano in the watershed episode of Saved by the Bell where she overdoses on caffeine pills, I began the Olympic hockey tournament enthused and eager about Canada’s chances for gold. Now, I’m terrified.
What the hell happened last night?
For the past three months, I have really curtailed my alcohol consumption while I train my body for an event that will remain nameless for the next few weeks. Last night, I was forced to break the covenant of the drink.
After the first ten minutes of the game, in which I had heart palpitations every time the US team veered near Canada’s net, I imbibed in some vino rouge. Without it, I would have been unable to calm my nerves enough to watch the entire contest.
Canada outplayed the US in every facet of the game except between the pipes. Ryan Miller stood on his head and stole the game for his country. I don’t know what else Canada could have done besides, you know, put the puck in the net.
I know a lot of Canadians are piling on Marty Brodeur this morning, but he didn’t play that bad. The biggest problem with Marty is that once he found out the trapezoid behind the net isn’t a part of international hockey, he thinks he’s Bobby Orr and wants to handle the puck at all times.
Your job is to stop the puck, Marty, not pass it. Methinks that Bobby Lu will be the goaltender of record on Canada’s increasingly difficult road to gold.
I don’t know what the Canadian coaching staff has to do to get the power play going, but it looks terrible right now. There is way too much standing around and not enough movement. The US penalty killers just had to clog the passing lanes and our power play was completely neutralized.
Maybe Mike Babcock should take Gretz out of his suite, suit him up, and throw him behind the net to deliver some saucers to our supposed big guns. We need to do something quick or we might not even get the chance to play Russia in the quarterfinal (which will be eerily reminiscent of Turin in 2006).
I still have faith in our boys, but the offensive ship has to be righted or Russia will golden shower litres of vodka all over our red and white backsides.
On Saturday afternoon, the lives of Talkin’ with Tewks readers were changed forever. I, along with CSzem, recorded the first ever edition of Talkin’ with Tewks Live. It’s a podcast where we discuss only the most pressing issues facing the world today.
In the inaugural episode, we discussed The Bachelor, Survivor and the Winter Olympics.
There were a few kinks along the way and the audio is a tad light (make sure you have your volume cranked), but we are pleased with the results. The total run time is just over thirty minutes. For those of you not interested in the Full Monty, the podcast breaks down as follows:
0:00 – 14:00 The Bachelor 14:00 – 25:00 Survivor 25:00 – 30:43 The Olympics
Also, notice how the corresponding visual changes depending on the topic of conversation. We are geniuses.
I am planning to record a podcast every weekend to be posted as Monday’s column. Let me know what you think of our first effort. Comments and suggestions are always welcome, as long as they are glowingly positive.
Posts
