Gretzpo's World Cup of Rugby Primer

Here’s what I know about Rugby… I flatted with a guy in Budapest from New Zealand who owned a rugby ball: therefore my preview will be limited to countries in which I have comedic fodder…

Canada:

Why is it all former English colonies excel at field sports except for Canada?

Canadian coach Ric Suggit has said that "this team won’t lie down for anyone" … which usually translates into "we don’t have the ability to compete: but we’ll try hard". Which is all we expect from all of our Canadian teams that aren’t hockey teams: who have to win … even if it means Bobby Clarke has to break some Soviet ankles.

Highlight: Our coaches’ name is "Suggit".

Lowlight: Our world ranking of 13th sandwiches us between Fiji and Tonga.

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England:

The 2003 defending champs have been struggling lately: but England fullback Mark Cueto believes that no one should "write off" the English side. Which is much better than the "this team won’t lie down for anyone" that the Canadian side offered up.

Highlight: The English squad faces the Americans in their first matchup, whom they defeated 106-8 in 1999.

Lowlight: This sounds like a wide margin of victory: but I really have no idea.

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New Zealand:

My buddy Scott that I lived with in Budapest wore only two shirts the entire time I knew him: a green dress shirt and his All Blacks rugby jersey. One time he lost a shirt on a drunken ride home on a streetcar, but he had his jacket done up the entire time. Unbelievable…

And how about their colourful name, "The All Blacks". Could any other sport get away with this? Could you imagine a basketball team called "The All Blacks"? Or a fencing team called "The All Whites"?

Highlight: French soccer star Zinedine Zidane recently impressed All Black fly-half Dan Carter with his rugby skills.

Lowlight: The praise was under the threat of a devastating headbutt.

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France:

Remember that scene in Last of the Mohicans where the English General questioned the courage of the French during the Seven Years War, saying they’d rather "make love with their mouths" than fight? I love that line.

Highlight: France has the edge of being the host country.

Lowlight: They’re already 0-1, having been upset by Argentina in the first match of the tournament: ruining my 2007 Rugby World Cup bracket.

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All right… enough insightful rugby talk for now... I don't want to wear both of my readers out. I’ll be back next week with an in depth look at one of my favourite Blue Jay players.

An Open Letter To Rogers Sportsnet...

Typically, I'm not the type to e-mail and ask to have someone removed from the air... but enough is enough: you have got to fire Jamie Campbell. The guy's a nice guy... I WANT to like him... but he makes every single Jays game I watch less enjoyable.

He blows plays... his stories aren't interesting... and he has the worst depth perception of anyone in the history of the world... he often doesn't know it's a home run until it's over the wall... regardless of how well it's struck off the bat.

In a pivotal game against the BoSox Tuesday night ... the Jays have a chance to go to 4.5 games out of the wildcard and 5 games above .500 ... two on... a fly ball to left field off of Jesse Litsch:

"Not very deep"

As a Blue Jays fan... I breathe a sigh of relief... and take a swig of my refreshing cream soda...

"... But deep enough... it's gone!"

Wait a minute! I thought it "wasn't very deep"? ... now the Jays are down 3-1... and I just spat up an entire mouthful of cream soda on my favorite polo shirt.

Sorry... I'm doing my best to try and keep this succinct. Because commentating abilities are no laughing matter...

All I'm trying to say is that it's bad enough having to deal with the ups and downs inherent in following a sports team ... but now I have to deal with inept commentating flirting with my emotions?

I love the Jays ... I watch or go to every game I can: I think, as a fan, I deserve better than Jamie Campbell. And I know I'm not alone on this ... I've never once heard anyone compliment his abilities. So, please, for the 2008 season, give us better than Jamie Campbell.

Sincerely,

Gretzpo


Next time: A fearless look at the 2007 Rugby World Cup