After CSzem’s glowing review of the premiere episode of Bachelor Pad, and my own PVR viewing, I felt compelled to do my own recap. I mean this show has everything: good looking people living in a house together, where all they do is hook up, fight, and try to win money, all without the gay pretence of trying to find true love.
It truly might be the greatest show to have ever graced the medium. Plus, it seems like Craig M. and I are kindred spirits, so it would be a disservice to you, my dear readers, if I didn’t recap this trash each and every week.
8:04 – I love how Elizabeth thinks that by blackmailing Kovacs, she’ll force him into a relationship, and then he’ll subsequently fall in love with her. I also love Kovac’s reaction: “The smartest thing for me in this game is to be in a relationship.” He’s using her for the game and she’s too busy patting herself on the back to notice. This is going to end terribly for the malevolent cock tease.
8:10 – I don’t know who this Melissa the co-host is, but she’s a stone cold fox.
8:11 – Rocky Balboa wouldn’t like this challenge: “Hey guys, this ain’t no pie eating contest.”
8:12 – What’s the over/under on how many instances of sexual innuendo I can make from this challenge? 47?
8:13 – “I don’t have a gall bladder, so I can’t eat pie.” Are you shitting me? Is that even a real side effect?
8:13 – “It’s up your nose, in your hair, on your neck.” That’s what she said.
8:14 – Jessie’s breasts are really showing me something. They should win immunity.
8:15 – I am oddly turned on by this.
8:16 – “You have to swallow.” Nothing needs to be said here.
8:21 – “Get in there!!” Yes ma’am.
8:22 – Apparently, Craig’s hair is actually a “multi-purpose tool.” He’s a genius. I love the guy more and more. He may use the pie juice as a new hair product.
8:24 – I will bet fifty dollars that this is the first time the Weatherman has ever been facedown in “pie” before.
8:25 – “He’s good at eating pie.” The shit-eating grin on Dave’s face when he said that was fantastic.
8:31 – Entrusting the Weatherman to coerce chicks to follow the plan might be the worst idea in the history of the world.
8:34 – The great thing about the Weatherman having a tiny johnson is that the inevitable erection that springs forth from his touching a human female will be easily concealed.
8:37 – They have named a segment of the roommates the Outsiders? Is this WCW in 1997? Where are Kevin Nash and Scott Hall?
8:45 – The Weatherman has zero game. This is painful to watch.
8:47 – And Gwen agrees with the above assertion. Of course she does. The Weatherman has zero self-awareness.
8:52 – Craig M and the Weatherman joining forces are like Magneto and Professor Xavier shooting pool together on a Friday night. I’m not even sure why I understand that analogy.
9:01 – “Do you want me to do you first?” Absolutely. And then you can paint my hand. Hey-oooooo!!!!!
9:05 – I thought Elizabeth didn’t kiss guys until she was engaged or something? So, she’s a whore now because she has blond hair? I’m confused.
9:06 – Is she blowing Kovacs in the shower? I bet Jake is kicking himself now.
9:08 – Wes is so ridiculously smooth. The Weatherman should be taking notes. He just ran Gia’s show there.
9:14 – Oh my God, Gia is such a moron. She just completely blew the game. I hope her boyfriend breaks up with her.
9:16 – Jessie putting the moves on Dave in the hot tub. Wait, so she actually said she’s going to fool around with him to move forward in the game? And the point of the game is to win money. Thus, I’m fairly certain this constitutes prostitution.
9:22 – The male Jesse is a smart dude. He recognizes that Natalie is a skank and is now acting apprehensive around her. Oh, you’re upset, Natalie? Well maybe stop acting like a dirty tramp that bangs every guy who has ever been on one of these shows.
9:27 – Haha Tenley just indirectly called Elizabeth a whore. The look on Elizabeth’s face was priceless. Did she not notice the camera in the bathroom with her and Kovacs earlier?
9:33 – The most surprising thing about this episode for me is the fact Elizabeth correctly used the word ‘behoove’ in a sentence.
9:39 – I could really do without the scheming and manipulating of who is being voted off. I feel like I’m watching a magic show. It’s all misdirection created by the producers. Let’s cut these episodes down to ninety minutes.
9:47 – Is Melissa not allowed to speak at these rose ceremonies? Harrison really keeps her in her place.
9:49 – Kovacs can barely conceal his contempt for Elizabeth and she has no idea. That makes me smile.
9:50 – Jesus, the Canadian contingent got hammered on this episode.
9:51 – Let’s all have a moment of silence for Craig M’s hair and Jessie’s breasts.
9:53 – What? Jessie actually thinks she has a chance with Dave? Please believe me when I say that Canadian women are not all that stupid.
What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.
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