Survivor Recap: The Heroes are Morons

(BOD - Angelina Jolie)

Back to my regularly scheduled Friday programming and a recap of last night’s Survivor episode. I purposely skipped last week’s episode because I was still reeling from Boston Rob’s ouster and used my silence on the matter as a protest.

However, I’m back and, evidently, I picked a great week to do so.

Let’s start off with the reward challenge. I hate challenges that pretty much boil down to a game of ‘Who Can Last the Longest?’ My hatred primarily stems from the constant reminder of my lacklustre sexual stamina.

Not only that, but such challenges are kind of boring and require zero physical strength or intelligence. Need proof? The fact the Villains won the challenge so handily just proves how horrible and useless the challenge was. Women shouldn’t be able to beat men in anything; unless it was a household chores contest (Ba-dum-cha!).

Did you know the challenge was sponsored by Outback Steakhouse? I had no idea. Probst only mentioned it 12 times in three minutes. I loved how Colby let loose with a “Bloomin’ Onion!” to try to get in their next ad campaign.

I was so jealous of that immunity idol note Parvarti received at the Outback reward dinner. It got passed from Parvarti’s underwear to Danielle’s bikini top. What a wild ride. I would pay five grand to be able to get that close to Danielle’s magnificent cleavage (if she makes it to the finals, I hope someone writes down ‘Danielle’s Breasts’ as their vote).

I really hate JT. He’s such a moron, and a bit of a douchebag. His comment that, “I didn’t even want to win the reward; I’ve eaten thousands of steaks in my life” made me want to punch him in the face. Well, look at you JT. You’re like the Queen of England.

The Heroes deciding to give the immunity idol to Russell is the dumbest thing I have ever seen on this show. I don’t understand why they assume there is a woman’s alliance. And why would they vocalize those thoughts when the Villains are in earshot? Just a monumentally stupid decision.

The comedy of JT writing a note to Russell with instructions with what to do with the immunity idol was off the charts hilarious. Watching JT write that letter was like watching a nine year old write a gushing fan letter to Justin Bieber. But, I have a question: where the hell did they get pen and paper from?

The entire passing of the immunity idol to Russell seemed a little fishy to me. Opposing tribes never congratulate each other after challenges. Jeff always sends the losers back to camp immediately. The entire scene seemed staged to me.

Tribal council was kind of boring. I am completely ambivalent to Courtney going home. But, how great did Coach look as the first member of the jury? He looked like an ancient Indian Shaman. He’s the best.

Was it just me or does Danielle have a mustache? There was a very weird shadow going on in her upper lip region. It was very distracting and took away some of my enjoyment of her breasts.

Next week’s merge episode looks fantastic.