Will the Miami Heat Lose a Game?

(BOD - My Wife)

(Quick note to CSzem who lambasted me in yesterday’s comments for having the gall to not know the names of a bunch of MLB setup men. A thousand apologies, sir. Yes, I should have more respect for pitchers who aren’t trusted to throw to more than a couple of batters a game because they’re not good enough to be starters. And let’s be honest: the only reason you know who those guys are is because you’re a fantasy sports nerd, whereas I actually play the game)

When I first heard that LeBron James was going to hold a one hour special on ESPN to announce his destination for the next few NBA seasons, I thought this entire free agent saga had officially spun out of control.

Really, LeBron? You need an hour of primetime coverage to make a 3 second announcement. During the preamble, I kept getting flashbacks to American Idol results shows where it seems like a lot is happening, but it’s really just filler until a decision is made.

I also thought ESPN was trying way too hard to be like CNN last night. Calling the program ‘Decision’ and having a bunch of talking heads say the same thing over and over again gave me flashbacks to the election coverage (or really anything that CNN covers these days). I expected John King to pop out of nowhere and start writing on his goofy touch screen video board.

But as soon as Jim Gray started interviewing LeBron the entire program became oddly riveting. I found myself excited for LeBron’s decision even though it has very little impact on me as a sports fan.

Did anyone else notice how terrified LeBron looked when making the announcement he was headed to South Beach? I legitimately thought he was going to throw up. Then we all realized why. He was basically taking a gigantic dump on the city of Cleveland and his thousands of fans.

If I’m LeBron, I don’t understand this decision at all. Look at what Kobe Bryant faced previous to the last two years. Everyone said that Kobe couldn’t win a title without Shaq; that he needed another superstar to elevate himself to that next level. With apologies to Pau Gasol, Kobe has shown he can win a title as the big dog in the yard.

If (and really, when) the Heat win a title, the same thing will be written about LeBron. He couldn’t get it done in Cleveland by himself, so he needed to run to Miami and get help. Transcendent players don’t need ‘help’ to win championships.

It will be interesting to see how this soap opera plays out next season. Can Miami’s rookie coach handle these three big personalities? How long before Pat Riley emerges from the wings to take over the best team in East? Are there enough shots and minutes for LeBron, Wade and Bosh to co-exist peacefully?

What happens if the Heat get out to a slow start? Miami has to win the championship next season. Anything else will be considered a failure. LeBron has never really been that great at handling tremendous pressure, evidenced by his spectacular playoff flameouts the past two years. And Toronto fans all know that Chris Bosh sucks.

The wildcard in all of this is Kobe. I guarantee he was sitting at home watching the hoopla surrounding James and viewing the proceedings with a jealous eye. He’s the guy with five rings and currently the real King of the NBA castle.

I’ll bet anything he’s making it his personal mission to destroy the Heat at all costs. Hell hath no fury like a determined Kobe.

MLB All Star Game: Everybody Plays!

(BOD - Julie Bowen)

Special thanks to AC for his comment on yesterday’s column which played a role in catalyzing today’s entry. Also, since it’s been so damn hot outside here in the GTA, I’ve decided to embrace my inner curmudgeon for the rest of the week.

In my degradation of the Tour de France for having an “everyone wins” policy, I can’t believe that I was going to let Major League Baseball off the hook for the abomination that has become the All Star Game. It’s quite sad and I’m sure old-timers like Joe DiMaggio and Ted Williams are spinning in their graves at what the Midsummer Classic has become.

Back in the middle of the twentieth century, the All Star Game was a tightly contested affair, played for pride and the chance at bragging rights. Players wanted to kill their opponents and show the supremacy of their league.

Now, it’s little more than a corporate schmooze-fest. I don’t even think the players actually want to be there, save for the guys making their first trip to the game. Speaking of the rosters, they have bloated to such an unconscionable degree that the game becomes a glorified exhibition with managers trying to cram everyone into the game with token at-bats and pitching appearances.

A quick perusal of the rosters shows the following: 15 pitchers on the AL roster and 14 pitchers on the NL roster. Are you shitting me? This is a nine inning game. If a guy can’t be a big boy and throw an entire inning by himself, then he doesn’t belong in the All Star Game in the first place.

I understand you don’t want a guy throwing four or five innings these days; since the majority of pitchers are pussies and couldn’t possibly handle that strain at this point in the season. But you’re telling me that you couldn’t get by with nine pitchers on the roster?

Check out the following names: Heath Bell, Matt Capps, Evan Meek, Arthur Rhodes, Brian Wilson, Trevor Cahill, Neftali Feliz, Matt Thornton and Jose Valverde.

Who are these guys? There all are pitchers names to this year’s All Star Game. Now I consider myself to be a pretty knowledgeable baseball fan, but I have never heard of any of these guys. This is a representation of the best in the game? No one outside of their immediate families gives a shit if these guys are in the game or not.

Not only did Major League Baseball make room for these nobodies in the game, but they idiotically have three Toronto Blue Jays, from an under .500 team, on the roster. If that’s the case, then surely everyone who deserves to be in the game is there, right?

Wrong. Joey Votto, currently in the top 5 of every Triple Crown category, is not on the roster. You have 14 pitchers in this game, but can’t make room for one of the best hitters in the game. That’s a fucking travesty.

The only smart thing MLB did was not allow Stephen Strasburg to attend the game, despite the protestations of legions of morons across North America. Yes, Strasburg has pitched well, but I usually like my All Stars to have not pitched in the minor leagues in the current season.

Yes, he has had some dominating performances, but I want to see a larger body of work. If Strasburg is allowed to be on the roster, then, by that logic, you have to invite Dallas Braden, Armando Galarraga, and that guy who threw a no-no with 18 walks.

There’s already enough crap in the game to begin with.

Will I be watching? Of course. The game is on a Tuesday night. American Idol doesn’t start until January.

The Tour de France is On?

(BOD - Angelina Jolie)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. In the late 1990s and early 2000s, the Tour de France was the ‘cool’ thing to follow on the North American sporting landscape. Of course it had everything to do with Lance Armstrong, an American, winning the most gruelling test of endurance on earth a record seven times in a row.

How typically American is that? We don’t care about sports outside of baseball, football and basketball, unless we are the best in the world. Then we’ll pretend to care about it and push aside our own grandmothers trying to board the bandwagon.

But much like one of the hellish hors categorie climbs that separate the men from the boys every year during the Tour, once you make it to the top of the of the mountain, the fall back down to earth can be extraordinarily quick.

Armstrong retired and doping scandal upon doping scandal plagued the event so much that the general public just assumed every rider was using performance-enhancing drugs; and, if that was the case, what is the point of caring about who wins or who loses if every competitor is chemically enhanced.

The organizers of the Tour might as well let them ride motorcycles around France instead.

Armstrong’s return to the tour last year piqued some cursory interest in the event (including yours truly), but his quest for an eighth title fell short and everyone ignored cycling for another year.

I literally had no idea the race was on until I read the sports section this morning. I found out that a Canadian finished fourth in yesterday’s stage (sweet!), but what I saw next completely undermined the integrity of the event.

Apparently, the Canadian, Ryder Hesjedal, was honoured as the most aggressive rider in the stage and he gets to wear a red number during today’s stage.

What?

The Tour de France already gives out accolades (i.e. different coloured jerseys) for the race leader, stage winner, sprinter, young star, and mountain climber. Now you get praise as the most aggressive rider of the day?

At this rate, everyone in the race will get a jersey for something. This is supposed to be one of then top sporting events in the world, not Grade 8 track and field day at public school. Who won the race? That’s all I care about. There are winners and losers in life. Stop trying to make everyone feel better by giving them something to celebrate.

Enough with the participant ribbons for just showing up and giving your best effort. That’s loser talk. And it’s also the reason why I will never again watch the Tour de France. Hesjedal should be embarrassed by the accolade. That’s like me being giving the best effort award for giving up 9 runs in a game because I tried my hardest.

It’s ridiculous and it’s why society is soft these days.

I feel like Andy Rooney.

The Bachelorette: Jake and Vienna Redux

(BOD - Jessie Farrell)

Today’s Bachelorette recap will be a little different from my usual fare. I was unable to watch the show live last night, so there will be no minute by minute recap. Instead, I will just give my stream-of-consciousness thoughts on each episodic segment since I’m hurriedly trying to watch the recorded version of the show way too early this morning.


However, the reason I missed such a great episode was more than worth it. I pitched last night and I was right in the middle of a bench clearing brawl. We were just crushing our opponents 11-1 and one of their players decided to run our catcher on a close call at home plate (which is illegal in our league).

My catcher rightfully took umbrage to such a classless move and shoved the guy hard in the chest. They started jostling as one gutless coward on the other team came flying off the bench and blindsided my catcher. They fell to the ground in a heap.

I flung my glove into the air like an NHL enforcer circling his prey, raced to the plate, and unleashed a glorious sucker punch to the gutless coward’s cheek. I was then tackled and all hell broke loose. Order was eventually restored and we ended up pumping those jackasses 16-3.

Stupidly, I neglected to follow Crash Davis’ advice, and I hit the guy with my pitching hand. It’s a little sore right now. Truthfully, I’m just glad I got out of there with my face unblemished. Their team definitely saw the sucker punch and were not happy that I remained in the game.

I have a feeling the brawl will bring our team closer together and be the catalyst for stellar play in the second half of the season. Needless to say, I had a fun night.

Onto the recap:

Roberto and Ali’s Date

- “Come be the king of my castle” – Jesus, Ali, can you be any more transparent that you want to bang the Latin Lothario? Why not just send him an “I’m DTF” text message.

- I would love to do this photo shoot; although I’d make sure Ali wasn’t in any of the pictures. I wouldn’t want her messing up my shots.

- Dancing in the streets? My God, the guy is smooth. Watching Roberto is like a How-To guide of properly seducing women

- They’re sitting at the back of the trolley. Apparently, Rosa Park’s reach can be felt all around the world.

- I loved seeing Ali refer to the structure as her ‘castle’ and then see Roberto subsequently ‘storm’ it.

- Ali can’t cook? Dealbreaker. She better be a wizard with a vacuum cleaner.

- It’s so obvious that Ali doesn’t think she’s good enough for Roberto. I’m almost beginning to think that’s true. I don’t think anyone is. However, I don’t think he can be considered the favourite any longer. Ali has way too much trepidation with him.

Ty and Frank’s Two on One

- They’re going on a helicopter ride? How completely original. Where did the producers come up with this one?

- Why do they try to make Ali look smart by repeatedly feeding her those historical tidbits? They are always so awkward and forced. Primarily because she has no idea what she’s talking about.

- Ali wants to get hammered. Fantastic. I see a lamb roast in our future.

- Ty likes traditional gender roles? He is not going to like Ali’s inability to cook. She really needs to step up to her domestic goddess duties and stop all this ‘worker’ talk.

- Ty really wants to say: “Your ambition and goals better revolve around your ability to have dinner ready for me when I get home from the office.”

- Seeing Frank tiptoe around his living at home was excruciatingly awkward. I’m pretty sure as soon as he told he was a ‘screenwriter’ she could have guessed he lived at home.

- Final note on the boring 2 on 1: Ali still looks amazing in yellow.

Kirk and Ali’s Date

- Kirk’s overwrought speech on how much he likes Ali reminded me of Champ Kind: “I miss being near you, I miss being with you, I miss your musk. I miss your scent.”

- How rude is Ali? She has ‘a lot’ on her mind. Who gives a shit? You can pay attention to these guys for a couple of hours a day. You literally have nothing else to do.

- Your date isn’t going well, Ali, because you’re acting like a huge bee-yotch.

- Ok, we get it. You have a lot on your mind. That phrase is approaching ‘I gave up everything to be here’ status for me.

- “I feel like I won’t be good enough one day.” Smooth answer by Kirk telling her not to think that. I would have said the same thing, but would have also added, “Unless you get fat.”

- Jesus Christ. Just what this season needs: more guitars. This is like Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.

Chris and Ali’s Date

- Oh, Chris just got the dreaded ‘friend’ kiss of death label. He has a lot of work today on this date. Hopefully, Ali doesn’t have ‘a lot on her mind.’

- This mo-ped scene is fantastic. They look exactly like Harry and Lloyd in Dumb and Dumber. I hope she pees on him.

- Could the producers have made Chris look anymore like a pussy by showing Ali getting into the literal and figurative driver’s seat?

- “A winery is a perfect place to let loose and explore our relationship” – So, she’s going to have sex with Chris on a decanter?

- Their body language doesn’t look too good here. I don’t think they’ve kissed yet.

- This is BORING!!!

- Nice move on bringing her a present. Chris just may have booked himself a hometown date.

Rose Ceremony

- I literally have no idea who’s going home.

- “I knew it was going to be hard, I just didn’t know it was going to be this hard.” – That’s what she said. That was the most entertaining part of the episode thus far.

- Does Chris not own a suit? He always dresses like a catering waiter.

- It‘s a good thing Harrison told us this was the final rose or I would have had no idea.

- I guarantee Ty is going home because Ali wants a ‘career’. Is reality TV star really a career?

- Why are they having this conversation in the rain? They couldn’t have done it indoors? I’d pull down her dress in final act of defiance.

- If Ali wants to be an actress, which I’m sure does, she really needs to work on her sad face. Right now, it just looks like she heard someone fart in an elevator.

Jake and Vienna’s Interview

- This better bring the goods because this episode has been lacklustre thus far

- I forgot how smarmy Jake was. I want to slap that smug smile right off of his face.

- I love how Vienna is trying to hide her inner trashbag whore by wearing a jacket. You’re not fooling anyone, sweetheart.

- After watching Ali for the past few weeks, it just reiterates just how ugly Vienna actually is. I wish I didn’t record the HD feed.

- You have to ask Jake for a kiss because he is a homosexual.

- Is Jake alive right now? He looks like a robot.

- Wow. The zingers are just flying back and forth. I can’t even keep up.

- Is a fake liar the same as a real liar?

- I want to hear “Todd the Gay Guy’s” side of the story.

- Is a poliagraph test the same as a polygraph test?

- If Vienna doesn’t have money or a job exactly how is she getting paid for that elusive ‘marketing job’?

- In Jake’s defence, I would rather update my Twitter feed than spend time with Vienna too.

- Vienna is working in Los Angeles? How convenient. She’s doing work at a charity with cancer patients on a hair product? I don’t think any of those words make sense in the same sentence.

- She is such a child.

- “How can you get sick of someone in the first month?” When you have the personality and looks of a tramp, Vienna.

- Harrison really needs to get a dictionary so he can let both of them know what ‘undermine’ means.

- “We don’t really care about the dog” - That comment by Harrison just killed me. Well done, sir. Give the man credit, he can run a good interview.

- “I don’t think she’s coming back” – Harrison is saving this episode for me. He should have his own talk show.

What did you think of this week’s episode? Who’s right in the Jake/Vienna debacle?

Talkin' with Tewks Live: World Cup and Wimbledon

(BOD - Carrie Prejean)

A busy weekend in sports led to a scintillating podcast recorded last night. Some highlights:

- A review of the World Cup quarterfinal matches
- Handicapping the semis
- OSzem's first podcast appearance
- A few geography lessons
- Sports trivia
- Offending a continent
- Some history lessons
- Wimbledon and the greatness of Rafael Nadal
- A tangent on the musculature of Tomas Berdych (CSzem threw me under the bus and pretended to not know what I was talking about during the recording. An hour later he sends me a text apologizing after he googled 'Berdych's quads.' It might be tough to explain that search to the missus).

Talkin' with Tewks Live: World Cup and Wimbledon

Enjoy.

Free Agent Frenzy

(BOD - Mila Kunis)

Before I get into the mind-numbing minutiae of the rumours of where the NBA’s top free agents will end up, forever (for the next few seasons anyway) shifting the balance of power in professional basketball, let’s all take a second to give thanks on Canada Day.

This is the greatest country in the world. People across the globe strive to be like us and everyone wants to be our friend. Except terrorists. They hate everyone, especially themselves.

Do you know what Canada is like? We are that cool friend you have, who you don’t hear from that often, but every time you hear his/her name mentioned it puts a smile on your face. And on the odd chances your paths cross at a party, the night is made instantly better with that interaction.

That is who Canada is. We may not be the flashiest or try to be noticed with an outlandish personality, but we instantly up the cool quotient of any room we enter. Here’s to you, Canada. Happy Birthday! Now let’s all drink a beer that has more than 4% alcohol to celebrate.

The funny thing about the NBA free agent period opening today is that I’ve completely lost interest in the saga before it’s even begun. We’ve been inundated with stories of where the top free agents are going to end up, if they’re going together, are they bringing their own coaches, and other like nonsense.

One thing that needs to stop in the incessant coverage is the lumping of Chris Bosh in with Dwayne Wade and LeBron. To say that Bosh is the same calibre of player as Wade and James is completely laughable and, not to mention, insulting to those guys. From now on, Bosh should be referred to as a second tier free agent, right beside Joe Johnson. There’s no way in hell Bosh should be attending secret meetings with Dwayne and LeBron trying to orchestrate a triumphant arrival to a major market.

If the big dogs are planning on leaving their current cities, then I feel they owe it to their fans to agree to a sign and trade. That’s the least they can do for the franchise they are about to destroy. Make sure they get something back in return.

The destination that looks to be in the lead for these guys appears to be the Chicago Bulls because they have the cap space and roster pieces to entice two superstars to come to the Windy City.

I don’t understand why they would want to go there. Michael Jordan owned that city for a decade and a half. In fact, he still owns it. There’s no way in hell either Wade or LeBron could ever match up to His Airness in terms of career success, so why bother trying; especially in a city where direct comparisons are inevitable.

It makes much more sense to carve out your own niche, and legacy, in a city that doesn’t yet have one.

If LeBron wants obtain mythical status then he should stay in Cleveland. If he does that, and wins a title or two, then he can become Governor of Ohio when his playing days are over.

This is the last time I’m going to talk about this, until we find out exactly where these guys are going. I’d much rather concern myself with sports stories that have definitive denouements. Like if Brett Favre is going to play football again this year.

Shit.

Have a good weekend. Back on Monday.

"What's Wrong with the Jays?"

(BOD - Zooey Deschanel)

I have heard the above question a multitude of times over the past few weeks: on TV, on the radio, socializing with friends, and at the ballpark with my teammates. And since the Blue Jays are currently getting waxed by the pathetic Cleveland Indians, I felt it was time to weigh in.

Everyone wants to know what is wrong with the 2010 Toronto Blue Jays. How can an offence that set a major league record for homers in a month fall so precipitously in less than three weeks? What happened to the young, lights out pitching staff that was taking the American League hitters by surprise?

The answer: Toronto’s stellar play in the first two months of the season was an aberration. It was an anomaly. A deviation from the mean. Only the most clueless and ill-informed Jays fans (cough, Gretzpo, cough) would take solace in a winning record over the also-rans in the AL and extrapolate that to a playoff berth over the course of a 162 game season.

Conversely, I am ecstatic with the Jays record at the end of June. With the roster the Rogers conglomerate has cobbled together this season, I would have bet the team would have been 8-10 games under .500 at this point in the year. The fact they’re two games above completely mediocre should be cause for celebration.

I don’t understand why, once again, the majority of Jays fans were swindled by the team’s hot start when they had yet to the play the big dogs of the AL East. The same thing happened last season.

This team is going to endure some major growing pains on their way back to relevancy as a potential playoff team. Actually, this brings me to my next point. The question of “What’s Wrong with the Jays?” is an apt one, but most people are looking for an incorrect answer to their query.

There is nothing wrong with the Jays this season; they just aren’t a very good team. However, the pressing issue is why Toronto has not legitimately threatened for a playoff spot since the early 1990s. I mean, good God. That’s almost an entire generation we’ve suffered through without meaningful baseball to watch in September.

There are teen pop queens that I’m sexually attracted to that weren’t born when the Jays last won the World Series. How terrifying is that?

The Florida Marlins have won two World Series and completely blown up their roster three times since Joe Cater ‘touched ‘em all.’ The real question is why have fans stood idly by while team management has run this team into the ground time and time again over the last 18 years.

Exactly how long is a rebuilding process?

***There will be a special NBA free agent column tomorrow, so I will be celebrating Canada Day a day late and no column will be posted on Friday.

The Bachelorette: Never Leave Voicemail Messages to a Scorned Lover

(BOD - Nina Dobrev)

It’s great to see new readers visiting The Bachelorette recaps and contributing in the comments section. Keep it up.

8:00 – Cousin Tewks has declined to join us this evening. Something about “having to work.” He doesn’t fool me. He just doesn’t want anyone to see him cry when it’s revealed that some low-life contestant is two-timing Ali with a girl back home.

8:04 – Harrison makes a house call at the start of the episode. This is exciting. I have a feeling we’re going to get a great performance out of him tonight.

8:05 – This seems fake. How did they get cameras to Jessi’s house in time for this call?

8:06 – Who the hell is Jessica? She is brutal looking.

8:07 – Jessica should get an Oscar for this performance. Actually, she kind of looks like a beaver.

8:08 – I bet Harrison was hard during this explanation thinking of the ratings bonanza at his fingertips.

8:10 – How could Justin call this girl secretly when they have cameras everywhere? This is the Rozlyn situation all over again. Something smells fishy. And it’s not . . . ok that joke is just going to be extremely inappropriate.

8:16 – Wow, Ali’s cutting right to the chase. She’s ferocious when angry. Imagine what makeup sex would be like? Ali is turning me on. She must be a tigress in the bedroom.

8:17 – Look at Roberto consoling her. He’s fantastic; always has his head in the game.

8:18 – I like this move by Justin. Just get out of there and don’t say a word. He doesn’t owe Ali or the show an explanation. He tried to make a move for his career and it didn’t work. No big deal.

8:22 – Where is Justin trying to go exactly?

8:23 – This is painful. He’s just digging himself a deeper hole. It would have been better to leave silently.

8:25 – STOP SAYING YOU GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO BE ON THIS SHOW!!!! Ali needs to get off of her moral high horse. You’re on a television show looking for a husband. You’re just a different level of fame whore than Justin.

8:34 – How long did it take Ali to memorize the placard of the name of that mosque? I’m putting the over/under at three hours.

8:35 – I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this exact bath scene in a porno before.

8:36 – If Ali gives Ty a Nuru massage, I may have to sign off for awhile.

8:38 – “Oh, use your hands.” – That’s what she said.

8:39 – Ty has some pretty good game. I’m impressed with his skills; although, I would have forced Ali’s hand underneath my towel.

8:43 – How do they go on day long dates and still have topics to discuss? Wouldn’t you end up wanting to kill the person around hour eight?

8:44 – Ty is a pimp. There are some decent guys left minus Craig and Frank. The top 4 are pretty solid catches. Shit, I need to re-evaluate my life.

8:46 – What the hell has he been talking about the last five minutes? I have a headache, but Ali seems impressed.

8:47 – Jesus, pal, take a breath. This isn’t Shakespeare; enough with the soliloquies.

8:55 – I’m actually impressed these guys even know who Rapunzel is.

8:57 – Craig is fat. And where is the chest hair on these ‘ladies’? Come on fellas, embrace your inner manimals.

8:58 – I would challenge the big, goofy-looking guy with the unibrow. It would show Ali I mean business.

8:59 – “You can’t grab anything!” – Kirk. He does realize that they were just supposed to wrestle these guys and not give out happy endings, right?

9:00 – I would go for the DDT or the Razor’s Edge as my finishing move.

9:02 - Craig wins? That’s like the Jets beating the Colts in Super Bowl III.

9:07 – She’s dating more than one guy, Frank. Suck it up for Christ’s sakes.

9:08 – There is zero sexual chemistry between these two. CSzem and his bookie have more romance in their relationship.

9:17 – I don’t understand. When I try to take a woman to a flea market for a date, I’m considered a cheap, heartless prick. But if you go to one in Istanbul, it’s the epitome of romance. It’s not fair.

9:19 – WOW!!! Little Tewks just snapped to attention when Ali came out in that belly dancing outfit.

9:21 – Yeah, Frank’s right to be bored. She just took him shopping for three hours. That’s my definition of hell. Shopping with a woman? My God, I’d rather put a gun in my mouth.

9:26 – “We need to discuss the bigger things.” What a perfect opportunity to talk about my penis.

9:29 – I think Frank just shot himself in the foot. “So long, four eyes” - Mama Tewks singing Frank’s swan song.

9:31 – He’s getting a rose! I don’t understand Ali’s infatuation with this guy.

9:41 - I’ve never seen grown men so disappointed at the cancellation of a cocktail party before.

9:46 – It has to be Craig who is going home. I mean he’s the only guy Ali hasn’t kissed yet. He must have an inkling that his time is up. Craig and his receding hairline have reached their nadir on this show.

9:51 – “I just think the romance was missing between us.” Translation: You’re ugly.

What did you think? Post thoughts to comments. And did the producers just tell us what happens for the rest of the season?

Talkin' with Tewks Live: Sixpack None the Richer

(BOD - Ashley Greene. This week's BODs are all courtesy of Rambo)

What a weekend.

Gretzpo and I absolutely terrorized the Eastern seaboard over the past few days and somehow managed to survive to tell the tale.

We recorded a podcast yesterday morning in Atlantic City to recap the weekend's events.

Some highlights:

- Crossfitting at a New York State Rest Stop


- Driving in downtown Philadelphia

- Greztpo showing his naivete at a downtown Holiday Inn

- The atmosphere of a Phillies game

- Phillies fans

- A Rocky tribute

- Atlantic City Boardwalk

- Supergator 

- Our drinking prowess

- Gambling with the BJ kids

- Naming the MVP of the trip and a new nickname for Tewks

Talkin' with Tewks Live: Philly Roadtrip

Enjoy.

Tennis Marathon

(BOD - Beverly Mahood)

Last night was a night of firsts.

No, not that kind of first. This lasted way longer than 37 seconds and the young lady involved actually enjoyed herself.

I went to a Dave and Buster’s and got the shit kicked out of me at a variety of arcade games by a member of the fairer sex. It was completely emasculating; although, to listen to AG and He Who Hits Bombs pretty much ‘sext’ each other in the comments section, that ship has already sailed.

Now, in my defence, I have never been one to play video games. I think they are a complete waste of time. Thus, my lack of playing time causes me to be terrible at them; especially if they require you to press more than one button at a time. You put me on the original Nintendo and I will dominate. On the other hand, I can’t even figure out how to start a game on the Xbox.

Not only did she pump me in the video arcade, but she crushed, and I mean crushed, me in a legitimate free throw shooting competition. That was tough for me to take. I don’t like losing in sports, especially to someone with two X chromosomes. The only game I was able to redeem myself on was the football throwing contest.

I dominated that event. I was like Brett Favre out there. I purposely eschewed the high percentage passes in favour of chucking up long bombs. My strategy worked too. Although, I completed less than fifty percent of my passes I managed to score two touchdowns in two minutes. Now that’s what I call a 2 minute drill.

After my beatdown was over and I was nursing my sorrows with a beer, I happened to glance up at the sports ticker. The ticker was running through the Wimbledon scores and I saw the following: 6-4, 3-6, 6-7 (7), 7-6 (3), 59-59.

What?

I thought for a second I was hallucinating. Or maybe the tears from my defeat were stinging my eyes. Two guys were tied at 59-59 in the fifth set of a Grand Slam? It was hard to process mentally.

John Isner and Nicolas Mahut have played each other for over ten hours over two days. Their fifth set, already a robust seven hours and six minutes old, would, in itself, be the longest match in tennis history.

It’s amazing that these two players are still upright after playing for such an epic length of time. To put it into perspective, in Cuba, Gretzpo and I played our tennis/squash mix for approximately two hours a day for our entire week’s vacation. And we were wrecked physically from that ordeal. I can’t imagine what Isner and Mahut are going through right now.

The happiest person in England right now has to be the guy who gets to play the winner of this marathon. There’s no way either of these guys will have anything left in the tank to continue on in the tournament.

This is the last column of the week. Early tomorrow, Gretzpo and I embark on a pilgrimage to Philadelphia to worship at the altar of Doc Halladay. The G20 isn’t going to stop me from seeing Roy up close and personal. There also may be a Rocky spoof in the works, along with a special roadtrip podcast.

See you on Monday.

Soccer's Final Destination

(BOD - Ashlee Simpson)

For the first time in my life, I planned my day around watching a soccer game. From the moment I woke up in the morning, I kept reminding myself to tune into Argentina’s final round robin game (notice I said round robin; GFY CSzem).

Sure, my lack of full time employment makes such an attempt possible, but it’s a valiant effort for someone who has never watched more than five minutes of consecutive soccer before this June.

So, I switched on the game right around 2:30pm and within minutes, I quickly became disappointed. My new favourite (make that only favourite) player, Jonas Gutierrez, was not in the starting lineup. How did I know this? Well, I would have recognized that hair and tight jersey anywhere.

I almost stopped watching immediately, but then quickly remembered that Maradona is still the coach of the squad and I took comfort in his fantastic reaction shots and all around combustible personality.

But where was Captain Jack Gutierrez?

I went directly to my sports oracle for the skinny on Jonas’ alarming absence. CSzem informed that he may have received a yellow card in a previous game and Maradona decided to rest the star for fear of getting a red. Or they were just resting him in general as Argentina was virtually assured of winning their group.

I can understand the decision from a managerial standpoint, but Maradona should really think of casual fans like myself and put his best squad on the field at all times to ensure the maximum enjoyment of television audience.

What did I think of the game?

Honestly, without an offensive-minded, creative squad like Argentina and without the histrionics of Maradona, I would have wanted to kill myself. Anytime Greece had the ball, I found myself looking around the room, searching for some paint to dry. Greece had no interest in matching Argentina’s aggressive style.

I can only imagine what it would be like to watch two teams play mind-numbingly boring soccer like that. I assume that’s what hell is like.

I sincerely think the flair of the Argentina squad and the genius of Lionel Messi are the only reasons why I’m able to watch in the first place. I mean I was entertained and I could appreciate pure athleticism and skill but, outside of the World Cup, I would hardly consider soccer to be appointment viewing.

That got me thinking of where soccer will ultimately end up on my sports radar (which is a victory in itself because even deep sea sonar wouldn’t have registered soccer on the list of sports I moderately care about as little as four weeks ago).

As I touched on in the podcast, I ultimately think soccer will assume a position beside Olympic curling and skiing in terms of my getting behind the sport. I don’t give a shit about skiing or curling in a non-Olympic setting. Anytime I see either sport on weekend afternoons on CBC, I can’t change the channel fast enough.

However, I am mesmerized by both sports during the Olympics. I think soccer will end up on the same level. I’ll pick a World Cup team once every four years to follow but, other than that, I will have zero interest in the sport.

I can’t see myself getting jacked up for a Toronto FC game, without first serving up my manhood on a silver platter to the estrogen police. So, all of you soccer fans better get your fill in the next two weeks because Talkin’ with Tewks’ soccer coverage will disappear at the conclusion of the World Cup.

Then you’ll have to wait until 2014 for the game to warrant a mention on here again. Actually, if I’m still writing this blog in the same capacity in four years, then I’ll have much bigger problems than soccer to worry about.

Bachelorette Recap: Chris N, We Hardly Knew Ye

(BOD - Miranda Kerr)

I am literally shaking in anticipation of what Kasey will do next. Great comments as always last week, let’s keep them coming. Props to Patty for continuing to drum up support for my candidacy as a future contestant. I can already out-baseball Roberto and out-cry the Weatherman, so it’s about time Tewks unleashed his fury on one lucky bachelorette.

8:00 – Another full house tonight. I’m joined by Mama, Sister and Cousin Tewks. Let the insanity begin.

8:02 – “Are you willing to do that?” – Kasey in reference to his tattoo. No, Kasey, I’m not willing to do that because I’m not a fucking moron.

8:05 – Love poems. Are you shitting me? What’s next? A guitar sing-off? Kasey’s already recited at least six terrible poems so far this season. I bet he’s trying to figure out what rhymes with ‘guard’ and ‘protect’.

8:07 – Chris N with some camera time!! That was so exciting.

8:12 – “I’ll be able to see her heart and she’ll be able to see mine.” I’m confused. Is Kasey planning on dissecting Ali on their next date?

8:15 – “I’ve got my shield ready to go.” Now, I’m really confused. Does Kasey think he’s in 300?

8:16 – Let’s give Chris N a break. It’s the first time he’s spoken in three weeks.

8:17 – “Ohhhhhhhh” – Cousin Tewks in appreciation of Kirk’s poem. The steak dinner we just had certainly didn’t make him any straighter.

8:25 – I would love to go sweater shopping with Kirk. Wait, I mean Ali.

8:28 – Rated R and Kasey on the 2 on 1 date? That is fantastic. Almost like Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III.

8:35 – Kirk’s story sounds like a case for Dr. House. He would have diagnosed that shit in 42 minutes plus commercials.

8:38 – Kasey can take the physical pain. Yeah, you’re a tough guy, mister fancy pants, with your cute little tattoo.

8:46 – “How do you guys feel about going down there?” I’ll go down, Ali. Oh, you mean in the cave. Never mind, I’m good.

8:56 – All of the blood in my body flowed directly to my nether regions when Ali stripped down to that bikini. My God. That was the greatest moment in the history of this program. That should win an Emmy.

8:58 – If I was Ty, I’d be trying to undo her bathing suit top right now.

9:02 – Ali is HAMMERED with Frank right now. This is hilarious. He should be taking advantage of her ASAP.

9:03 – She’s so drunk!

9:09 – Exactly how big is the helicopter budget on this show?

9:13 – Rated R think he’s on a game show. He’s in it for the competition and that’s it.

9:20 – Just show her the fucking tattoo already!!

9:22 – Ali is terrified of Kasey. She has had that fake smile plastered to her face for the last five minutes.

9:23 – “Here’s a piece of me I want to share with you.” In Kasey’s defence, I would probably say the same thing to Ali, but we’d be referring to different organs.

9:25 – Ali’s crying solely because she’s terrified that Kasey’s going to throw himself off the glacier.

9:27 – Justin’s a tool too. Yeah, we get it. You’re an unsuccessful professional wrestler without a future in the business. Give it a rest already.

9:34 – What look does Ali want in a man? Unbridled enthusiasm mixed with a serial killer’s zeal?

9:35 – Great move by Craig R with the fake tattoo. Funny and topical. Well done, sir.

9:36 – Chris N is awful. How the hell has he made it this far? That was excruciating to watch.

9:40 – “Roberto’s got some nice dimple action.” Surprisingly, Mama Tewks, not Cousin Tewks, said that.

9:47 – Harrison needs to spice up these interviews. I want the last five minutes of my life back.

9:53 – “Are you kidding me?” – Mama Tewks, when Frank got the rose. She really hates him with a passion. I think it’s the glasses. Or maybe the beady, little eyes. Or the terrible personality.

9:55 – Chris N is like the T-1000 from Terminator 2. He can’t compute human emotion.

9:56 – “I’m at a loss for words, to be honest.” And Chris N perfectly encapsulated his Bachelorette experience in one sentence.

9:57 – “It’s only going to get harder.” That’s what she said.

The scenes from next week look incredible.

What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.

Talkin' with Tewks Live: La Coupe De la Monde

(BOD - Candice Swanepoel)

I have to hand it to CSzem. His passion for such a wussy sport is really starting to rub off on me. I am following Argentina with a fervour and I actually contributed to this week's podcast with soccer questions and comments instead of just mailing it in and pretending to listen to what CSzem has to say.

Some highlights from today's podcast:

- More Argentina love
- Unveiling my mancrush on Argentine defender Jonas Gutierrez
- Comparing Lionel Messi to Daniel LaRusso at the beginning of The Karate Kid
- Discussing the pitfalls and benefits of dating Diego Maradona's daughter
- Adoration for the World Cup referees
- Condeming soccer players for their incessant diving
- Bringing red and yellow cards into other sports and life
- Vuvuzelas
- Determining when Miley Cyrus turns 18

Talkin' with Tewks Live: World Cup #2

Enjoy.

Tewks and Kobe: Kings of the Mountain

(BOD - Amy Adams)

Game 7 of the NBA Finals took place last night, with Kobe winning his fifth title and second straight NBA Finals MVP award. I think it’s safe to say, without hyperbole, that he’s the most important person in the history of basketball save for Dr. James Naismith.

Did I watch? No. I had to pitch last and I’m glad I did. I threw a no-hitter, striking out 10 and surrendering only one walk. I walked the second batter of the game and that was the only batter who reached base all night.

To prove I’m not making this up, check this out (scroll down below latest scores). What did I do after my performance? Did I rest on my laurels? Well, I did have two beers in celebration with the boys, but when I got home I went for a mile run, did 20 pullups, 40 pushups and 60 squats. I’m just like Doc Halladay (except, you know, not as good or as rich). There’s always work to be done.

Basically, this preamble means that I entrusted CSzem to cover Game 7, primarily because I wanted to see if he’d actually be able to watch the game without Mrs. CSzem murdering him in the process. Let’s see how it turned out:

Around lunchtime on Thursday (at least I think it was lunchtime and I think it was Thursday...as you can imagine the events of the last few days are a bit of a blur), Tewks asked me to once again "pinch-blog", as baseball would preclude him from giving proper credence to Game 7 of the NBA Finals - an event in which (as an avid sports fan and even more avid gambler) I would no doubt have a keen interest.

Never one to leave a friend in the lurch (or alienate a burgeoning double-digit readership), I agreed despite my unusual circumstances. I did, however, first offer a warning to Tewks regarding the following:

Due to lack of computer access, I'd be sitting in a hospital room writing my entry on my Blackberry. My fatherly duties would - of course - take precedence over the game at some point. And the only TV I have access to is old enough to be my son's father, and is located in a public lounge next to our hospital room, so I may or may not have control of the channel selected (assuming the rabbit ears work and we get any channels at all).

And then I think I clued in on what might have been the point all along. New Dad + Sports Freak + Gambling Addict + Limited Game Access = Entertainment (for others)....let the hilarity ensue.

8:48 - Fastly approaching tip-off, Mother and Baby are resting comfortably. OSzem has shaken off this afternoon's "procedure" (he'll thank me later), and a recent bout of the hiccups, and looks about ready to pack it in for the night. This might just go off without a hitch.

8:51 - So much for that. I don't think Mrs. CSzem ever liked that shirt much anyways.

8:57 - We've now got official clearance from Mrs. CSzem to watch the game. The catch: She wants to sleep, so O-Szem is coming with me to the lounge. Given the fact that I haven't figured out how to hold him with my left arm, and the fact that I am not particularly adept at typing with that hand, this should make for an interesting edit for Tewks before posting.

9:04 - Good start. The game is on and a nice lady gave me a better chair.

9:12 - This is going to be tough. OSzem freaks out when I move my left hand.

9:15 -  Airball by #5 in green. Never would have happened if Kevin Garnett was still alive.

9:25 - That's a crazy face. I think OSzem’s hungry.

9:32 - Not sure who had a better first quarter? The Celtics or OSzem? Let's see if either of them can hold this together for 4 quarters.

9:51 - OSzem's keeping it together. The Celtics? Not so much. Even Jack Nicholson has outscored the Celtics this quarter (that's a lie, neither of them have any points....although Jack managed to escape KG from killing him while diving into the front row. ANYTHING'S POSSIBLLLLLE!!!!!)

9:55 - The Nurse just halted OSzem's momentum. Something about "checking vitals". Doesn't she know this is Game 7?

10:36 - I feel like the game is probably back on. A few years ago, I might not have been mature enough to miss part of this potentially epic/historic game. Good thing I've changed.

10:37 - Oh for Christ's sakes. How much can a one day old eat?!?!? The game is on. Come on! Come oooooooooon!!!! No fair! All the other Dads are watching!

11:00 - We're back!! Wow, did I even miss anything? Did anyone score in the hour I was gone? Is Brian Scalabrine on the floor? What the Hell's going on?

11:13 - "If the Celtic's win, Daddy hits a parlay son. Do you know what that means?" (Aside from being able to afford next week's supply of diapers)

11:30 - This is the biggest shit I've ever seen. Am I talking about my son or the shooting at the start of the fourth quarter???

And that's it. OSzem's first Game 7 in the books. I'd love to call it exciting, but the game sucked for 45 minutes.

I'm off the change a diaper, and then toss and turn on my makeshift bed (i.e. two chairs pushed together) for a few hours.

Congrats to Tewks for somehow not spending 5000 words telling us about his no-hitter.

US Open Preview

(BOD - Vanessa Perroncel)

The United States Open Championship at Pebble Beach starts tomorrow and, to be perfectly honest, I had no idea the tournament was to be played this weekend until just a few days ago. In a normal year, that never happens, but this golf season just feels different with the continued trials and tribulations of Eldrick Woods.

Besides the Masters, Tiger has struggled mightily this year, whether it be with his confidence in his game or confidence in his injured neck. He seems completely mortal this year, unlike the Tiger of old. So much so that other golfers are actually starting to chirp Woods, saying he is no longer invincible and has chinks in his armour. The worst part is that they’re right.

Two years ago, Tiger would have filed those comments in his memory bank and bludgeoned the perpetrators by eighteen strokes on the golf course. Unfortunately, his game is not good enough to do that at this point. Maybe he turns it around this week, but I’m not holding my breath.

Ordinarily, I plan my entire weekend around the season’s four majors, but, this year, I am completely ambivalent towards tuning in or not. That never happens.

However, this is all part of a weird 24 hours for me and this blog. Last night, I received word that the family Szem has officially increased by one member. Baby Szem (from now on referred to as OSzem) finally made his appearance into the world last night after taking his sweet ass time for what seemed like an eternity.

Congratulations to Mrs. Cszem (let’s be honest, CSzem’s duties pretty much ended nine months ago and, even then, I’m sure it was a less than inspired performance)!!

I have two hopes for OSzem: that he takes after the mother in every category possible except for sports knowledge and he starts talking soon as we can groom him as a replacement host for the podcasts.

It’s very exciting as this is the first child of Talkin’ with Tewks (that we know of. There’s an excellent chance I have fathered a baseball team’s worth of kids all over North America over the past seven years).

The next weird moment is taking place right now as I write this. Currently, I am watching my new favourite soccer team, Argentina, play their second game against South Korea. I’m still not sure what exactly is going as I’m mesmerized by the hair on Maradona and the rest of the boys. In fact, I would prefer a camera on Maradona at all times; his reactions are way more exciting than the actual game.

He’s dribbling the ball every time it comes near him. Plus, he’s still looking a pimp with his coiffed hair and fitted suit. He’s the best. I really need to get my hands on a jersey ASAP.

Back to the US Open: a lot of pundits are picking a young gun to win this year’s tourney. I wholeheartedly disagree. The US Open is the most difficult test in golf. You can’t shoot a low number or be aggressive on a US Open course. You will get eaten alive.

Young golfers will not have the temperament to navigate Pebble Beach for four long, arduous rounds. In fact, the only player under 35 with a chance to win is Tiger Woods. Otherwise, look for the newest member of the fortieth birthday club, Phil Mickelson, to capture the second leg of the grand slam.

The Lake Show Guarantees One More Night

(BOD - Kylie Minogue)

Game 6 was tremendously exciting and enjoyable to watch from the perspective of a self-described Kobe super fan. At no point during last night’s contest was I worried that the Lakers weren’t going to force a Game 7.

And it had nothing to do with Kobe solidifying his status as the frontrunner for the Finals MVP trophy (is anyone else even close? Who wins it for the Celtics? Rondo’s been handling the ball like a grenade and can’t make shot from the free throw line. Ray Allen just can’t make a shot).

No, it had everything to do with Los Angeles exploiting their home court advantage and soaking up the atmosphere within the comfy confines of the Staples Center. I’ve mentioned this before, but the home team in an NBA game has such a glaring advantage with thousands of fans cheering them on in such an intimate setting. Plus, I’m confident that a loud crowd can influence referees to make subconscious (or conscious) calls in favour of the home team.

I was nervous during every game played in Boston because of that fact. Also, with the Lakers depending on a head case like Ron Artest it’s good for him to play basking in the home crowd’s love as opposed to hearing derisive chants from Celtic fans.

Speaking of derisive chants, every time Lamar Odon went to the free throw line in Boston the crowd would serenade him with chants of “Ugly Sister!” because Odom happens to be married to the least attractive Kardashian sister. No wonder he sucked so bad in Game 5.

I was surprised that the crowd at the Staples Center was so loud and boisterous considering it’s made up of so many celebrities unable to make distinct facial expressions because they’re loaded up with so much botox. Even Jack Nicholson was getting into the act, yelling and gesticulating wildly at several points in the game. He looked like an old man trying to get some unruly teenagers to stay off his lawn, but the effort was there.

The biggest difference between Game 5 and Game 6 was the play of the Lakers supporting cast. After Kobe was forced to pretty much play 1 on 5 during the second half of Game 5, I’m sure he had some choice words for his teammates.

In fact, with Pau Gasol and Artest playing so well last night, it wouldn’t surprise me if Kobe threatened to kill their family pets if they didn’t get their act together last night. And that’s why Kobe’s the best player in the game. Trust me, he is not letting his team lose at home in Game 7. He will, uh, will the Lakers to victory.

Speaking of supporting casts, who the hell is Shannon Brown and how did he turn Game 6 into his own personal slam drunk contest? He was incredible last night and had more energy than anyone else on the floor. If LA can get more terrific contributions from its bench then Boston is in big trouble, especially considering the Celtics bench was outscored 24-0 after three quarters.

It’s great to see Boston’s subs playing so lousy led by the moronic Big Baby Davis. After his pathetic preening and prancing around one good game he has faded back into obscurity and shitty play just like I predicted. It looks good on him.

Start planning the parade now Laker fans.

I'm Here to Guard and Protect this Bachelorette Recap

(BOD - Katherine Heigl)

Another Monday night, another episode of The Bachelorette. It’s like Christmas morning each and every week.

There were some terrific comments last week: from the Family Szem weighing in with their usual great contributions to newcomers Carissa, Rambo, and Gretzpo joining this season’s fray. Special mention to The Fleurys for the excellent rundown of the remaining contestants. Comparing Justin to Joran Van Der Sloot absolutely killed me. Funny, topical and the epitome of bad taste.

Let’s keep it going this week.

8:00 – We have a full house tonight. I’m joined by Mama Tewks, Sister Tewks and Cousin Tewks. Cousin Tewks is a 27 year old man with a predilection for romantic comedies. I think it’s quite obvious that manliness and testosterone do not swim in our gene pool.

8:03 – The travel graphic looked a little cheap. I kept getting flashbacks to Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

8:04 – I think this designer is straighter than the Weatherman.

8:05 – Sister Tewks said the following after the designer said Ali didn’t need a lot of makeup. “Oh bullshit. Yes, she does. She’s a slut.” Wow, I’m not quite sure how to follow that line of logic.

8:07 – “Her roots are showing.” Mama Tewks. The claws are sharp tonight.

8:08 – Cousin Tewks just used the word ‘fashionista’ in a sentence. That has to be a new record. Eight minute from straight to gay while watching this show.

8:15 – Why do they take helicopters everywhere? This isn’t a very green friendly show. I’d like to know what The Bachelorette’s carbon footprint is.

8:16 – I have no idea what Kasey is saying, but he sounds like he has peanut butter on the roof of his mouth.

8:17 – Oh my God. Oh dear Christ. He’s singing. Please make it stop. It’s like watching a car crash. I don’t want to watch, but it’s impossible to look away.

8:17 – This is like a bad American Idol audition. Cousin Tewks – “That was awesome.” He’s hooked. And another one bites the dust.

8:22 – Why do they run everywhere?

8:25 – Ali is legitimately terrified of Kasey. I think she’s scared that she’s going to end up a well in his basement. He’s like Buffalo Bill. It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.

8:26 – He’s singing again! What is wrong with this guy? This is more awkward than the night I lost my virginity, but I think Kasey’s song lasted a little bit longer.

8:27 – This is a smart decision by Ali. Good job, girl. Get rid of the serial killer.

8:28 – Wait, what? Why are you giving him another chance?

8:28 – His funny side? I think Ali and I have different definitions of humour. There’s nothing funny about being chopped up and left in a meat freezer.

8:34 – “I think the forecast looks pretty good today.” I think I can speak for everyone watching when I say, Weatherman, you can go fuck yourself.

8:36 – The Weatherman is way too excited to be on Broadway. Gaydar is off the charts right now. At this point, I’d actually be surprised if we got confirmation he’s straight.

8:38 – I actually prefer these singing clips over Kasey’s warbling.

8:39 - Once again, Roberto knocks it out of the park. The guy is a machine. He’s like Joe DiMaggio during his 56 game hitting streak.

8:41 – “I like Roberto and I like Jesse” - Sister Tewks. “I haven’t picked my favourite yet” - Cousin Tewks. He might be more pathetic than I am.

8:45 – Ali’s got some sneaky big breasts. They’re like a rising fastball with late life.

8:47 – “He is kind of handsome” - Cousin Tewks on Roberto. I’m at a loss for words. I can literally see his penis inverting itself into his abdomen.

8:57 – Mama Tewks is just railing on Ali’s voice. Is it really that bad? To me, it sounds like a cloud dipped in honey.

9:01 – Nice move, Kirk. If he was smart, he’d be laying an ungodly amount of pipe right now.

9:02 – Kirk with a tremendous performance. Now that is how you woo a woman. Leave her wanting more. Both Cousin Tewks and I just gave him a golf clap in respect for his game.

9:15 - Kasey’s tattoo is completely ridiculous, but at least he didn’t write Ali’s name on his arm or something equally stupid. On a related note, did you know that he’s here to guard her heart?

9:17 – Not to be a dick, but Chris L needs to cool it on the Mom talk. He’s making it very tough to make fun of this show.

9:21 – Justin, some advice. Professional wrestling villains don’t use the word ‘fibber.’

9:23 – I guarantee Chris L was disappointed after Ali asked him to go upstairs. I bet he thought he was going to get some birthday sex. Instead, he has to listen to some emotional jackoff play his guitar.

9:25 – Chris L needs to learn how to kiss. It looks like he took lessons from Ralph Macchio’s drop and drive with Elisabeth Shue at the end of The Karate Kid.

9:28 – Craig is a douchebag. He’s only mouthing off to Justin because he knows you can’t have a physical confrontation on these shows. What a chickenshit. In the real world, Justin would beat his ass with his crutches.

9:30 – The Weatherman did not break out a fucking guitar. You gotta be fucking kidding me!!! This is brutal. I hate all of these guys. They are so lame.

9:31 – “I’m more of a singer-songwriter.” That comment brought out the biggest laugh of the night
at Casa di Tewks. The Weatherman has so little self-awareness, I’m actually starting to feel bad for him. That’s a lie. He’s terrible.

9:39 – The reactions on these guys when Kasey unveiled his tattoo were priceless. Just complete shock. Also, they realized that they have to live with this psychopath for an extended period of time. I’d be scared for my life.

9:48 – Kirk moved up the highest this week. Just a transcendent performance.

9:49 – Who the hell is Chris N.? He literally did not say one word the entire episode.

9:51 – Kasey? You cannot be serious? Ali is really making it hard to for me to have an unhealthy crush on her.

9:52 – And the Weatherman blubbers like a baby. He just flushed his career down the toilet.

Iceland looks very promising.

What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.