A Bachelor Pad Recap Pinch Hitter

(BOD - Natalie Getz)

A big day for Talkin’ with Tewks today. I was unable to watch last night’s episode of Bachelor Pad, a transgression that I would love to be able to rectify, but two great things happened as a result of my viewing absence.

My reason for missing the show was due to baseball. I pitched last night and, though the game events were decidedly non-descript (we won 5-4), by striking out the last batter of the game, I was able to reach 100 strikeouts on the season (I’ve always been a fan of big, round numbers).

Thus, I needed a pinch-hitter for today’s column. I thought I could entrust CSzem to complete his duties as my Number 2, but he begged off with some excuse that was never fully expressed to me. However, based on his disturbing comments in this week’s podcast, it probably had something to do with watching young boys play football.

In a fortuitous display of heart and hustle, Mrs. CSzem volunteered to take over the recap this week. This is a historical moment for the blog, as it’s the first time a person with two X chromosomes has been invited to write a guest column. We’re big fans of Title IX and women’s equality at Talkin’ with Tewks.

I’m so excited to do the play-by-play this week for Bachelor Pad while CSzem cleans the kitchen and takes care of OSzem. I’ll apologize in advance for any unnecessary cattiness, or dull comments...here goes!

8:03 – Deceit and honesty? Gia, seriously? You gave Wes a rose...WES!! You’re an idiot.

8:04 – I’d leave too, Natalie...this is bush

8:04 – Kovacs looks like the poor woman’s David Boreanez

8:05 – It looks like Gia needs to start puttin’ out to solidify her spot in the house

8:06 – Dear Lord, Gia’s crying already. She’s ridiculous! Who goes on a show like this with a boyfriend!?

8:08 – And now Tenley’s crying. This makes me embarrassed to be a girl! Seriously, we don’t all cry like this!!!

8:11 – So wait...are Kovacs and Elisabeth really in a relationship?

8:11 – Poor Weatherman...poor poor Weatherman

8:14 – Cszem wants to know what kind of pie eating contest could trump a kissing contest...douche

8:21 – Really, Gia? You didn’t think everyone was going to turn into porn stars on Bachelor Pad? It’s called Bachelor Pad. I think her dropping out was respectful, but seriously...don’t go on a show like this with a boyfriend and then flip out when there is a kissing contest.

(Queue PVR...OSzem is freaking out and CSzem is trying to cope...not sure how long I’ll be able to do the play-by-play without playing Mommy...)

- Wow! look at Natalie going to town on the Weatherman! I’m shocked she didn’t puke in her mouth a little bit...and I certainly hope that she wasn’t standing too close

- So happy that Peyton won! She’s not trampy whatsoever, so these dates should actually be nice to watch, instead of a sleaze fest!

- I have no idea what just happened in date selection other than trampy Natalie was chosen (so much for no sleaze fest on the dates!)...OSzem just puked all over CSzem’s shorts...quick wardrobe change and another PVR pause...apparently CSzem just needs to see these Vegas dates...

- Sorry Tewks, I have no idea what the timeframes are now until we catch up to live.

- Natalie is such a whore! “Ooops, turbulence!” Tewks, I know you’d be all over that but c’mon...whore

- Man I need a vacation...even to Vegas would be fine...

- Wait a second...I thought Trampy McTramperson was into Jesse, not Dave???

- No, Weatherman, you have no chance at winning anything in this house. You’re there to be the village idiot...

- LOVE Nikki’s white dress! She looks like a knockout!

- “I shoulda opened my mouth more at the pool”...ya...you probably shoulda!

- Bwahahahahahahahaha Fantasy Suite card! She’s such a friggin whore!

8:56 – Looks like Tenley’s about to get her heart broken...get over it. She’s definitely just a whiney as I remember.

8:59 – Thank you for the clarification Jesse! Your viewers much appreciate it...now why do you have a shirt on? I would like to see those tattoos please!

9:06 – Peyton, just believe that Tenley is a wee bit crazy!

9:10 – I definitely thought that Jesse was there to whore it up, but it’s not looking that way, unless it’s all a ploy to get a rose and further himself in the game. I’m interested to see how this one plays out!

9:13 – Kovacs, people don’t just think you’re with Elisabeth, you ARE with Elisabeth. Do you not remember the shower scene? Girls don’t do that for just anyone!

9:20 – And we’re back to Gia the moron...Wes is NOT a straight shooter! He’s there for one reason, and has not one single good intention in his body

9:22 – “They say, that love it don’t come easy”...learn some grammar, Wes!

9:23 – Gia – pretty earrings...dumb, dumb girl. Did she not watch Jillian’s season? He’s a slime ball!

9:33 – The whole Outsiders vs. Insiders crap was Gia’s thing from the get-go. I used to really like her on Jake’s season, even with her peanut-butter-mouth....now...not so much!

(I agree with Tewks, 2hrs is way too long for this show. I’m exhausted and need to go to bed...)

9:40 – is Natalie high? What’s with the whole coming out of the bathroom or wherever all frazzled and Krissalee asking her if she’s okay? “I’m just so chill right now”...or high? My vote’s on high!

9:47 – I haven’t even been paying attention for the past 10 minutes or so. I’m assuming that Elisabeth and Kovacs are going home, where they can continue their weird relationship of sorts

Longest commercial break ever!

9:51 – why is Natalie always wearing a tu-tu at the rose ceremonies?

9:54 - Whoa! I just looked up to see an ostritch around Melissa’s neck! WTF?!

9:54 – awh...poor Weatherman...

9:55 – Elisabeth looks like a hot mess! She looks so matronly in her jacket dress thing but is trying SO hard to be “young” with the blonde hair...one big hot mess!

9:58 – Yahoo! I’m so glad that Dave sees Wes as two faced...next week should be interesting!

Previews of next week! Worst boob job – Elisabeth HANDS DOWN!!! I’m so excited!! Natalie – biggest tramp!! Drama drama!

What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.