(BOD - Sara Carbonero; thanks to CH)
Bob Sheppard’s honey-dipped voice must be spinning around in his grave after Derek Jeter’s actions against the Tampa Bay Rays on Wednesday night. For someone who is always lauded for ‘playing the game the right way’, Jeter’s actions were despicable and an affront to the wonderful game of baseball.
For those of you who don’t know, a pitch was delivered to Jeter high and tight. He was unable to get out of the way and the ball struck the knob of his shaft (on the bat; get your minds out of the gutter).
However, it all happened so fast that the umpire thought the ball hit Jeter on the hand when he tried to jump out of the way. Now, if the episode just ended there, with Jeter quietly taking his base upon the umpire’s directions, then I would have no issue with the sequence whatsoever.
Unfortunately, Mr. Yankee, Derek Jeter, did not go quietly into the night. He hopped around the home plate area shaking his fist like a 12 year old who just discovered his penis for the first time. He grimaced in pain and engaged in all sorts of embarrassing histrionics.
Captain America even called the trainer out to look at his phantom injury. It was really quite the acting performance. Jeter’s pop tart, Minka Kelly, should have taken some notes.
Jeter got his free base and the next batter hit a two run home run. Luckily, the baseball Gods abhorred Jeter’s actions and forced the Yankees to ultimately lose the game and their division lead in one fell swoop.
Number 2 even had the audacity to shrug the entire situation off after the game with a stupid, shit-eating grin stapled to his pretty boy face. With instant replay so readily available, everyone on the continent knows that Jeter is a liar and a faker.
I’ve never liked the guy, but I always had begrudging respect for him. Not anymore. He’s a bum. I hope he never gets to 3000 hits and contracts some new super strain of VD.
Plus, I’ve had to listen to a plethora of talking heads commend Jeter for being ‘smart.’
What the fuck?
If A-Rod did the same thing, every media personality in the world would be trying to burn him at the stake. Bud Selig would probably suspend him for fifty games and we’d have to protect our children from Rodriguez’s abhorrent behaviour.
It’s ridiculous. And now my left arm hurts.
Have a great weekend.
(BOD - Ines Sainz)
Before I begin today’s discussion, I just want to allow my rainbow liberal readers to start bunching their panties up now and start formulating some needlessly tired comment on equality and feminism and blah, blah, blah.
Ready?
(Quick aside: Nice performance by Kyle Drabek last night. Not showing off, not falling behind. He put forth a solid effort in his first major league start and showed tremendous poise for a rookie in his big league debut. Do I still wish we had Roy Halladay instead? Absolutely)
A kerfuffle over female reporters being allowed in male locker rooms has been a much-debated subject over the past couple of days. Ines Sainz, of TV Azteca, went into to the New York Jets locker room to interviewing their quarterback, Dirty Sanchez, who is of Mexican descent.
Now, Sainz is a bombshell (evidenced by her status as the BOD). Thus, she is exponentially better looking than 99% of reporters who ever venture into professional sports locker rooms. Obviously, the players on the Jets roster were impressed with the physical attributes of Miss Sainz.
This is where the story gets murky.
Allegedly, when she was in the locker room, Sainz was showered with demeaning comments and derisive catcalls, the nature of which is never made explicit. So, we don’t actually know what was said. Also, a Jets coach is accused of throwing balls (of the football variety) in Sainz’s direction on the practice field in order for his players to catch a closer glimpse of the Mexican goddess.
Now I can’t condone rude comments made directly to Sainz’s face. That’s just immature, loutish behaviour. However, if some of the comments and catcalls were overheard by other media members, and not within Sainz’s earshot, then they should never have been reported in the first place.
Let me speak for the male species. When we see hot chicks, we talk about them. Always have, always will. The hotter the woman, the more we’ll say. Sure, the comments could be considered demeaning or offensive but, newsflash, men are pigs. And we would never say these things so the woman could actually hear. That would ruin any chance we’d have at sleeping with her (Yes, this is how our minds work).
The fact the coach throwing balls in her direction is even an issue is the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life. That is literally the first game every boy learns to run when trying to attract the attention of pretty girls.
You’re playing tag at recess; run around where the girls are playing. Playing basketball; pick the basket closest to the girls. This is picking up chicks 101. I think it’s hilarious that millionaire football players have to resort to such sophomoric hijinx to get the attention of a female reporter.
Here’s a personal example: when Gretzpo and I have done our past Caribbean vacations and we’re playing long toss on the beach, we always throw in the direction of where the most babes are located. It’s just common sense.
Clinton Portis, of the Washington Redskins, got into hot water when he made some comments on the radio about this situation. He basically said, and I’m paraphrasing to make Portis sound more coherent, a woman who goes into a locker room with an opportunity to look at 53 naked men is going to sneak a peek or two. She’s probably going to be attracted to someone. There’s nothing wrong with that if it’s subtle, but it’s human nature. I’m sure she’s there to do her job, but she’s also going to be checking someone out. I would do the same.
Portis’ comments are being investigated by the NFL. Are you fucking kidding me? Who gives a shit? He’s speaking the truth.
Everyone is so damn sensitive about everything these days. We all need to lighten up and just enjoy life more.
Getting back to the column title, Jack Morris called this over twenty years ago. He was against female reporters in the locker room for this very reason. His quote when asked about the issue is still my favourite sports quote of all time (Yes, I know I’ve discussed this before):
“The only time I want to talk to a woman when I’m naked is if I’m on top of her or she’s on top of me.”
(BOD - Cheryl Cole)
Today’s column topic comes courtesy of my cohort, CSzem. Apparently, his tears have dried over the Cowboys apathetic performance Sunday night and he has thrown himself back into news rushing across the sports landscape.
I’m not sure why he didn’t just write the column himself if he was so passionate about Eric Tillman miraculously acquiring another managerial job in the Canadian Football League. I can only assume that he realized his writing ability pales in comparison to mine and he wanted this discussion to be started by one of my extraordinarily written masterpieces.
I’m not terribly enthused about this topic because it forced me to do some cursory research on a league I don’t give two shits about. I’d rather watch the WNBA than a CFL game, but I digress.
Back in January, Eric Tillman was charged with the sexual assault of his 16 year old babysitter. I spent a few paragraphs giving my thoughts on the subject and then I put the issue to bed. Here’s what I said at the time:
Apparently, Tillman went up behind the girl, put his fingers through the belt loops on her hips and pulled her towards him. And then . . .
That’s it.
What? How is that sexual assault? Yes, what he did was creepy and wrong, but there is no way that should be considered sexual assault, which is a serious crime.
If grabbing a girl’s hips is sexual assault, then I have to go consult with an attorney after I’m done here. I might be in a little bit of trouble. Has anyone in the Saskatchewan judicial system ever been to a bar on a Saturday night?
Eric Tillman: guilty of being a creep, yes; guilty of sexual assault, not a chance.
I still stand by my previous comments. Yes, what Tillman did was categorically wrong and I’d want to beat the shit out of him if I was the girl’s father, but I hardly consider that a crime. And before some readers condemn me for being an incorrigible prick, the courts agreed with me. Tillman doesn’t have a criminal record and he was absolutely discharged from the crime.
That being said, I have no bloody clue why the Edmonton Eskimos would be willing to hire Tillman in such a public position. The negative publicity that will stem from this hire will be legendary in Western Canada. For some reason, most Canadians don’t think men in their 40s should grope young girls.
I know, I think it’s ridiculous too.
I’m sure that Tillman has a fantastic football mind, evidenced by his three Grey Cup Championships as a general manager, but why in holy hell would Edmonton put him as the face of the front office.
Bury him in the scouting department and let him run the team behind the scenes like a puppeteer pulling a marionette’s strings. Don’t let him be a visible entity of your team.
Apparently, the Eskimos are a terrible team which isn’t surprising considering they couldn’t pass a media 101 class. Why would anyone expect they could play football too?
I have an idea for Edmonton’s next genius move: maybe bring in OJ Simpson to be the offensive coordinator. It would probably take some heat off of the Tillman hiring.
(BOD - Edyta)
I can’t believe we’re here already. In just two, short hours, we will find out what fame-seeking whore who doesn’t deserve to win a game of bingo will be rewarded with a $250,000 cash prize for living in a mansion and having sex with a plethora of beautiful people.
I love America.
8:02 – “I’m really falling hard for Dave.” Really, Natalie? You’ve already admitted to fooling around with Jesse B and Kovacs at some point in the past. Are you falling hard for Dave or just serving the next customer in line like you’re a New York style delicatessen?
8:09 – Did Elizabeth just threaten Kovacs if he checks out their female dance instructor? What the hell is wrong with her? She is the poster child for needy, psycho, bitchy women.
8:11 – Finally Kovacs is showing some balls. That’s right, my man, you ogle that fine European ass.
8:12 – Hey, this Louis guy is dancing with my man! Hands off, dandy boy!
8:12 – I guarantee Kovacs has a raging erection during this scene and, honestly, who can blame him. That broad’s ass is unreal; like it was sculpted by Michelangelo himself.
8:14 – “Let’s just get to the point and get it over with.” That perfectly encapsulates my philosophy on sex.
8:15 – Newsflash, Elizabeth! You are nowhere near as hot as Edyta. That’s like comparing prime rib to a pile of dog shit.
8:21 – How much does Dave’s outfit cost and how I do get my hands on one?
8:22 – Kitptyn looks like a five year old ring bearer. Who dressed him?
8:24 – Dear God, I can’t believe Trista used to be considered ‘hot’ by reality TV terms. We’ve come a long way.
8:26 – Am I gay for watching this? Don’t answer that.
8:27 – I have no idea what I’m watching, but I’m pretty sure Kovacs and Elizabeth are terrible.
8:28 – Just got a text message from Cousin Tewks: “I think you and I dancing together would do better than Elizabeth and Kovacs.” Unfortunately, he’s not wrong.
8:33 – Are David and Natalie at a rave? I feel like I’m watching a Miami Sound Machine music video.
8:36 – Tenley is a fucking moron. I hate myself for being attracted to her.
8:45 – Haha, Dave just basically broke up with Natalie. “It’s too bad we live in different cities . . .” Yeah, I’m sure Dave is broken up about it. Now he just has thousands of women and one man who writes a blog vying for his affections. I’m sure he’ll be fine.
8:52 – What a great moment. Dave gets to stay and Elizabeth and her shitty hair have to go home. Plus, Kovacs is now a free man. Run, brother. Run!!
9:04 – Kovacs got rid of Elizabeth!! Atta boy!! Finally, he’s thinking clearly. Now, he’s out there swinging, bee-bopping and scatting all over the place.
9:09 – Why does Dave have a shirt on? This is bullshit.
9:17 – All of these broads ripping Dave apart are just jealous that he won’t sleep with them. Move on, ladies. Its ok, Dave, I have the same problem.
9:20 – The look on Craig’s face when Michelle said they allegedly hooked up was fantastic. Just pure, unadulterated arrogance. He, Dave, and I really need to go out drinking together.
9:27 – This is such a blatant ripoff of Survivor that I don’t even want to comment on this ‘final tribal council’ bullshit.
9:31 – Is Tenley really talking about her divorce again? And how she most likely got a mortgage for a house she couldn’t afford and then lost it? So, everyone should reward her financial stupidity? I hate her so much.
9:42 – The three man bro hug between Dave, Wes, and Kovacs was the most exciting moment of the season for me.
9:48 – This is a pretty cool little twist they have to divvy up the money. I’m legitimately excited to see what they pick.
9:54 – Nice fakeout by Natalie! She had me going there. Those are some pretty sweet acting chops, I must admit.
9:59 – They say love don’t come easy………….Go fuck yourself Wes.
What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.
(BOD - Chelsea Handler)
We touched on a variety of topics in today's podcast:
- My Sunday plans and my reason for knowing much less than usual
- CSzem's endangerment of his son
- The Dallas Cowboys choke job
- US Open
- BMW Championship
- Kyle Drabek
Talkin' with Tewks Live - Potpourri
Enjoy.
(BOD - The Fox)
Today’s column fits in nicely with the themes of the previous two days. Some might say that’s due to my high-level thinking and supreme ability to craft relevant, knowledgeable posts each and every week in an overarching goal of journalistic greatness. Or it’s akin to pulling a rabbit out a hat (or a gerbil out of Richard Gere’s ass).
The NFL season kicked off last night in a rematch of last year’s NFC Championship game, pitting the New Orleans Saints against the Minnesota Vikings and their peerless quarterback, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre. This is real football, ladies and gentleman; not CIS, my quarterback can only throw the ball 25 yards with a spiral and my running back runs the 40 yard dash in 6 flat, crap.
Speaking of Favre, Papa Tewks nearly sprained an ankle jumping on number four’s bandwagon. Papa Tewks was so happy that his boyfriend was back in his life, he looked like a five year old kid on Christmas morning. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if he slept with a Favre jersey underneath his pillow.
Begrudgingly, I decided to tune in. The first thing I noticed is that the game was being shown on the NFL Network. Much like Sportsnet One, the NFL Network is only available in a small percentage of homes in the United States, which means millions of fans were unable to watch the kickoff to the 2010 NFL season.
Second, I went channel surfing for the game around 8:30pm, figuring I would join the game in progress about halfway through the first quarter.
Nope.
Instead, I was forced to watch Bob Costas throw to a Matthew Good concert (are they still relevant?). Then, I watched Harry Connick Jr. lead some type of parade float up and down the field while a marching band played. It was all very surreal, but, unfortunately, THERE WAS NO FOOTBALL TO WATCH!!
Why do all sports leagues insist on starting games after 9pm on weekday nights on the East Coast? Yes, I know it’s all about the pursuit of the All Mighty Dollar and a bunch of other greedy bullshit. And I know that the head honchos at the league offices that think a 9pm start will ensure both East and West Coast audiences will be at their most robust.
But I guarantee that the East Coast numbers drop off precipitously after halftime. Why not start the game at the 8, which means that if you want to watch the entire game, you can still be asleep by 11:30 and not be a zombie at work the next morning.
I didn’t even make it to the end of the first quarter as my beauty rest beckoned. Yes, I sound like an angry, old curmudgeon. And this is at the age of 25. I can’t wait to see what happens when I’m actually old. I’m going to make Andy Rooney look like Mr. Rogers.
What happened in the game? Brett Favre threw an interception and the Vikings lost. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad game after all.
(BOD - Samantha Fox)
The details surrounding the doping allegations of the University of Waterloo football team continue to get more sordid and, luckily for us, more interesting. Back in March, nine members of the team tested positive for banned substances. The case sent shockwaves throughout the CIS as everyone was so surprised that good Canadian boys would stoop to such blatant cheating.
The decision was made to cancel the year for Waterloo’s football team. To me, this seems like a little bit of a knee-jerk reaction. Why punish the rest of the roster for the dumb actions of a select few?
The reason why I’m discussing this issue today is that it was just learned that, in addition to testing positive for high levels of testosterone and anabolic steroids, one of the players actually tested positive for Human Growth Hormone.
What?
Where in the hell does a Canadian University football player get his hands on such a designer wonder drug? More to the point, why in the hell does someone need HGH to play football in the CIS?
Are you shitting me?
The talent level of university football in this country is putrid at best. The best example I can give for the calibre of CIS football is the following: take the two worst NFL Europe teams in league history, get both squads rip-roaring drunk, and them ask them to throw and kick with their wrong hands and feet. That is what it’s like watch two Canadian universities play football against one another.
If I was the player in question, I won’t embarrass him here (truthfully, I don’t want to waste time by looking up his name), my biggest concern wouldn’t be the fact I got caught using HGH, it’s the fact I got caught using it to make Waterloo’s roster in the first place.
Really, pal? I’d maybe rethink the ol’ football career at that point. First off, Waterloo can barely play football; they’re too busy finding solutions to multi-derivative calculus and not getting laid to field a competitive squad. Waterloo football is the hemorrhoid on the butthole of Canadian football.
If you need performance-enhancing drugs, especially one as great as HGH, to make the practice roster on a CIS team, then you should just probably quit sports altogether and focus on your studies.
I would think taking the drugs would put too much undue pressure on me. If I took HGH during my own university career and didn’t throw a no-hitter every start I would probably pull a George Bailey and take a flying leap off the nearest bridge.
Using steroids and drugs of that ilk to play sports at a Canadian university is analogous to bringing a machine gun to a knife fight. It’s just not necessary; unless you really suck. Then you shouldn’t play in the first place.
And now you know.
(BOD - Jennifer Connelly)
Truthfully, I’m surprised I haven’t addressed this issue in a previous column. The Rogers conglomerate, in a fantastic example of short-sightedness, have decided to move the majority of the remaining Blue Jay games for the 2010 season to the their fledgling second channel, Sportsnet One (I’m not a math genius, but I’m fairly certain that ‘1’ comes before ‘2’ in the numeric ladder. I digress).
There are a myriad of problems with this move, none of which have to do with Rogers creating a new sports channel. There’s obviously a market for more sports coverage in this country and we can’t fault Rogers for trying to beat as much money as they can out of the sports cash cow.
TSN did the same thing with TSN 2. However, the difference is that TSN moved niche type sports that no one really cares about to their new channel (e.g. soccer, Nascar, regional NHL games, etc.). They didn’t move their number one sports property to a channel most of the country doesn’t have and don’t want to pay for. Plus, the folks at TSN obviously know how to count sequentially.
The decision to move Jays games to Sportsnet One is nothing more than a money grab, pure and simple. Rogers also completely alienated their fan base by making this move with little to no regard for their customers’ enjoyment.
Yes, I understand that the games are available under a free preview until the end of the season. But not everyone has digital television or can afford the extra cost in a lean economy to purchase the package that will include Sportsnet One. Also, did you know that Rogers is the only cable carrier that is even offering the free preview in the first place?
If you’re not a Rogers customer, you can’t watch Blue Jays baseball even if you have the desire or money to do so. What a giant clusterfuck this entire situation has become.
I understand that they are running a business, but sometimes there are things that are more important than money. Like fostering goodwill among Jays fans who have stuck with this team through shitty season after shitty season. Now, the club is playing some really good baseball, at the precipice of big individual accomplishments, and the majority of the country can’t even watch them live.
It’s a shame.
But you know what’s interesting? I don’t find myself missing the action all that much. And that’s coming from a huge baseball fan, so I can imagine casual fans are thinking the same thing. I can still read about the team, catch the highlights, and watch the odd game on the main net. I don’t need to watch every single game for a 162 game season. And I’m sure I’m not the only one.
That should be a terrifying proposition for Rogers. When the fans leave, so does the money.
Nice move, guys.
(BOD - Maria Kirilenko)
I’ve gone from being the architect of a poorly read blog, to a contributor to a poorly read blog... and now I’m the third stringer on a poorly read blog. Alas, with Tewks on the mound and CSzem undoubtedly tending to some parental duties tonight, you’re stuck with me for a Bachelor Pad recap. I will, however, take this opportunity to take another jab at CSzem’s lack of fortitude. As usual, “A Few Good Men”, and more specifically, PFC William Santiago, provide the context for a brilliant quote:
You’re appalled at my calling you out? This kid broke the chain of sportsmanship and couldn’t come out for a third set, to say nothing of the fact that he’s an athlete and it would appear that he can’t run from baseline to baseline without collapsing from heat exhaustion. What the fuck’s going on over at The
Onto the show...
8:04 pm: “Ew... why did you stick your finger up my nose?” Love that clip. Jesse’s the man. He’s got more action than anyone else in the house and he’s doing it acting like a 4th grader.
8:06 pm: Check out Gwen on Google. She’s 39!!! That’s why you’re an outsider ... you’re like the
Andrea Zuckerman of The Bachelor Pad.
8:10 pm: Does anyone else look into the girl’s briefcases while they pack to see what kind of underwear they wear? Or is it just me? I feel like Frank Ricard ... “Maybe she wears something I’ve never even seen before...”
8:12 pm: And somewhere an entrepreneurial 5th grader is looking to patent that awesome “Spin The Bottle” table...
8:14 pm: Nikki’s upset? Ugly people not fitting in and feeling left out? Now this is reality TV...
8:15 pm: Kovacs can redeem himself by picking someone else to save besides Elizabeth... it will go a long way in saving his manhood...
8:16 pm: Nope... he’s like CSzem. Picking Elizabeth there was tantamount to not coming out for a third set.
Peyton: “I may have screwed myself by not going to the fantasy suite with him.” What a delightful play on words...
8:17 pm: Nikki, Gwen and Ashley all go home. That’s a great lesson for all the young girls out there... get a bad boob job, go topless on a group date and whore yourself out at every opportunity... and you’ll have a 1 in 4 shot at $250K.
8:24 pm: Kovacs went to school at the “University of Pacific?” Sounds made up.
Haven’t you learned anything from the survey Natalie? No man will ever love you ... ever.
8:26 pm: Jesse and Peyton’s awkwardness is now the only reason for me to continue to watch this show.
“What are you picking at that scab with?”
“Drywall screw.”
And the way he said “drywall screw” ... like Peyton is a moron for even questioning why he’d be doing such a thing. Fantastic.
8:30 pm: Natalie likes Dave because he’s a “real man.” I’m pretty sure that’s the same reason Tewks likes him.
8:35 pm: Jesse’s a real team-mate out there – not throwing Peyton under the bus for her putrid balloon catching skills. Either that or he still thinks he can get into Peyton’s pants ... actually, that’s probably it.
8:37 pm : Sidebar ... the key to the water balloon toss is throwing a high, arching throw ... throw it as high as you can and then have your receiver step in if they have to... that’s why David and Natalie won this competition.
“I’m here to help Kovacs win. Not to ruin Kovacs chances of winning.” Thanks for updating us Elizabeth. And Kovacs was clearly lying about his support for Elizabeth... look how pissed off he was after that drop.
8:40 pm: Who would’ve thought that Natalie’s extensive use of handling balls would’ve come in handy during a challenge? Too bad there wasn’t a gas siphoning challenge ... then she’d really shine.
8:49 pm: There’s no way Dave sells out Kovacs. That would be like me selling out Tewks. Wait... I’ve already sold him out before... and it wasn’t even for a large sum of money... I think it was for a Snickers bar.
8:55 pm: “OH MY GOD THEY COULD BE TAKING A ROCKET SHIP!”
Ugh... you’re lucky you’re the hottest girl left in the house, Tenley.
8:57 pm: “I think Elizabeth might be looking for something a little more serious than me right now... but if a girl catches a bad case of the Kovacs ... so be it.”
Okay... a) the reason she thinks you’re looking for something serious is because you have all but professed your love to her. And b) don’t ever refer to your name as some kind of affliction or disease. I once gave a girl a case of “The Gretzpo” ... three weeks of rest and light antibiotics later and she wouldn’t return my calls. What a bitch...
9:13 pm: Some deep, deep comments by Dave there on that one on one about his father. It sounded like a live, spoken word intro to a Springsteen song.
9:16 pm: I have not seen a single episode of “The Event” ... but it’s over-hype is already pissing me off. Ditto for “Chase”.
9:19 pm: I hope Chris Harrison nails them with an infraction on this fantasy suite steal.
9:20 pm: Okay... Kovacs showing me something here... talking like a frat boy in the sack:
“So... do you want to get naked? If you do... that’s cool... whatever. Is that awesome? Or is that...?”
Honestly... it’s almost like “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.”
9:22pm: “I kind of feel like a stupid girl.”
a) You are a stupid girl. Gingko Biloba.
b) I REALLY hope that there was some creative editing there. Otherwise Kovacs and Elizabeth went from “let’s get naked” to “I regret having sex with you” in about 90 seconds.
9:23 pm: There it is! Elizabeth to Kovacs: “I love you!” Maybe he didn’t hear her... maybe he has problems hearing out of his left ear. Or maybe he heard her the first time ... either way... that’s a big mozza ball hanging out there.
9: 27 pm: Okay... this is kind of weird... Dave the next day is wearing the same shirt that Kovacs wore when he slept with Elizabeth the night before. Now... I know they’re bromancing it up here... but that’s ridiculous. First Wes wearing his boxers in the whirlpool and now this... are there no laundry facilities on-site?
9:32 pm: Did anyone else feel that there was an inordinate amount of close-ups of Kiptyn cutting up the chicken? I was half expecting him to slice his finger off...
9:37 pm: Jesse B and Peyton are going home tonight... these shows always try and throw in a wrench to the plans that never comes to fruition.
9:39 pm: Nevermind... this whole “singles” voting has thrown a wrench into my above theory. I have over-used the wrench throwing analogy. It really has thrown a wrench into the flow of this post.
9:43 pm: “This isn’t about friendship, it’s about the game.” Yeah... after you fuck someone out of $250K we’ll see how much longer you’re friends with him.
9:51 pm: And things played out exactly like they were supposed to. Now I have to see Peyton cry.
Next week: Nice little bit of Dancing with The Stars cross promotion ... and Dave gets spun with a homosexual during rehearsal. Somewhere Tewks is smiling.
As always, comments are welcome... please post below.
(BOD - Bridgette Wilson)
Since no one seems to be interested in my Jersey Shore recaps (et tu, Mrs. CSzem?), there will be no column today.
Why?
Because this is the one weekend a year where I can relive my past glory. I will be making a trek up to visit my alma mater for a baseball alumni tournament today. Basically, the baseball is secondary to drinking some adult beverages with past teammates and pretty much acting like a bunch of ruh-tards for 48-72 hours.
I literally cannot wait. Also, there will be no podcast on Monday because it’s Labour Day and the last thing I’m doing on a day that is dedicated to employment is actually working.
Have a great holiday weekend.
Be back on Tuesday with a Bachelor Pad recap.
(BOD - Stephanie McMahon)
Predictably, both CSzem and Gretzpo responded to my barbs in yesterday’s column with explanations and stats that I stopped paying attention to early on in their posts. All they really proved is that they need to get out more and, perhaps, work on their own baseball skills which are tremendously lacking.
I found it interesting that they were both so quick to jump on me, when one of them can’t play a tennis match without his ovaries forcing him to retire and the other wouldn’t be able to lift 15lbs over his head were it not for my esteemed influence.
But I digress.
Apparently, Canada is currently engaged in the World Basketball Championships and this is the first I’ve heard of it. And the only reason I’m discussing it now is that I’ve read this morning that we’ve gone 0-4 thus far and now have no chance of making it to the playoff round.
First, I’d like to address the ridiculous-ness of a tournament where a team go can 2-3 in round robin play and make the playoff round. In what dimension of the sporting landscape should a losing record be rewarded with a playoff spot?
Canada’s last game is this morning versus Spain. All sign point to another loss and a winless record at the tournament.
I’m going to assume that such futility was expected considering the lack of coverage of this championship at home. Though we created the game, we’ve never been a world power in the sport. However, it’s tad disconcerting when we’re losing to countries like Lebanon and Lithuania.
I’m not positive that these countries have municipal infrastructure or indoor plumbing and they’re kicking our
ass on the basketball court. Intrigued, I delved a little deeper into our squad to see why we can’t win a game.
Jesus, that was pretty grim. I have literally never heard of anyone on Canada’s roster. We must have players with a better pedigree than this, don’t we? The most famous name on the roster is Coach Leo Rautins. Can Rautins even be considered a good coach? Sure, he makes good insights and can tell some funny anecdotes on Raptors broadcasts, but I kind of want a guy who knows the intricacies of the X’s and O’s of the game leading our country against other basketball nations.
Some further research told me that we actually were forced to qualify for this tournament. So, there are countries out there who are worse than us. Sure, some of them may not know what basketball is, but I’m willing to take this moral victory.
Truthfully, I think that attitude is the problem with out nation’s sporting endeavours. In too many sports (other than curling or hockey) we have a ‘happy to be here’ mentality that will not get us anywhere on the world stage.
We showed some grit and sandpaper at the Olympics by not taking anyone’s shit and trying to ‘Own the Podium.’ Well, there’s no reason why that goal should have stopped in Vancouver.
(BOD - Dharma)
This will be an admittedly brief column. My baseball team had their first playoff game last night and I had the ball on the bump. We fired the first salvo, winning the game 3-1 and putting a stranglehold on the three game series. Also, before the game, I was named Lefthanded Pitcher of the Year for the Greater Toronto Baseball League and received a plaque for the honour.
It’s much better than the World’s Worst Lover award I won last year.
Joey Votto, a Toronto native and first baseman for the Cincinnati Reds, is quietly putting together one of the best offensive seasons in recent, non-Steroid era, history. I’m not exactly sure how one puts together a year like this quietly (if Arod was in the same position, the New York media would be proclaiming him God), but Votto has managed to do just that.
Part of the reason is due to the fact Votto abhors the limelight and he plays for the Reds who, before this season, were best known for a bowl haircut, gambling, and a virulent racist as an owner.
A cover story in Sports Illustrated has given steam to the Votto hype machine and the North American media has slowly but surely created a ‘Triple Crown Watch’ during every Reds game.
As of this morning, Votto leads the National League in batting with a .327 average, tied for third in home runs with 32 (three behind Albert Pujols), and is first in RBIs with 97. The last person to lead all three categories for their league was Carl Yastrzemski for the Boston Red Sox in 1967.
It’s a wonderful accomplishment and harkens back to the romanticized notion of baseball being larger than life and such feats captivating a nation.
Unfortunately, this is where stat nerds like CSzem and Gretzpo (honestly, how they’ve ever experienced a woman’s warmth is beyond me) will bitch and moan that metrics like batting average and runs batted in don’t accurately capture a player’s offensive worth and other like bullshit.
You know what? I don’t give a fuck. Let’s take baseball back from these fantasy morons and celebrate the numerical accomplishments that have been heralded since the game began 150 years ago. If I have to read one article deriding Votto’s season because his VORP or Win Share rating isn’t very good, then I’m going to commit a homicide.
Nothing fancy, just shoot some guy in the head in broad daylight and suffer the consequences.
(BOD - Peyton Wright)
No boring preamble tonight. Your fearless leader has returned. Let’s start the insanity:
8:03 – I love how Dave called Wes’ bluff. “Or what?” Wes responds with complete silence. You can’t hide behind your guitar now, douchebag. Dave is such a badass. I’d like to have a fantasy suite date with him . . . If . . . you know . . . I was a woman.
8:06 – Why is Tenley crying just while filling out the form anonymously? She’s such a drama queens. Tenley has lost so much goodwill since her stint on The Bachelor.
8:11 – Is Wes in the pool in his underwear? Did he not bring a bathing suit? He might be trying to drown himself.
8:16 – Elizabeth is a moron. She is the epitome of shallow. Also, bad hair.
8:17 – Oh, that slip up by Natalie on the ‘dumbest’ question was fantastic. Why do they think Gwen is dumb? She’s like 50; she must have a lot of life experience. On the other hand, Natalie has the IQ of a cucumber.
8:23 – Yeah, we get it, Wes. You wanted to have sex with Gia. Give it a rest already.
8:25 – Why is Natalie upset that everyone thinks she isn’t marriage material? She said last week that she wanted to nail everyone in the house. A doting wife that does not make. Most guys do not want to marry whores.
8:27 – The look of pure fear on Kovac’s face when he had to write down who had the worst boob job was fantastic. He looked like he was going to shit his pants.
8:28 – What a puss job by Kovacs. He should have thrown Elizabeth so far under the bus; the silicone would have popped out of her chest. Instead, he pretty much just booked his ticket home.
8:36 – “It’s hard to have that stereotype.” Well, no shit, Natalie. Maybe keep your legs closed a little more and not take your top off on a group date. Some words to live by.
8:37 – Kovacs really needs to get his balls re-attached. He’s an embarrassment to men everywhere.
8:38 – Sorry, Kovacs; no one is jealous of Elizabeth’s looks or personality.
8:46 – Christ, another helicopter. The producers must have a few rides left over on their contract from The Bachelorette.
8:47 – Catalina? Are they going to the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer?
8:48 – I want to stop the cynicism for a moment: the ziplining looks legitimately fun.
8:51 – “You made my heart beat fast” – Tenley after her first kiss with Kiptyn. That could also be the onset of angina, dear.
8:56 – I love that Peyton said she wants to go on the date with Jesse because “they have a lot in common.” What she really meant is that she better get a rose because she nailed Jesse in the fantasy suite last week.
8:59 – Is it me or has Tenley not mentioned her ex-husband once this episode? I am completely sober in my drinking game tonight.
9:00 – Kovacs and Elizabeth make me want to puke. Did he just say she’s more important than $250,000 to him? What an idiot.
9:01 – Tenley’s an idiot too. Why wouldn’t Kiptyn take the rose? He wants to stay in the game.
9:02 – Man, they are throwing these fantasy suite cards around like no one’s business. I need to start taking a few of those with me to bars on weekends.
9:09 – Dave is jacked. He’s very impressive . . . Uh, I’m straight . . . I’m pretty sure.
9:11 – What the hell are Peyton and Jesse flying in? I think that might be Billy Bishop’s old plane. Or possibly the Red Baron.
9:19 – Jesse is hammered and he’s going to blow this. Haha what a lightweight. What a chump. He had a free lane to the basket and he ends up tripping on the free throw line.
9:23 – Peyton is officially my favourite girl in the house. What a classy broad.
9:42 – Krisily would give $250,000 to rip Dave’s clothes off and jump him right on the couch. Get in line, sweetheart.
9:54 – Krisily gets screwed by Dave. But not in the way she wants.
What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.
(BOD - Tina Fey)
CSzem and I discuss the injury that has derailed the bright future of the Nationals' Stepehn Strasburg. We also discuss a questionable decision regarding CSzem, Gretzpo, the searing heat, and the wussy fear of heat stroke.
Talkin' with Tewks Live - Strasburg
Enjoy.
(BOD - Miss Universe)
I am a genius. Read yesterday’s column again and tell me I’m not the greatest prognosticator of our time with my prediction that Tiger Wood’s divorce would be the best thing for his golf game. What does Eldrick do after I write that? Not much; just go out and shoot a tidy little 65, his best round of the season, in the first round of the Barclays Championship.
For today’s column, I decided to do a recap of this week’s episode of Jersey Shore. Really, Tewks, you say. You’re writing another recap of a trashy reality show this week? What happened to you? You used to write about pertinent social issues and have great writing talents.
Well, no, I’ve never written about important things and I’m little more than a hack. Plus, a pinch-hitter wrote Tuesday’s column, so suck it.
Here we go . . .
10:02 – I love Jwoww’s breasts.
10:03 – Is Jwoww like 6’3” or were those gay guys jockeys in the Kentucky Derby?
10:04 – Cousin Tewks is getting all emotional about the breakdown of Snooki and Emilio’s relationship. He’s currently looking for some Kleenex.
10:06 – Much like The Situation I also enjoys girls who are DTF.
10:08 – The scheming by The Situation, Vinny, and Pauly to separate and extract the grenade to bang the three decent-looking girls was like watching General Westmoreland figure out how to bomb the North Vietnamese in Hanoi.
10:14 – Angelina refusing to clean would drive me fucking bananas. That is one of my most fervent pet peeves.
10:15 – “Please hit the fucking treadmill” – The Situation to Angelina. Amazing and my thoughts exactly.
10:16 – Why was Jwoww smiling when she said that seeing Snooki upset breaks her heart? I don’t understand the emotional makeup of this show. And why would Angelina fly off the handle because they asked her to do the dishes? I’m so confused.
10:20 – Why is The Situation apologizing to her? So there aren’t any consequences for her actions and Angelina will continue acting like a huge bitch to everyone.
10:23 – Yes, Snooki, I suppose ‘sympathetic’ is a big word for some people. I mean it does have three syllables.
10:28 – The rain is pathetic fallacy for Ron and Sammi’s forthcoming blowout over his cheating.
10:31 – The shot of Vinny and Pauly saying they never saw Ron cheat on Sam and then the cut to the two of them laughing at it in the club was the funniest thing I’ve seen all season.
10:39 – Why do they wear sunglasses all the time? Are they playing a poker game I’m not aware of?
10:41 – Are Ron and Sam arguing in a shower? What is going on here? How did he turn it around so she seems like the one who made a mistake? The guy might not be as dumb as he looks.
10:45 – What is that noise The Situation was making when he found out about the note? They are all enjoying this way too much; these guido and guidettes certainly love drama.
10:48 – “If they end up together, she looks like the dumbest fucking bitch.” – Jwoww. That’s the smartest thing she ever said and I’m terrified that I agree with her.
10:53 – Ron has got some balls. Calling another chick, his hometown honey, literally five seconds after he and Sammi broke up takes nuts big enough to fit in a dump truck.
(BOD - Elin "Free Agent" Woods)
The big news that reverberated around the sporting landscape and the world wide web yesterday, much like a skipped stone flying across a calm lake, was that Elin Woods finally decided to divorce the world’s most notorious philanderer, Tiger Woods.
Obviously, this wasn’t the most shocking news in the world. Tiger made it clear that, through his various and well-documented dalliances with a cavalcade of trollops, he never wanted to be married in the first place. Actually, I’m a little surprised that Elin went through with the divorce.
There are a lot of celebrity wives that would have just turned the other cheek when confronted with their husband’s infidelities in order to keep their gravy train running. I have a sneaking suspicion that, if Tiger’s cheating never went public, Elin would have just grinned and bore it. Truthfully, she had to divorce Tiger for women everywhere; to let the sisterhood of the travelling pants know that she wasn’t going to let him get away with that bullshit.
I commend her for having the spine and backbone to rid herself of, arguably, the most popular athlete on the planet and a man who is well on his way to a $1 billion fortune. I’m not sure all women would have the confidence to make the same decision. Elin is somehow more attractive to me now.
However, I didn’t like how, as soon as news of the divorce was made public, she went running to People magazine to tell her side of the story. Now, I have no problem with her telling her account of the sordid story once, but that’s it. I sincerely hope she doesn’t embark on some type of media tour shilling and chatting for anyone who will listen.
Otherwise, she’ll just be looked at as another fame-whore.
I think this divorce will actually be a boon to the remnants of Tiger’s golf career. It was evident from his play this summer that the personal turmoil ravaging his life was adversely affecting his performance on the golf course. Tiger’s biggest advantage, besides otherworldly talent, always has been his laser-like focus and metal fortitude.
During his rounds this year, it was clear that Tiger’s mind was not on golf. Now that the divorce is out of the way and that stressor is no longer in his life, he is free to bang as many chicks as he wants and win a plethora of golf tournaments.
You heard it here first: look for Tiger to win at least one major during the 2011 PGA Tour season.
(BOD - Lea Michele)
It has been a long time since the Toronto Blue Jays organization have had a position player with the mental makeup and testicular fortitude of Clint Eastwood in, well, pretty much every movie he’s ever been in.
The Jays have had a plethora of pitchers with that bulldog, ‘take no prisoners’ mentality: Doc Halladay, Pat Hengten, Roger Clemens (albeit chemically enhanced), Jack Morris and Dave Steib. For some reason, which ultimately may just be a coincidence, the team has never had a physical presence in their everyday lineup with a little bit of a mean streak.
Think back to some of the top hitters in recent Jays history: Vernon Wells, Carlos Delgado, Robbie Alomar. They’re all happy-go-lucky guys with primarily sunny dispositions who are always friendly with opposing players. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s nice to see a player who doesn’t treat each game like some 1960s love-in.
I want players who don’t like the other team and want to get under their skin. I want to see a little gumption and grit from my ball team from time to time, just so that I know their competitive fire still burns brightly.
That’s why I was ecstatic to see Jose Bautista’s actions during Monday night’s game against the Bronx Bombers. After hitting a home run against Yankees rookie righthander, Ivan Nova, early in the game, Nova buzzed him with a pitch high and tight in his next at-bat.
As a pitcher, I have no problem with throwing inside, in fact I deem it necessary; and if I happen to throw it so far inside that the hitter has leap out of the way of the pitch, then all the better. Whatever I can do to take the batter’s mind of hitting, I will do. However, I do have a problem with throwing at a guy’s head intentionally; that’s just cowardly.
That being said, I don’t think Nova was trying to hit Bautista on purpose and I loved that Jose didn’t automatically charge the mound. All he did was take a few steps towards Nova and question his intent with the pitch. Nova didn’t back down and they began jawing at each other animatedly and then both benches cleared.
For the record, I would have acted the same way Nova did. I don’t want a batter walking towards my mound questioning my pitches. Fuck you and get back in the batter’s box. The actions of both guys were fantastic. Just two warriors facing off in a showdown that was reminiscent of old time baseball.
Jose’s next at-bat was pure perfection. He hit his second home run of the game, and 40th on the year, off of David Robertson. Immediately after making contact, Bautista flipped his bat in the air in a wonderful pimp job and slowly, and I mean slowly, trudged around the bases. It took him 28 seconds to get back to home plate, where he pumped his fist repeatedly.
It was the first time in years that a Jay has stepped up against the Big, Bad Yankees and said that this team isn’t backing down. The only way Jose could have made the moment better, or a more egregious GFY to the entire Yankees was if he pulled down his pants at home plate and waved his dick at Joe Girardi.
Who knows, there’s still Game 3 tonight.
(BOD - Natalie Getz)
A big day for Talkin’ with Tewks today. I was unable to watch last night’s episode of Bachelor Pad, a transgression that I would love to be able to rectify, but two great things happened as a result of my viewing absence.
My reason for missing the show was due to baseball. I pitched last night and, though the game events were decidedly non-descript (we won 5-4), by striking out the last batter of the game, I was able to reach 100 strikeouts on the season (I’ve always been a fan of big, round numbers).
Thus, I needed a pinch-hitter for today’s column. I thought I could entrust CSzem to complete his duties as my Number 2, but he begged off with some excuse that was never fully expressed to me. However, based on his disturbing comments in this week’s podcast, it probably had something to do with watching young boys play football.
In a fortuitous display of heart and hustle, Mrs. CSzem volunteered to take over the recap this week. This is a historical moment for the blog, as it’s the first time a person with two X chromosomes has been invited to write a guest column. We’re big fans of Title IX and women’s equality at Talkin’ with Tewks.
I’m so excited to do the play-by-play this week for Bachelor Pad while CSzem cleans the kitchen and takes care of OSzem. I’ll apologize in advance for any unnecessary cattiness, or dull comments...here goes!
8:03 – Deceit and honesty? Gia, seriously? You gave Wes a rose...WES!! You’re an idiot.
8:04 – I’d leave too, Natalie...this is bush
8:04 – Kovacs looks like the poor woman’s David Boreanez
8:05 – It looks like Gia needs to start puttin’ out to solidify her spot in the house
8:06 – Dear Lord, Gia’s crying already. She’s ridiculous! Who goes on a show like this with a boyfriend!?
8:08 – And now Tenley’s crying. This makes me embarrassed to be a girl! Seriously, we don’t all cry like this!!!
8:11 – So wait...are Kovacs and Elisabeth really in a relationship?
8:11 – Poor Weatherman...poor poor Weatherman
8:14 – Cszem wants to know what kind of pie eating contest could trump a kissing contest...douche
8:21 – Really, Gia? You didn’t think everyone was going to turn into porn stars on Bachelor Pad? It’s called Bachelor Pad. I think her dropping out was respectful, but seriously...don’t go on a show like this with a boyfriend and then flip out when there is a kissing contest.
(Queue PVR...OSzem is freaking out and CSzem is trying to cope...not sure how long I’ll be able to do the play-by-play without playing Mommy...)
- Wow! look at Natalie going to town on the Weatherman! I’m shocked she didn’t puke in her mouth a little bit...and I certainly hope that she wasn’t standing too close
- So happy that Peyton won! She’s not trampy whatsoever, so these dates should actually be nice to watch, instead of a sleaze fest!
- I have no idea what just happened in date selection other than trampy Natalie was chosen (so much for no sleaze fest on the dates!)...OSzem just puked all over CSzem’s shorts...quick wardrobe change and another PVR pause...apparently CSzem just needs to see these Vegas dates...
- Sorry Tewks, I have no idea what the timeframes are now until we catch up to live.
- Natalie is such a whore! “Ooops, turbulence!” Tewks, I know you’d be all over that but c’mon...whore
- Man I need a vacation...even to Vegas would be fine...
- Wait a second...I thought Trampy McTramperson was into Jesse, not Dave???
- No, Weatherman, you have no chance at winning anything in this house. You’re there to be the village idiot...
- LOVE Nikki’s white dress! She looks like a knockout!
- “I shoulda opened my mouth more at the pool”...ya...you probably shoulda!
- Bwahahahahahahahaha Fantasy Suite card! She’s such a friggin whore!
8:56 – Looks like Tenley’s about to get her heart broken...get over it. She’s definitely just a whiney as I remember.
8:59 – Thank you for the clarification Jesse! Your viewers much appreciate it...now why do you have a shirt on? I would like to see those tattoos please!
9:06 – Peyton, just believe that Tenley is a wee bit crazy!
9:10 – I definitely thought that Jesse was there to whore it up, but it’s not looking that way, unless it’s all a ploy to get a rose and further himself in the game. I’m interested to see how this one plays out!
9:13 – Kovacs, people don’t just think you’re with Elisabeth, you ARE with Elisabeth. Do you not remember the shower scene? Girls don’t do that for just anyone!
9:20 – And we’re back to Gia the moron...Wes is NOT a straight shooter! He’s there for one reason, and has not one single good intention in his body
9:22 – “They say, that love it don’t come easy”...learn some grammar, Wes!
9:23 – Gia – pretty earrings...dumb, dumb girl. Did she not watch Jillian’s season? He’s a slime ball!
9:33 – The whole Outsiders vs. Insiders crap was Gia’s thing from the get-go. I used to really like her on Jake’s season, even with her peanut-butter-mouth....now...not so much!
(I agree with Tewks, 2hrs is way too long for this show. I’m exhausted and need to go to bed...)
9:40 – is Natalie high? What’s with the whole coming out of the bathroom or wherever all frazzled and Krissalee asking her if she’s okay? “I’m just so chill right now”...or high? My vote’s on high!
9:47 – I haven’t even been paying attention for the past 10 minutes or so. I’m assuming that Elisabeth and Kovacs are going home, where they can continue their weird relationship of sorts
Longest commercial break ever!
9:51 – why is Natalie always wearing a tu-tu at the rose ceremonies?
9:54 - Whoa! I just looked up to see an ostritch around Melissa’s neck! WTF?!
9:54 – awh...poor Weatherman...
9:55 – Elisabeth looks like a hot mess! She looks so matronly in her jacket dress thing but is trying SO hard to be “young” with the blonde hair...one big hot mess!
9:58 – Yahoo! I’m so glad that Dave sees Wes as two faced...next week should be interesting!
Previews of next week! Worst boob job – Elisabeth HANDS DOWN!!! I’m so excited!! Natalie – biggest tramp!! Drama drama!
What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.
(BOD - Andrea Corr)
With National Football league pre-season games upon us, we figured it was time to preview the upcoming regular season. Because my interest in the sport doesn't really get going until Week 10, we stayed on the biggest stories and teams so I wouldn't embarrass myself too much.
We touched on:
- Favre and the Vikings
- Rex Ryan and the J-E-T-S!
- Drew Brees and the defending champion Saints
- Peyton and the Colts
- Brady and the Patriots
Talkin' with Tewks Live: NFL Preview
Enjoy.
(BOD - Jwoww's Breasts)
Surprising news rippled throughout the sports world yesterday when it was learned that Roger Clemens, one of the greatest power pitchers in Major League history, an alleged proponent of performance-enhancing drugs and a predilection for sleeping with fifteen year old country music stars, was indicted on charges of perjury by a federal grand jury.
I think everyone, including myself, was expecting this governmental axe to fall on Barry Bonds, who has his own perjury trial beginning in March. The news that the Rocket will appear in court first took everyone by surprise.
Let’s recap the case against Clemens:
He had an embarrassing display in front of Congress in 2008 when they questioned him about his alleged steroid and HGH use. He made up words (‘misremembered’), threw everyone he could under the bus (including his wife; when a Congressman asked about a shipment of HGH being delivered to his house, Clemens said it was for his wife to get ready for her Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot), and tried to get through the meeting with the indignation and arrogance he did on the mound for over 20 years.
We also learned some disturbing things from his former friend and trainer, Brian McNamee. Apparently, McNamee injected the Rocket in the ass (with a needle, not his . . . nevermind) multiple times throughout their professional relationship. Not only that, but McNamee testified that he kept syringes and other used paraphernalia with Clemens’ DNA (I hope just blood) all over it. That is incredibly creepy and more than a little telling of McNamee’s motives. Jesus, Roger, with friends like that, who needs enemies?
Clemens’ frost-tipped head should be shaking in fear right now. There is no legal force in North America that has the resources and dogged investigative prowess of the US government. Also, there is no way they would ever risk embarrassment by losing a case. Thus, the fact they’ve brought these charges against the aging Rocket tells me that a victory for the Feds is a slam dunk.
To think, all of this could have been avoided if Clemens would have just taken the route of Andy Pettitte and Jason Giambi and just admitted his indiscretions when the rumours first came out. Those guys continue to play, with clear a conscious, and fans still cheer their every move.
The most terrifying thing about this saga for me is that one of this blog’s one time guest columnists, Dwight from Scranton, may prove to be the Nostradamus of our time. He wrote this article in March 2008. How eerie is it that he may be one hundred percent correct in a few short months.
What is this world coming to?
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