Who is Tewks?
An immature man-child who enjoys "all you can eat" ribs and pink lemonade.
What to expect from this blog?
Sports, pop culture and veiled sexual references. Updated every Tuesday, Thursday, and most Fridays with posts deemed "mildly amusing" by literally tens of people.
In an odd programming decision, both Canadian major sports networks, TSN and Sportsnet, have decided to run sports movies on various nights throughout the latter half of the summer to fill the inevitable dead air that crops up during the dog days of August.
I’m not sure if it’s the best direction for either network to take but, as a huge fan of sports movie, I’m not going to complain.
On Tuesday night, TSN showed possibly the greatest baseball comedy in cinematic history: Bull Durham. It’s been a few years since I’ve seen the movie in its entirety, but I can still recite chunks of dialogue from memory. I was also curious to see how TSN would deal with the sexual content and rampant cursing.
Boy, was I ever disappointed. Every somewhat offensive word was bleeped out and the sex scenes were cut down to a laughable degree.
Now, I understand that regulations forbid TSN from showing the movie in all its uncensored glory, but why would they decide to broadcast the film in the first place. If questionable behaviour and bad language is integral to the movie’s theme, why bother neutering it? Show a cleaner movie instead.
This happens all the time and it drives me crazy. Usually Canadian stations are pretty liberal when it comes to allowing ‘mature’ content, but the US channels get batshit crazy editing movies for television. For example, Peachtree TV always shows movies like American Pie and other films of that ilk. What’s the point? By the time they’re finished cutting and pasting, the movie’s run time is down to 25 minutes.
The most ridiculous scene on Tuesday was when Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) gets run out of the game for arguing a blown call by the umpire. TSN didn’t even bother to bleep the offending words; instead, it was forty seconds of complete silence. Sure, the language is a little rough, but it perfectly encapsulates the game of baseball and that situation and viewers were denied witnessing that pleasure.
Fear not, dear readers, for here is the scene in question in all of its wonderful glory:
This is the last column until Tuesday. I have the provincial baseball championships this weekend, plus my tennis showdown with CSzem, and it’s a long weekend. On Tuesday, I’ll have a short podcast discussing the match, the baseball, and, of course, my final Bachelorette recap of the season.
Matt Garza, of the Tampa Bay Rays, became the fifth pitcher of the 2010 season to throw a no hitter (truthfully, it should be six as Armando Gallarraga was robbed of perfection by Jim Joyce). Only the 1991 season had more pitchers weave no-nos when seven players turned the trick. It almost seems like no-hitters have become commonplace (Hell, even I threw one this year).
A lot of pundits are asking why the feat has been so prevalent this year. Here are the main reasons currently being argued (I’ll save my own hypothesis till the end, primarily because it’s the correct one):
Hitters aren’t juiced anymore
I don’t really buy this argument because, for some reason, everyone thinks that hitters were the only players to use performance-enhancing drugs. If you believe that, then I have a few jars of snake oil that I’d like to sell you.
The hitters were juicing, the pitchers were juicing, even the ball boys were probably juicing. The playing field was level then and the playing field is level now.
Young pitchers are way more talented
Yes, it does seem like every young pitcher entering the majors over the last three years can throw 95 miles an hour with relative ease. And, not only are these guys throwing such ridiculous gas, but they have movement on their heaters as well. It’s almost unfair to be able to cut or sink a fastball that threatens the sound barrier.
Couple those heat-seeking fastballs with ungodly breaking stuff and today’s hitters are facing a Herculean task every time they step up to the plate.
So that must be the reason, right? Wrong. The best indicator of pitcher dominance is strikeouts. There hasn’t been a pitcher with 300 strikeouts in a season (not named Randy Johnson or Curt Schilling) since the late 1990s. Furthermore, no other pitcher has come close (other than Pedro).
Yes, pitchers are probably more talented these days, but so are the hitters. Which leads me to:
Defences are amazing
If pitching and hitting cancel each other out, then the only explanation for influx in no hitters is better defences. Fielders are more athletic and more talented then ever before. They are getting to balls and making plays that used to be considered amazing and are now deemed to be routine.
Watch any highlights on Sportscentre: there will be 8-10 great plays made each and every night.
Plus, there has been a shift in baseball thinking towards defensive play due to new statistical models that place a premium on defence to win games. Yes, they are the bailiwick of nerds and shut-ins, but the powers that be have decided to listen to these guys and their message, which is: defence equals victories.
With fielders making outs on balls that used to be hits, they are given their pitchers a chance to throw a 0 under the H column every time they step on the bump.
I had a hard time reconciling watching this episode. With The Bachelor, I can maintain a semblance of masculinity by saying I watch to check out the 25 babes vying for one man’s affections. With The Bachelorette, if the titular contestant is smoking hot (e.g. Ali) I can say I’m checking her out as she wades through the dudes. However, in the Men Tell All episode, there are no women in sight for the entire two hours; just guys talking about their feelings.
Nevertheless, Cousin Tewks and I have decided to power through and watch anyway; masculinity be damned.
8:01 – Oh, Ali actually shows up to this gossip session? Now, I can watch it with full immunity.
8:02 – Another clip show? You have to be kidding me. Just cut this baby down to ninety minutes and spare us the replays.
8:04 – Ok, I take that back. The footage of Kasey singing just brought a huge smile to my face.
8:07 – Ali has got some crazy eyes going on when she talks about Frank. I think she legitimately would have picked him had he stayed. And that brings her attractiveness down a few notches on my books.
8:09 – “How do we get tickets to that taping?” – Cousin Tewks. My thoughts exactly.
8:25 – Wow, The Phantom really came to play tonight. Bring Chris N. back next year.
8:26 – That beach shot of Ali captivated our attention to an unknown degree. A tribe of wildebeests could have run through the living room and we wouldn’t have batted an eyelash.
8:29 – Did Harrison just say the testosterone was flowing the first night? He has met these guys before, right?
8:31 – The Weatherman is such a little bitch.
8:32 – Nice move by Harrison with the chirp on Kasey. The guy’s a pro.
8:33 – What’s the over/under on how many women in the audience these guys are going to sleep with after this show wraps? Five? Ten?
8:41 – Is anyone else bored watching this? The recap seems worse than usual.
8:48 – Why are they clapping for Kasey? How can these women be attracted to such ridiculous actions and behaviour?
8:52 – What did Kasey want to do? Guard and protect her what? I didn’t quite catch that.
8:53 – Kasey is literally a moron. I think he’s crazy; he’s officially lost it. He doesn’t realize everyone is laughing at him.
9:02 – I have no idea what the hell Kirk is talking about. This is a terrible episode. This must be what watching The View is like.
9:03 – The broads in the audience are just eating this crap up. Kirk can have an orgy with the entire front row if he wants to.
9:11 – This is stupid to have the Justin bashing session when the guy isn’t even there to defend himself. The looks of disgust on the women in the audience make me laugh.
9:13 - Did Craig R really need to make that soliloquy that he abhors Justin’s behaviour? Don’t worry, Shrek, I’m sure you’ll have the pick of the desperate skanks in the audience.
9:20 – Justin didn’t allow his girlfriend to have a Facebook account? Nothing wrong with that.
9:21 – This is such a convoluted tale by this fame-seeking skank from Oakville. BORRRIIIIINNNGGGG. I don’t buy it.
9:24 – I hate everyone associated with this Men Tell All special. They’re all idiots.
9:29 – Ali, please save me from this lacklustre episode.
9:30 – What kind of moron would cheat on Ali? That’s like turning your back on Jesus.
9:33 – Stop saying that Kasey was stranded on that glacier. I’m fairly certain he didn’t walk back to the States from Iceland.
9:36 – Ok the blooper reel may have redeemed spending the last ninety minutes of my life watching this fiasco. That was funny stuff.
9:45 – Sneak peek of The Bachelor Pad? Don’t mind if I do.
9:53 – I can say the following with unequivocal certainty: The Bachelor Pad looks fantastic.
In the comments section of last week's podcast, it was requested that I change the intro music. I was floored by such an egregious statement. Abosolutely, I will not change the music. That music is part of this blog. And a part of Tewks.
I'm the best around. Nothing's ever gonna keep me down.
And to the author of said comment, I only have this to say: Et tu, Mrs. CSzem?
Today's podcast recaps CSzem and Gretzpo's epic tennis match and we also give a preview of CSzem and I's showdown this upcoming weekend. We then launch into a discussion of the Baseball Hall of Fame and give our picks of players who deserve induction.
Posts
