Walker, How About Those Texas Rangers

(BOD - Leighton Meester)

(Thanks to AC for clearing up the final play of Roy’s no hitter. It pays to have readers who are much smarter than I)

I love love love what Nolan Ryan has been trying do with his pitching staff in Texas. He is challenging his guys to sack up when they’re on the mound and finish what they’ve started. He’s attempting to construct a rotation in his own image and I think it’s fabulous that he’s going against the baseball establishment and believing that his guys’ arms won’t fall off after 100 pitches.

And suffice to say, his pitchers have drank the Kool-Aid and have the Rangers on the brink of making it to the American League Championship Series. I can’t give Ryan credit for Cliff Lee; Lee was a stud long before he came to Texas, but it was Ryan’s influence that brought Lee to the Rangers in the first place.

However, Nolan deserves every bit of credit for CJ Wilson’s dominating performance against the Rays in Game 2 of the Division Series. It was Wilson, a former closer, who approached Ryan and team management in the offseason saying he wanted to be a starter. He didn’t ask, more like he forcefully suggested. Ryan didn’t waffle and said maybe we’ll give you a shot at spring training. No, he looked Wilson in the eye, told him he was going to start and that he should plan his offseason training accordingly. It’s the confidence Ryan has instilled in his pitching staff, that they are charge of the game when on the mound, that has led to Texas’ success.

From one great left-handed performance to another, Andy Pettitte did his job, as he’s done for fifteen years, by shutting down the Twins last night to give the Yanks a 2-0 series lead. It’s a great time to be a fan of left-handed pitching as there are a number of great guys currently pitching in October. However, I do feel bad for Carl Pavano. He got completely hosed on that 2-2 pitch to Lance Berkman. Without a doubt, that was a strike.

In fact, if that had been me on the mound, that late in a close game, I guarantee I would have been run out of the game for mouthing off to the umpire after that. I’m out there working my ass off, make a perfect pitch, and you call it a ball? I would have lost my shit.

And much like Wednesday, a great left handed performance was over shadowed by an incredible outing by a righthander. Timmy Lincecum absolutely dealt to the Braves last night, striking out 14 in a complete game shutout. It was almost as good as Halladay’s gem (save for a couple of mistakes), but unfortunately I was asleep by the time Timmy really got good.

I went to bed when he had 6 strikeouts through 4. Obviously, I will not make the same mistake again and fall asleep when Lincecum’s on the hill.

Have a great Thanksgiving weekend.

Back on Tuesday. Amazingly, we could already be previewing the League Championship Series’ by that time, if the current trends hold.

Doc? . . . Doc? . . . Doc!!!

(The Man)

Wow.

It was only day one of the playoffs and I’m already not sure if my body can take anymore excitement. Who needs Cialis when you have Roy Halladay pitching in the postseason?

Seriously, I had to consult a physician because I had an erection that lasted way longer than four hours last night. My memory is a little foggy and I think I passed out at one point from the lack of blood, but I believe it started early afternoon when Cliff Lee was mowing down the Rays lineup and continuing his playoff dominance.

Then Halladay took the mound around 5pm and there was no rest or reprieve in sight for Little Tewks. And I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

I don’t think there are enough superlatives in the English language for me to describe the greatness and terrifying efficiency of Roy’s performance last night. It was like watching him throw a bullpen session to imaginary hitters. Every pitch was exactly where he wanted it and it got to a point during the game that it was surprising to even see a Reds batter make contact with a pitch, let alone hit anything hard.

It was an odd no-hitter because after Reds reliever Travis Wood smoked that ball to rightfield early in the game, there was no defensive play that made you stop and say ‘Wow, that one could be the one that saved the no-hitter.’ It was almost like the outcome was never in doubt. That is what a pitcher who has complete mastery of his craft throws like. It was like watching a video game set on an ‘Easy’ difficulty level.

The only adversity Halladay faced was the moronic ramblings of the idiots calling the game for TBS (they don’t deserve to have their names mentioned in this space). At every opportunity from the fifth inning onward, they couldn’t wait to tell the audience that a no-hitter was in progress.

Really, guys? How about a little decorum and respect for baseball superstition. You never mention a no-hitter in progress. Instead say something like “The Reds still have only had one baserunner, by way of a walk.” Then everyone knows what’s going on, but it’s not mentioned explicitly.

These morons couldn’t wait to talk all about it. The only thing they didn’t do was go down to the bench between innings and whisper it in Halladay’s ear. I hope a fire broke out on their floor of the hotel last night.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out CSzem’s shortcomings on such a historic night. Remember that he was the one, in Tuesday’s podcast, to wonder if Doc would be nervous before his first postseason start. Poor, poor Cszem. If only we could all be that nervous.

I’ve never seen a pitcher with such unblemished command of his entire repertoire of pitches. EVERYTHING was working last night. The movement on his changeup, sinker and slider was nothing short of incredible. The Reds hitters, and these are professionals, looked like lost puppies at the plate. Have you ever seen so many swings and misses in an MLB game before?

I didn’t even sit down for the last two innings of the game, the magnitude of the situation threatened to make my heart stop beating. I think Halladay was the calmest person in the stadium last night. And, I’m not ashamed to admit, but it may have gotten a little dusty in the Tewks household after the last out was made.

It was one of the greatest things I have ever witnessed live on television (it narrowly beats out the Britney/Madonna kiss as the VMAs a few years back).

I can’t wait to see what the good Doctor has in store for his encore.

(Quick postscript: on the last out of the game, when the ball struck the bat in fair territory, isn’t that an automatic out? Or at least a dead ball? There’s no way play can continue after something like that, correct? If anyone knows the answer, let us know in the comments section).

The Airing of Grievances: Potpourri Edition

(BOD - Sasha Gray)

Those of you who are regular readers of this blog, but not fans of the great game of baseball may want to search elsewhere for entertainment over the next three weeks. Starting with tomorrow’s column, it’s going to be all baseball, all the time until a World Series champion is crowned.


I can’t even focus on today’s column because of the playoff-induced erection that is currently funnelling all of the blood in my body down south. Truthfully, I’m hard enough to bore a hole into the Hope Diamond. Nevertheless, I am going to power through and address a couple of things that have pissed me off in recent days.

- I have really had it with Blogger and the new picture posting feature. I have no idea what the hell the program is talking about or why it won’t even recognize pics I copy for posting (they just disappear). And Mrs. CSzem, the reason I am having an issue is due to the fact that I’m an idiot. Why did they have to change the picture post feature? The old one worked fine. I hate change.

(Edit: I fixed it, which proves that I am, in fact, the smartest man alive)

- I am really not going to like the Miami Heat this year. I watched the highlights of their first game and the only part I liked was watching Dwayne Wade limp off the court with a hamstring injury. It’s weird, I used to like LeBron’s powder throw into the air before games. Now, it just seems like a cry for attention. I hope someone replaces the resin with anthrax.

During warm-ups, Dwayne Wade did three pull-ups off the rim. Normally, I am all for doing pull-ups whenever and wherever possible. But Wade couldn’t even do proper pull-ups. He only did three, and not once did he lower his arms to full extension at the bottom of the rep or get his chin above the rim at the top of the rep. I hate people who cut corners during training, especially when Wade was just doing it to show off in the first place and he can’t even do it properly. Hmm, I wonder why he got injured when it’s apparent he likes to cheat on his training. I hope his hamstring came off the bone.

I just plain don’t like Chris Bosh. The fact he is still being treated like one of the top players in the league makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t even call him a second banana. He’s the banana you leave on the counter for too long and it ends up looking like a turd with flakes of mustard sprinkled throughout.

- Whatever happened to actors who can actually carry themselves like athletes and make you believe they could succeed at the sport? Gone are the days of guys like Burt Reynolds, Kurt Russell and Kevin Costner inhabiting a character who plays sports and pulling off the physicality needed to make it believable. You put Costner in a sports movie and there is no doubt in your mind that he could play that sport at the highest level.

I don’t see that attention to detail anymore. I thought of this while watching the newest season of Eastbound and Down. Now, it’s a fantastic, funny, highly entertaining show, but I can’t get over the fact that every baseball scene is excruciating to watch. Danny McBride makes the guy who played Costner’s father in Field of Dreams look like Nolan Ryan. I understand that it’s a comedy, but I can’t believe Kenny Powers can throw 100 miles per hour. I don’t believe he can throw 50.

The producers know this and they’ve peppered every baseball scene with actors at the same shitty baseball calibre as McBride, so as to not upstage the star. Seriously? They couldn’t have put him in a baseball camp for three weeks and teach him not to throw like a girl?

- I may or may not have watched Teen Mom last night. This is less a grievance to air and more a commentary on my sad, sorry existence. What the hell is wrong with me? I didn’t even really enjoy the show. Every single person on camera is a complete moron who should have never been allowed to procreate in the first place.

All the show is going to do is sensationalize teen pregnancy so a bunch of idiot kids can think making a baby will lead to fame and fortune. I hate society. Also, the redhead chick has smoking hot friends. I need to see more of them, maybe in three-way, and less crying, bitching and moaning. If, you know, I ever watch the show again (season finale Tuesday at 10pm).

Talkin' with Tewks Live: MLB Playoff Preview

(I really need some computer expertise. The new 'Add Image' browser web thing in Blogger is wreakig havoc on my ability to post pictures. It won't let me post pics that I save or pics that I take from the Internet by posting the URL. The only thing I can do is post pictures I've already used.)

After much delay, here is the MLB Playoff Preview podcast. We covered all the series in-depth and have some meandering conversations about some other topics as well.

Talkin' with Tewks Live: MLB Playoff Preview

Enjoy.

The Ryder Cup

Where’s this week’s episode of Talkin’ with Tewks Live, you ask? I know many of you access this site every Monday morning purely for the opportunity to hear my smooth, syrupy baritone and CSzem’s high-pitched shrill.

You can direct your complaints to my cohost as he begged off podcast duties early this morning. Why? I’m not sure, although I can only assume it has something to do with spending his son’s university savings to cover his massive gambling debts.

I don’t consider myself that much of an intimidating guy, but I could almost hear CSzem’s knees quaking while I read his text asking, nay begging, for a postponement. Here’s a word for word transcript of his message. I felt like Rocky talking to one of Gazzo’s deadbeat clients. Once again, this is verbatim:

“Um, Mr. Tewks, sir. Um, would it be possible if we moved the podcast to tomorrow? I’m really sorry, sir. I just really need it moved by a day. I don’t know enough about baseball to match your unparalleled intelligence and wit. I’m so, so sorry, Mr. Tewks. Please forgive me.”

Pathetic, right?

So, instead of a podcast previewing the MLB playoffs, I’m going to scramble something together and comment on The Ryder Cup as I watch singles play live this Monday morning.

Rain and the time difference has wreaked absolute havoc on my ability to watch coverage of the event and figure out what’s going on in the 38th edition of the format. I could never figure out if the coverage was live or not and usually just retreated to the internet to figure out where things stood.

Some comments about the event:

- The performance by the Europeans on Sunday was incredibly impressive. They very nearly whitewashed play letting the US only garner a single half point and putting a stranglehold on the competition (barring a Brookline-esque collapse)

- I love watching golfers with zero athletic talent, except the ability to hit a golf ball, prance and preen around the green yelling at the top of their lungs and pumping their firsts like they just made a sack in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl

- This is definitely the most exciting event in golf. Golfers rarely show emotion and most crowds are stodgy and boring, but not in The Ryder Cup. Everyone is jacked up to an unfathomable degree.

- My love for the European squad is waning with every Ole chant that springs up in the crowd. Then I remember seeing the US WAGs (wives and girlfriends) running onto the green in high heels at Brookline and my hatred for the American squad comes to the fore once again.

- I love how the announcers assume that the viewing audience cannot do simple arithmetic and say things like “Europe needs 14.5 points to win. They currently have 9.5. That means they need five more points to win.” Thanks, guys. What would we do without you?

- Tiger appears to be back. After losing the first two holes to one of the Molinari brothers, he has put together an incredible round, including five birdies and an eagle (as of 8:30am).

- I will never get tired of hearing the crowd cheer for bad shots by the US squad. Something about it makes me smile.

The NBC crew is trying way too hard to make it seem like the US has a chance. This competition is over. I’m going to watch the rest of the coverage unfettered and hope CSzem sacks up for tomorrow.

Jersey Shore!!!!!!

(BOD - Lacey Chabert)

It was remarked last Friday that my columns lacked a certain reality TV flavour and the writer of the comment expressed dismay at the absence of reality TV coverage. Or maybe he was happy that I just focused on sports. I don’t know; I wasn’t really paying attention. Nevertheless, back by popular demand here is a recap of last night’s Jersey Shore.

10:01 – The Situation is right. Angelina is a ho. I don’t understand what the problem is.

10:02 – This Mike dude is in a weird situation. Why is he still standing there like a mute? What a chump.

10:03 – Pauly D has an amazing tan. He looks like a young Hulk Hogan. And I say that with a staunch record of heterosexuality (ok maybe a questionable record of heterosexuality).

10:04 – “She’s a girl and she’s bringing guys home. Girl don’t do that. Guys do.” My sentiments exactly. Pauly D for President of the world.

10:06 – Jwoww is like Two Face. Or the ugly/hot chick from that episode of Seinfeld. Some scenes she looks amazing and in other scenes she looks like a meth addict. Whoa, bad lighting on the porch.

10:11 – I LOVE T-SHIRT TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10:13 – “Less clothes the better.” I really like Samantha from Canada. Here’s a question: why is The Situation taking the girl to the club with the rest of the group after prepping the smush room? Dude, you have an empty house! Smash that girl for the entire night. Don’t take her to the club; it’s just a needless diversion.

10:17 – I love the addition of ‘O Canada’ during The Situation’s smush session. Great touch by the producers.

10:30 – Pauly D is the MVP of this season. Just consistently brings the funny each and every episode.

10:37 – Wow, Jwoww actually has some real human emotion. What a sweet moment . . . God, her boobs are huge.

10:52 – Alex is Angelina’s guy? Since when? I hate this girl with every fibre of my being.

10:55 – Snooki taking off her earrings was like watching an NHL enforcer take off his gloves and elbow pads being throwing down.

10:56 – I sincerely think Angelina is a pathological liar. Good riddance.

Ryder Cup Preview

(BOD - Chick with Huge Knockers)

Before I begin today’s column, I feel the need to apologize to someone I was rather harsh to in yesterday’s piece. I hammered Travis Snider pretty good for his lack of maturity and stupid way he dealt with Cito’s advice on hitting last year.

Although I still believe in those sentiments, it’s obvious that Snider has come a long way since last year and has fully embraced the managerial style of Mr. Gaston, evidenced by his hitting prowess this season.

Full marks to Snider for providing one of the most enjoyable moments of the season when he kept wearing his eyeblack mustache that a few players wore to honour Cito in the pregame ceremony. It takes a lot of stones for the kid to willingly wear something so stupid on national television, but the look worked. Plus, he hit a jack in his first at-bat.

The Ryder Cup kicks off on Friday morning and there are a plethora of juicy subplots surrounding the biennial (or is it biannual?) event. I always enjoy watching the Ryder Cup purely for the opportunity to see stuffy golfers with no discernable personalities transform into wild, demonstrative athletes where patriotism and national pride, rather than money, is what’s at stake by the end of the weekend.

Typically, my rooting interests lie with the Europeans because they are usually the underdog and I never get tired of seeing the Americans get their comeuppance on the world stage. Plus, the Euros always seem like they’re having more fun and genuinely like each other, whereas the Americans act like a bunch of new hires meeting for the first time on Orientation Day.

This appears to be the first Ryder Cup in a long time where the Americans are widely considered to be underdogs. They have Jeff Overton on the team. Who the hell is Jeff Overton?

There are always a lot of tension-filled moments in the Ryder Cup and more than a few instances of inter-country chirping and this year appears to be no different. There are a few rumours flying around that Rory McIlroy called Tiger out and said that everyone on Team Europe is gunning for him. He then backed off and said those comments took place months ago.

Tiger was made aware of the comments and I saw the slightest glimmer of a smile on his face when he was asked about it. Tiger relishes the opportunity to use real or perceived slights against him as bulletin board material (remember Stephen Ames and 9 and 8). Woods has been struggling with his game this year, so the last thing the European team should be is awake the sleeping giant.

Then it was rumoured that Tiger actually approached McIlroy this year and told him “Be careful what you wish for.” How great is that? I hope against hope that Tiger and Rory play each other in singles on Sunday afternoon, mano a mano, and we’ll see who comes out on top.

Of course, Phil Mickelson had to ruin everything by saying the episode was blown out of proportion and McIlroy is a great guy who is liked by everyone. Nice job, Phil. That attitude is the reason the US is going to lose this year. No killer instinct.

I want these guys out for (blue) blood.

Cito Bids Adieu

(BOD - Cito)

Tonight’s Blue Jays game versus the Yankees will be the last time Cito Gaston will ever manage this team in Toronto. I hope the game will take on a celebratory air and Gaston receives all the accolades and applause he deserves for being a loyal foot soldier to this organization for almost thirty years.

In advance of his final game, Cito did the classy thing (basically this column will be a far departure from yesterday’s diatribe against AJ Burnett) and wrote an open letter to the city of Toronto that was featured on the front page of the Toronto Star this morning.

In the letter, Gaston basically thanked fans for all of their support over the years and described, rather eloquently, how much the city means to him. That is the proper way to leave a sports city that has been a part of you for so long. Not surprisingly, Roy Halladay did the same thing when he left town.

Gaston will always be remembered for bringing two World Series titles to the Blue Jays organization. One thing I will never understand is how Cito went thirteen odd years without getting another managerial job in Major League Baseball. It’s a travesty that his talents as a bench boss were not utilized until he returned to the helm of the Jays in 2008.

Cito is and always has been the prototypical player’s manager. He will stick with his guys through thick and thin and always give them a chance to play through a slump. Baseball is game about confidence and having the manager’s support when you feel your game slipping away from you is integral to on-field success. Also, players’ managers will have their guys’ backs in disputes with umpires, evidenced by Gaston getting thrown out of the game last night after two close calls went against the Jays. Cito getting out of the dugout to argue quickly probably kept John Buck in the game.

That’s why it was so disheartening last year when there rumours of a mutiny against Cito by a small pocket of players who didn’t want him back as manager for this season. No names were released, but apparently the entitled millionaires on the Jays roster didn’t like his old-school approach.

Oh, you mean he didn’t coddle your ass and had the audacity to call you out behind closed doors if he felt there was a perceived lack of effort? The horror!! Suck it up and act like adults. That was a stain on Gaston’s career and through no fault of his own.

(Travis Snider, you didn’t like all the advice you were getting from the coaching staff trying to help you hit major league pitching. Sorry, of course you know everything about hitting at this level at the age of 21. How did the minor leagues treat you last year? Maybe Cito knows a lot more than you thought, eh? Jackass)

Nevertheless, Talkin’ with Tewks will always be indebted to Cito Gaston for everything he has done for this organization and I sincerely hope that the standing ovation for Cito tonight is long and loud.

Burnett Gets Crushed Again

(BOD - Kate Hudson)

Like a jilted lover who immaturely wishes pain and heartbreak on her ex years after a breakup, I continually take the utmost enjoyment at watching AJ Burnett fail miserably on the mound.

Watching Burnett hightail it out of Toronto when he actually learned how to pitch, or so it seemed at the time, with a nary a concern for the club he was leaving behind was a painful process to go through (especially since I was at his last start as a Jay and joined the crowd in giving him a standing ovation when he was removed from the game).

Last night’s beatdown moved Burnett’s record to 0-3 versus the Jays this year and his overall record to 10-14 on the season. I’m sure Yankee fans are thrilled with the team’s investment in the mercurial righthander.

Burnett personifies a pitcher who, as Crash Davis so eloquently said, possesses “a million dollar arm and a five cent head.” He drives coaches crazy because he has some of the best stuff in the league but the mental makeup and fortitude of a five year old. He should be on a march towards 300 wins with his repertoire of pitches; instead he’s the number four option on New York’s staff.

If I was a Yankee, I would have a huge problem with Burnett’s demeanour on the field. After giving up a three home run to Vernon Wells and a loud double to the wall by Lyle Overbay, Burnett’s face registered zero emotion. Now I wouldn’t want a guy stomping around the field either, but show me that you care about your profession a little bit.

Burnett looked like he was waiting in line at the DMV. Get mad at yourself, put a look of determination on your face, bear down and try to keep your team in the game. Instead, Burnett continued to serve up gopher balls and didn’t make it out of the fourth inning.

What a chump.

The victory was the Jays 81st on the season and guaranteed the team a .500 record for the year. WOW, WHAT AN AMAZING ACCOMPLISHMENT!!!!! PLAN THE PARADE!!!!

(I wonder if CSzem sent a couple of case of champagne to the Jays locker room, so the team could celebrate being average)

The blog has been lacking in pop culture news as of late, so I quickly wanted to comment on the death of Gloria Stuart, who played the old broad in Titanic. Now, I’m comfortable enough in my masculinity to admit that I have a soft spot for the movie. If it’s on, I will usually tune in for a decent amount of time.

My favourite part is when the band stops playing when the ship is going down. The band members say their goodbyes, but one guy stays behind and continues playing. The other guys return and they play one last song, Nearer my God to Thee, together before their deaths. It gets me every time. Watch it here and don’t get choked up. I dare you.

However, I do have two problems with the movie. One, why does Jack let Rose lie on that piece of wood, while he freezes to death (yes, I know they both couldn’t fit on it because of her massive ass)? Why not find something bigger to lay on or your own piece of wood? Or a dead body? Instead, you just gave up your life for a rich skank who nailed you in a car while she was engaged.

Second, when Rose dies at the end of the movie and we see her go to Heaven: why does she end up back on the Titanic with Jack and hundreds of other people she only knew for like three days?

Wasn’t she married to her husband for like 50 years and had a family and a lifetime of memories with him? And he is nowhere to be found when she moves to the afterlife. That is such bullshit. Basically, she’s informing us that she didn’t give a shit about her family or anything else that happened to her in the 80 years since the Titanic went down. She was pining after Jack the entire time.

What a bitch.

Talkin' with Tewks Live: Week 3 in the NFL

(BOD - Malin Akerman)

In recapping Week 3 in the National Football League, CSzem and I touched on the following teams:

- The Cowboys
- Texans
- Jaguars
- Vikings
- Eagles
- Steelers

Talkin' with Tewks Live: NFL Week 3

Enjoy.

Bautista Hits 50

(Great discourse by CSzem and TDR in the comments section yesterday. I’m sure it was all great, but the posts were much too long to read in their entirety. However, it certainly looked like a lot of words. Kudos, gentlemen).

For a late September game that has absolutely no impact on the standings or the playoff races, yesterday afternoon’s contest between the Jays and Mariners certainly contained a lot of excitement.

Jose Bautista wasted no time making history, hitting his 50th home run of the season in the first inning off of Seattle’s ace, Felix Hernandez.

It’s a tremendous accomplishment for Bautista and I sincerely hope he stays a Jay for years to come. As I’ve mentioned in this space before, Bautista is the only position player on the roster who encapsulates the ‘heart and hustle’ mantra of the Jays marketing campaign. He’s the only guy not afraid to get dirty, and stick up for himself, not taking crap from any of the big dogs in the league.

I also love how he takes a Ruthian hack every time he takes a swing. Bautista does not get cheated at the plate. He may not hit a dinger each plate appearance, but it’s not for a lack of trying. I take the same, exact philosophy when I try to please a woman.

Ichiro made some headlines as well, getting his 200th hit of the season, which is the tenth consecutive year he has done that. It’s a feat that has never been done before in the history of the game. Does Ichiro deserve to be in the Hall of Fame? Discuss amongst yourselves (I say unequivocally yes).

CSzem and I discussed the AL Cy Young race on our last podcast and I was torn between CC Sabbathia and Felix Hernandez. CC has great numbers this year and a gaudy won-loss record, but Hernandez, by every metric except wins, is undoubtedly the best pitcher in the league.

The romantic, old school baseball fan in me wants the big Yankee to win because, at the end of the day, wins are what’s most important. However, the pitcher in me feels for King Felix and his league worst run support. After seeing Hernandez’s dominance against the Jays last night (a complete game two hitter) and his body of work of work throughout the season, it’s hard not see him as the Cy Young winner.

If you gave him even shitty offensive support, instead of downright terrible, he would be threatening twenty wins, instead of languishing at 12-12.

I think it’s the telling that I was openly rooting for Hernandez to win last night to improve his chances at winning the award. That does not bode well for my future as a Jays fans.

Rogers, I will see you in hell.

Bush Forced to Return Heisman

(BOD - Kim Kardashian)

(Quick aside before I get going: I have to address CSzem’s comment from yesterday’s article. I never once blasted the Jays for trying to win games. Of course they should try to win their remaining contests or it would be to disservice to their fans. However, I do have a problem with making a .500 record a goal to attain. Since when should we celebrate mediocrity? Finishing a game or two over .500 is “meaningful”? Where I come from, it’s not impressive to strive to be average. That’s setting yourself up for failure and a lifetime of weakness (a synonym for mediocrity).

Truthfully, what attitude can I really expect from a guy who retires in the third set of a tennis match because it’s too hot and he’s got a trickle of sweat running down his forehead. Against Gretzpo no less. To each his own.)

For the first time in the history of the award, the Heisman committee decided to rescind the trophy given to one of it winners. Reggie Bush, he of the miraculous and gravity-defying college football season while attending USC and playing for the Trojans, was stripped of his trophy because family members took money from some shady people so they could live in a nice, big house.

Now, I don’t want to get into a huge discussion on the unfairness of NCAA football; an institution where schools, broadcasters and everyone else gets ungodly rich except for the players killing themselves on the field. The NCAA model is broke and it needs to be fixed. They can’t fault these guys looking for a little something something on the side where there is zero compensation.

I can almost guarantee that this isn’t the first time that a Heisman Trophy has accepted money other than his scholarship from school. It’s just naïve to think so.

What I can’t understand is why the powers that be are trying to make an example of Reggie Bush. Is it because he nailed Kim Kardashian? At this point, is there anyone in the NFL who hasn’t tapped that massive ass?

The only crime Bush is guilty of is accepting gifts, deemed illegal by the NCAA, on behalf of family members. I could reconcile Bush being stripped of the trophy if his improprieties affected his on field success. For example, if Reggie was implicated for using steroids, which ultimately catalyzed his tremendous performances on the field, then by all means take away the trophy (although I cannot believe that some defences he faced that year weren’t juiced up).

Let’s summarize: Reggie Bush had his Heisman taken away for accepting money. Who gives a shit? I would have done the same thing. Ricky Williams was arrested multiple times for marijuana use. He still has his trophy. OJ Simpson was accused of murdering two people and is currently serving time for armed robbery. He still has his trophy.

Does anyone else see something wrong with that paragraph?

The NCAA: making stupid decisions since 1906.

Sick of the Toronto Sports Scene

(BOD - Chelsie Hightower)

I can’t take it anymore.

Not only do I have to deal with lacklustre teams putting up a woeful lack of W’s on the scoreboard, a television conflict that threatens to crack even the biggest fans’ resolves, but media types and fans, some of whom must be fairly smart people, have lost complete touch with reality.

After my diatribe against the Leafs yesterday, I thought I would be done with the issue. Unfortunately, not being a fan of the team, I had no idea their first exhibition game was yesterday at the ACC versus the Senators.

First off, I love the euphemism that real fans were in attendance because tickets were free due to a generous donation by Coca-Cola. Those weren’t real fans, those were poor people. I have better things to do with my time than fraternize with the dregs of society. Am I being too harsh? These free ticket games always lead to the most altercations in the stands from morons who drink too much and have no idea how to conduct themselves in a social setting that isn’t a monster truck rally.

The Leafs got smacked around 5-0 by the Sens. Some of you may expect me to gloat that the team is going to be terrible, but I can’t because I’m smart enough to know that exhibition games are meaningless. The knee-jerk reactions around the GTA deriding the club were absolutely incredible. Why does rational thinking go out the window when it comes to this team?

From what I read, there were quite a number of fights, but a pitiful number of scoring chances by Toronto. I guess the old adage rings true, ‘you play like you practice.’ The power play was especially anemic, but that was to be expected because the Leafs ‘haven’t practiced special teams.’

What? Why the hell not?

Someone needs to tell Brian Burke that there is more to the game than fighting. I thought he was a smart guy, but not after the following quote he’s been saying to everyone who will listen: “We think it’s realistic [making the playoffs] based on the fact that from Jan. 31 to the end of the season we were the seventh-best team in the East.”

Talk about grasping at straws.

Onto the Blue Jays. Of course, if I was actually able to watch the team, I would have a lot more things to say. They managed to eke out a win versus the Mariners last night. Afterwards, it became public that Cito is going to stick with his veterans the rest of the year to ensure the club finishes over .500.

Are you kidding me?

The team is sacrificing the opportunity to give their young guns some playing time to prepare for next year in order to have the team work towards complete mediocrity. I am absolutely disgusted.

To paraphrase former Notre Dame Head Coach, Ara Parseghian, “you just summed up your whole sorry franchise here in one second. As it was, you just went from my favourite MLB team to an afterthought. Get out of here. Find me another team to cheer for. Go on, get out of here!”

There must be some benevolent billionaire out there who is willing to save these teams. Please. For the love of God, please.

Leafs Camp in Full Swing

(BOD - Audrina Patridge)

Those of you who read this space consistently over the winter months know that I am not a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Desultory results since the lockout mixed with ownership who seem to have no idea how to run an NHL franchise have all contributed to my apathy.

Plus, baseball is my sport of choice, which is tough to reconcile as a Canadian because all I am forced to hear about literally every month of the year is hockey, hockey, hockey. The main sports networks in this country devote an entire day of television coverage to hockey’s trade deadline. That’s right. Over 12 hours of coverage focused on fourth line bruisers switching teams to the interest of no one except their immediate families. Riveting stuff.

Tewks, if you dislike hockey so much, why are you writing about it in September during training camp?

Excellent question. I’m writing about the Maple Leafs so I can be the voice of reason in a sea of craziness that has people predicting Toronto is poised to make a deep playoff run. The franchise sucks and they will continue to suck for quite a long time.

Brian Burke loves to talk about making his teams a ‘Top 6, Bottom 6’ delineation when it comes to his forwards. Well, Burkey, all I see is Phil Kessel and . . . that’s pretty much it. I don’t think a team has ever competed for a Stanley Cup with a ‘Top 1, Bottom 11’.

I’m fairly positive that the members of the Toronto media are inclined to agree with me, evidenced by the focus of their articles to this point: team toughness.

All I’ve read over the past few days is how much ‘intensity’ the Leafs are showing at camp and that guys are fighting despite being told not to by the coaching staff. However, the coaching staff doesn’t mind since they love players who ‘play with passion.’

Ever since Brian Burke introduced the words truculence, belligerence and pugnacity into this city’s vocabulary, that’s all anyone seems to care about. Newsflash, folks. It takes more than a few knuckle-dragging Neanderthals to make a Stanley Cup contender.

And why the hell would you want players fighting each other during training camp? It just seems stupid. What if someone gets hurt and misses a part of the season for little more than childish fisticuffs?

Michael Liambis, one of the dreamers at the camp, fought Jay Rosehill during the first scrimmage because Rosehill wallpapered Liambis’ teammate, Carl Gunnarson, into the boards. Liambis fought Rosehill because he said he was “protecting his teammate.” So, you’re concerned for the health and well-bring of one teammate and you’re showing going to show that concern by fighting another teammate. Can someone explain to me how that makes sense?

Let’s summarize Maple Leafs training camp thus far, shall we: so, not only are players fighting against the wishes of the coaching staff (which shows they can’t follow orders), they’re fighting each other (doubling the injury risk), and seem more concerned with dropping their gloves showing how tough they are rather than put pucks in the net.

Yikes. It’s going to be a long winter in the GTA.

Talkin' with Tewks Live: Pennant Races

(BOD - Blake Lively)

With the baseball season winding down, CSzem and I discuss the end of the year push into the postseason. Highlights include:

- Jose Bautista
- Pennant Races
- AL and NL Cy Young Front Runners
- Roy Halladay's first postseason

Talkin' with Tewks Live: Pennant Races

Enjoy.

Num-bah 2, Derek's a Cheater, Num-bah 2

(BOD - Sara Carbonero; thanks to CH)

Bob Sheppard’s honey-dipped voice must be spinning around in his grave after Derek Jeter’s actions against the Tampa Bay Rays on Wednesday night. For someone who is always lauded for ‘playing the game the right way’, Jeter’s actions were despicable and an affront to the wonderful game of baseball.

For those of you who don’t know, a pitch was delivered to Jeter high and tight. He was unable to get out of the way and the ball struck the knob of his shaft (on the bat; get your minds out of the gutter).

However, it all happened so fast that the umpire thought the ball hit Jeter on the hand when he tried to jump out of the way. Now, if the episode just ended there, with Jeter quietly taking his base upon the umpire’s directions, then I would have no issue with the sequence whatsoever.

Unfortunately, Mr. Yankee, Derek Jeter, did not go quietly into the night. He hopped around the home plate area shaking his fist like a 12 year old who just discovered his penis for the first time. He grimaced in pain and engaged in all sorts of embarrassing histrionics.

Captain America even called the trainer out to look at his phantom injury. It was really quite the acting performance. Jeter’s pop tart, Minka Kelly, should have taken some notes.

Jeter got his free base and the next batter hit a two run home run. Luckily, the baseball Gods abhorred Jeter’s actions and forced the Yankees to ultimately lose the game and their division lead in one fell swoop.

Number 2 even had the audacity to shrug the entire situation off after the game with a stupid, shit-eating grin stapled to his pretty boy face. With instant replay so readily available, everyone on the continent knows that Jeter is a liar and a faker.

I’ve never liked the guy, but I always had begrudging respect for him. Not anymore. He’s a bum. I hope he never gets to 3000 hits and contracts some new super strain of VD.

Plus, I’ve had to listen to a plethora of talking heads commend Jeter for being ‘smart.’

What the fuck?

If A-Rod did the same thing, every media personality in the world would be trying to burn him at the stake. Bud Selig would probably suspend him for fifty games and we’d have to protect our children from Rodriguez’s abhorrent behaviour.

It’s ridiculous. And now my left arm hurts.

Have a great weekend.

Jack Morris Was Right All Along

(BOD - Ines Sainz)

Before I begin today’s discussion, I just want to allow my rainbow liberal readers to start bunching their panties up now and start formulating some needlessly tired comment on equality and feminism and blah, blah, blah.

Ready?

(Quick aside: Nice performance by Kyle Drabek last night. Not showing off, not falling behind. He put forth a solid effort in his first major league start and showed tremendous poise for a rookie in his big league debut. Do I still wish we had Roy Halladay instead? Absolutely)

A kerfuffle over female reporters being allowed in male locker rooms has been a much-debated subject over the past couple of days. Ines Sainz, of TV Azteca, went into to the New York Jets locker room to interviewing their quarterback, Dirty Sanchez, who is of Mexican descent.

Now, Sainz is a bombshell (evidenced by her status as the BOD). Thus, she is exponentially better looking than 99% of reporters who ever venture into professional sports locker rooms. Obviously, the players on the Jets roster were impressed with the physical attributes of Miss Sainz.

This is where the story gets murky.

Allegedly, when she was in the locker room, Sainz was showered with demeaning comments and derisive catcalls, the nature of which is never made explicit. So, we don’t actually know what was said. Also, a Jets coach is accused of throwing balls (of the football variety) in Sainz’s direction on the practice field in order for his players to catch a closer glimpse of the Mexican goddess.

Now I can’t condone rude comments made directly to Sainz’s face. That’s just immature, loutish behaviour. However, if some of the comments and catcalls were overheard by other media members, and not within Sainz’s earshot, then they should never have been reported in the first place.

Let me speak for the male species. When we see hot chicks, we talk about them. Always have, always will. The hotter the woman, the more we’ll say. Sure, the comments could be considered demeaning or offensive but, newsflash, men are pigs. And we would never say these things so the woman could actually hear. That would ruin any chance we’d have at sleeping with her (Yes, this is how our minds work).

The fact the coach throwing balls in her direction is even an issue is the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life. That is literally the first game every boy learns to run when trying to attract the attention of pretty girls.

You’re playing tag at recess; run around where the girls are playing. Playing basketball; pick the basket closest to the girls. This is picking up chicks 101. I think it’s hilarious that millionaire football players have to resort to such sophomoric hijinx to get the attention of a female reporter.

Here’s a personal example: when Gretzpo and I have done our past Caribbean vacations and we’re playing long toss on the beach, we always throw in the direction of where the most babes are located. It’s just common sense.

Clinton Portis, of the Washington Redskins, got into hot water when he made some comments on the radio about this situation. He basically said, and I’m paraphrasing to make Portis sound more coherent, a woman who goes into a locker room with an opportunity to look at 53 naked men is going to sneak a peek or two. She’s probably going to be attracted to someone. There’s nothing wrong with that if it’s subtle, but it’s human nature. I’m sure she’s there to do her job, but she’s also going to be checking someone out. I would do the same.

Portis’ comments are being investigated by the NFL. Are you fucking kidding me? Who gives a shit? He’s speaking the truth.

Everyone is so damn sensitive about everything these days. We all need to lighten up and just enjoy life more.

Getting back to the column title, Jack Morris called this over twenty years ago. He was against female reporters in the locker room for this very reason. His quote when asked about the issue is still my favourite sports quote of all time (Yes, I know I’ve discussed this before):

“The only time I want to talk to a woman when I’m naked is if I’m on top of her or she’s on top of me.”

Eric Tillman Can Do No Wrong

(BOD - Cheryl Cole)

Today’s column topic comes courtesy of my cohort, CSzem. Apparently, his tears have dried over the Cowboys apathetic performance Sunday night and he has thrown himself back into news rushing across the sports landscape.

I’m not sure why he didn’t just write the column himself if he was so passionate about Eric Tillman miraculously acquiring another managerial job in the Canadian Football League. I can only assume that he realized his writing ability pales in comparison to mine and he wanted this discussion to be started by one of my extraordinarily written masterpieces.

I’m not terribly enthused about this topic because it forced me to do some cursory research on a league I don’t give two shits about. I’d rather watch the WNBA than a CFL game, but I digress.

Back in January, Eric Tillman was charged with the sexual assault of his 16 year old babysitter. I spent a few paragraphs giving my thoughts on the subject and then I put the issue to bed. Here’s what I said at the time:

Apparently, Tillman went up behind the girl, put his fingers through the belt loops on her hips and pulled her towards him. And then . . .

That’s it.

What? How is that sexual assault? Yes, what he did was creepy and wrong, but there is no way that should be considered sexual assault, which is a serious crime.

If grabbing a girl’s hips is sexual assault, then I have to go consult with an attorney after I’m done here. I might be in a little bit of trouble. Has anyone in the Saskatchewan judicial system ever been to a bar on a Saturday night?

Eric Tillman: guilty of being a creep, yes; guilty of sexual assault, not a chance.

I still stand by my previous comments. Yes, what Tillman did was categorically wrong and I’d want to beat the shit out of him if I was the girl’s father, but I hardly consider that a crime. And before some readers condemn me for being an incorrigible prick, the courts agreed with me. Tillman doesn’t have a criminal record and he was absolutely discharged from the crime.

That being said, I have no bloody clue why the Edmonton Eskimos would be willing to hire Tillman in such a public position. The negative publicity that will stem from this hire will be legendary in Western Canada. For some reason, most Canadians don’t think men in their 40s should grope young girls.

I know, I think it’s ridiculous too.

I’m sure that Tillman has a fantastic football mind, evidenced by his three Grey Cup Championships as a general manager, but why in holy hell would Edmonton put him as the face of the front office.

Bury him in the scouting department and let him run the team behind the scenes like a puppeteer pulling a marionette’s strings. Don’t let him be a visible entity of your team.

Apparently, the Eskimos are a terrible team which isn’t surprising considering they couldn’t pass a media 101 class. Why would anyone expect they could play football too?

I have an idea for Edmonton’s next genius move: maybe bring in OJ Simpson to be the offensive coordinator. It would probably take some heat off of the Tillman hiring.

Bachelor Pad Finale

(BOD - Edyta)

I can’t believe we’re here already. In just two, short hours, we will find out what fame-seeking whore who doesn’t deserve to win a game of bingo will be rewarded with a $250,000 cash prize for living in a mansion and having sex with a plethora of beautiful people.

I love America.

8:02 – “I’m really falling hard for Dave.” Really, Natalie? You’ve already admitted to fooling around with Jesse B and Kovacs at some point in the past. Are you falling hard for Dave or just serving the next customer in line like you’re a New York style delicatessen?

8:09 – Did Elizabeth just threaten Kovacs if he checks out their female dance instructor? What the hell is wrong with her? She is the poster child for needy, psycho, bitchy women.

8:11 – Finally Kovacs is showing some balls. That’s right, my man, you ogle that fine European ass.

8:12 – Hey, this Louis guy is dancing with my man! Hands off, dandy boy!

8:12 – I guarantee Kovacs has a raging erection during this scene and, honestly, who can blame him. That broad’s ass is unreal; like it was sculpted by Michelangelo himself.

8:14 – “Let’s just get to the point and get it over with.” That perfectly encapsulates my philosophy on sex.

8:15 – Newsflash, Elizabeth! You are nowhere near as hot as Edyta. That’s like comparing prime rib to a pile of dog shit.

8:21 – How much does Dave’s outfit cost and how I do get my hands on one?

8:22 – Kitptyn looks like a five year old ring bearer. Who dressed him?

8:24 – Dear God, I can’t believe Trista used to be considered ‘hot’ by reality TV terms. We’ve come a long way.

8:26 – Am I gay for watching this? Don’t answer that.

8:27 – I have no idea what I’m watching, but I’m pretty sure Kovacs and Elizabeth are terrible.

8:28 – Just got a text message from Cousin Tewks: “I think you and I dancing together would do better than Elizabeth and Kovacs.” Unfortunately, he’s not wrong.

8:33 – Are David and Natalie at a rave? I feel like I’m watching a Miami Sound Machine music video.

8:36 – Tenley is a fucking moron. I hate myself for being attracted to her.

8:45 – Haha, Dave just basically broke up with Natalie. “It’s too bad we live in different cities . . .” Yeah, I’m sure Dave is broken up about it. Now he just has thousands of women and one man who writes a blog vying for his affections. I’m sure he’ll be fine.

8:52 – What a great moment. Dave gets to stay and Elizabeth and her shitty hair have to go home. Plus, Kovacs is now a free man. Run, brother. Run!!

9:04 – Kovacs got rid of Elizabeth!! Atta boy!! Finally, he’s thinking clearly. Now, he’s out there swinging, bee-bopping and scatting all over the place.

9:09 – Why does Dave have a shirt on? This is bullshit.

9:17 – All of these broads ripping Dave apart are just jealous that he won’t sleep with them. Move on, ladies. Its ok, Dave, I have the same problem.

9:20 – The look on Craig’s face when Michelle said they allegedly hooked up was fantastic. Just pure, unadulterated arrogance. He, Dave, and I really need to go out drinking together.

9:27 – This is such a blatant ripoff of Survivor that I don’t even want to comment on this ‘final tribal council’ bullshit.

9:31 – Is Tenley really talking about her divorce again? And how she most likely got a mortgage for a house she couldn’t afford and then lost it? So, everyone should reward her financial stupidity? I hate her so much.

9:42 – The three man bro hug between Dave, Wes, and Kovacs was the most exciting moment of the season for me.

9:48 – This is a pretty cool little twist they have to divvy up the money. I’m legitimately excited to see what they pick.

9:54 – Nice fakeout by Natalie! She had me going there. Those are some pretty sweet acting chops, I must admit.

9:59 – They say love don’t come easy………….Go fuck yourself Wes.

What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.

Talkin' with Tewks Live: Potpourri

(BOD - Chelsea Handler)

We touched on a variety of topics in today's podcast:

- My Sunday plans and my reason for knowing much less than usual
- CSzem's endangerment of his son
- The Dallas Cowboys choke job
- US Open
- BMW Championship
- Kyle Drabek

Talkin' with Tewks Live - Potpourri

Enjoy.