Who is Tewks?
An immature man-child who enjoys "all you can eat" ribs and pink lemonade.
What to expect from this blog?
Sports, pop culture and veiled sexual references. Updated every Tuesday, Thursday, and most Fridays with posts deemed "mildly amusing" by literally tens of people.
(For some reason, blogger.com will no longer let me post my BOD from pics on the web. If anyone knows how to circumvent this, please let me know)
There was no way in hell I was going to let a Sylvester Stallone-powered vehicle be released in theatres without me being there, positively giddy with excitement, on opening weekend. Gretzpo and I, along with two of our friends, went to a Friday night showing hoping to see blood splatter in testosterone-fuelled mayhem and we were not disappointed.
Luckily, one of the guys we were with is an actual tough guy; he’s currently serving in the military and is the baddest dude I know. This came in handy after the movie as every person I saw was a prospective target for a knife to the throat courtesy of Tewks and I kept picturing myself going one on five versus a group of goons. Thus, if my heightened state of manliness actually got me into a donnybrook then at least I’d have my own personal heavy to back me up.
The greatness of an action movie is set by the tone of the first kill. Dolph Lundgren got the honours as the trigger-happy, loose cannon of the group, Gunner. One shot from his rifle managed to saw a pirate leader in half; his lower body remained stationary while his upper body smashed against the wall of an oil tanker. It was awesome.
The scene that everyone was excited for going in completely lived up to the hype. It was like a summit of manliness with Stallone, Bruce Willis, and the Governator himself all sharing the screen at the same time. I was legitimately concerned that the scant, few women in the audience would become pregnant by immaculate conception due to the testosterone pouring off the screen during that scene.
Stallone managed to get a great crack in at Arnie’s presidential aspirations, but I have to say that no one commands the screen quite like Arnold Schwarzenegger. The guy truly is larger than life. He only had a handful of lines during his lone scene, but his presence is what I remember most about that five minutes.
Willis probably unleashed the best line of the movie when he remarked, after listening to Arnie and Sly backhand compliment each other, “Are you guys finished sucking each other’s dicks?” Pure magic.
Jason Statham was fantastic as well and showed he can hang with the action heavyweights. I’ve never actually seen one of the movies before (Sorry, but Crank doesn’t do it for me. Although, I may try the premise of the movie on an unsuspecting lady one time: “Hey, if you don’t have sex with me right now in broad daylight, my heart is going to stop . . . . Where are you going?”), but he has a great mix of humour, charisma and toughness.
In the movie, his skanky girlfriend cheated on him with some douchebag. Then Statham goes to see her a few weeks later and her face is beat up at the hands of her new guy. Statham, ex-girlfriend in tow, calmly goes to find the idiot playing basketball with loser friends and kicks the living shit out of all of them. Unfortunately, he then departs with his ex on his motorcycle. I think he should have let her walk home from the basketball court.
My only problems with the movie were with the supporting cast. Mickey Rourke and Terry Crews were vastly underutilized; Rourke is one of the greatest actors I have ever seen and Crews provided excellent moments of levity during the movie.
(Aside: I don’t know if it was a conscious decision to let Crews’ character have the biggest gun on the team, but I found it hilarious that the lone black guy on the Expendables had the biggest gun. I hope Stallone did it on purpose)
Randy Couture and Steve Austin should have never made it past the screen test. Couture’s performance was excruciating to watch and I could almost see his eyes darting to cue cards off screen while he said his lines. Austin didn’t say much, which helped his performance, but the one time he upbraided Stallone made me feel like I was watching Stone Cold torment poor Shane McMahon in 1999.
Nevertheless, the film was fantastic entertainment and I hope the rumours of a sequel are true.
Verdict: 4.5 Mercenaries overthrowing a South American Dictator out of 5
After CSzem’s glowing review of the premiere episode of Bachelor Pad, and my own PVR viewing, I felt compelled to do my own recap. I mean this show has everything: good looking people living in a house together, where all they do is hook up, fight, and try to win money, all without the gay pretence of trying to find true love.
It truly might be the greatest show to have ever graced the medium. Plus, it seems like Craig M. and I are kindred spirits, so it would be a disservice to you, my dear readers, if I didn’t recap this trash each and every week.
8:04 – I love how Elizabeth thinks that by blackmailing Kovacs, she’ll force him into a relationship, and then he’ll subsequently fall in love with her. I also love Kovac’s reaction: “The smartest thing for me in this game is to be in a relationship.” He’s using her for the game and she’s too busy patting herself on the back to notice. This is going to end terribly for the malevolent cock tease.
8:10 – I don’t know who this Melissa the co-host is, but she’s a stone cold fox.
8:11 – Rocky Balboa wouldn’t like this challenge: “Hey guys, this ain’t no pie eating contest.”
8:12 – What’s the over/under on how many instances of sexual innuendo I can make from this challenge? 47?
8:13 – “I don’t have a gall bladder, so I can’t eat pie.” Are you shitting me? Is that even a real side effect?
8:13 – “It’s up your nose, in your hair, on your neck.” That’s what she said.
8:14 – Jessie’s breasts are really showing me something. They should win immunity.
8:15 – I am oddly turned on by this.
8:16 – “You have to swallow.” Nothing needs to be said here.
8:21 – “Get in there!!” Yes ma’am.
8:22 – Apparently, Craig’s hair is actually a “multi-purpose tool.” He’s a genius. I love the guy more and more. He may use the pie juice as a new hair product.
8:24 – I will bet fifty dollars that this is the first time the Weatherman has ever been facedown in “pie” before.
8:25 – “He’s good at eating pie.” The shit-eating grin on Dave’s face when he said that was fantastic.
8:31 – Entrusting the Weatherman to coerce chicks to follow the plan might be the worst idea in the history of the world.
8:34 – The great thing about the Weatherman having a tiny johnson is that the inevitable erection that springs forth from his touching a human female will be easily concealed.
8:37 – They have named a segment of the roommates the Outsiders? Is this WCW in 1997? Where are Kevin Nash and Scott Hall?
8:45 – The Weatherman has zero game. This is painful to watch.
8:47 – And Gwen agrees with the above assertion. Of course she does. The Weatherman has zero self-awareness.
8:52 – Craig M and the Weatherman joining forces are like Magneto and Professor Xavier shooting pool together on a Friday night. I’m not even sure why I understand that analogy.
9:01 – “Do you want me to do you first?” Absolutely. And then you can paint my hand. Hey-oooooo!!!!!
9:05 – I thought Elizabeth didn’t kiss guys until she was engaged or something? So, she’s a whore now because she has blond hair? I’m confused.
9:06 – Is she blowing Kovacs in the shower? I bet Jake is kicking himself now.
9:08 – Wes is so ridiculously smooth. The Weatherman should be taking notes. He just ran Gia’s show there.
9:14 – Oh my God, Gia is such a moron. She just completely blew the game. I hope her boyfriend breaks up with her.
9:16 – Jessie putting the moves on Dave in the hot tub. Wait, so she actually said she’s going to fool around with him to move forward in the game? And the point of the game is to win money. Thus, I’m fairly certain this constitutes prostitution.
9:22 – The male Jesse is a smart dude. He recognizes that Natalie is a skank and is now acting apprehensive around her. Oh, you’re upset, Natalie? Well maybe stop acting like a dirty tramp that bangs every guy who has ever been on one of these shows.
9:27 – Haha Tenley just indirectly called Elizabeth a whore. The look on Elizabeth’s face was priceless. Did she not notice the camera in the bathroom with her and Kovacs earlier?
9:33 – The most surprising thing about this episode for me is the fact Elizabeth correctly used the word ‘behoove’ in a sentence.
9:39 – I could really do without the scheming and manipulating of who is being voted off. I feel like I’m watching a magic show. It’s all misdirection created by the producers. Let’s cut these episodes down to ninety minutes.
9:47 – Is Melissa not allowed to speak at these rose ceremonies? Harrison really keeps her in her place.
9:49 – Kovacs can barely conceal his contempt for Elizabeth and she has no idea. That makes me smile.
9:50 – Jesus, the Canadian contingent got hammered on this episode.
9:51 – Let’s all have a moment of silence for Craig M’s hair and Jessie’s breasts.
9:53 – What? Jessie actually thinks she has a chance with Dave? Please believe me when I say that Canadian women are not all that stupid.
A wild finish to the PGA championship captured the majority of the discussion on this week's podcast. However, we also had time to touch on the following:
- Dustin Johnson and his ability to close the deal - the arcane rules of golf - Bubba Watson - CSzem's love for Martin Kaymer - Tiger Woods and Roger Federer: the end of an era - My homerun prowess - shafts, strokes, and holes - CSzem's running ability
What is it about baseball players named Rodriguez that gives them unparalleled baseball talent, but the personality of a rock, the intelligence of a ruh-tard, and the social decorum of a malevolent douchebag?
Surprisingly, this column is not about Alex Rodriguez and his, if you really think about it, amazing prowess with Hollywood starlets (oh, he makes tens of millions of dollars a year? That’s why they hop into bed with him? Ok, that’s not bad). Instead, this is a weird story that has come out of the ugly stepsister of New York baseball teams, the Mets, and involves their stud closer, Francisco Rodriguez.
Apparently, after a Mets game last week, Rodriguez’s and other players’ families were relaxing in a designated lounge at Citi Field. At some point, Rodriguez entered the room and began arguing with his fifty-three year old father-in-law. Then the pair went outside into the hallway to continue their discussion. At that point, Rodriguez allegedly pinned his father-in-law against the wall and punched him multiple times in the face and head.
Then Rodriguez took off, only to be coaxed back fifteen minutes later, when he was charged with third degree assault and second degree harassment. Rodriguez has been ordered to stay away from his father-in-law, and his wife, as there are documented instances of previous violence at home.
What kind of twenty-something coward beats up a man who is almost twice his age? Unfortunately, K-Rod has a history of trying to bully and threaten those well outside of his level of athleticism. During his time with the Mets, Rodriguez has had previous altercations with a coach and team official, both middle-aged men long past their physical primes.
Someone should give Rodriguez the memo that his life is not professional boxing and he cannot just choose aging tomato cans to fight in hopes of bettering his record and gaining a title shot.
Last year, K-Rod got into a war of words through with media with Brian Bruney, the Yankees burly relief pitcher. Their feud came to a head during batting practice last summer when they began jawing at each other from across the field. Did Rodriguez run over and try to fight the well over six feet, two hundred pound Bruney? Of course not. He waited until teammates intervened and then went crazy trying to get to Bruney, only to be ‘held back’ by his teammates.
Francisco Rodriguez is the epitome of gutless. And he has just earned himself a spot in Talkin’ with Tewks Hall of Pussies, joining the likes of Chris Bosh and Patrick Kane. Am I worried that Rodriguez will come after me because of my harsh words?
Absolutely not. I am, after all, in my twenties in excellent physical condition. I’m not a woman or an old guy. I have nothing to worry about.
Enjoy the weekend as Tiger hopefully gets his act together in his bid for Glory’s Last Shot.
There has been a multitude of media members the past two weeks getting a lot of traction out of an interesting story from the Washington Redskins training camp, so I figured I might as well join the fray and mail in an easy column.
Albert Haynesworth, Redskins tackle and he of a massive $100 million contract, apparently decided to forgo the voluntary offseason workouts created by new Washington coach, Mike Shanahan. Shanahan, not impressed by Haynesworth’s perceived lack of effort and commitment to the team, decreed that his star tackle would have to pass a conditioning test before joining the rest of his teammates in full practices at training camp.
Now, NFL tackles are big boys. If you weigh 300lbs on the button at that position, your teammates would take one look at you and think you’re malnourished. So, truthfully, throwing around words like ‘physical conditioning’ and ‘in shape’ with these behemoths is all relative.
Fat Albert failed the test twice. Then he tried it again and said his left knee was sore. Haynesworth waited a week, while the national media feasted upon this story, until he finally managed to pass the test a few days ago and join the rest of training camp.
I’m not exactly sure what was gained by Shanahan in forcing Haynesworth to sit out until he passed the test. I understand that Shanahan was trying to exert his authority and show that no one player is above the team when it comes to preparing for the upcoming season, but Haynesworth didn’t learn anything.
He wasn’t fined or docked pay. The only ‘punishment’ he received was being banned from practice for one week. Really? That’s a punishment? Not being forced to wear bulky equipment and working your ass off for four hours a day in searing, heat-stroke inducing heat in August is a bad thing? Sounds like a vacation to me.
What was this conditioning test that Haynesworth failed, you ask? It was two 300 yard shuttle runs: run 50 yards, stop and return to the start line. You do that three times, get your time, rest for three and a half minutes and then run it again. To pass, Fat Albert had to run the first shuttle in under 70 seconds and the second in under 73 seconds.
I brag constantly in this space about my supposed superior physical fitness, so I figured I would put my money where my well-defined musculature is. I completed the two shuttle runs to see if I was fit enough to partake in the Washington Redskin’s training camp.
My times: 56 seconds in the first shuttle and 59 seconds in the second. Passed with flying colours.
Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, can send email me my $100 million contract whenever he has a few minutes of spare time.
Stephen Strasburg, the most-hyped pitching prospect since God, had his first start last night since coming off the disabled list with what was diagnosed as shoulder inflammation. Young Stephen had the worst outing of his short career against the Florida Marlins, giving up six earned runs, on six hits and two walks, in just over four innings.
Now, I’m sure there will be a plethora of knee-jerk reactions to Strasburg’s rocky outing, but, in the great scheme of things, it’s insignificant. Every pitcher struggles from time to time, especially young ones. And yes, even young pitchers with stuff as filthy as Stephen Strasburg will experience the growing pains of being a major league starter.
I’m more intrigued about the reasoning Strasburg went on the DL in the first place. I’m not exactly sure what shoulder inflammation is, or what it feels like, but I’m assuming that it’s different from ‘dead arm’. Dead arm is an odd phenomenon where your arm doesn’t hurt, but your pitches have zero ‘pop’ or velocity to them. There’s no way to predict when dead arm will strike, or how long it will last for you, but it usually goes away after a week or so.
I was talking about Strasburg with a couple of my baseball friends and we all agreed that, due to the financial commitment the Washington Nationals have given to the fireballer, it was essential that they place the kid on the DL. Better safe than sorry.
However, it also led us to question the severity of the ‘injury’. And this isn’t a condemnation of Strasburg’s testicular fortitude; rather it is a commentary on how professional baseball coddles arms to such an unfathomable degree.
I literally cannot remember the last time I pitched and my arm felt one hundred percent. I’m not saying my arm hurts, but I consistently have little tweaks and twinges in my treasured appendage (no, not that one) throughout the season. However, I have never had a serious arm injury (knock on wood) and throwing with slight aches and pain has never adversely affected my performance.
Professional baseball makes it seem like they shut pitchers down every time they feel the slightest discomfort. If that were truly the case then I would have thrown maybe five innings all season.
Pitchers get enough of a bad rap for being pussies and being soft. It’s time for the entire profession to man up. Surely these guys, the cream of the crop of their profession, can differentiate between an injured arm and one that just feels the residual wear and tear of throwing objects overhand at high velocity.
Addendum: I just read this morning that Brandon Morrow’s next start will be pushed back two days because he threw 137 pitches in his magnificent start on Sunday afternoon. So much for that man up part.
Admittedly, I wasn’t sold on Bachelor Pad being a viable choice to recap each week. However, being a minor celebrity, I have access to certain benefits other bloggers do not. For example, I have my own intern, CSzem. Actually, that’s not true. He’s less of an intern and more my very own ‘Stat Boy’ from Pardon the Interruption. What did we mess up on, CSzem!
Thus, I enlisted him to recap the premiere episode of Bachelor Pad and I will trust CSzem's very educated reality show judgement on whether or not this show deserves the Tewks touch week after week:
Always exciting to be back pinch-blogging here for Tewks. Let me guess what we just read in the pre-amble: “Blah blah blah, strikeout. Blah blah blah, I lead the Ontario C Level-Division 3 Men’s League in blah blah blah.”
Sorry, was that harsh? I’m ornery because of this growing feud with “Anonymous” and “AG”. I’m going to take the high road here. Sorry AG that you think our nicknames are “childish”. It must suck that you don’t have any friends who call you anything other than “Allan”. I probably would be a dick if that was my life too.
OK, on to the show!!
- I feel like I should be watching this in one of those Hazmat suits to avoid getting an STD through my TV.
- Elizabeth’s not going to have to worry about playing hard to get now that she’s a blonde. She looks like hell. Thanks to Mrs. CSzem for the first contribution from the peanut gallery.
- “Will Michelle lose her mind.....again??” Great stuff from Chris Harrison. He’s clearly not taking this spin-off lightly. He’s a real pro.
- Tenley’s really changed. Or she’s the exact same and I need to turn the volume down.
- “This girl’s bangin’” Is that an actual description? I feel so out of touch.
- Why do all these people know each other? I felt like this was built up as the first major reunion, but it sounds like they all take trips together and have hooked up repeatedly. So what’s the point of this show? Feels a little contrived now. What? All of these shows are totally and completely contrived? Oh.
- According to the Weatherman, Craig M. is an out-of-shape alcoholic. Now I know we could be friends.
- “I just see us as friends.” I’m sure she feels the same way, Jesse. Don’t most girls think that way after you hook up with them a few times?
- Pretty sure you’ve got a shot with Gia, Weatherman. Go get ‘em Champ.
- So wait, this is basically The Bachelor crossed with Survivor? It’s like ABC only wants Tewks to have to write about trashy reality TV once.
- Tenley’s the early favourite for this Twister competition. I’ve heard stories about this kid. She’s limber. Too limber.
- Big Twister win for Craig M. Not really sure how he pulled that off, but from the brink of elimination, he’s got himself into a good spot. Originally, I didn’t think he had much of a chance in this game. Now.....the others better watch out.....because he’s dangerous!
- Craig M., applying his cologne: “Now for the ladykiller.” I honestly feel like I’m watching Tewks on TV right now.
- Little All-Canadian alliance brewing with Craig M. and Jessie. She has already talked more on this show than she talked on her entire season.
- Somehow Craig M. has won over Mrs. CSzem. Big time performance from him tonight.
- I hope there’s no chicken wire in the house, because I’m pretty sure Michelle might strangle Tenley in her sleep. I’m not ready to say that this is legitimately dramatic.....but Michelle is legitimately psychotic, so there’s an argument to be made.
- Great strategizing happening here from just about everyone. This really is reminding me of Survivor more and more. I wish Rupert was here. Although the ladies are probably OK with his exclusion.
- I would have loved to have been there for the production meeting when ABC was explaining this show to Chris Harrison. I guarantee more than a few expletives where dropped. There have to be a boatload of 0’s on the end of that cheque.
- Peyton? I have no clue who that is. Survivor-strategy in full effect!
- Nice call by the guys getting rid of the psychopath. That seems like a solid play. I would not want to be the camera guy who has to ride in this limo with her right now.
The original plan for today's podcast was to take an all encompassing look at the baseball season thus far. However, after the weekend the Toronto Blue Jays just had, CSzem and I weren't able to get past Canada's team.
We mostly fawned over JP Arencibia and the Jays phenomenal pitching staff. Although, we still had time to discuss the following:
- David Duchovny and his stint on Red Shoe Diaries - ARod's manliness or lack thereof - Getting a date with female celebrities and taking a fastball in the chops - The Anonymous posters
I was fully prepared to spend the Friday columns discussing the trashy greatness that is Jersey Shore Season 2. But after a lacklustre premiere episode, I wasn’t convinced the show had enough substance to recapture the lightning in a bottle magic of last season.
However, I did learn something very important from one of the greatest seers of our time, The Situation. Last night he taught me about the ‘shirt before a shirt.’ Apparently, before going to the club to hit on ugly girls all night, one must wear a wifebeater tank top as the shirt before the shirt. Then, approximately ten minutes before going to the bar, you put on your club-worthy shirt. The shirt before the shirt ensures that your ‘good’ shirt stays ‘fresh’ as long as possible.
And now you know.
Ozzie Guillen is at it again. A few times a season, you can count on the mercurial Chicago White Sox manager to fly off the handle about some issue, while giving his very specific and very controversial opinions on how to ‘fix’ it.
Normally, people don’t take too much heed in what Ozzie says and it’s dismissed pretty much as soon as he opens his mouth. I think he’s not taken seriously because of his charming mix of English and Spanish when speaking (he usually gets so fired up that Spanish starts leaking in to his sentences), his reputation as a ‘speak first, think later’ type person, and his accent. Guillen’s heavy accent makes him sound like the multicultural sidekick in a bad buddy cop movie (cough, The Other Guys, cough).
Interestingly, no one has ignored Ozzie’s latest comments or dismissed them as ludicrous. To paraphrase, Guillen said that it’s unfair that Latin American players are forced to get by without interpreters while Japanese imports receive such help all the time.
His point is salient, but the fix isn’t to provide Latin American players with interpreters as well. The focus should be on teaching players English with regular language classes. To provide these players with interpreters would allow them to just continue speaking Spanish and not learning the language of majority of MLB.
More often that not, Latin players are left to fend for themselves in the minor leagues, far away from home, with no grasp of the language of most of their teammates. They should be given the opportunity to learn the language of their teammates, to socialize with them, and become a part of the family.
However, I do think Asian players should be given interpreters. Why? Because when an Asian import comes to North America, there is a 99% chance he will be the only person on the roster who can speak his language. There are a few Spanish speakers on every major and minor league club, so new Latin imports will still have someone to talk to.
To sum up: Latin interpreters, no, Asian interpreters, yes, English classes for all, a resounding yes.
Admittedly, I look like a genius by forgoing the Alex Rodriguez discussion yesterday and weighing in on his inevitable 600th home run and the media reaction today. For those of you who are unaware, ARod hit his 600th versus Shaun Marcum and the Toronto Blue Jays yesterday afternoon. I was even lucky enough to witness the feat live because I wanted to see how it was handled by the fans and broadcasters.
(Quick aside: after yesterday’s column about Brett Favre and his apparent text messages to teammates telling them of his impending retirement, the King of the Waffle has apparently changed his mind already. He says he never sent any text messages and will probably play if healthy. What an idiot.)
The Yankee Stadium crowd obviously went bonkers immediately after Rodriguez hit his dinger. They serenaded him with resounding cheers and demanded a curtain call from their third baseman. And that’s it. The game wasn’t stopped for an in game presentation; no messages were delivered from any current 600 homer men welcoming ARod to the club.
Congratulations, ARod. I will never remember where I was the day you hit 600 (I would love to take credit for that clever line, but if I do, the person who sent it to me will undergo a breakdown because they are emotionally needy and need to be constantly recognized and encouraged).
Even the fans, while they cheered the team on the front of his jersey, seemed detached from the historical significance of the moment. Just imagine if Derek Jeter had hit his 600th home run. The game probably would have been cancelled and Jeets would have been named the Mayor of New York.
And there lies the problem with ARod. He just isn’t likeable. People respect his talents, but he never has nor will he ever be beloved. I believe that’s the main reason why fans, outside of New York, weren’t getting fired up for this historic moment.
I believe there are two reasons why the media seems subdued around this feat. Of course, steroids are the primary reason. The numbers just don’t seem as impressive when you realize most of the great home run talents of the past generation were on enough chemicals to bring down a rhino.
Baseball is a game about numbers and performance-enhancing drugs have cheapened those numbers, so it’s difficult to place these feats into the proper historical context. I’m sure time will eventually look back at this era favourably (every era has a certain stain on it), but, for right now, people aren’t sure how to handle these accomplishments.
Another reason for the lack of interest, that hasn’t gotten much play in the media, is the fatigue principle. The greater the frequency of an event, the less it’s going to make a memorable dent in the media landscape.
There have been only seven men to ever hit 600 homers and four of them have done it in the past decade (Jim Thome seems a lock to be the fifth). What used to be an unbelievable feat seems almost commonplace after the dust of the steroid era has settled.
The same thing has happened to no-hitters this year. They used to be somewhat rare, stars-aligning games and would be celebrated as such. However, no-nos are being thrown so often this year, that I don’t think anyone bat an eyelash when Matt Garza threw his.
In a parallel universe, one where the romanticized notion of sports exists, where sports are the glue that bond fathers and sons, old and young, the (apparent) decision of Brett Favre to retire from the National Football league and Alex Rodriguez’s quest for 600 home runs would captivate the national consciousness. It would cause aging sportswriters to wax poetic for thousands of words, exhausting their thesauruses finding new superlatives for greatness.
Instead, both Favre’s supposed retirement and ARod’s eventual 600th home run are mere blips on our radar screens.
I’m not going to sit here and decry the lack of interest in either story, in fact, I couldn’t care less about either one. My dislike for Favre is well-documented and I’m completely ambivalent towards Rodriguez’s 600th home run.
The real question is why people are disinterested in these stories. Brett Favre used to be the golden boy, the media darling of North America. All we ever heard about Favre was that he played ‘like a kid out of there’, he’d ‘play for free’, and that he’s ‘a gunslinger.’ Plus, he was developing one of the greatest quarterback resumes the sport has ever seen.
Currently, Favre is first all-time in completions, yards, consecutive games started, and touchdown passes. In every measure of quarterback greatness, Favre is at the top of the list (He is also number one in interceptions thrown, which is due to his propensity to stubbornly throw balls into triple coverage under the guise of being a gunslinger, but I digress).
If on-field success was the only component to the Favre saga, then men would be crying in the streets with the announcement of his retirement. Streets and babies would be named after the guy and I’m confident the NFL commissioner Roger Goodell would probably make a motion to just rename the Hall of Fame to Brett Favre’s House.
None of this is happening because Favre completely shattered all of this goodwill and admiration with his wishy-washy ‘retirements’ over the past few years and leaving entire franchises unsure of the most important position on their team well into the first weeks of training camp.
He has said, with unequivocal certainty, that he is one hundred percent retired from the game of football on three previous occasions and has returned to the game weeks later. Yesterday’s announcement was number four. Rumours have it that Favre’s ankle is too busted up to play; what happens when the ankle is healed?
Brett, you can still play the game. You had one of the best seasons of your career last year. I know you hate training camp, so just say you’ll be there when you’re healthy. Enough with the waffling; you sound like a woman.
You’re a joke, a punchline. Everyone is laughing at your latest proclamation: ‘Oh, there goes Brett again.” Unfortunately, this is what you’re going to be remembered for first, not your on-field greatness.
If you’re done, be done. Otherwise suit up and get to 500 touchdown passes.
Tune in tomorrow for my thoughts on ARod’s search for six hundred.
And we’re back from a terrific long weekend. Baseball left me with mixed emotions, as did the tennis, but all of that is covered in the short podcast CSzem and I recorded on Saturday morning. You can listen to it here: Talkin' with Tewks Live: Tennis Grudge Match.
More importantly, it is the finale of Ali’s season of The Bachelorette. We’ve come a long way and Ali is going to pick a seemingly decent guy at the end. Hopefully this episode doesn’t disappoint like last week. I am joined this week by Rambo, so let’s get to the recap:
8:08 – I have wasted countless minutes of my time watching this show rehash the same footage over and over again. Why do the producers think ardent fans like me (and millions of women and gay men) want to watch the same crap we’ve seen all season? Just give us some new stuff and cut the finale down to an hour.
8:14 – Seeing Ali and her exquisite beauty in Bora Bora makes me horny horny.
8:16 – This is Ali’s biological family? Seriously? She certainly hit the Powerball numbers in that genetic lottery.
8:17 – Why are the ugly sister and brother pulling Roberto away for a chat? Who gives a shit what those wieners think?
8:19 – Ali’s mom is completely smitten with the Latin Lothario. Truthfully, who wouldn’t be? This might be the easiest ‘meet the family’ ever. I’m considering having him to my house to meet the family Tewks.
8:26 – I like how the producers tried to make it seem like Ali’s dad was going to play the bad cop when Roberto asked his permission to propose. Like the guy was going to say no. He probably would have offered some sort of dowry to sweeten the deal for Roberto.
8:32 – Is Chris actually bringing a basket of unwashed fruit as a gift for her family?
8:35 – “I’m a teacher also.” No one cares Ali’s ugly sister. She must absolutely hate Ali. How could you try to compete with that your whole life?
8:36 – Jesus, Ali’s mom needs to refine her bedside manner. So, tell us about your dead mom, Chris. Is that really any of her business?
8:45 – Sister Tewks believes there is an incestuous relationship between Ali’s sister and brother. I’m inclined to agree.
8:47 – What the hell is Chris talking about? The question was: do you love my daughter. How does that turn into a five minute soliloquy? It’s yes or no.
8:49 – I love how Ali is in a bikini and the two mutants are covered up. They must have zero self confidence being around that hotness all of their lives.
8:52 – “Her butt’s dirty” – Rambo. Glad you could be here.
8:57 – The show should really have a disclaimer if they’re going to have an HD close-up of Ali’s brother’s face.
8:58 – Someone shut the sister up.
9:05 – “Oh my God, he’s touching me, he’s touching me” – Ali with a look of disgust. That’s what happens to me every time I go to a bar.
9:09 – “This is completely unrealistic. These dates are too perfect. I bet they don’t even film when Ali’s on her period.” – Rambo
9:14 – “Speak English, girlie. Proper.” – Rambo admonishing Ali on her speaking skills. Ok then.
9:16 – I’m calling bullshit. There’s no way Roberto made that gay picture frame or wrote that speech. I’ll bet a production assistant did it.
9:20 – Wait, is she having sex with Roberto again? Is that even allowed? Chris has a negative chance of winning this thing. Poor guy.
9:23 – So is Ali going to do a walk of shame from Roberto’s room to go see Chris for their date?
9:25 – Holy shit, is she going to break up with Chris right now?
9:26 – Chris knows he’s done. The dude’s heart is breaking.
9:27 – Jesus, this is actually tough to watch.
9:30 – Both of them handled this very well. If I was her, I would have just sent him a text. If I was him, I would have thrown her off the balcony.
9:31 – Wait, I take that back. “Can I have a hug?” No, Ali, you can’t have a hug and don’t tell me to ‘hang in there’. You can go fuck yourself instead.
9:33 – “That’s a fake rainbow” – Rambo. Wow, you are heartless.
9:34 – Chris is just crushing this exit interview. It’s like his Bachelor audition tape. Well played, my man.
9:43 – This is pretty anticlimactic.
9:44 – Oh, we were so close to some Ali full frontal nudity. That would have been the highlight of my summer.
9:47 – That Step Up 3D movie looks like the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Although, it has given me a great answer the next time someone says, “Tell me about yourself?” My response: “Everything you need to know about me is in my dancing.”
9:52 – Christ, Roberto looks like he’s going to melt. Someone get the guy a towel.
9:55 – Elton John with Can you Feel the Love Tonight. Now this is a song. Much better than that On the Wings of Love crap from last season.
Now it’s time for the After the Final Rose special. What did you think of the finale? Post thoughts to comments.
In an odd programming decision, both Canadian major sports networks, TSN and Sportsnet, have decided to run sports movies on various nights throughout the latter half of the summer to fill the inevitable dead air that crops up during the dog days of August.
I’m not sure if it’s the best direction for either network to take but, as a huge fan of sports movie, I’m not going to complain.
On Tuesday night, TSN showed possibly the greatest baseball comedy in cinematic history: Bull Durham. It’s been a few years since I’ve seen the movie in its entirety, but I can still recite chunks of dialogue from memory. I was also curious to see how TSN would deal with the sexual content and rampant cursing.
Boy, was I ever disappointed. Every somewhat offensive word was bleeped out and the sex scenes were cut down to a laughable degree.
Now, I understand that regulations forbid TSN from showing the movie in all its uncensored glory, but why would they decide to broadcast the film in the first place. If questionable behaviour and bad language is integral to the movie’s theme, why bother neutering it? Show a cleaner movie instead.
This happens all the time and it drives me crazy. Usually Canadian stations are pretty liberal when it comes to allowing ‘mature’ content, but the US channels get batshit crazy editing movies for television. For example, Peachtree TV always shows movies like American Pie and other films of that ilk. What’s the point? By the time they’re finished cutting and pasting, the movie’s run time is down to 25 minutes.
The most ridiculous scene on Tuesday was when Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) gets run out of the game for arguing a blown call by the umpire. TSN didn’t even bother to bleep the offending words; instead, it was forty seconds of complete silence. Sure, the language is a little rough, but it perfectly encapsulates the game of baseball and that situation and viewers were denied witnessing that pleasure.
Fear not, dear readers, for here is the scene in question in all of its wonderful glory:
This is the last column until Tuesday. I have the provincial baseball championships this weekend, plus my tennis showdown with CSzem, and it’s a long weekend. On Tuesday, I’ll have a short podcast discussing the match, the baseball, and, of course, my final Bachelorette recap of the season.
Matt Garza, of the Tampa Bay Rays, became the fifth pitcher of the 2010 season to throw a no hitter (truthfully, it should be six as Armando Gallarraga was robbed of perfection by Jim Joyce). Only the 1991 season had more pitchers weave no-nos when seven players turned the trick. It almost seems like no-hitters have become commonplace (Hell, even I threw one this year).
A lot of pundits are asking why the feat has been so prevalent this year. Here are the main reasons currently being argued (I’ll save my own hypothesis till the end, primarily because it’s the correct one):
Hitters aren’t juiced anymore
I don’t really buy this argument because, for some reason, everyone thinks that hitters were the only players to use performance-enhancing drugs. If you believe that, then I have a few jars of snake oil that I’d like to sell you.
The hitters were juicing, the pitchers were juicing, even the ball boys were probably juicing. The playing field was level then and the playing field is level now.
Young pitchers are way more talented
Yes, it does seem like every young pitcher entering the majors over the last three years can throw 95 miles an hour with relative ease. And, not only are these guys throwing such ridiculous gas, but they have movement on their heaters as well. It’s almost unfair to be able to cut or sink a fastball that threatens the sound barrier.
Couple those heat-seeking fastballs with ungodly breaking stuff and today’s hitters are facing a Herculean task every time they step up to the plate.
So that must be the reason, right? Wrong. The best indicator of pitcher dominance is strikeouts. There hasn’t been a pitcher with 300 strikeouts in a season (not named Randy Johnson or Curt Schilling) since the late 1990s. Furthermore, no other pitcher has come close (other than Pedro).
Yes, pitchers are probably more talented these days, but so are the hitters. Which leads me to:
Defences are amazing
If pitching and hitting cancel each other out, then the only explanation for influx in no hitters is better defences. Fielders are more athletic and more talented then ever before. They are getting to balls and making plays that used to be considered amazing and are now deemed to be routine.
Watch any highlights on Sportscentre: there will be 8-10 great plays made each and every night.
Plus, there has been a shift in baseball thinking towards defensive play due to new statistical models that place a premium on defence to win games. Yes, they are the bailiwick of nerds and shut-ins, but the powers that be have decided to listen to these guys and their message, which is: defence equals victories.
With fielders making outs on balls that used to be hits, they are given their pitchers a chance to throw a 0 under the H column every time they step on the bump.
I had a hard time reconciling watching this episode. With The Bachelor, I can maintain a semblance of masculinity by saying I watch to check out the 25 babes vying for one man’s affections. With The Bachelorette, if the titular contestant is smoking hot (e.g. Ali) I can say I’m checking her out as she wades through the dudes. However, in the Men Tell All episode, there are no women in sight for the entire two hours; just guys talking about their feelings.
Nevertheless, Cousin Tewks and I have decided to power through and watch anyway; masculinity be damned.
8:01 – Oh, Ali actually shows up to this gossip session? Now, I can watch it with full immunity.
8:02 – Another clip show? You have to be kidding me. Just cut this baby down to ninety minutes and spare us the replays.
8:04 – Ok, I take that back. The footage of Kasey singing just brought a huge smile to my face.
8:07 – Ali has got some crazy eyes going on when she talks about Frank. I think she legitimately would have picked him had he stayed. And that brings her attractiveness down a few notches on my books.
8:09 – “How do we get tickets to that taping?” – Cousin Tewks. My thoughts exactly.
8:25 – Wow, The Phantom really came to play tonight. Bring Chris N. back next year.
8:26 – That beach shot of Ali captivated our attention to an unknown degree. A tribe of wildebeests could have run through the living room and we wouldn’t have batted an eyelash.
8:29 – Did Harrison just say the testosterone was flowing the first night? He has met these guys before, right?
8:31 – The Weatherman is such a little bitch.
8:32 – Nice move by Harrison with the chirp on Kasey. The guy’s a pro.
8:33 – What’s the over/under on how many women in the audience these guys are going to sleep with after this show wraps? Five? Ten?
8:41 – Is anyone else bored watching this? The recap seems worse than usual.
8:48 – Why are they clapping for Kasey? How can these women be attracted to such ridiculous actions and behaviour?
8:52 – What did Kasey want to do? Guard and protect her what? I didn’t quite catch that.
8:53 – Kasey is literally a moron. I think he’s crazy; he’s officially lost it. He doesn’t realize everyone is laughing at him.
9:02 – I have no idea what the hell Kirk is talking about. This is a terrible episode. This must be what watching The View is like.
9:03 – The broads in the audience are just eating this crap up. Kirk can have an orgy with the entire front row if he wants to.
9:11 – This is stupid to have the Justin bashing session when the guy isn’t even there to defend himself. The looks of disgust on the women in the audience make me laugh.
9:13 - Did Craig R really need to make that soliloquy that he abhors Justin’s behaviour? Don’t worry, Shrek, I’m sure you’ll have the pick of the desperate skanks in the audience.
9:20 – Justin didn’t allow his girlfriend to have a Facebook account? Nothing wrong with that.
9:21 – This is such a convoluted tale by this fame-seeking skank from Oakville. BORRRIIIIINNNGGGG. I don’t buy it.
9:24 – I hate everyone associated with this Men Tell All special. They’re all idiots.
9:29 – Ali, please save me from this lacklustre episode.
9:30 – What kind of moron would cheat on Ali? That’s like turning your back on Jesus.
9:33 – Stop saying that Kasey was stranded on that glacier. I’m fairly certain he didn’t walk back to the States from Iceland.
9:36 – Ok the blooper reel may have redeemed spending the last ninety minutes of my life watching this fiasco. That was funny stuff.
9:45 – Sneak peek of The Bachelor Pad? Don’t mind if I do.
9:53 – I can say the following with unequivocal certainty: The Bachelor Pad looks fantastic.
In the comments section of last week's podcast, it was requested that I change the intro music. I was floored by such an egregious statement. Abosolutely, I will not change the music. That music is part of this blog. And a part of Tewks.
I'm the best around. Nothing's ever gonna keep me down.
And to the author of said comment, I only have this to say: Et tu, Mrs. CSzem?
Today's podcast recaps CSzem and Gretzpo's epic tennis match and we also give a preview of CSzem and I's showdown this upcoming weekend. We then launch into a discussion of the Baseball Hall of Fame and give our picks of players who deserve induction.
Yes, regular readers of the blog, this is my third consecutive post about the great game of baseball. I am forced to listen to this country fawn all over hockey for eight months a year, so I think I deserve to talk ball whenever I want.
I watched the New York Yankees play the Kansas City Royals last night (kudos to Sportsnet to broadcasting different MLB games pretty much every night. It’s the next best thing to actually paying for an Extra Innings package).
New York first baseman, Mark Teixera, came to the plate in the early innings and I saw an interesting graphic about the switch hitter. He’s only hitting .260 at this point in the season, but .500 in his past seven games and over .380 for the month of July. That led the announcers to happily discuss that ‘Tex’ is heating up and what it means for the Yankees offence for the rest of the year.
Also, they talked about how Teixera always seems to struggle early in the season, but heats up along with the weather. They called him a ‘notoriously slow starter.’ For some insane reason, no one has a problem with this.
Well I do.
In what other profession are you allowed to start your day/week with very low levels of productivity with the caveat that you will ‘eventually come around’ and start producing to your potential?
This reputation has followed Teixera throughout his entire career. He plays terribly in April and May, but is terrific for the rest of the season. If I’m an owner, why would I want to pay a guy millions of dollars a year for great performances in only 75% of the games? Shouldn’t he only get 75% of his salary?
That would be like an office worker going into his job on Monday, sitting on his ass doing nothing until Wednesday morning and then start working all the way till end of day Friday. Would that worker be employed very long? Doubtful.
The excuses given for Teixera are that he needs time to ‘find his swing.’ Isn’t that the point of spring training? Or maybe start working out in January so you have the ability to play five innings without being winded in early March.
A few years ago, Vernon Wells had an uncharacteristically hot start and it was all apparently due to his commitment to his offseason training and he was applauded for that. Seriously? A professional athlete who works out in the offseason deserves our praise? I would think that should be expected; it’s not like these guys have winter jobs to help make ends meet. What else do they have to do?
Rasheed Wallace took the whole ‘playing into shape’ idea to a new level with the Boston Celtics this season. He was fat and terrible until the playoffs started. He literally took the entire regular season to get himself up to par. Sheed managed to have both a slow start and a slow finish.
He kept telling the media that he would ready to go once the playoffs rolled around? That would be commendable if he wasn’t making millions of dollars turning the regular season into an extended training camp.
I rarely enjoy being told what to do, but last night was a slow news day in the sports world and I couldn’t think of anything else to write. In yesterday’s comments section, AG proposed the following column idea:
For a change of pace say I had an in with the Rogers family and could put forward suggestions on possible changes to the organization what would you want me to say? Assume you were given carte blanche to do what you wanted what would you do?
Let’s hear at least 8 specific actions you would take to turn the team around and I mean specific.
It’s an intriguing idea and it allowed me a few moments of wishful thinking that I, in fact, wield clout over a multi-billion dollar operation, but, to me, the issue of the Jays being terrible cannot be amended by “8 specific actions” to turn the team around.
I have no problem with the Jays not being a good team this year. Truthfully, I thought they were going to be a lot worse and I even said so during our MLB preview podcast. It’s the nature of the game; there are ebbs and flows year in and year out. Some teams have to be at the top of the standings, some teams have to be at the bottom, and some have to be in the middle.
This is a rebuilding process and I think the current Jays management staff has done an excellent job stockpiling for the future and instituting a top notch farm system and scouting staff.
Where is the problem?
The simple fact that the exact same sentence could have been written nine years ago about JP Ricciardi’s regime. A rebuilding process is a necessary part of pro sports for teams that don’t have the capability to write blank cheques. However, Toronto is currently on year 15 of this rebuilding process and its complete bullshit.
In 1992 and 1993, the Blue Jays had the highest payroll in the league. I’m not saying they need to go there again, but it would be nice to throw a $100 million dollar team on the field without the powers that be crying poor.
The inability of the Jays to sign and keep legitimate superstars would be the first specific action I would like to see rectified. I’ve thought of more, but they all can be traced to one, overarching specific action that this franchise needs: a singular owner who loves baseball.
This is especially relevant considering George Steinbrenner recently passed away. Teams cannot be successful when they are run by a corporation whose bottom line is make money. You cannot create a championship team with that philosophy (case in point: The Maple Leafs and the teacher’s pension fund).
To win a title, you need a leader whose hobby is owning the team. He buys the franchise for the cache, and the notoriety, and the chance to bring a title to the city so he can become a legend. Such owners aren’t concerned about the bottom line; they just want to win.
As soon as you start running the team like a business, you have relinquished a competitive advantage because then you’re concerned with how much things costs instead of producing W’s on the scoreboard. An owner should not even buy a team unless they are so financially sound that taking a bath on the team’s end of year financials will not adversely affect their overall bottom line.
Owners should be in the business of winning, not making a buck with their sports team. I suppose you could make the argument that the Jays had such a singular owner in Ted Rogers, but the guy didn’t even like baseball (he’s like Adam Dunn).
Why would he sink money into a product that has no guaranteed rate of return and that he doesn’t truly care about?
In sum, what do the Jays need: a Canadian George Steinbrenner.
Truthfully, I haven’t had much time to watch baseball since a few days before the all star break. The summer is just too busy, the MLB season is just too long, and the Toronto Blue Jays just aren’t good enough.
In fact, I completely forgot that the Jays were playing the past week. The only clue I had was the highlights from Monday night’s game that I saw when I got home from baseball.
What did I see? Only another late game meltdown by the human gas can masquerading as the team’s closer, Kevin Gregg. My distaste from Gregg stems from his actions after a game a few weeks ago when he let loose with a typical Kevin Gregg performance: fastballs with no real purpose and no chance of threatening the strike zone, and off-speed pitches that drift lazily into batters’ wheelhouses.
For some reason, Gregg went after the umpire, complaining about balls and strikes, and got himself kicked out of the game. Here’s what I said about Gregg at the time:
There was no need for Gregg to go after the home plate umpire last night. Yes, he may have gotten squeezed on two calls. However, he walked FIVE in the inning and at least one of them was four straight balls. Gregg showed zero command of the strike zone. Why the hell should the umpire give him the benefit of the doubt? I saw at least four pitches that were saved from denting the backstop only by the athleticism of John Buck.
Great pitchers don’t whine to the umpires. They make adjustments. Great pitchers don’t walk five in one inning, blowing a great performance by your team. The honeymoon period with Kevin Gregg is now over. He’s done. Finished.
Then, last week, Cito came out of the dugout to pull Gregg from a game in which he walked three batters in a row to load the bases. Did Gregg sheepishly hand the ball to his manager, embarrassed at such a shoddy performance? No, he slapped the ball into Gaston’s hands and mouthed off to him on his way back to the dugout. He was actually pissed that Gaston was pulling him from the game.
Are you serious? How can a professional athlete have such little self-awareness?
What happened in Monday night’s game made me smile from ear to ear. Gregg entered the game and began pitching like shit as per usual. He gave up a couple of screaming line drives, threw a few balls everywhere but the strike zone, and blew the Jays one run lead.
Did Cito take him out? Absolutely not. He let Gregg hang himself out there to teach the arrogant piece of trash a lesson. Gaston basically told him, “You’re going to show me up on the field, then I’m going to let you blow another game for this team.”
It was fantastic to see an old school manager show an entitled millionaire how to properly conduct himself on the field. Unfortunately, the relationship is irreparably harmed. AA has to trade Gregg and get that bum out of town.
This recap will be a little bit different this morning. I was forced to eschew my regular, minute-by-minute recap due to baseball. We were playing the same team we brawled against a few weeks ago, so I couldn’t pass up the opportunity for another donnybrook.
As so often happens, no extracurricular activities took place in the rematch, but we did destroy those pansies 14-1.
Thus, I will recap sections of the show as I whip through the broadcast on PVR.
Bachelor Packing Montage
- I literally have nothing to say about this segment except I’m pissed off that the producers forced us to rehash past footage as a time-filler. What a joke. Let’s get to Tahiti already. I don’t need to see these guys pack their swimsuits for a three day trip.
- Oh, hold on. Frank has feelings for an ex-girlfriend? And the plot thickens.
- How could he just have these feelings for ‘Nicole’ now? Could it be that he wanted to appear on as many episodes as he can, so people in the industry know who he is and he can pass along his shitty screenplays to them? Actually, that’s probably exactly what I’d do.
- How can Frank have time to fly to Chicago? Is there a Chicago to Tahiti layover I’m not aware of? This seems as contrived and fake as the phone call to Justin’s alleged girlfriend.
- Why isn’t Nicole wondering why Frank is being followed by a camera crew?
- Pile of dog shit: a bed of roses is analogous to Nicole: Ali
- Why does Nicole even give a shit about what Frank is saying? She hasn’t seen this little twerp in months.
- She thought about Frank everyday? We are talking about the same guy, right? He must be hung like a Woolly Mammoth.
- This seems like a bad production of a cheesy soap opera. What a douchebag Frank is. I hope Ali beats the living shit out of him.
- “I miss your kisses.” I already hate Nicole more than anyone else this season and she’s only had five minutes of screen time.
- “I’m going have to go find Ali” is code for “I want to take this free trip to Tahiti and maybe try to bang Ali before I come back to Chicago and your ugly face.”
Ali and Roberto in Tahiti
- So if Frank is taking himself out of the running isn’t this entire episode pretty much pointless?
- “This is mi casa.” Wow, I had no idea that Roberto was Spanish.
- Fuckin’ helicopters.
- The island is in the shape of a heart? Uh, I don’t think so. Maybe a heart drawn by Muhammad Ali.
- Ali’s body is almost as good as Roberto’s. Wait, what? You know what I mean.
- Why is Roberto sweating so much? This feels like a hostage negotiation.
- Roberto’s going to drop an L-bomb.
- I’ve never seen him so awkward before. Aw, that was a genuinely sweet moment. Christ, I’m such a homo.
- Fantasy Suite Date!! Ok, here we go. Roberto is going to rock her world.
- “I want to spend as much time with you as possible.” Nice euphemism, Ali. I guess saying you’ve wanted to fuck his brains out since the first episode would come across a little whorish.
- “You’re soaking wet!” That’s what she said.
Chris and Ali in Tahiti
- Is she going out with Chris the morning after she slept with Roberto? Talk about sloppy seconds.
- Ali still pretending she’s a tour guide. We get it. She can read and memorize a cue card. We’re all very impressed.
- Ali has really hairy arms. I couldn’t tell which arm was hers and which was Chris’. I could have done without that shot in HD.
- I would like to accumulate a few more pearls and give Ali a necklace as a present. Probably on the Fantasy Suite date.
- This is coming from a man who lives and breathes pina coladas in the Caribbean, but those drinks are extremely effeminate.
- Chris is a very nice guy, but he makes for very boring television.
- If Chris is that bad of a kisser, I don’t have high hopes for his skills in the boudoir.
- All the best, Chris, but you have some pretty big shoes to fill after the Latin Lothario laid some pipe the night before. He better be a very, uh, ‘generous’ lover.
Frank the Douchebag Breaking Ali’s Heart
- I hope Frank gets eaten by a shark.
- Harrison should leap across the room and punch Frank square in his beady, little eyes.
- How is Nicole going to feel when she watches Frank fawn all over Ali like a schoolgirl in the first episodes?
- Just man up and tell her. Frank is such a drama queen.
- How could he break the heart of a girl with a beautiful face like that? I just want to console Ali and hold her. And maybe take advantage of her emotional state.
- Frank is actually crying more than Ali. This is pathetic. The guy needs some testosterone injections.
- Ok fine, you both gave up everything to be here. You do realize you’re in fucking Tahiti right now, right? Get over it.
- Harrison is such a great guy. He should end up with one of these broads one season.
- If this was a romantic comedy, Harrison and Ali would be making out right now.
- Frank is everything you’ve wanted in a guy? That is a compete slap in the face to Roberto and Chris.
- They need to stop trying to drum up faux suspense from this forthcoming rose ceremony. Both guys are accepting roses; let’s move on to next week.
CSzem and I reviewed the happenings at the 2010 Open Championship. I pat myself on the back for a correct prediction (and ignore a wrong one). We discuss the tournament and links golf as a whole and try to figure out if Tiger Woods will ever win a tournament again.
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