I am literally shaking in anticipation of what Kasey will do next. Great comments as always last week, let’s keep them coming. Props to Patty for continuing to drum up support for my candidacy as a future contestant. I can already out-baseball Roberto and out-cry the Weatherman, so it’s about time Tewks unleashed his fury on one lucky bachelorette.
8:00 – Another full house tonight. I’m joined by Mama, Sister and Cousin Tewks. Let the insanity begin.
8:02 – “Are you willing to do that?” – Kasey in reference to his tattoo. No, Kasey, I’m not willing to do that because I’m not a fucking moron.
8:05 – Love poems. Are you shitting me? What’s next? A guitar sing-off? Kasey’s already recited at least six terrible poems so far this season. I bet he’s trying to figure out what rhymes with ‘guard’ and ‘protect’.
8:07 – Chris N with some camera time!! That was so exciting.
8:12 – “I’ll be able to see her heart and she’ll be able to see mine.” I’m confused. Is Kasey planning on dissecting Ali on their next date?
8:15 – “I’ve got my shield ready to go.” Now, I’m really confused. Does Kasey think he’s in 300?
8:16 – Let’s give Chris N a break. It’s the first time he’s spoken in three weeks.
8:17 – “Ohhhhhhhh” – Cousin Tewks in appreciation of Kirk’s poem. The steak dinner we just had certainly didn’t make him any straighter.
8:25 – I would love to go sweater shopping with Kirk. Wait, I mean Ali.
8:28 – Rated R and Kasey on the 2 on 1 date? That is fantastic. Almost like Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III.
8:35 – Kirk’s story sounds like a case for Dr. House. He would have diagnosed that shit in 42 minutes plus commercials.
8:38 – Kasey can take the physical pain. Yeah, you’re a tough guy, mister fancy pants, with your cute little tattoo.
8:46 – “How do you guys feel about going down there?” I’ll go down, Ali. Oh, you mean in the cave. Never mind, I’m good.
8:56 – All of the blood in my body flowed directly to my nether regions when Ali stripped down to that bikini. My God. That was the greatest moment in the history of this program. That should win an Emmy.
8:58 – If I was Ty, I’d be trying to undo her bathing suit top right now.
9:02 – Ali is HAMMERED with Frank right now. This is hilarious. He should be taking advantage of her ASAP.
9:03 – She’s so drunk!
9:09 – Exactly how big is the helicopter budget on this show?
9:13 – Rated R think he’s on a game show. He’s in it for the competition and that’s it.
9:20 – Just show her the fucking tattoo already!!
9:22 – Ali is terrified of Kasey. She has had that fake smile plastered to her face for the last five minutes.
9:23 – “Here’s a piece of me I want to share with you.” In Kasey’s defence, I would probably say the same thing to Ali, but we’d be referring to different organs.
9:25 – Ali’s crying solely because she’s terrified that Kasey’s going to throw himself off the glacier.
9:27 – Justin’s a tool too. Yeah, we get it. You’re an unsuccessful professional wrestler without a future in the business. Give it a rest already.
9:34 – What look does Ali want in a man? Unbridled enthusiasm mixed with a serial killer’s zeal?
9:35 – Great move by Craig R with the fake tattoo. Funny and topical. Well done, sir.
9:36 – Chris N is awful. How the hell has he made it this far? That was excruciating to watch.
9:40 – “Roberto’s got some nice dimple action.” Surprisingly, Mama Tewks, not Cousin Tewks, said that.
9:47 – Harrison needs to spice up these interviews. I want the last five minutes of my life back.
9:53 – “Are you kidding me?” – Mama Tewks, when Frank got the rose. She really hates him with a passion. I think it’s the glasses. Or maybe the beady, little eyes. Or the terrible personality.
9:55 – Chris N is like the T-1000 from Terminator 2. He can’t compute human emotion.
9:56 – “I’m at a loss for words, to be honest.” And Chris N perfectly encapsulated his Bachelorette experience in one sentence.
9:57 – “It’s only going to get harder.” That’s what she said.
The scenes from next week look incredible.
What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.
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8 comments:
Tewks, I'm SSzem's cousin and I have to tell you that I am watching the Bachelorette for the first time ever just so that I can read and relate to your blog the next day. Thanks for the laughs!
Tewks, your issues with OSzem are only going to continue growing. I don't have nearly the energy to offer my usual wittiness and insight (What? I don't ever offer either of those things? Well then, this should go fine.)
Kirk (+200) - Rock solid performance, although his dating history is a big time red flag (especially when we're aware of a girlfriend issue coming later in the season)
Roberto (+275) - Quiet week from Roberto, but I think he'll bounce back.
Chris L. (+800) - Nothing to say, really. Was this an uneventful week all around, or is my brain a pile of mush right now?
Ty (+1200) - Sharp on the group date, and surprisingly well built in the Blue Lagoon. I swear that was not my observation at the time.
Craig R. (+1900) - Also liked the fake tattoo thing. He seems like far less of a tool after that. Watch out for a one-on-one date for Craig R. soon where he could make a leap.
Frank (+2800) - He's a pussy, that's the problem.
Rated R (+4500) - alkfadlkfadflkfad
Is that all of them? I feel like it is.
I couldn’t read today’s entry even if I wanted to! I am too shocked and stunned by the news headline today:
Bachelor Jake Pavelka, Vienna Girardi split
Apparently he only went on the show to get famous.
Oh Jake say it aint so!! If you two love birds can’t make it work then what hope is there for the rest of us!
Hang on I’m going to need a moment to pull myself together...sniff...sniff.
Mama Tewks I think I’m going to need a hug.
Ok I think I can hold it together. Imagine my shock at this news. Wait wait I’m losing it again...no I’m good. Am I to believe that people go on this show and aren’t truthful about why they are there? What next - am I going to hear the other couples from the previous shows aren’t still together? Oy vey what is this world coming to!
So some, you know who you are, like to criticize people for being famous for no reason ie Kate with her brood of kids and those jackass’ from the Jersey Shore, but these people can outright lie about why they are on this Bachelorette show and you “shake in anticipation”? Well what I say to that is Kate dance your ass off & have 10 more kids if you want, Pauly or Tony (whatever the hell your name is) tear off that shirt and show those abs screw all those that criticize you for having no real talent or reason for being famous. Those are as good as any reason vs being a liar.
These contestants are getting their 15 minutes of fame for being liars not to mention being made to look like fools on TV. Oh what a noble goal in life they have and how very proud their parents must be.
AG
where is papa Tewks in all of this?
how proud he must be to have his 26 year old son, not only living at home, but also writing a blog with a minute by minute recap of the Bachelorette sitting with his mother, sister, and (gay?) cousin?
poor guy.
Tewks, as a friend, this watching crap TV needs to stop. There's gotta be something better to do with your time. Go knit or something, at least you'll have some nice mittens.
What an episode!! I am so happy that she picked Kirk for the one-on-one date...how cute were they sweater shopping!!?? However...it breaks my heart when he uses phrases like 'let's not talk about that now' when asked for dating history. Please please please let it not be him with the girlfriend!
Ty was fantastic this week and had solidified his spot in my top three! What a gentleman and he even helped Chris on his horse! Love it!!
ChrisL...I love his confidence that he's going to be there in the end. He is falling hard for her!
This is the first week that I've thought Frank is a total creeper! Dude! You're dating a girl with 11 other guys! Stop creeping over their shoulders when she clearly wants þo make out with Chris and Ty! Weirdo!
We didn't see the previews for next week, but part of me hopes that crazy Kasey and Michelle from last season come on to give expert dating advice and teach the boys how to properly guard and protect someones heart.
I'm fairly certain that I was the one behind "that's what she said" when Ali said it's going to get harder. Come on, my funny moments are few and far between. Please don't take them away from me.
oh no...
could 'bella' be the elusive Tewks sister?
I missed this episode but just finished it online...and I wasn't able to watch yesterday's either!
Great recap!
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