(BOD - Bridgette Wilson)
Since no one seems to be interested in my Jersey Shore recaps (et tu, Mrs. CSzem?), there will be no column today.
Why?
Because this is the one weekend a year where I can relive my past glory. I will be making a trek up to visit my alma mater for a baseball alumni tournament today. Basically, the baseball is secondary to drinking some adult beverages with past teammates and pretty much acting like a bunch of ruh-tards for 48-72 hours.
I literally cannot wait. Also, there will be no podcast on Monday because it’s Labour Day and the last thing I’m doing on a day that is dedicated to employment is actually working.
Have a great holiday weekend.
Be back on Tuesday with a Bachelor Pad recap.
(BOD - Stephanie McMahon)
Predictably, both CSzem and Gretzpo responded to my barbs in yesterday’s column with explanations and stats that I stopped paying attention to early on in their posts. All they really proved is that they need to get out more and, perhaps, work on their own baseball skills which are tremendously lacking.
I found it interesting that they were both so quick to jump on me, when one of them can’t play a tennis match without his ovaries forcing him to retire and the other wouldn’t be able to lift 15lbs over his head were it not for my esteemed influence.
But I digress.
Apparently, Canada is currently engaged in the World Basketball Championships and this is the first I’ve heard of it. And the only reason I’m discussing it now is that I’ve read this morning that we’ve gone 0-4 thus far and now have no chance of making it to the playoff round.
First, I’d like to address the ridiculous-ness of a tournament where a team go can 2-3 in round robin play and make the playoff round. In what dimension of the sporting landscape should a losing record be rewarded with a playoff spot?
Canada’s last game is this morning versus Spain. All sign point to another loss and a winless record at the tournament.
I’m going to assume that such futility was expected considering the lack of coverage of this championship at home. Though we created the game, we’ve never been a world power in the sport. However, it’s tad disconcerting when we’re losing to countries like Lebanon and Lithuania.
I’m not positive that these countries have municipal infrastructure or indoor plumbing and they’re kicking our
ass on the basketball court. Intrigued, I delved a little deeper into our squad to see why we can’t win a game.
Jesus, that was pretty grim. I have literally never heard of anyone on Canada’s roster. We must have players with a better pedigree than this, don’t we? The most famous name on the roster is Coach Leo Rautins. Can Rautins even be considered a good coach? Sure, he makes good insights and can tell some funny anecdotes on Raptors broadcasts, but I kind of want a guy who knows the intricacies of the X’s and O’s of the game leading our country against other basketball nations.
Some further research told me that we actually were forced to qualify for this tournament. So, there are countries out there who are worse than us. Sure, some of them may not know what basketball is, but I’m willing to take this moral victory.
Truthfully, I think that attitude is the problem with out nation’s sporting endeavours. In too many sports (other than curling or hockey) we have a ‘happy to be here’ mentality that will not get us anywhere on the world stage.
We showed some grit and sandpaper at the Olympics by not taking anyone’s shit and trying to ‘Own the Podium.’ Well, there’s no reason why that goal should have stopped in Vancouver.
(BOD - Dharma)
This will be an admittedly brief column. My baseball team had their first playoff game last night and I had the ball on the bump. We fired the first salvo, winning the game 3-1 and putting a stranglehold on the three game series. Also, before the game, I was named Lefthanded Pitcher of the Year for the Greater Toronto Baseball League and received a plaque for the honour.
It’s much better than the World’s Worst Lover award I won last year.
Joey Votto, a Toronto native and first baseman for the Cincinnati Reds, is quietly putting together one of the best offensive seasons in recent, non-Steroid era, history. I’m not exactly sure how one puts together a year like this quietly (if Arod was in the same position, the New York media would be proclaiming him God), but Votto has managed to do just that.
Part of the reason is due to the fact Votto abhors the limelight and he plays for the Reds who, before this season, were best known for a bowl haircut, gambling, and a virulent racist as an owner.
A cover story in Sports Illustrated has given steam to the Votto hype machine and the North American media has slowly but surely created a ‘Triple Crown Watch’ during every Reds game.
As of this morning, Votto leads the National League in batting with a .327 average, tied for third in home runs with 32 (three behind Albert Pujols), and is first in RBIs with 97. The last person to lead all three categories for their league was Carl Yastrzemski for the Boston Red Sox in 1967.
It’s a wonderful accomplishment and harkens back to the romanticized notion of baseball being larger than life and such feats captivating a nation.
Unfortunately, this is where stat nerds like CSzem and Gretzpo (honestly, how they’ve ever experienced a woman’s warmth is beyond me) will bitch and moan that metrics like batting average and runs batted in don’t accurately capture a player’s offensive worth and other like bullshit.
You know what? I don’t give a fuck. Let’s take baseball back from these fantasy morons and celebrate the numerical accomplishments that have been heralded since the game began 150 years ago. If I have to read one article deriding Votto’s season because his VORP or Win Share rating isn’t very good, then I’m going to commit a homicide.
Nothing fancy, just shoot some guy in the head in broad daylight and suffer the consequences.
(BOD - Peyton Wright)
No boring preamble tonight. Your fearless leader has returned. Let’s start the insanity:
8:03 – I love how Dave called Wes’ bluff. “Or what?” Wes responds with complete silence. You can’t hide behind your guitar now, douchebag. Dave is such a badass. I’d like to have a fantasy suite date with him . . . If . . . you know . . . I was a woman.
8:06 – Why is Tenley crying just while filling out the form anonymously? She’s such a drama queens. Tenley has lost so much goodwill since her stint on The Bachelor.
8:11 – Is Wes in the pool in his underwear? Did he not bring a bathing suit? He might be trying to drown himself.
8:16 – Elizabeth is a moron. She is the epitome of shallow. Also, bad hair.
8:17 – Oh, that slip up by Natalie on the ‘dumbest’ question was fantastic. Why do they think Gwen is dumb? She’s like 50; she must have a lot of life experience. On the other hand, Natalie has the IQ of a cucumber.
8:23 – Yeah, we get it, Wes. You wanted to have sex with Gia. Give it a rest already.
8:25 – Why is Natalie upset that everyone thinks she isn’t marriage material? She said last week that she wanted to nail everyone in the house. A doting wife that does not make. Most guys do not want to marry whores.
8:27 – The look of pure fear on Kovac’s face when he had to write down who had the worst boob job was fantastic. He looked like he was going to shit his pants.
8:28 – What a puss job by Kovacs. He should have thrown Elizabeth so far under the bus; the silicone would have popped out of her chest. Instead, he pretty much just booked his ticket home.
8:36 – “It’s hard to have that stereotype.” Well, no shit, Natalie. Maybe keep your legs closed a little more and not take your top off on a group date. Some words to live by.
8:37 – Kovacs really needs to get his balls re-attached. He’s an embarrassment to men everywhere.
8:38 – Sorry, Kovacs; no one is jealous of Elizabeth’s looks or personality.
8:46 – Christ, another helicopter. The producers must have a few rides left over on their contract from The Bachelorette.
8:47 – Catalina? Are they going to the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer?
8:48 – I want to stop the cynicism for a moment: the ziplining looks legitimately fun.
8:51 – “You made my heart beat fast” – Tenley after her first kiss with Kiptyn. That could also be the onset of angina, dear.
8:56 – I love that Peyton said she wants to go on the date with Jesse because “they have a lot in common.” What she really meant is that she better get a rose because she nailed Jesse in the fantasy suite last week.
8:59 – Is it me or has Tenley not mentioned her ex-husband once this episode? I am completely sober in my drinking game tonight.
9:00 – Kovacs and Elizabeth make me want to puke. Did he just say she’s more important than $250,000 to him? What an idiot.
9:01 – Tenley’s an idiot too. Why wouldn’t Kiptyn take the rose? He wants to stay in the game.
9:02 – Man, they are throwing these fantasy suite cards around like no one’s business. I need to start taking a few of those with me to bars on weekends.
9:09 – Dave is jacked. He’s very impressive . . . Uh, I’m straight . . . I’m pretty sure.
9:11 – What the hell are Peyton and Jesse flying in? I think that might be Billy Bishop’s old plane. Or possibly the Red Baron.
9:19 – Jesse is hammered and he’s going to blow this. Haha what a lightweight. What a chump. He had a free lane to the basket and he ends up tripping on the free throw line.
9:23 – Peyton is officially my favourite girl in the house. What a classy broad.
9:42 – Krisily would give $250,000 to rip Dave’s clothes off and jump him right on the couch. Get in line, sweetheart.
9:54 – Krisily gets screwed by Dave. But not in the way she wants.
What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.
(BOD - Tina Fey)
CSzem and I discuss the injury that has derailed the bright future of the Nationals' Stepehn Strasburg. We also discuss a questionable decision regarding CSzem, Gretzpo, the searing heat, and the wussy fear of heat stroke.
Talkin' with Tewks Live - Strasburg
Enjoy.
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