The Bachelorette: Never Leave Voicemail Messages to a Scorned Lover

(BOD - Nina Dobrev)

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8:00 – Cousin Tewks has declined to join us this evening. Something about “having to work.” He doesn’t fool me. He just doesn’t want anyone to see him cry when it’s revealed that some low-life contestant is two-timing Ali with a girl back home.

8:04 – Harrison makes a house call at the start of the episode. This is exciting. I have a feeling we’re going to get a great performance out of him tonight.

8:05 – This seems fake. How did they get cameras to Jessi’s house in time for this call?

8:06 – Who the hell is Jessica? She is brutal looking.

8:07 – Jessica should get an Oscar for this performance. Actually, she kind of looks like a beaver.

8:08 – I bet Harrison was hard during this explanation thinking of the ratings bonanza at his fingertips.

8:10 – How could Justin call this girl secretly when they have cameras everywhere? This is the Rozlyn situation all over again. Something smells fishy. And it’s not . . . ok that joke is just going to be extremely inappropriate.

8:16 – Wow, Ali’s cutting right to the chase. She’s ferocious when angry. Imagine what makeup sex would be like? Ali is turning me on. She must be a tigress in the bedroom.

8:17 – Look at Roberto consoling her. He’s fantastic; always has his head in the game.

8:18 – I like this move by Justin. Just get out of there and don’t say a word. He doesn’t owe Ali or the show an explanation. He tried to make a move for his career and it didn’t work. No big deal.

8:22 – Where is Justin trying to go exactly?

8:23 – This is painful. He’s just digging himself a deeper hole. It would have been better to leave silently.

8:25 – STOP SAYING YOU GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO BE ON THIS SHOW!!!! Ali needs to get off of her moral high horse. You’re on a television show looking for a husband. You’re just a different level of fame whore than Justin.

8:34 – How long did it take Ali to memorize the placard of the name of that mosque? I’m putting the over/under at three hours.

8:35 – I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this exact bath scene in a porno before.

8:36 – If Ali gives Ty a Nuru massage, I may have to sign off for awhile.

8:38 – “Oh, use your hands.” – That’s what she said.

8:39 – Ty has some pretty good game. I’m impressed with his skills; although, I would have forced Ali’s hand underneath my towel.

8:43 – How do they go on day long dates and still have topics to discuss? Wouldn’t you end up wanting to kill the person around hour eight?

8:44 – Ty is a pimp. There are some decent guys left minus Craig and Frank. The top 4 are pretty solid catches. Shit, I need to re-evaluate my life.

8:46 – What the hell has he been talking about the last five minutes? I have a headache, but Ali seems impressed.

8:47 – Jesus, pal, take a breath. This isn’t Shakespeare; enough with the soliloquies.

8:55 – I’m actually impressed these guys even know who Rapunzel is.

8:57 – Craig is fat. And where is the chest hair on these ‘ladies’? Come on fellas, embrace your inner manimals.

8:58 – I would challenge the big, goofy-looking guy with the unibrow. It would show Ali I mean business.

8:59 – “You can’t grab anything!” – Kirk. He does realize that they were just supposed to wrestle these guys and not give out happy endings, right?

9:00 – I would go for the DDT or the Razor’s Edge as my finishing move.

9:02 - Craig wins? That’s like the Jets beating the Colts in Super Bowl III.

9:07 – She’s dating more than one guy, Frank. Suck it up for Christ’s sakes.

9:08 – There is zero sexual chemistry between these two. CSzem and his bookie have more romance in their relationship.

9:17 – I don’t understand. When I try to take a woman to a flea market for a date, I’m considered a cheap, heartless prick. But if you go to one in Istanbul, it’s the epitome of romance. It’s not fair.

9:19 – WOW!!! Little Tewks just snapped to attention when Ali came out in that belly dancing outfit.

9:21 – Yeah, Frank’s right to be bored. She just took him shopping for three hours. That’s my definition of hell. Shopping with a woman? My God, I’d rather put a gun in my mouth.

9:26 – “We need to discuss the bigger things.” What a perfect opportunity to talk about my penis.

9:29 – I think Frank just shot himself in the foot. “So long, four eyes” - Mama Tewks singing Frank’s swan song.

9:31 – He’s getting a rose! I don’t understand Ali’s infatuation with this guy.

9:41 - I’ve never seen grown men so disappointed at the cancellation of a cocktail party before.

9:46 – It has to be Craig who is going home. I mean he’s the only guy Ali hasn’t kissed yet. He must have an inkling that his time is up. Craig and his receding hairline have reached their nadir on this show.

9:51 – “I just think the romance was missing between us.” Translation: You’re ugly.

What did you think? Post thoughts to comments. And did the producers just tell us what happens for the rest of the season?