Garbage Time with Gretzpo: Bachelor Pad Recap

(BOD - Maria Kirilenko)

I’ve gone from being the architect of a poorly read blog, to a contributor to a poorly read blog... and now I’m the third stringer on a poorly read blog. Alas, with Tewks on the mound and CSzem undoubtedly tending to some parental duties tonight, you’re stuck with me for a Bachelor Pad recap. I will, however, take this opportunity to take another jab at CSzem’s lack of fortitude. As usual, “A Few Good Men”, and more specifically, PFC William Santiago, provide the context for a brilliant quote:

You’re appalled at my calling you out? This kid broke the chain of sportsmanship and couldn’t come out for a third set, to say nothing of the fact that he’s an athlete and it would appear that he can’t run from baseline to baseline without collapsing from heat exhaustion. What the fuck’s going on over at The

Onto the show...


8:04 pm: “Ew... why did you stick your finger up my nose?” Love that clip. Jesse’s the man. He’s got more action than anyone else in the house and he’s doing it acting like a 4th grader.

8:06 pm: Check out Gwen on Google. She’s 39!!! That’s why you’re an outsider ... you’re like the
Andrea Zuckerman of The Bachelor Pad.


8:10 pm: Does anyone else look into the girl’s briefcases while they pack to see what kind of underwear they wear? Or is it just me? I feel like Frank Ricard ... “Maybe she wears something I’ve never even seen before...”

8:12 pm: And somewhere an entrepreneurial 5th grader is looking to patent that awesome “Spin The Bottle” table...

8:14 pm: Nikki’s upset? Ugly people not fitting in and feeling left out? Now this is reality TV...

8:15 pm: Kovacs can redeem himself by picking someone else to save besides Elizabeth... it will go a long way in saving his manhood...

8:16 pm: Nope... he’s like CSzem. Picking Elizabeth there was tantamount to not coming out for a third set.

Peyton: “I may have screwed myself by not going to the fantasy suite with him.” What a delightful play on words...

8:17 pm: Nikki, Gwen and Ashley all go home. That’s a great lesson for all the young girls out there... get a bad boob job, go topless on a group date and whore yourself out at every opportunity... and you’ll have a 1 in 4 shot at $250K.

8:24 pm: Kovacs went to school at the “University of Pacific?” Sounds made up.

Haven’t you learned anything from the survey Natalie? No man will ever love you ... ever.

8:26 pm: Jesse and Peyton’s awkwardness is now the only reason for me to continue to watch this show.

“What are you picking at that scab with?”
“Drywall screw.”

And the way he said “drywall screw” ... like Peyton is a moron for even questioning why he’d be doing such a thing. Fantastic.


8:30 pm: Natalie likes Dave because he’s a “real man.” I’m pretty sure that’s the same reason Tewks likes him.

8:35 pm: Jesse’s a real team-mate out there – not throwing Peyton under the bus for her putrid balloon catching skills. Either that or he still thinks he can get into Peyton’s pants ... actually, that’s probably it.

8:37 pm : Sidebar ... the key to the water balloon toss is throwing a high, arching throw ... throw it as high as you can and then have your receiver step in if they have to... that’s why David and Natalie won this competition.

“I’m here to help Kovacs win. Not to ruin Kovacs chances of winning.” Thanks for updating us Elizabeth. And Kovacs was clearly lying about his support for Elizabeth... look how pissed off he was after that drop.

8:40 pm: Who would’ve thought that Natalie’s extensive use of handling balls would’ve come in handy during a challenge? Too bad there wasn’t a gas siphoning challenge ... then she’d really shine.

8:49 pm: There’s no way Dave sells out Kovacs. That would be like me selling out Tewks. Wait... I’ve already sold him out before... and it wasn’t even for a large sum of money... I think it was for a Snickers bar.

8:55 pm: “OH MY GOD THEY COULD BE TAKING A ROCKET SHIP!”

Ugh... you’re lucky you’re the hottest girl left in the house, Tenley.

8:57 pm: “I think Elizabeth might be looking for something a little more serious than me right now... but if a girl catches a bad case of the Kovacs ... so be it.”

Okay... a) the reason she thinks you’re looking for something serious is because you have all but professed your love to her. And b) don’t ever refer to your name as some kind of affliction or disease. I once gave a girl a case of “The Gretzpo” ... three weeks of rest and light antibiotics later and she wouldn’t return my calls. What a bitch...

9:13 pm: Some deep, deep comments by Dave there on that one on one about his father. It sounded like a live, spoken word intro to a Springsteen song.

9:16 pm: I have not seen a single episode of “The Event” ... but it’s over-hype is already pissing me off. Ditto for “Chase”.

9:19 pm: I hope Chris Harrison nails them with an infraction on this fantasy suite steal.

9:20 pm: Okay... Kovacs showing me something here... talking like a frat boy in the sack:

“So... do you want to get naked? If you do... that’s cool... whatever. Is that awesome? Or is that...?”

Honestly... it’s almost like “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.”

9:22pm: “I kind of feel like a stupid girl.”

a) You are a stupid girl. Gingko Biloba.
b) I REALLY hope that there was some creative editing there. Otherwise Kovacs and Elizabeth went from “let’s get naked” to “I regret having sex with you” in about 90 seconds.

9:23 pm: There it is! Elizabeth to Kovacs: “I love you!” Maybe he didn’t hear her... maybe he has problems hearing out of his left ear. Or maybe he heard her the first time ... either way... that’s a big mozza ball hanging out there.

9: 27 pm: Okay... this is kind of weird... Dave the next day is wearing the same shirt that Kovacs wore when he slept with Elizabeth the night before. Now... I know they’re bromancing it up here... but that’s ridiculous. First Wes wearing his boxers in the whirlpool and now this... are there no laundry facilities on-site?

9:32 pm: Did anyone else feel that there was an inordinate amount of close-ups of Kiptyn cutting up the chicken? I was half expecting him to slice his finger off...

9:37 pm: Jesse B and Peyton are going home tonight... these shows always try and throw in a wrench to the plans that never comes to fruition.

9:39 pm: Nevermind... this whole “singles” voting has thrown a wrench into my above theory. I have over-used the wrench throwing analogy. It really has thrown a wrench into the flow of this post.

9:43 pm: “This isn’t about friendship, it’s about the game.” Yeah... after you fuck someone out of $250K we’ll see how much longer you’re friends with him.

9:51 pm: And things played out exactly like they were supposed to. Now I have to see Peyton cry.

Next week: Nice little bit of Dancing with The Stars cross promotion ... and Dave gets spun with a homosexual during rehearsal. Somewhere Tewks is smiling.

As always, comments are welcome... please post below.