Soccer's Final Destination

(BOD - Ashlee Simpson)

For the first time in my life, I planned my day around watching a soccer game. From the moment I woke up in the morning, I kept reminding myself to tune into Argentina’s final round robin game (notice I said round robin; GFY CSzem).

Sure, my lack of full time employment makes such an attempt possible, but it’s a valiant effort for someone who has never watched more than five minutes of consecutive soccer before this June.

So, I switched on the game right around 2:30pm and within minutes, I quickly became disappointed. My new favourite (make that only favourite) player, Jonas Gutierrez, was not in the starting lineup. How did I know this? Well, I would have recognized that hair and tight jersey anywhere.

I almost stopped watching immediately, but then quickly remembered that Maradona is still the coach of the squad and I took comfort in his fantastic reaction shots and all around combustible personality.

But where was Captain Jack Gutierrez?

I went directly to my sports oracle for the skinny on Jonas’ alarming absence. CSzem informed that he may have received a yellow card in a previous game and Maradona decided to rest the star for fear of getting a red. Or they were just resting him in general as Argentina was virtually assured of winning their group.

I can understand the decision from a managerial standpoint, but Maradona should really think of casual fans like myself and put his best squad on the field at all times to ensure the maximum enjoyment of television audience.

What did I think of the game?

Honestly, without an offensive-minded, creative squad like Argentina and without the histrionics of Maradona, I would have wanted to kill myself. Anytime Greece had the ball, I found myself looking around the room, searching for some paint to dry. Greece had no interest in matching Argentina’s aggressive style.

I can only imagine what it would be like to watch two teams play mind-numbingly boring soccer like that. I assume that’s what hell is like.

I sincerely think the flair of the Argentina squad and the genius of Lionel Messi are the only reasons why I’m able to watch in the first place. I mean I was entertained and I could appreciate pure athleticism and skill but, outside of the World Cup, I would hardly consider soccer to be appointment viewing.

That got me thinking of where soccer will ultimately end up on my sports radar (which is a victory in itself because even deep sea sonar wouldn’t have registered soccer on the list of sports I moderately care about as little as four weeks ago).

As I touched on in the podcast, I ultimately think soccer will assume a position beside Olympic curling and skiing in terms of my getting behind the sport. I don’t give a shit about skiing or curling in a non-Olympic setting. Anytime I see either sport on weekend afternoons on CBC, I can’t change the channel fast enough.

However, I am mesmerized by both sports during the Olympics. I think soccer will end up on the same level. I’ll pick a World Cup team once every four years to follow but, other than that, I will have zero interest in the sport.

I can’t see myself getting jacked up for a Toronto FC game, without first serving up my manhood on a silver platter to the estrogen police. So, all of you soccer fans better get your fill in the next two weeks because Talkin’ with Tewks’ soccer coverage will disappear at the conclusion of the World Cup.

Then you’ll have to wait until 2014 for the game to warrant a mention on here again. Actually, if I’m still writing this blog in the same capacity in four years, then I’ll have much bigger problems than soccer to worry about.