The Bachelorette: Nothing Can Go Wrong in Tahiti, Right?

(BOD - Selita Ebanks)

This recap will be a little bit different this morning. I was forced to eschew my regular, minute-by-minute recap due to baseball. We were playing the same team we brawled against a few weeks ago, so I couldn’t pass up the opportunity for another donnybrook.

As so often happens, no extracurricular activities took place in the rematch, but we did destroy those pansies 14-1.

Thus, I will recap sections of the show as I whip through the broadcast on PVR.

Bachelor Packing Montage

- I literally have nothing to say about this segment except I’m pissed off that the producers forced us to rehash past footage as a time-filler. What a joke. Let’s get to Tahiti already. I don’t need to see these guys pack their swimsuits for a three day trip.

- Oh, hold on. Frank has feelings for an ex-girlfriend? And the plot thickens.

- How could he just have these feelings for ‘Nicole’ now? Could it be that he wanted to appear on as many episodes as he can, so people in the industry know who he is and he can pass along his shitty screenplays to them? Actually, that’s probably exactly what I’d do.

- How can Frank have time to fly to Chicago? Is there a Chicago to Tahiti layover I’m not aware of? This seems as contrived and fake as the phone call to Justin’s alleged girlfriend.

- Why isn’t Nicole wondering why Frank is being followed by a camera crew?

- Pile of dog shit: a bed of roses is analogous to Nicole: Ali

- Why does Nicole even give a shit about what Frank is saying? She hasn’t seen this little twerp in months.

- She thought about Frank everyday? We are talking about the same guy, right? He must be hung like a Woolly Mammoth.

- This seems like a bad production of a cheesy soap opera. What a douchebag Frank is. I hope Ali beats the living shit out of him.

- “I miss your kisses.” I already hate Nicole more than anyone else this season and she’s only had five minutes of screen time.

- “I’m going have to go find Ali” is code for “I want to take this free trip to Tahiti and maybe try to bang Ali before I come back to Chicago and your ugly face.”

Ali and Roberto in Tahiti

- So if Frank is taking himself out of the running isn’t this entire episode pretty much pointless?

- “This is mi casa.” Wow, I had no idea that Roberto was Spanish.

- Fuckin’ helicopters.

- The island is in the shape of a heart? Uh, I don’t think so. Maybe a heart drawn by Muhammad Ali.

- Ali’s body is almost as good as Roberto’s. Wait, what? You know what I mean.

- Why is Roberto sweating so much? This feels like a hostage negotiation.

- Roberto’s going to drop an L-bomb.

- I’ve never seen him so awkward before. Aw, that was a genuinely sweet moment. Christ, I’m such a homo.

- Fantasy Suite Date!! Ok, here we go. Roberto is going to rock her world.

- “I want to spend as much time with you as possible.” Nice euphemism, Ali. I guess saying you’ve wanted to fuck his brains out since the first episode would come across a little whorish.

- “You’re soaking wet!” That’s what she said.

Chris and Ali in Tahiti

- Is she going out with Chris the morning after she slept with Roberto? Talk about sloppy seconds.

- Ali still pretending she’s a tour guide. We get it. She can read and memorize a cue card. We’re all very impressed.

- Ali has really hairy arms. I couldn’t tell which arm was hers and which was Chris’. I could have done without that shot in HD.

- I would like to accumulate a few more pearls and give Ali a necklace as a present. Probably on the Fantasy Suite date.

- This is coming from a man who lives and breathes pina coladas in the Caribbean, but those drinks are extremely effeminate.

- Chris is a very nice guy, but he makes for very boring television.

- If Chris is that bad of a kisser, I don’t have high hopes for his skills in the boudoir.

- All the best, Chris, but you have some pretty big shoes to fill after the Latin Lothario laid some pipe the night before. He better be a very, uh, ‘generous’ lover.

Frank the Douchebag Breaking Ali’s Heart

- I hope Frank gets eaten by a shark.

- Harrison should leap across the room and punch Frank square in his beady, little eyes.

- How is Nicole going to feel when she watches Frank fawn all over Ali like a schoolgirl in the first episodes?

- Just man up and tell her. Frank is such a drama queen.

- How could he break the heart of a girl with a beautiful face like that? I just want to console Ali and hold her. And maybe take advantage of her emotional state.

- Frank is actually crying more than Ali. This is pathetic. The guy needs some testosterone injections.

- Ok fine, you both gave up everything to be here. You do realize you’re in fucking Tahiti right now, right? Get over it.

- Harrison is such a great guy. He should end up with one of these broads one season.

- If this was a romantic comedy, Harrison and Ali would be making out right now.

- Frank is everything you’ve wanted in a guy? That is a compete slap in the face to Roberto and Chris.

- They need to stop trying to drum up faux suspense from this forthcoming rose ceremony. Both guys are accepting roses; let’s move on to next week.

What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.

Talkin' with Tewks Live: British Open Review

(BOD - Libby Dibiase)

CSzem and I reviewed the happenings at the 2010 Open Championship. I pat myself on the back for a correct prediction (and ignore a wrong one). We discuss the tournament and links golf as a whole and try to figure out if Tiger Woods will ever win a tournament again.

Plus, we get to know Louis Ooosthuizen.

Talkin' with Tewks Live: British Open

Enjoy.

Rocky Tribute

(BOD - Lauren Pryor)

Those of you who are devoted readers to the blog will recall that Gretzpo and I embarked on a road trip to Philadelphia to watch Roy Halladay throw a gem against the Jays. A true pilgrimmage to Philly cannot be complete without a tribute to the greatest fictional boxer in sports history, Rocky Balboa.

I'm ashamed to admit that Gretzpo and I almost cancelled our visit to the Philadelphia Museum of Art (home of the iconic Rocky steps) due to traffic concerns. Luckily, we decided to soldier on and managed to pay our respects to the true people's champion.

Where most people would be satisfied with a picture from the top of the steps to document their journey, Gretzpo and I aren't most people (as we showed during our recreation of the homoerotic beach run from Rocky III; see it here).

Thus, we decided to create another tribute video, this time to Rocky's training for his first bout with Apollo Creed. We spent a good thirty minutes storyboarding this idea and shooting the various shots you are about to witness. While Gretzpo has embraced Crossfit, he still has a long way to go before he can catch the big dog in the yard (i.e. yours truly).

Therefore, Gretzpo plays the part of Rocky when he's in terrible shape and I play the part of Rocky when he's in great shape.

Enjoy.

British Open Preview

(BOD - Jessica Simpson)

The third major in professional golf’s calendar starts today: The Open Championship at venerable St. Andrews in Scotland, recognized as the birthplace of golf. The tournament has the most history in the sport and many pundits believe that you can’t be considered one of the game’s all time greats without raising the Claret Jug over your head.

Now, with all that being said, I find the Open to be the worst major to watch on TV, especially compared to the Masters. I’m sure CSzem will accuse me of blasphemy at some point today. Why don't I like it?

The time difference. I’m used to golf tournaments ending just before dinner time and ensuring that I have the opportunity to watch some coverage at some point during the afternoon. The Open screws that up. Players are teeing off at 3am Eastern Time, and the television coverage ends just after lunch. If I go out drinking on championship weekend, there’s an excellent chance I’ll be stuck in bed nursing a wicked hangover as the champion approaches the green on eighteen.

The courses. While I do appreciate links golf, the courses are ugly. There are weeds growing everywhere, trees nowhere to be seen, and the greens and fairways are a putrid shade of green and brown. I find it difficult to pick up the ball on TV and it just doesn’t look like anyone would want to pay money to be there.

I do, however, enjoy the style of play. It’s an exciting form of golf, which rewards creativity and ingenuity. It’s not 'hit a big drive, short iron in' that has come to typify North American courses.

I think I would play well in links golf, as I could just bump and run my way to a decent score. I don’t hit long enough to compete on courses over here; how else do you think Tommy Watson almost won the whole damn thing last year at age 59?

Plus, the time difference actually played into my hand this year. I woke up this morning to write the column and realized I could make some predictions with the benefit of most of the first round in the books.

Wow.

The first score I saw was Tiger at five under through 13; that got me jacked up, but then I realized that the on-screen graphic didn’t say he was the leader, which I found odd. The announcers started talking about John Daly shooting a 66. John Daly? Is this 1995?

Next, Rory McIlroy took over my screen at eight under par through sixteen holes. The kid had a legitimate chance to shoot the first 62 in major championship history, before finishing with a ho-hum 63. The golf gods will not allow these low scores to continue and I predict wind and rain to be set forth in a horrific storm on the weekend.

How about the parallels between Rory McIlroy and Roy McAvoy (Kevin Costner in Tin Cup)? Their names sound eerily similar and they both threatened 62 during a major championship. Now, McAvoy shot his 63 in the second round after an 82 in the first. Can we expect McIlroy to shoot 10 over par tomorrow? Yes, we can.

Tiger is not losing this tournament. His highlights from today’s round read like a ‘putting it together’ montage from a Rocky movie (more on that in tomorrow’s column; I have a special treat for all of you). It's only a matter of time before he raises his arms in victory again.

When Does the All Star Game Start?

(BOD - Mary Pickford)

Once the Midsummer Classic actually got started, it was a pretty entertaining and fast-paced affair. The top pitchers in both leagues were absolutely dealing and shredding through the best hitters in Major League Baseball.

The game didn’t get bogged down until the later innings when both managers reverted to the over-management style that plagues today’s game. In what universe does Roy Halladay only throw 2/3 of an inning?

Unfortunately, for young Phillies fans, they didn’t even get to see Doc pitch because they were in bed long before he took the hill. Millions of fans were in the same situation, Tewks included. If you live on the East Coast, the game didn’t start until 8:50pm. That is complete bullshit.

This is a perfect opportunity to showcase the best in the game and MLB organized it so half the population of North America was asleep by the seventh inning stretch. I tuned in at 8pm, figuring I would be right on time for catching the first pitch.

Wrong.

First I had to sit through a tribute to the Yankees enigmatic owner, George Steinbrenner. There is no doubt that Steinbrenner should have been remembered, but it was ridiculous to see the man painted as a hero and hear everyone reminisce about their fond memories of “The Boss.” The guy was a colossal prick; a winner in all facets of life, but a prick nonetheless.

He was terrible to his employees and anyone else who he deemed failing to live up to his impossibly high expectations. Why was he like this? Because his dad was an asshole as well, who never said a nice about young George during his entire life.

His legacy will be as a tremendous owner who won at all costs, but also a mean-spirited egomaniac who would punch his own mother for an American League pennant. However, George was also the King of media quotes. My favourite was when he was discussing Dave Winfield’s anemic playoff performances in his later years with the Yankees:

“Where is Reggie Jackson? We need a Mr. October or a Mr. September . . . Dave Winfield is Mr. May.”

So, after the Steinbrenner tribute, the game should have started immediately, right? Nope. I had to sit through a myriad of celebrities talking about community volunteerism for fifteen minutes. I’m all for altruism, but not at the expense of my baseball watching.

Next, we were forced to watch the fat, black girl from Glee stage an impromptu concert. This is the Major League All Star Game for chrissakes, not Lillith Fair. Why did she sing so many songs? This is how you plan on attracting new fans?

The All Star Game should be about celebrating the sport, not a cross-promotional corporate schmooze fest to see how many commercials and advertisements MLB can assault our senses with in an hour.

So, who won? I have no idea.

I was sleeping.

The Bachelorette: Hometown Dates

(BOD - Bar Refaeli)

The hometown dates are always my favourite episode of the season because it’s always entertaining to see which contestants have the crazy families who just destroy any chance they have at making it to the final two.

8:00 – Cousin Tewks has returned after a two week hiatus. Welcome back to the dark side. Or I guess this would be the pink, fluffy, unicorn side. The first words out of his mouth were, “Isn’t the home run derby on tonight?” My reply: “Don’t be gay.”

8:02 – As soon as the strains of salsa music hit the speakers, I immediately stereotyped this as Roberto’s date. And the producers didn’t let me down.

8:03 – Full disclosure: I may have gotten aroused when they revealed the baseball diamond.

8:04 – I also would like to have my name on Roberto’s jersey.

8:05 – There’s no way I can recap this date without sounding like a fawning fancy boy over Roberto.

8:06 – If Ali got a hit off of me, I would have buzzed her face with an inside fastball. Love be damned, I don’t give up extra base hits. Plus, she was crowding the plate.

8:13 – “Look at her heels” – Cousin Tewks when Ali was approaching Roberto’s house. Wow. I can’t even make fun of him here. I just feel sorry for him.

8:15 – Did Roberto’s dad just say that he was a ‘big prize’? Papa Tewks would be begging Ali to take me away.

8:16 – “I want to own a business and be successful.” Ali has certainly honed in those career aspirations.

8:17 – Did Roberto’s mother just come over on a raft? Can someone check her papers?

8:19 – Roberto’s dad is a PIMP. He’s like a Latino Tom Selleck.

8:27 – The consensus in the Tewks household is that Chris is way more smitten with Ali than she is with him. We are predicting heartbreak for Mr. Cape Cod.

8:30 – “Get a pair” – Cousin Tewks to Chris. I could not agree more.

8:37 – I would eat the entire plate of shrimp.

8:43 – Crestfallen? Demonstrative? Chris’ dad is bringing out the SAT words tonight.

8:44 – The sisters-in-law are just jealous Harpies. Of course they’re going to put Ali down, they’re ugly.

8:45 – Yeah, this isn’t going to work out. There is just too much of a discrepancy between Ali’s level of attractiveness and the frumpy twins. They will never get along.

8:47 – What father asks his son if he’s found his soulmate on reality television? Papa Tewks would just want to know if I’d thrown it to her yet.

8:49 – Did anyone else think that Chris’ mom was buried in that stone rotunda? No? I’m just a terrible person.

8:54 – Please don’t call a grown man Kirky.

8:56 – Kirk’s dad is the epitome of creepy. He’s like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.

8:57 – Ali looks like she’s going to throw up.

9:00 – “She’s got a little junk in the trunk going there” – Mama Tewks about Ali. Are you kidding me? I think she may be senile. Time for the retirement home.

9:06 – Kirk’s mom looks like a 16 year old babe from behind and the Wicked Witch of the West from the front.

9:07 – I really need to stop watching this in HD. If I see another close up of Kirk’s mom, I am going to puke.

9:09 – I am out until Kirk’s date is over. I can’t watch this anymore. That face is going to haunt my dreams.

9:11 – Kirk’s dad looks like a genius now: divorcing Kirk’s mom before she got gross. He definitely sold that stock before the market crashed.

9:17 – Can anything that Frank is wearing on this date be considered men’s clothing?

9:19 – What situation are Ali and Frank talking about? The guy from Jersey Shore?

9:21 – Has Frank never seen this show before? He’s like a chick. Enough with the insecurities.

9:26 – Did Frank’s dad just kiss him on the cheek? Is there a testosterone shortage in America that I don’t know about?

9:28 – Ali’s boobs look massive on this date.

9:30 – Frank’s sister has a very strange, halting way of speaking.

9:37 – Harrison showing up to put in his ten minutes of work this week. Good to see him again.

9:49 – Roberto. Of course. I would have given him a rose first as well. If, you know, I was a woman.

9:50 – Poor Kirk. Back to Green Bay.

9:52 – “Can I have a hug?” I can’t believe Ali had the audacity to ask that. I would have given her an elbow to the throat instead.

What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.

Talkin' with Tewks Live: Soccer's Over and LeBron Thoughts

(BOD - Anna Paquin)

Highlights from today's podcast:

- Final World Cup thoughts
- Lots of LeBron talk
- The wooing of a Hollywood starlet

Talkin' with Tewks Live

Enjoy.

Will the Miami Heat Lose a Game?

(BOD - My Wife)

(Quick note to CSzem who lambasted me in yesterday’s comments for having the gall to not know the names of a bunch of MLB setup men. A thousand apologies, sir. Yes, I should have more respect for pitchers who aren’t trusted to throw to more than a couple of batters a game because they’re not good enough to be starters. And let’s be honest: the only reason you know who those guys are is because you’re a fantasy sports nerd, whereas I actually play the game)

When I first heard that LeBron James was going to hold a one hour special on ESPN to announce his destination for the next few NBA seasons, I thought this entire free agent saga had officially spun out of control.

Really, LeBron? You need an hour of primetime coverage to make a 3 second announcement. During the preamble, I kept getting flashbacks to American Idol results shows where it seems like a lot is happening, but it’s really just filler until a decision is made.

I also thought ESPN was trying way too hard to be like CNN last night. Calling the program ‘Decision’ and having a bunch of talking heads say the same thing over and over again gave me flashbacks to the election coverage (or really anything that CNN covers these days). I expected John King to pop out of nowhere and start writing on his goofy touch screen video board.

But as soon as Jim Gray started interviewing LeBron the entire program became oddly riveting. I found myself excited for LeBron’s decision even though it has very little impact on me as a sports fan.

Did anyone else notice how terrified LeBron looked when making the announcement he was headed to South Beach? I legitimately thought he was going to throw up. Then we all realized why. He was basically taking a gigantic dump on the city of Cleveland and his thousands of fans.

If I’m LeBron, I don’t understand this decision at all. Look at what Kobe Bryant faced previous to the last two years. Everyone said that Kobe couldn’t win a title without Shaq; that he needed another superstar to elevate himself to that next level. With apologies to Pau Gasol, Kobe has shown he can win a title as the big dog in the yard.

If (and really, when) the Heat win a title, the same thing will be written about LeBron. He couldn’t get it done in Cleveland by himself, so he needed to run to Miami and get help. Transcendent players don’t need ‘help’ to win championships.

It will be interesting to see how this soap opera plays out next season. Can Miami’s rookie coach handle these three big personalities? How long before Pat Riley emerges from the wings to take over the best team in East? Are there enough shots and minutes for LeBron, Wade and Bosh to co-exist peacefully?

What happens if the Heat get out to a slow start? Miami has to win the championship next season. Anything else will be considered a failure. LeBron has never really been that great at handling tremendous pressure, evidenced by his spectacular playoff flameouts the past two years. And Toronto fans all know that Chris Bosh sucks.

The wildcard in all of this is Kobe. I guarantee he was sitting at home watching the hoopla surrounding James and viewing the proceedings with a jealous eye. He’s the guy with five rings and currently the real King of the NBA castle.

I’ll bet anything he’s making it his personal mission to destroy the Heat at all costs. Hell hath no fury like a determined Kobe.

MLB All Star Game: Everybody Plays!

(BOD - Julie Bowen)

Special thanks to AC for his comment on yesterday’s column which played a role in catalyzing today’s entry. Also, since it’s been so damn hot outside here in the GTA, I’ve decided to embrace my inner curmudgeon for the rest of the week.

In my degradation of the Tour de France for having an “everyone wins” policy, I can’t believe that I was going to let Major League Baseball off the hook for the abomination that has become the All Star Game. It’s quite sad and I’m sure old-timers like Joe DiMaggio and Ted Williams are spinning in their graves at what the Midsummer Classic has become.

Back in the middle of the twentieth century, the All Star Game was a tightly contested affair, played for pride and the chance at bragging rights. Players wanted to kill their opponents and show the supremacy of their league.

Now, it’s little more than a corporate schmooze-fest. I don’t even think the players actually want to be there, save for the guys making their first trip to the game. Speaking of the rosters, they have bloated to such an unconscionable degree that the game becomes a glorified exhibition with managers trying to cram everyone into the game with token at-bats and pitching appearances.

A quick perusal of the rosters shows the following: 15 pitchers on the AL roster and 14 pitchers on the NL roster. Are you shitting me? This is a nine inning game. If a guy can’t be a big boy and throw an entire inning by himself, then he doesn’t belong in the All Star Game in the first place.

I understand you don’t want a guy throwing four or five innings these days; since the majority of pitchers are pussies and couldn’t possibly handle that strain at this point in the season. But you’re telling me that you couldn’t get by with nine pitchers on the roster?

Check out the following names: Heath Bell, Matt Capps, Evan Meek, Arthur Rhodes, Brian Wilson, Trevor Cahill, Neftali Feliz, Matt Thornton and Jose Valverde.

Who are these guys? There all are pitchers names to this year’s All Star Game. Now I consider myself to be a pretty knowledgeable baseball fan, but I have never heard of any of these guys. This is a representation of the best in the game? No one outside of their immediate families gives a shit if these guys are in the game or not.

Not only did Major League Baseball make room for these nobodies in the game, but they idiotically have three Toronto Blue Jays, from an under .500 team, on the roster. If that’s the case, then surely everyone who deserves to be in the game is there, right?

Wrong. Joey Votto, currently in the top 5 of every Triple Crown category, is not on the roster. You have 14 pitchers in this game, but can’t make room for one of the best hitters in the game. That’s a fucking travesty.

The only smart thing MLB did was not allow Stephen Strasburg to attend the game, despite the protestations of legions of morons across North America. Yes, Strasburg has pitched well, but I usually like my All Stars to have not pitched in the minor leagues in the current season.

Yes, he has had some dominating performances, but I want to see a larger body of work. If Strasburg is allowed to be on the roster, then, by that logic, you have to invite Dallas Braden, Armando Galarraga, and that guy who threw a no-no with 18 walks.

There’s already enough crap in the game to begin with.

Will I be watching? Of course. The game is on a Tuesday night. American Idol doesn’t start until January.

The Tour de France is On?

(BOD - Angelina Jolie)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. In the late 1990s and early 2000s, the Tour de France was the ‘cool’ thing to follow on the North American sporting landscape. Of course it had everything to do with Lance Armstrong, an American, winning the most gruelling test of endurance on earth a record seven times in a row.

How typically American is that? We don’t care about sports outside of baseball, football and basketball, unless we are the best in the world. Then we’ll pretend to care about it and push aside our own grandmothers trying to board the bandwagon.

But much like one of the hellish hors categorie climbs that separate the men from the boys every year during the Tour, once you make it to the top of the of the mountain, the fall back down to earth can be extraordinarily quick.

Armstrong retired and doping scandal upon doping scandal plagued the event so much that the general public just assumed every rider was using performance-enhancing drugs; and, if that was the case, what is the point of caring about who wins or who loses if every competitor is chemically enhanced.

The organizers of the Tour might as well let them ride motorcycles around France instead.

Armstrong’s return to the tour last year piqued some cursory interest in the event (including yours truly), but his quest for an eighth title fell short and everyone ignored cycling for another year.

I literally had no idea the race was on until I read the sports section this morning. I found out that a Canadian finished fourth in yesterday’s stage (sweet!), but what I saw next completely undermined the integrity of the event.

Apparently, the Canadian, Ryder Hesjedal, was honoured as the most aggressive rider in the stage and he gets to wear a red number during today’s stage.

What?

The Tour de France already gives out accolades (i.e. different coloured jerseys) for the race leader, stage winner, sprinter, young star, and mountain climber. Now you get praise as the most aggressive rider of the day?

At this rate, everyone in the race will get a jersey for something. This is supposed to be one of then top sporting events in the world, not Grade 8 track and field day at public school. Who won the race? That’s all I care about. There are winners and losers in life. Stop trying to make everyone feel better by giving them something to celebrate.

Enough with the participant ribbons for just showing up and giving your best effort. That’s loser talk. And it’s also the reason why I will never again watch the Tour de France. Hesjedal should be embarrassed by the accolade. That’s like me being giving the best effort award for giving up 9 runs in a game because I tried my hardest.

It’s ridiculous and it’s why society is soft these days.

I feel like Andy Rooney.

The Bachelorette: Jake and Vienna Redux

(BOD - Jessie Farrell)

Today’s Bachelorette recap will be a little different from my usual fare. I was unable to watch the show live last night, so there will be no minute by minute recap. Instead, I will just give my stream-of-consciousness thoughts on each episodic segment since I’m hurriedly trying to watch the recorded version of the show way too early this morning.


However, the reason I missed such a great episode was more than worth it. I pitched last night and I was right in the middle of a bench clearing brawl. We were just crushing our opponents 11-1 and one of their players decided to run our catcher on a close call at home plate (which is illegal in our league).

My catcher rightfully took umbrage to such a classless move and shoved the guy hard in the chest. They started jostling as one gutless coward on the other team came flying off the bench and blindsided my catcher. They fell to the ground in a heap.

I flung my glove into the air like an NHL enforcer circling his prey, raced to the plate, and unleashed a glorious sucker punch to the gutless coward’s cheek. I was then tackled and all hell broke loose. Order was eventually restored and we ended up pumping those jackasses 16-3.

Stupidly, I neglected to follow Crash Davis’ advice, and I hit the guy with my pitching hand. It’s a little sore right now. Truthfully, I’m just glad I got out of there with my face unblemished. Their team definitely saw the sucker punch and were not happy that I remained in the game.

I have a feeling the brawl will bring our team closer together and be the catalyst for stellar play in the second half of the season. Needless to say, I had a fun night.

Onto the recap:

Roberto and Ali’s Date

- “Come be the king of my castle” – Jesus, Ali, can you be any more transparent that you want to bang the Latin Lothario? Why not just send him an “I’m DTF” text message.

- I would love to do this photo shoot; although I’d make sure Ali wasn’t in any of the pictures. I wouldn’t want her messing up my shots.

- Dancing in the streets? My God, the guy is smooth. Watching Roberto is like a How-To guide of properly seducing women

- They’re sitting at the back of the trolley. Apparently, Rosa Park’s reach can be felt all around the world.

- I loved seeing Ali refer to the structure as her ‘castle’ and then see Roberto subsequently ‘storm’ it.

- Ali can’t cook? Dealbreaker. She better be a wizard with a vacuum cleaner.

- It’s so obvious that Ali doesn’t think she’s good enough for Roberto. I’m almost beginning to think that’s true. I don’t think anyone is. However, I don’t think he can be considered the favourite any longer. Ali has way too much trepidation with him.

Ty and Frank’s Two on One

- They’re going on a helicopter ride? How completely original. Where did the producers come up with this one?

- Why do they try to make Ali look smart by repeatedly feeding her those historical tidbits? They are always so awkward and forced. Primarily because she has no idea what she’s talking about.

- Ali wants to get hammered. Fantastic. I see a lamb roast in our future.

- Ty likes traditional gender roles? He is not going to like Ali’s inability to cook. She really needs to step up to her domestic goddess duties and stop all this ‘worker’ talk.

- Ty really wants to say: “Your ambition and goals better revolve around your ability to have dinner ready for me when I get home from the office.”

- Seeing Frank tiptoe around his living at home was excruciatingly awkward. I’m pretty sure as soon as he told he was a ‘screenwriter’ she could have guessed he lived at home.

- Final note on the boring 2 on 1: Ali still looks amazing in yellow.

Kirk and Ali’s Date

- Kirk’s overwrought speech on how much he likes Ali reminded me of Champ Kind: “I miss being near you, I miss being with you, I miss your musk. I miss your scent.”

- How rude is Ali? She has ‘a lot’ on her mind. Who gives a shit? You can pay attention to these guys for a couple of hours a day. You literally have nothing else to do.

- Your date isn’t going well, Ali, because you’re acting like a huge bee-yotch.

- Ok, we get it. You have a lot on your mind. That phrase is approaching ‘I gave up everything to be here’ status for me.

- “I feel like I won’t be good enough one day.” Smooth answer by Kirk telling her not to think that. I would have said the same thing, but would have also added, “Unless you get fat.”

- Jesus Christ. Just what this season needs: more guitars. This is like Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.

Chris and Ali’s Date

- Oh, Chris just got the dreaded ‘friend’ kiss of death label. He has a lot of work today on this date. Hopefully, Ali doesn’t have ‘a lot on her mind.’

- This mo-ped scene is fantastic. They look exactly like Harry and Lloyd in Dumb and Dumber. I hope she pees on him.

- Could the producers have made Chris look anymore like a pussy by showing Ali getting into the literal and figurative driver’s seat?

- “A winery is a perfect place to let loose and explore our relationship” – So, she’s going to have sex with Chris on a decanter?

- Their body language doesn’t look too good here. I don’t think they’ve kissed yet.

- This is BORING!!!

- Nice move on bringing her a present. Chris just may have booked himself a hometown date.

Rose Ceremony

- I literally have no idea who’s going home.

- “I knew it was going to be hard, I just didn’t know it was going to be this hard.” – That’s what she said. That was the most entertaining part of the episode thus far.

- Does Chris not own a suit? He always dresses like a catering waiter.

- It‘s a good thing Harrison told us this was the final rose or I would have had no idea.

- I guarantee Ty is going home because Ali wants a ‘career’. Is reality TV star really a career?

- Why are they having this conversation in the rain? They couldn’t have done it indoors? I’d pull down her dress in final act of defiance.

- If Ali wants to be an actress, which I’m sure does, she really needs to work on her sad face. Right now, it just looks like she heard someone fart in an elevator.

Jake and Vienna’s Interview

- This better bring the goods because this episode has been lacklustre thus far

- I forgot how smarmy Jake was. I want to slap that smug smile right off of his face.

- I love how Vienna is trying to hide her inner trashbag whore by wearing a jacket. You’re not fooling anyone, sweetheart.

- After watching Ali for the past few weeks, it just reiterates just how ugly Vienna actually is. I wish I didn’t record the HD feed.

- You have to ask Jake for a kiss because he is a homosexual.

- Is Jake alive right now? He looks like a robot.

- Wow. The zingers are just flying back and forth. I can’t even keep up.

- Is a fake liar the same as a real liar?

- I want to hear “Todd the Gay Guy’s” side of the story.

- Is a poliagraph test the same as a polygraph test?

- If Vienna doesn’t have money or a job exactly how is she getting paid for that elusive ‘marketing job’?

- In Jake’s defence, I would rather update my Twitter feed than spend time with Vienna too.

- Vienna is working in Los Angeles? How convenient. She’s doing work at a charity with cancer patients on a hair product? I don’t think any of those words make sense in the same sentence.

- She is such a child.

- “How can you get sick of someone in the first month?” When you have the personality and looks of a tramp, Vienna.

- Harrison really needs to get a dictionary so he can let both of them know what ‘undermine’ means.

- “We don’t really care about the dog” - That comment by Harrison just killed me. Well done, sir. Give the man credit, he can run a good interview.

- “I don’t think she’s coming back” – Harrison is saving this episode for me. He should have his own talk show.

What did you think of this week’s episode? Who’s right in the Jake/Vienna debacle?

Talkin' with Tewks Live: World Cup and Wimbledon

(BOD - Carrie Prejean)

A busy weekend in sports led to a scintillating podcast recorded last night. Some highlights:

- A review of the World Cup quarterfinal matches
- Handicapping the semis
- OSzem's first podcast appearance
- A few geography lessons
- Sports trivia
- Offending a continent
- Some history lessons
- Wimbledon and the greatness of Rafael Nadal
- A tangent on the musculature of Tomas Berdych (CSzem threw me under the bus and pretended to not know what I was talking about during the recording. An hour later he sends me a text apologizing after he googled 'Berdych's quads.' It might be tough to explain that search to the missus).

Talkin' with Tewks Live: World Cup and Wimbledon

Enjoy.

Free Agent Frenzy

(BOD - Mila Kunis)

Before I get into the mind-numbing minutiae of the rumours of where the NBA’s top free agents will end up, forever (for the next few seasons anyway) shifting the balance of power in professional basketball, let’s all take a second to give thanks on Canada Day.

This is the greatest country in the world. People across the globe strive to be like us and everyone wants to be our friend. Except terrorists. They hate everyone, especially themselves.

Do you know what Canada is like? We are that cool friend you have, who you don’t hear from that often, but every time you hear his/her name mentioned it puts a smile on your face. And on the odd chances your paths cross at a party, the night is made instantly better with that interaction.

That is who Canada is. We may not be the flashiest or try to be noticed with an outlandish personality, but we instantly up the cool quotient of any room we enter. Here’s to you, Canada. Happy Birthday! Now let’s all drink a beer that has more than 4% alcohol to celebrate.

The funny thing about the NBA free agent period opening today is that I’ve completely lost interest in the saga before it’s even begun. We’ve been inundated with stories of where the top free agents are going to end up, if they’re going together, are they bringing their own coaches, and other like nonsense.

One thing that needs to stop in the incessant coverage is the lumping of Chris Bosh in with Dwayne Wade and LeBron. To say that Bosh is the same calibre of player as Wade and James is completely laughable and, not to mention, insulting to those guys. From now on, Bosh should be referred to as a second tier free agent, right beside Joe Johnson. There’s no way in hell Bosh should be attending secret meetings with Dwayne and LeBron trying to orchestrate a triumphant arrival to a major market.

If the big dogs are planning on leaving their current cities, then I feel they owe it to their fans to agree to a sign and trade. That’s the least they can do for the franchise they are about to destroy. Make sure they get something back in return.

The destination that looks to be in the lead for these guys appears to be the Chicago Bulls because they have the cap space and roster pieces to entice two superstars to come to the Windy City.

I don’t understand why they would want to go there. Michael Jordan owned that city for a decade and a half. In fact, he still owns it. There’s no way in hell either Wade or LeBron could ever match up to His Airness in terms of career success, so why bother trying; especially in a city where direct comparisons are inevitable.

It makes much more sense to carve out your own niche, and legacy, in a city that doesn’t yet have one.

If LeBron wants obtain mythical status then he should stay in Cleveland. If he does that, and wins a title or two, then he can become Governor of Ohio when his playing days are over.

This is the last time I’m going to talk about this, until we find out exactly where these guys are going. I’d much rather concern myself with sports stories that have definitive denouements. Like if Brett Favre is going to play football again this year.

Shit.

Have a good weekend. Back on Monday.

"What's Wrong with the Jays?"

(BOD - Zooey Deschanel)

I have heard the above question a multitude of times over the past few weeks: on TV, on the radio, socializing with friends, and at the ballpark with my teammates. And since the Blue Jays are currently getting waxed by the pathetic Cleveland Indians, I felt it was time to weigh in.

Everyone wants to know what is wrong with the 2010 Toronto Blue Jays. How can an offence that set a major league record for homers in a month fall so precipitously in less than three weeks? What happened to the young, lights out pitching staff that was taking the American League hitters by surprise?

The answer: Toronto’s stellar play in the first two months of the season was an aberration. It was an anomaly. A deviation from the mean. Only the most clueless and ill-informed Jays fans (cough, Gretzpo, cough) would take solace in a winning record over the also-rans in the AL and extrapolate that to a playoff berth over the course of a 162 game season.

Conversely, I am ecstatic with the Jays record at the end of June. With the roster the Rogers conglomerate has cobbled together this season, I would have bet the team would have been 8-10 games under .500 at this point in the year. The fact they’re two games above completely mediocre should be cause for celebration.

I don’t understand why, once again, the majority of Jays fans were swindled by the team’s hot start when they had yet to the play the big dogs of the AL East. The same thing happened last season.

This team is going to endure some major growing pains on their way back to relevancy as a potential playoff team. Actually, this brings me to my next point. The question of “What’s Wrong with the Jays?” is an apt one, but most people are looking for an incorrect answer to their query.

There is nothing wrong with the Jays this season; they just aren’t a very good team. However, the pressing issue is why Toronto has not legitimately threatened for a playoff spot since the early 1990s. I mean, good God. That’s almost an entire generation we’ve suffered through without meaningful baseball to watch in September.

There are teen pop queens that I’m sexually attracted to that weren’t born when the Jays last won the World Series. How terrifying is that?

The Florida Marlins have won two World Series and completely blown up their roster three times since Joe Cater ‘touched ‘em all.’ The real question is why have fans stood idly by while team management has run this team into the ground time and time again over the last 18 years.

Exactly how long is a rebuilding process?

***There will be a special NBA free agent column tomorrow, so I will be celebrating Canada Day a day late and no column will be posted on Friday.

The Bachelorette: Never Leave Voicemail Messages to a Scorned Lover

(BOD - Nina Dobrev)

It’s great to see new readers visiting The Bachelorette recaps and contributing in the comments section. Keep it up.

8:00 – Cousin Tewks has declined to join us this evening. Something about “having to work.” He doesn’t fool me. He just doesn’t want anyone to see him cry when it’s revealed that some low-life contestant is two-timing Ali with a girl back home.

8:04 – Harrison makes a house call at the start of the episode. This is exciting. I have a feeling we’re going to get a great performance out of him tonight.

8:05 – This seems fake. How did they get cameras to Jessi’s house in time for this call?

8:06 – Who the hell is Jessica? She is brutal looking.

8:07 – Jessica should get an Oscar for this performance. Actually, she kind of looks like a beaver.

8:08 – I bet Harrison was hard during this explanation thinking of the ratings bonanza at his fingertips.

8:10 – How could Justin call this girl secretly when they have cameras everywhere? This is the Rozlyn situation all over again. Something smells fishy. And it’s not . . . ok that joke is just going to be extremely inappropriate.

8:16 – Wow, Ali’s cutting right to the chase. She’s ferocious when angry. Imagine what makeup sex would be like? Ali is turning me on. She must be a tigress in the bedroom.

8:17 – Look at Roberto consoling her. He’s fantastic; always has his head in the game.

8:18 – I like this move by Justin. Just get out of there and don’t say a word. He doesn’t owe Ali or the show an explanation. He tried to make a move for his career and it didn’t work. No big deal.

8:22 – Where is Justin trying to go exactly?

8:23 – This is painful. He’s just digging himself a deeper hole. It would have been better to leave silently.

8:25 – STOP SAYING YOU GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO BE ON THIS SHOW!!!! Ali needs to get off of her moral high horse. You’re on a television show looking for a husband. You’re just a different level of fame whore than Justin.

8:34 – How long did it take Ali to memorize the placard of the name of that mosque? I’m putting the over/under at three hours.

8:35 – I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this exact bath scene in a porno before.

8:36 – If Ali gives Ty a Nuru massage, I may have to sign off for awhile.

8:38 – “Oh, use your hands.” – That’s what she said.

8:39 – Ty has some pretty good game. I’m impressed with his skills; although, I would have forced Ali’s hand underneath my towel.

8:43 – How do they go on day long dates and still have topics to discuss? Wouldn’t you end up wanting to kill the person around hour eight?

8:44 – Ty is a pimp. There are some decent guys left minus Craig and Frank. The top 4 are pretty solid catches. Shit, I need to re-evaluate my life.

8:46 – What the hell has he been talking about the last five minutes? I have a headache, but Ali seems impressed.

8:47 – Jesus, pal, take a breath. This isn’t Shakespeare; enough with the soliloquies.

8:55 – I’m actually impressed these guys even know who Rapunzel is.

8:57 – Craig is fat. And where is the chest hair on these ‘ladies’? Come on fellas, embrace your inner manimals.

8:58 – I would challenge the big, goofy-looking guy with the unibrow. It would show Ali I mean business.

8:59 – “You can’t grab anything!” – Kirk. He does realize that they were just supposed to wrestle these guys and not give out happy endings, right?

9:00 – I would go for the DDT or the Razor’s Edge as my finishing move.

9:02 - Craig wins? That’s like the Jets beating the Colts in Super Bowl III.

9:07 – She’s dating more than one guy, Frank. Suck it up for Christ’s sakes.

9:08 – There is zero sexual chemistry between these two. CSzem and his bookie have more romance in their relationship.

9:17 – I don’t understand. When I try to take a woman to a flea market for a date, I’m considered a cheap, heartless prick. But if you go to one in Istanbul, it’s the epitome of romance. It’s not fair.

9:19 – WOW!!! Little Tewks just snapped to attention when Ali came out in that belly dancing outfit.

9:21 – Yeah, Frank’s right to be bored. She just took him shopping for three hours. That’s my definition of hell. Shopping with a woman? My God, I’d rather put a gun in my mouth.

9:26 – “We need to discuss the bigger things.” What a perfect opportunity to talk about my penis.

9:29 – I think Frank just shot himself in the foot. “So long, four eyes” - Mama Tewks singing Frank’s swan song.

9:31 – He’s getting a rose! I don’t understand Ali’s infatuation with this guy.

9:41 - I’ve never seen grown men so disappointed at the cancellation of a cocktail party before.

9:46 – It has to be Craig who is going home. I mean he’s the only guy Ali hasn’t kissed yet. He must have an inkling that his time is up. Craig and his receding hairline have reached their nadir on this show.

9:51 – “I just think the romance was missing between us.” Translation: You’re ugly.

What did you think? Post thoughts to comments. And did the producers just tell us what happens for the rest of the season?

Talkin' with Tewks Live: Sixpack None the Richer

(BOD - Ashley Greene. This week's BODs are all courtesy of Rambo)

What a weekend.

Gretzpo and I absolutely terrorized the Eastern seaboard over the past few days and somehow managed to survive to tell the tale.

We recorded a podcast yesterday morning in Atlantic City to recap the weekend's events.

Some highlights:

- Crossfitting at a New York State Rest Stop


- Driving in downtown Philadelphia

- Greztpo showing his naivete at a downtown Holiday Inn

- The atmosphere of a Phillies game

- Phillies fans

- A Rocky tribute

- Atlantic City Boardwalk

- Supergator 

- Our drinking prowess

- Gambling with the BJ kids

- Naming the MVP of the trip and a new nickname for Tewks

Talkin' with Tewks Live: Philly Roadtrip

Enjoy.

Tennis Marathon

(BOD - Beverly Mahood)

Last night was a night of firsts.

No, not that kind of first. This lasted way longer than 37 seconds and the young lady involved actually enjoyed herself.

I went to a Dave and Buster’s and got the shit kicked out of me at a variety of arcade games by a member of the fairer sex. It was completely emasculating; although, to listen to AG and He Who Hits Bombs pretty much ‘sext’ each other in the comments section, that ship has already sailed.

Now, in my defence, I have never been one to play video games. I think they are a complete waste of time. Thus, my lack of playing time causes me to be terrible at them; especially if they require you to press more than one button at a time. You put me on the original Nintendo and I will dominate. On the other hand, I can’t even figure out how to start a game on the Xbox.

Not only did she pump me in the video arcade, but she crushed, and I mean crushed, me in a legitimate free throw shooting competition. That was tough for me to take. I don’t like losing in sports, especially to someone with two X chromosomes. The only game I was able to redeem myself on was the football throwing contest.

I dominated that event. I was like Brett Favre out there. I purposely eschewed the high percentage passes in favour of chucking up long bombs. My strategy worked too. Although, I completed less than fifty percent of my passes I managed to score two touchdowns in two minutes. Now that’s what I call a 2 minute drill.

After my beatdown was over and I was nursing my sorrows with a beer, I happened to glance up at the sports ticker. The ticker was running through the Wimbledon scores and I saw the following: 6-4, 3-6, 6-7 (7), 7-6 (3), 59-59.

What?

I thought for a second I was hallucinating. Or maybe the tears from my defeat were stinging my eyes. Two guys were tied at 59-59 in the fifth set of a Grand Slam? It was hard to process mentally.

John Isner and Nicolas Mahut have played each other for over ten hours over two days. Their fifth set, already a robust seven hours and six minutes old, would, in itself, be the longest match in tennis history.

It’s amazing that these two players are still upright after playing for such an epic length of time. To put it into perspective, in Cuba, Gretzpo and I played our tennis/squash mix for approximately two hours a day for our entire week’s vacation. And we were wrecked physically from that ordeal. I can’t imagine what Isner and Mahut are going through right now.

The happiest person in England right now has to be the guy who gets to play the winner of this marathon. There’s no way either of these guys will have anything left in the tank to continue on in the tournament.

This is the last column of the week. Early tomorrow, Gretzpo and I embark on a pilgrimage to Philadelphia to worship at the altar of Doc Halladay. The G20 isn’t going to stop me from seeing Roy up close and personal. There also may be a Rocky spoof in the works, along with a special roadtrip podcast.

See you on Monday.

Soccer's Final Destination

(BOD - Ashlee Simpson)

For the first time in my life, I planned my day around watching a soccer game. From the moment I woke up in the morning, I kept reminding myself to tune into Argentina’s final round robin game (notice I said round robin; GFY CSzem).

Sure, my lack of full time employment makes such an attempt possible, but it’s a valiant effort for someone who has never watched more than five minutes of consecutive soccer before this June.

So, I switched on the game right around 2:30pm and within minutes, I quickly became disappointed. My new favourite (make that only favourite) player, Jonas Gutierrez, was not in the starting lineup. How did I know this? Well, I would have recognized that hair and tight jersey anywhere.

I almost stopped watching immediately, but then quickly remembered that Maradona is still the coach of the squad and I took comfort in his fantastic reaction shots and all around combustible personality.

But where was Captain Jack Gutierrez?

I went directly to my sports oracle for the skinny on Jonas’ alarming absence. CSzem informed that he may have received a yellow card in a previous game and Maradona decided to rest the star for fear of getting a red. Or they were just resting him in general as Argentina was virtually assured of winning their group.

I can understand the decision from a managerial standpoint, but Maradona should really think of casual fans like myself and put his best squad on the field at all times to ensure the maximum enjoyment of television audience.

What did I think of the game?

Honestly, without an offensive-minded, creative squad like Argentina and without the histrionics of Maradona, I would have wanted to kill myself. Anytime Greece had the ball, I found myself looking around the room, searching for some paint to dry. Greece had no interest in matching Argentina’s aggressive style.

I can only imagine what it would be like to watch two teams play mind-numbingly boring soccer like that. I assume that’s what hell is like.

I sincerely think the flair of the Argentina squad and the genius of Lionel Messi are the only reasons why I’m able to watch in the first place. I mean I was entertained and I could appreciate pure athleticism and skill but, outside of the World Cup, I would hardly consider soccer to be appointment viewing.

That got me thinking of where soccer will ultimately end up on my sports radar (which is a victory in itself because even deep sea sonar wouldn’t have registered soccer on the list of sports I moderately care about as little as four weeks ago).

As I touched on in the podcast, I ultimately think soccer will assume a position beside Olympic curling and skiing in terms of my getting behind the sport. I don’t give a shit about skiing or curling in a non-Olympic setting. Anytime I see either sport on weekend afternoons on CBC, I can’t change the channel fast enough.

However, I am mesmerized by both sports during the Olympics. I think soccer will end up on the same level. I’ll pick a World Cup team once every four years to follow but, other than that, I will have zero interest in the sport.

I can’t see myself getting jacked up for a Toronto FC game, without first serving up my manhood on a silver platter to the estrogen police. So, all of you soccer fans better get your fill in the next two weeks because Talkin’ with Tewks’ soccer coverage will disappear at the conclusion of the World Cup.

Then you’ll have to wait until 2014 for the game to warrant a mention on here again. Actually, if I’m still writing this blog in the same capacity in four years, then I’ll have much bigger problems than soccer to worry about.

Bachelorette Recap: Chris N, We Hardly Knew Ye

(BOD - Miranda Kerr)

I am literally shaking in anticipation of what Kasey will do next. Great comments as always last week, let’s keep them coming. Props to Patty for continuing to drum up support for my candidacy as a future contestant. I can already out-baseball Roberto and out-cry the Weatherman, so it’s about time Tewks unleashed his fury on one lucky bachelorette.

8:00 – Another full house tonight. I’m joined by Mama, Sister and Cousin Tewks. Let the insanity begin.

8:02 – “Are you willing to do that?” – Kasey in reference to his tattoo. No, Kasey, I’m not willing to do that because I’m not a fucking moron.

8:05 – Love poems. Are you shitting me? What’s next? A guitar sing-off? Kasey’s already recited at least six terrible poems so far this season. I bet he’s trying to figure out what rhymes with ‘guard’ and ‘protect’.

8:07 – Chris N with some camera time!! That was so exciting.

8:12 – “I’ll be able to see her heart and she’ll be able to see mine.” I’m confused. Is Kasey planning on dissecting Ali on their next date?

8:15 – “I’ve got my shield ready to go.” Now, I’m really confused. Does Kasey think he’s in 300?

8:16 – Let’s give Chris N a break. It’s the first time he’s spoken in three weeks.

8:17 – “Ohhhhhhhh” – Cousin Tewks in appreciation of Kirk’s poem. The steak dinner we just had certainly didn’t make him any straighter.

8:25 – I would love to go sweater shopping with Kirk. Wait, I mean Ali.

8:28 – Rated R and Kasey on the 2 on 1 date? That is fantastic. Almost like Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III.

8:35 – Kirk’s story sounds like a case for Dr. House. He would have diagnosed that shit in 42 minutes plus commercials.

8:38 – Kasey can take the physical pain. Yeah, you’re a tough guy, mister fancy pants, with your cute little tattoo.

8:46 – “How do you guys feel about going down there?” I’ll go down, Ali. Oh, you mean in the cave. Never mind, I’m good.

8:56 – All of the blood in my body flowed directly to my nether regions when Ali stripped down to that bikini. My God. That was the greatest moment in the history of this program. That should win an Emmy.

8:58 – If I was Ty, I’d be trying to undo her bathing suit top right now.

9:02 – Ali is HAMMERED with Frank right now. This is hilarious. He should be taking advantage of her ASAP.

9:03 – She’s so drunk!

9:09 – Exactly how big is the helicopter budget on this show?

9:13 – Rated R think he’s on a game show. He’s in it for the competition and that’s it.

9:20 – Just show her the fucking tattoo already!!

9:22 – Ali is terrified of Kasey. She has had that fake smile plastered to her face for the last five minutes.

9:23 – “Here’s a piece of me I want to share with you.” In Kasey’s defence, I would probably say the same thing to Ali, but we’d be referring to different organs.

9:25 – Ali’s crying solely because she’s terrified that Kasey’s going to throw himself off the glacier.

9:27 – Justin’s a tool too. Yeah, we get it. You’re an unsuccessful professional wrestler without a future in the business. Give it a rest already.

9:34 – What look does Ali want in a man? Unbridled enthusiasm mixed with a serial killer’s zeal?

9:35 – Great move by Craig R with the fake tattoo. Funny and topical. Well done, sir.

9:36 – Chris N is awful. How the hell has he made it this far? That was excruciating to watch.

9:40 – “Roberto’s got some nice dimple action.” Surprisingly, Mama Tewks, not Cousin Tewks, said that.

9:47 – Harrison needs to spice up these interviews. I want the last five minutes of my life back.

9:53 – “Are you kidding me?” – Mama Tewks, when Frank got the rose. She really hates him with a passion. I think it’s the glasses. Or maybe the beady, little eyes. Or the terrible personality.

9:55 – Chris N is like the T-1000 from Terminator 2. He can’t compute human emotion.

9:56 – “I’m at a loss for words, to be honest.” And Chris N perfectly encapsulated his Bachelorette experience in one sentence.

9:57 – “It’s only going to get harder.” That’s what she said.

The scenes from next week look incredible.

What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.

Talkin' with Tewks Live: La Coupe De la Monde

(BOD - Candice Swanepoel)

I have to hand it to CSzem. His passion for such a wussy sport is really starting to rub off on me. I am following Argentina with a fervour and I actually contributed to this week's podcast with soccer questions and comments instead of just mailing it in and pretending to listen to what CSzem has to say.

Some highlights from today's podcast:

- More Argentina love
- Unveiling my mancrush on Argentine defender Jonas Gutierrez
- Comparing Lionel Messi to Daniel LaRusso at the beginning of The Karate Kid
- Discussing the pitfalls and benefits of dating Diego Maradona's daughter
- Adoration for the World Cup referees
- Condeming soccer players for their incessant diving
- Bringing red and yellow cards into other sports and life
- Vuvuzelas
- Determining when Miley Cyrus turns 18

Talkin' with Tewks Live: World Cup #2

Enjoy.