Talkin' with Tewks: Lance Romance

Fresh off Roger Federer’s historic Wimbledon victory, outlasting Andy Roddick in the most fascinating fifth set in Grand Slam lore, the sports world has another incredible story taking place across the Atlantic.

Lance Armstrong, he of the record seven consecutive Tour de France titles and countless conquests of Hollywood starlets (I’m not sure which is more impressive), finds himself a fraction of a second behind the leader after the first week of the 2009 tour.

Unlike most North Americans, I was subjected to the exhausting beauty of the Tour de France from a young age; Papa Tewks is an avid cycling fan. I remember watching Miguel Indurain in the mid 90s win five Tours in a row; pundits said Indurain was like no other and the cycling world would never see another talent like him. There were rumours that the guy’s VO2 max was the highest ever recorded; or that his heart was equine in size (although I’d rather have a different organ bring similarities to a horse).

And then Lance showed up and turned the cycling world on its ear. I know stories about Armstrong have been written ad nauseam over the past decade but let’s quickly summarize his career path because it really is incredulous to fathom.

Diagnosed with testicular cancer, lost a nut, and given a 40% chance to live. Not only does he recover from the horrible ravages of chemotherapy to become a healthy, functional human being again, but he is able to race in arguably sport’s most gruelling test of endurance, the Tour de France.

Extraordinarily, he is able to win, not one, not two, not three, but SEVEN Tour titles in a row! The guy went from having the Last Rites read to him during his darkest hour to being the greatest cyclist the world has ever seen.
This is where all the Frogs in France get their panty hose in a twist and say that Armstrong must have been doping; there’s no way he could have beaten their Euro trash fruitcakes without succumbing to the wonders of modern chemistry. Of course they forget to mention that Armstrong has never failed a drug test, the International Cycling Union has the strictest drug testing protocol in sports and legions of great riders have found themselves mired in doping scandals.

Let’s take a look at his personal life during this time period as well. After beating cancer, he gets married and pops out a couple of kids to ensure the bloodline of his progeny. At the height of his popularity, Lance realizes American chicks now think the bike is sexy; so he dumps his wife, becomes best friends with Matthew McConaughey (who cannot be spoken more highly of on Gretzpo’s Sports Blog) and embarks on a shirtless workout/casual sex odyssey that cuts a swath of female orgasm (which I do not believe exists) induced destruction all over the United States.

Two of his conquests were Sheryl Crow and one of the Olsen Twins. I’m not ecstatic about the second one. Is it weird or creepy that I think the Olsen Twins were cuter on Full House than their present form (don’t answer that)? Having sex with one of the Olsen Twins would be like trying to make sweet love a broomstick. And that’s not fun. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Plus he gave one of the best athlete movie cameos in film history with his performance in Dodgeball (Watch it here).

Tired of the above, Armstrong decides, at the age of 38, to re-enter the world of competitive cycling. Critics, mostly European, lambasted this decision saying Lance would tarnish his legacy and risk making a fool of himself.

Once again, the good ol’ Texas boy is making those journalists choke on their camembert and sauvignon blanc. As the riders begin their assault on the hellish climbs consistent with every Tour, Armstrong is poised to capture the maillot jaune (yellow jersey) for the first time since 2005.

How great is the maillot jaune as the indicator for the leader of the tour? I want this to catch on in real life. Say Gretzpo and I go to the bar and I pick up and he doesn’t (not a very big stretch I know). I should get to wear a maillot jaune until Gretzpo is able to match or surpass me. That way everyone knows who the Alpha Dog is; or if I deadlift more than Gretzpo at the gym, I should get to wear the maillot jaune past the hotties in spinning class.

If Lance wins it will be the most improbable victory since Jack Nicklaus won the Masters in 1986. Armstrong might even be able to get a date with Megan Fox if he wins; and I will buy a replica maillot jaune.

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.