Mitchell Report: Lost Files

As our readership grows, so does our commitment to provide you with the sort of fictional cutting edge news stories you won't find on other free blogging sites with a weekly readership of 15.

So, as we head into the new year, it's only right that we tarnish more reputations with "The Mitchell Report: The Lost Files". The following four names appeared in this special edition previously unreleased to the public:

#1. 1980 U.S. Men's Hockey Team (Olympic Gold Medal Winners)

Do you believe in miracles!?! No... not really.

#2. Clubber Lang (Former Heavyweight Champion)

He lives alone, he trains alone, he juices alone. Two instances of unmitigated aggression point to Clubber's use of performance enhancing drugs: his infamous "Hey Woman" diatribe at Rocky's statue unveiling, and his slaughtering of an endangered bald eagle to fashion himself a pair of designer ear rings.



#3. Al Bundy (Polk High's all-time leading rusher, recorded 4 TD in one game)

Remember how this show was lewd for it's time, and was a groundbreaker for smut in prime time television in the 90's? It was amazing how anything could be related back to sex:

Al: And I would've scored 5 TD in one game had I not been 6 inches short that day.

Peg: It's ironic... now you're 6 inches too short in the bedroom every night!

Laugh Track: (Howls)

Sitcom Writing 101 by Ferguson Gretzposito: in stores now.

#4. Jimmy Chitwood (Hickory Huskers leading scorer, malcontent)

The 'roids gave Chitwood the confidence to make his famous "I'll Make It" guarantee against South Bend Central High School in the 1951 Indiana State High School Basketball Championships. On a professional level, this is the same sort of confidence Roger Clemens gained to have him actually pitch well in a game that mattered.

Gretzpo

The Funniest Trailer in the History of the World

Merry Christmas from all of us here at Gretzpo's sports blog.

A couple of my jerkass friends made a movie, and here's the trailer for it. Of course, their success makes me spiteful and bitter ... but I have to admit that it looks pretty good.



All the best in the new year,

Gretzpo

Gregg Zaun: A Retraction

Gregg Zaun is the epitome of all that is wrong in sports. If that scowl had a caption, it would read: "I just roided up and am looking to strike someone."

My favorite Gregg Zaun moments: every time he was humiliated trying to throw a runner out at second, and every weak pop fly he hit with runners in scoring position. I once met Laura MacDonald, John MacDonald's wife, during a food drive: one of the first things I asked her was, "where's Gregg Zaun's wife?" Apparently she was hosting the steroid drive down the street.

Zaun's got one of those great names that's pretty much a nickname built in: "Zauner". Unfortunately, I'll be referring to him as "Jerk", "Cheater", or "Douchebag" from now on.

Things were not always this way... my fandom for Cheater was once unparalelled:

http://gretzposito.blogspot.com/2007/09/tribute-to-gregg-zaun.html

Special Guest Column: Innocence Lost

When you saw the title you probably thought this column would be about Tewks and a nubile, young woman... but you're mistaken.

This is an entry where my good buddy C-Szem discusses the Mitchel Report and it's fallout.

=====

This is my first guest column in this space. I had intended for my first foray into the blogging world to be insightful, but humourous. My predecessors on this blog have managed to entertain the readers, and I had hoped to do the same. But today, my passion for sport compels me to offer my first entry with a far more serious tone. I hope that you’ll come back to read more. Without ado.....

These are dark days. As a baseball fan, this seems an obvious statement. But from a societal perspective, on a day when heroes were torn down with a swift, 409 page report, the world seems a slightly more hardened place.

I’ll preface this column with the admission that today’s report included the name of one of my personal favourite players, Gregg Zaun. Zaun is, or so I thought he was, a player that embodies everything I value in sport. Hard-work, determination, taking every last bit of effort possible and achieving more than God-given talents should warrant. And now I feel like Gregg Zaun has dropped my heart into a bucket of boiling tears, and then hit my soul in the groin with a frozen sledgehammer.

The release of United States Senator George Mitchell’s report regarding his probe into steroids and performance enhancing drugs in the world of professional baseball leaves us with more questions than answers. The probe was intended to provide closure on an era marred by uncertainty and suspicion, but it seems that it’s done nothing to appease anyone. The report spreads the blame to all areas of baseball, for enabling the behaviour that eventually ran rampant throughout the game. And what was accomplished by this?

Yes, we identified some names that confirmed suspicions to this point. Roger Clemens started taking steroids in 1998, and went on to have arguably the most significant career resurrection ever seen by a pitcher over 33 years of age. Eric Gagne started taking steroids, and went from a middling starting pitcher with a 93 mph fastball, to an absolutely lights out closer with a 98 mph fastball. These are NOT revelations. Further, we identified that players like Mike Lansing and the immortal F.P. Santangelo took steroids, presumably to prolong their careers as their skills diminished below the required level to maintain employment in professional baseball. Again, this is NOT a revelation.

So what DID Senator Mitchell’s report accomplish? It managed to turn an entire generation of baseball fans cynical to everything they see. Until now, fans still had the option to respect the history and the tradition of the game, and enjoy every accomplishment with the necessary reverence. Baseball fans in general (at least those outside of Boston) wanted to believe that a 45 year old man could take the hill every 5 days and be a dominant starter. It’s a great story, really. But now, with the definitive tone of the report, it seems that every accomplishment in the world of sports will be questioned in the court of public opinion. Athletes that have evidently done things "the right way" will, even if not formally accused, have a shadow cast over their accomplishments. Albert Pujols, Alex Rodriguez, every sprinter that breaks the 100 m World Record, every cyclist who wins the Tour de France….these people will all feel the effects of increasing cynicism (Note: I have long held disdain for Alex Rodriguez, but unless having purple lips and cheating on your wife are included in the unfortunate side effects of steroids, the guy’s clean. But how can anyone break a record now without having it called into question, at least a little).

Certainly the argument could be made that scepticism in the fans/media of baseball was already extremely prevalent, and naturally this is true. The breadth and scope of this report, however, will make it seemingly impossible for players to improve their skills without suspicion. If you woke up Thursday morning confident that Mark McGwire never took performance enhancing drugs, then I don’t know what to tell you (other than that you live in a dream world), but if you (like me) went into work on Thursday feeling like it was possible for "good stories" to exist in the world of sport, this report has hit you the hardest. Brian Roberts (2B for the Baltimore Orioles…..for now) is a good example. Here’s a guy who seemed to steadily improve throughout his career, and then it culminated in a really big year, and a few quite strong years to follow – that’s a good story! Sure it would never make the first 10 minutes of Sportscentre, but this is the kind of accomplishment that should give hope to every underachiever that loves to play sports. Benito Santiago and Gregg Zaun, two catchers seemingly well past their primes, battled through whatever earlier career problems they had, and became productive players in the latter stages of their career. Again, this is a good story. With the release of this report, however, how is a baseball fan expected to accept improvement and excellence for being honest effort and hard work?

But the problem runs much deeper than scepticism in the world of baseball. Baseball has long been America’s pastime, and has embodied values that closely reflect that of society. This has been obvious throughout the history of the game. Jackie Robinson breaking the colour barrier was not only a seminal moment in sport, but a major occurrence in the civil rights movement within American society.

With today’s report, I can’t help but wonder if December 13th, 2007 will be a date that lives in infamy, not only in the future of sport within North American society, but also in the way society interacts with, and views, the games that have been held so dearly over the last 100 or so years. Today’s report merged politics and sport unlike ever before, and with the sports-obsessed society we live in, it seems likely that the apparent transparency of the report today will become the new gold standard for the information desired by the public in regards the games they follow so closely.

But is this a good thing? Part of the allure of sport is the unknown – which leads to the reverence we pay to the athletes who can achieve things the rest of us only dream of. The increased flow of information between the world of sports and the public feeds the desire to be closer to the games than ever before. The more and more we know, the less the mystique that remains. And with every factoid or revelation, a little bit of innocence is lost.

C-Szem

Talkin' With Tewks: Readers of this Blog Unite!

There are three reasons why I’m writing a blog entry well in advance of my monthly foray into journalistic excellence.

First, I am currently unemployed and I live at home with my parents. Writing for this blog is the only thing stopping me from taking a bath with a hair dryer.
Second, I have a burning desire to gloat. All four of the teams I picked to play in the NFL conference championships won on Sunday, proving that I, along with Bill Belichick, have an unparalleled football mind.

(Also, did anyone see who named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year? Brett Favre. That might have been the worst moment of my week. Who else was in the running? Michael Vick and Barry Bonds?)

Third, the stress of coming up with Pulitzer Prize-worthy column ideas is getting to me. I’m about ten days away from channeling my inner Hemingway, moving down to Key West and drinking myself stupid for the rest of my life.

This is why I am imploring my dozens of readers to help your good buddy Tewks in his time of need. Post any sports, popular culture or "man" questions or comments to the "comments" section at the end of this entry. I will answer every question that gets posted in my next column.

For example, if someone could comment on how to properly seduce a woman, this advice would prove invaluable to Gretzpo. We went out drinking on Saturday night and he wasted three hours talking to a masculine looking female (there’s a 35% chance she had a penis) and couldn’t close the deal. Clay Aiken has better game than Mr. Gretzpo.

Tewks writes one column a month for Gretzpo’s Sports Blog

Seperated At Birth?

A Shout Out to My Readers...

In an effort to build up a loyal fan base ... I will now profile all of the cities that had visitors to my site this week (not counting Tewks' constant refreshing to try and convince me that his columns bring in more visits). Hey, it's not a tremendous column idea, but it's not like I'm previewing the penultimate games of the NFL Season six weeks prematurely:

#1: Chino, California

First in khaki pant fashion, first in your hearts.

Whoa... whoa... according to WikiPedia, "Chino was used as a location during the filming of the movie 'Back To The Future', particularly the farmland setting when Marty first travels back in time to 1955."

Chino, California: come for the pants, stay for the Hollywood nostalgia.

Here's the thing about Back to the Future: sure, Marty was pre-occupied with trying to save his life and get back to the 80's ... but he couldn't use his skills and knowledge of the future to seduce at least one woman that wasn't his mother?

You've got to hand it to the citizens of Chino though: when negatively depicted in the once popular show "The OC", the citizens and local government voiced their discontent to FOX. Apparently they thought the show had long term viability.

#2: Lincoln, Nebraska

Ah... here's a city in which I'm vaguely familiar: it's actually the capital of Nebraska... whereas I would've guessed Omaha.

Apparently the hub of Lincoln drinking culture is downtown on "O Street". Which gives drunken University of Nebraska students the greatest pick-up opportunity ever:

"Hey baby... you've seen O Street... now how about I take you to O Town?"

"I don't understand... you mean like that short lived boy band?"

"No... like an orgasm. **Awkward Pause** Go Cornhuskers Go."

#3: Richmond, Virginia

Apparently Richmond is ranked as one of the friendliest cities in America. Honestly... not too much to say about Richmond... hmm... birthplace of legendary womanizer Warren Beatty.

Richmond has the distinction of bringing the United States together - Patrick Henry's rallying Revolutionary speech, "Give me Liberty or Give me Death" took place in Richmond - and also tearing it apart, as the capital of the Confederacy.

The capital of the Confederacy. Is that thing still around?
No?
So racial harmony must exist in the southern states now?
No?
Then what was the war about?

All right kids... that wraps things up... and now for a piece of sports wisdom:

An athlete that gives up on his team is like a girl that gives up on a blowjob: you're better off on your own, taking matters into your own hands.

Gretzpo

Talkin’ With Tewks

** Gretzpo Note: I'll no longer refer to Tewks as a guest columnist... since... in all honesty... he writes just as much as I do on here...

So, in summation, Tewks is many things: a liar, a womanizer, a cheat, a scoundrel, and a leech... but a guest? Not any more...

Talkin’ With Tewks

Based on the overwhelming reader response from my last column, Gretzpo, in a rare moment of clarity, begged me to flex some more journalistic muscle.

It was quite embarrassing to be perfectly honest; he was more pathetic than Britney Spears trying to ram her pontoon-like thighs into a pair of leather pants and parading herself up and down the streets of West Hollywood looking to score another rock of crystal meth.

With American Thanksgiving behind us, it seems that all of North America is concerned with only one sport: football. While I am an expert in many things (the Kama Sutra for example), football is not one of them.

My closest experience to playing the game is religiously watching Two-A-Days on MTV (in my next life, I am coming back as a 16-year-old high school quarterback from Alabama with bad hair and zero reading skills).

Therefore, I am more than qualified to write an NFL playoff preview. Actually, scratch that. I have such faith in my prognosticating abilities that I will give my picks for the Conference championships complete with in-depth, hard-hitting football analysis of the participating teams.

My knowledge of NFL franchises is limited to teams that osmosize (yeah, I made up a word) into my brain between reruns of Access Hollywood and NBC’s To Catch a Predator. Thus, here are the four teams that produce the heartiest collective hard-on among the mainstream media.

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEW
GREEN BAY PACKERS VERSUS DALLAS COWBOYS

Espn.com tells me that the Packers and the Cowboys have separated themselves as the class of the National Football Conference. Both teams have won more games than they’ve lost, so I suppose the crack ESPN staff is correct in their assertion.

The Packers are led by their peerless quarterback, the Right and Honourable Brett Favre. There’s something about Favre that I dislike; I think it has to do with pretentious way he pronounces his name. I mean its spelled F-A-V-R-E: it should be pronounced "fave-er" or "fav-re", not "farve." To me, he’s the Derek Jeter of the NFL.

Before all of my Wisconsin readers throw down their wheels of cheese to write harshly worded emails with their fat little fingers, I will say this: Brett Favre is a great quarterback. He is a surefire Hall of Famer and has two of the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen.

Unfortunately, Favre is also hideously overrated. To hear football pundits talk about him, you would think he’s the Second Coming of Christ, but with a stronger right arm. He is the all-time leader in touchdown passes with 436, but also the all-time leader in interceptions thrown with 283.

Here’s a free tip from Tewks: if you fling enough crap against a wall, some of it is bound to stick. This is how Brett Favre runs an NFL offense.

Yes, Favre led the Packers to a Super Bowl Title in 1997, but he was so strung out on prescription painkillers that there’s an excellent chance he doesn’t remember anything from the past 10 years.

I refuse to devote more than a paragraph to the Dallas Cowboys due to Tony Romo’s actions this past year. Not only did Romo date my future wife, Carrie Underwood, but he had the audacity to break up with her so he could "concentrate on football." Apparently Tony Romo is gay. I will heal your broken heart Carrie. Have no fear, Tewks is here.

The pick: Packers 21, Cowboys 14

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEW

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS VERSUS INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

I am not going to get on my moral high horse and bash the Patriots because of the early season cheating scandal. Yes, Bill Belichick is a smarmy little weasel who would steal your wife if you turned your back, but there is no denying that he has an unparalleled football mind.

He is taking it upon himself to punish every team he plays this year for those who think the Patriots three Super Bowl titles are tainted. And I am all for mercilessly beating a weaker opponent to show one’s domination.

Even Tom Brady has impressed me this year. I always thought his success was just a byproduct of a great offensive system put in place by Belichick, but his numbers this year are phenomenal. I have no problem saying that he is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. Plus, I feel a little sorry for him. Bridget Moynahan, worried Tommy was going to break up with her, deceitfully got herself pregnant with his kid so he’d always be in her life. The lesson: women are pure evil.

Brady couldn’t get any offense past the Colt’s secondary in last year’s AFC championship game, but apparently the uterus poses no problem for him.

No one is giving the defending Super Bowl champion Colts a chance against the Patriots; everyone is practically handing the Patriots their fourth title this decade. This is a terribly shortsighted view especially when God is a Colts fan. Tony Dungy, a devout Christian, is a terrific football coach and is in charge of a very similar group of players to last year’s championship squad.

Out of any teams in the NFL, only the Colts can match the Patriots in both offensive and defensive prowess. Talent-wise, there is little difference between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, Marvin Harrison and Randy Moss or Dwight Freeney and Teddy Bruschi.

This game will be decided with the intangibles that separate good teams from great teams. The team that limits their turnovers and penalties, executes on special teams and capitalizes on their opponent’s mistakes will emerge victorious in this heavily anticipated rematch from last year.

Ordinarily, I would never bet against the defending champions especially one as powerful as the Indianapolis Colts. Unfortunately, I cannot in good conscience pick a team whose coach doesn’t believe in the theory of evolution.

The Pick: Patriots 27, Colts 24

Tewks writes one column a month for Gretzpo’s Sports Blog

Random Shots...

I've been told to start blogging... as my good buddy Tewks doesn't want to be associated with someone who doesn't update his blog... even though he has no problem associating himself with a life of sloth, gluttony... and pretty much any of the remaining deadly sins.

Has anyone seen that new Canon PowerShot commercial with Maria Sharapova? Wow... I'd roll over for her...

... I don't entirely know what that means... I guess you can interpret that as "roll over and get some sleep after I've had relations with her".

So with the writer's strike dragging on... and my career as a business analyst for a plateauing Canadian retailer... well... plateauing... I'm starting to think of other potential careers... sports or entertainment related:

#1: Reality Show Creator

Why hasn't HBO jumped on the reality show bandwagon yet? I mean... here's a channel that can exploit all of man's vices... and they don't have any unscripted shows? Well... that will all change with mine and Tewk's HBO Reality Show Pitch: "Roman's Empire".

"How about this: we release a dozen nubile, young women into an elaborate labyrinth. If they can escape without being raped by Roman Polanski ... they win $500,000."

"You're both monsters"

"How about this: you plant naked photos of Meadow Soprano somewhere in the building... and we have 30 minutes to find them."

"That's not even a show."

"How about we just get some naked pictures of your secretary?"

"Get out of my office."

#2. General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs

It doesn't seem like this job would be too hard. The trick seems to be to do what every philosophy and communications student does when they choose their major: mortgage the future.

#3. Director of Marketing: Apple Computers

"Music is my boyfriend... music is my girlfriend... music is my king size bed... my music... is where... I want you... to touch... "

What the hell does that even mean? We get it... you're passionate about music... who thinks up these things?

My ICommercials would pack huge IPunch. You know those DirecTV commercials where actors reprise famous characters? Charlie Sheen... Shannon Elizabeth... Pamela Anderson...

Mine would be similar: but with only Karate Kid Characters...

"Get him an IPod for Christmas... YEAH!!!!!"

"What's a matter Daniel? Mommy not here to program your IPhone for you?"

And finally... some sort of montage involving a drunk Mr. Miyagi and his user friendly IMac.

Gretzpo

Guest Column: Talkin' With Tewks

Gooooood Morning Vietnammmmmm!!!!

Live from a brothel in Phnom Penh, this is the maiden voyage of the journalistic vessel known as Talkin' with Tewks. This is the first in a series of guest columns that will give both readers of this blog a chance to experience the work of a talented writer.

First, a little background on me: I am Tewks, an immature man-child who enjoys "all you can eat" ribs and paying for sex. Gretzpo has been on hiatus for the past month; the perils of internet superstardom led to an extended stay at the Promises Rehab facility. Now he just spends his days trying to convince Lindsay Lohan that his small penis is a cocaine-flavoured lollipop.We hope to have him back soon. Now, without further a-choo . . .

Derek Jeter versus Alex Rodriguez

For the past decade, there has been an ongoing debate among baseball purists over who is the better all-around player: Derek Jeter or Alex Rodriguez.

Some fans maintain that Alex Rodriguez has a better skill set and more talent than Jeter, but Jeter possesses certain intangible qualities that cannot be quantified with statistics. He is looked upon as a true leader, who raises his game in the clutch and baptizes heathen babies in his spare time.

Rodriguez is thought to be a fragile prima donna who cannot perform with the game on the line and enjoys the company of muscle-bound, androgynous strippers (although that last part is disturbingly true).

Both players exploded onto the baseball landscape in 1996. Beginning his career with the Seattle Mariners, Rodriguez captured the American League Rookie of the Year award as a 19 year old hitting .358 with 36 home runs. Likewise, in the 1996 playoffs, the first tale in the legend of Derek Jeter was created in the ALCS against the Baltimore Orioles. Jeter hit a deep fly to left field. A young fan reached into the field of play and snatched the ball out of the air. The umpiring crew, probably distracted by Jeter’s piercing gaze and chiseled features, incorrectly determined that the sure out was in fact a home run.

This fraud home run was the beginning of Jeter’s reputation as one of the greatest playoff performers the sport has ever known.

There is no question that Jeter and A-Rod were the cream of the shortstop crop throughout the late 1990s until 2004, when A-Rod was traded to the Yankees and accepted a move to third base. There is not a baseball scout alive that would rank Jeter as being a superior shortstop to Rodriguez.

A-Rod has better range, a better glove and a vastly stronger arm than Jeter. It is the media who perpetrates the myth that Jeter is a phenomenal shortstop; he’s good, not great. Every October, Tim McCarver and Joe Buck fawn over Jeter like a couple of freshmen coeds at a frat party looking to lose their virginity to the star quarterback after too many Zinfandels.

Why did A-Rod move to third and Jeter stay at short? Rodriguez offered to switch because he did not want to create controversy. If Rodriguez gave the Yankees a stronger defense and Jeter is "all about the team", wouldn’t he have offered to move to second and give A-Rod short?

This did not happen because Jeter wanted to remain "The Man" and continue his monopoly on trolling every club in Manhattan preying on coked out, bottom-feeding C-list actresses and models.

During the 2006 season, Rodriguez was scuffling at the plate and the New York media and Yankees fans were mercilessly booing the star third baseman.

Jeter, as Captain America, should have stood up for his teammate and encourage the media to back off. Instead he acted all pissy because Mariah Carey would rather eat vats of Haagen-Dazs ice cream than engage in 37 seconds of uncomfortable sex with a "True Yankee."

In terms of regular season statistics, A-Rod is one of the greatest players of all time. Jeter profits from playing under the New York spotlight: if he was producing similar numbers for the Kansas City Royals, he wouldn’t have legions of white, middle-aged sportswriters trying to hide their man-crush induced erections every time he steps to the plate.

While Rodriguez does not come close to replicating his regular season stats in the playoffs, the supposed discrepancy between the two players just isn’t there. Look at the 2007 Divisional Series: A-Rod finished with a higher batting average, slugging percentage, more home runs and more total bases than the media-anointed Mr. Clutch.

Well, my refractory period just ended so I have some business to attend to.

Until next time sports fans.

Tewks writes a column for this blog whenever he feels like it.

We're Gonna Need a Montage...

So I’m watching the Cleveland Indians destroy the New York Yankees on Monday night … down 2-1 in the series, and down 6-3 in the bottom of the ninth, Bobby Abreu smacks a home run to right field to close the gap to two runs.

And what do I hear?

The home run song from "The Natural".

I was taken aback: was the greatest song in baseball movie history, celebrating the biggest home run in movie history, being used to celebrate a gap closing home run in game 4 of the ALDS?

Apparently it was … but from my shock and awe came a sorely needed idea for a column: the greatest sports movie songs and montages of all time. In no particular order:

Rocky I - "Gonna Fly Now"
The montage that started it all. It’s hard to believe that I was -8 years old when this movie came out: but I feel like I’ve watched it enough for multiple lifetimes.

30 seconds into his run in the apparent shanty town that is Philadelphia, a local vendor throws Rocky an orange: symbolizing the bond between Philadelphia and it’s native son. Judging by the slums he’s running in, I’m surprised he wasn’t thrown a switchblade.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EADM_Ak3GTg

Rocky IV - "No Easy Way Out"
I want this to be my wedding song. When I was younger I used to pay homage to the Rocky series by naming all of the scenes during this song and when they occurred over the course of the franchise. Now I pay homage to this song by not watching the road when I drive, and slamming my car into neutral because I like to pretend I’m switching gears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htKpqgaPD9E

Rocky III - The Clubber Montage
I can’t find this montage on YouTube. All I can find is the beach montage where Apollo and Rocky finally declare their man-love for each other …

Rocky III - The Homo-Erotic Montage
"HO HO HO HO! Very nice!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgWP57cNNMM

Damn I love this movie. A very under-the-radar aspect of this film is Paulie’s unabashed racism:
"I don’t like these people"
"He can’t train to this jungle music!"
"You can’t train him like a coloured fighter"

No way Paulie gets away with that in 2006 … the directors had to turn his racism to another target: Native Americans.

Rudy - Spring Training
Ah… "5 foot nothin’, 100 and nothin’" Rudy Ruttiger living his dream on the Notre Dame football field. The highlight of this montage is the scene about 3 minutes in:

After being humiliated during a tackling drill, a defiant Rudy stands up to run the drill again:

"C’mon! Let’s do it again"
"Nah… you had your chance… get out of here"
"No! I can do it!"
"You can do it? Let’s see!"

Which is eerily similar to what was said the night I lost my virginity.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnPxOttpVdI

Karate Kid - Ralph Macchio becomes a man
Daniel LaRusso is able to regain the love of Ali Mills with the help of his "bobbing for apples" kissing technique. Think the music during this video is cheesy? I listened to it on my way into work today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmwR94DFEes

Clip is a bit lengthy... but a great watch.

Karate Kid - "You’re the best: around! Nothing’sgonnaeverkeepyoudown!"
The ultimate montage, in my opinion. Watch as Daniel takes out seemingly more talented opponents using a wide array of martial arts tactics including: side-step and chop to the back of the head, front kick to unguarded midsection, and the devastating "block slow punch/score with even slower punch" combo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fWvub_WBho

The Natural - The Final Home Run
Did anyone think to test Roy Hobbes for HGH after this mammoth shot?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGH_mtib9fo

Let me tell you a little story about baseball: I’m playing for my high school team, the Blue Devils. Not once had we won a game: two on, two out, down by a run … Ellis comes to the plate and hits a go ahead single: you’ve got yourself a legacy going baby!

Yes… my legacy is the fact that I kept my high school baseball team from going 0 and 7 on the year.

Rocky IV - First Training Montage
Isn’t it ridiculous that I have to qualify a movie by saying that it’s the "first" training montage, because there are two montages?

I’m sorry… did I say "ridiculous"? I meant to say "awesome".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7Kg_w-0y_w

A good friend of mine lived out two of the scenes in this movie: he pushed a car out of the snow and jogged off, and dropped his weight after a tricep curl. On the contrary, I once gave myself a hernia chopping wood at my grandparent’s farm.

That wraps it up… my foray into NFL prognostication did not go well: my Week 5 record? 2-9-1. Needless to say … I’m conceding to the coin.

Week 5 NFL Picks

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Agent Michael Scarn Presents: 2007/2008 NHL Preview

Ah… another Wednesday, another blog. Soon two great times of the year will be upon us: the start of the NHL Season, and the start of Season 4 of The Office. So because of this (and partly because quoting makes column writing easier) here’s your 2007/2008 NHL Preview: "The Office" version…

"I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey, the mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that... I was good."

The Teams: Columbus, Atlanta, Nashville, Minnesota, Florida, Phoenix, Carolina.

Similarly to Dwight's school play, the NHL has too many teams: in a lot of these cities, even the citizens wouldn’t notice if their NHL team vanished. And with the new parity of the Canadian dollar, arguments for cities such as Winnipeg, Quebec City and Hamilton have never been stronger.

"I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at."

The Teams: San Jose, Chicago

These are the youngest teams in the league, and both are in the Western Conference: only the Sharks are going to be any good.

"In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion, you're dead."

The Team: Montreal

I don’t know who the most injured team was last year, but from the way you’d hear their fans bitch and complain, I’m guessing that it was Les Habitants.

Also … can we stop judging injuries by the term "man games"? Am I alone in thinking that this is a very homosexual term?

"We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy"

The Teams: Pittsburgh and Washington

Sidney Crosby is on a team with Mark Recchi, Evgeni Malkin, Jordan Staal, and Petr Sykora…
… the additions of Viktor Kozlov and Michael Nylander were good… but Alexander Ovechkin is still as alone as Rocky Balboa on top of the mountain (that joke’s a bit of a stretch).

"You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you."

The Teams: New York Islanders, Edmonton, Boston

All of the above will be awful this year. The worst part is, I’m an Edmonton Oilers fan: but the fact that free agents avoid the city like the plague and that Kevin Lowe is incompetent make me wonder if I made the right choice.

"I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments, and that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up."

The Teams: Calgary, Tampa Bay

Ah… John Tortorella always found a way to keep the Tampa Bay Lightning in the news. And now that Mike Keenan’s coaching again, how long until a coach finally pulls a John Gibbons and challenges one of his players to a fight?

"Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most."

The Teams: New York Rangers, Philadelphia, Buffalo

Remember how the salary cap was supposed to bring back competitive balance to the NHL? Now we’re 3 years removed from the infamy of the lockout and the Buffalo Sabres are once again being purged like the Red Army after their devastating military defeat at Leningrad.

Hmm… now… a World War II analogy for what the Rangers and Flyers did in the offseason: they would be like the Swedish or the Swiss: using their vast amounts of iron ore and other riches to profit while other countries struggle.

The worst part is, I actually have a Swedish reader … I’m sure he’ll let me know if that crosses the line.

"I’ve never met anyone with so little self awareness"

The Team: Toronto

Paul Maurice thinks that the Toronto Maple Leafs will make the playoffs, and challenge for the Stanley Cup. I think I’ve said enough about the Leafs in my previous column to let you know where I stand on this issue.

"When I was in the 6th grade I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure"."

The Teams: Ottawa, Los Angeles, St. Louis, Vancouver, Dallas

All of the above have either never won a cup or are historic playoff underachievers. Or if you’re the Dallas Stars, you have a goalie who’s been labeled as a playoff choker … even when you come within a game of beating the amazing Roberto Luongo.

"You can’t be Slytherin, they’re the bad guys"

The Teams: Detroit Red Wings

I don’t like the Detroit Red Wings… how they’re good every year… meanwhile I’m stuck cheering for a team that let Ryan Smyth go because he wanted to get paid what he was worth… unbelievable… there’s no joke here… I’m too pissed off. I originally had the Colorado Avalanche on this list because Ryan Smyth should only be playing for the ‘Oil… but I can’t root against a team with Joe Sakic and Ryan Smyth… I can’t do it.

"It’s a big loss… Dwight was our top salesman"
"WAS … our top salesman"
"I said was"

The Team: Anaheim Ducks

Anaheim … I hate them… I hope they don’t repeat. The last three cup winners have been Anaheim, Carolina and Tampa Bay: somewhere Frank "Pud" Glass is turning over in his grave... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_%22Pud%22_Glass

2007/2008 Maple Leafs Preview

I love the Leafs and Leafs fans, purely for entertainment value. My favorite is the stereotypical Leaf fan, "Joe from Woodbridge", who's always on the radio call in shows making outlandish claims like Alex Ponikarovsky has 50 goal potential.

I'm constantly having an argument with a good buddy of mine, who claims that historically the Leafs are a better team than the Edmonton Oilers. I argue that since their inception, the Oilers have five cups to the Leafs zero, making the Oilers a historically better team. When that doesn't shut him up, I raise the point that the Leafs once brought Calle Johansson out of retirement for a playoff run ... Calle Johansson!

Anyways... onto the preview... because Karate Kid is the greatest movie of all time, each player will be compared to a character from the movie franchise:

Nik Antropov - Injured Daniel LaRusso (All Valley Karate Championship Version)


Much like our favourite beleagured martial artist, Nik Antropov has had knee issues, with three reconstructive surgeries in his career. Also, like Daniel LaRusso in his fight scenes, it appears as though Nik has absolutely no idea what he's doing when he's out there...

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Darcy Tucker - Tommy from the Kobra Kai ("Get him a body bag... YEAAAAHHH!!!)

Tommy was a hothead with marginal skill who frequently lost his cool: Darcy Tucker's just a hothead.

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Mark Bell - Mr. Miyagi (Drunk Version)

"Banzai!!!"

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Alex Steen - Dutch (Played by Chad McQueen ... Steve McQueen's son)


Neither will ever step out of their father's shadow...


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Mats Sundin - Johnny Lawrence

Every time I watch The Karate Kid I know that Johnny Lawrence is leading a gang that will eventually come up short in the end... I feel the same way when Mats Sundin takes the ice every October.


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Bryan McCabe - Chozen


For those of you unfamiliar with the plot details of Karate Kid II, Chozen is the villain who bilks peasants out of money by posing as a legitimate merchant: Bryan McCabe has bilked MLSE out of millions of dollars by posing as a legitimate defender.


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Pavel Kubina - Ali Mills (played by the breathtaking Elisabeth Shue)

None of the beauty, none of the grace, all of the toughness: he may have even sprained his wrist punching somebody.

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And Finally...


Paul Maurice - John Kreese (Sensei of the Kobra Kai dojo) ... Played by Martin Kove

Both experienced highlights of their careers in these respective roles ... both will be unemployed 10 months later.

Coming Soon: 2007 Maple Leafs Preview

I'll try and post once a week from my bunker here in the 'Saug ... but I've been really busy lately.

I tried to watch that new show "K-Ville" tonight ... but I can't take Anthony Anderson seriously in any role: I can only see him as the fat three point shooter on "Hang Time".

On the topic of "Hang Time" here's a pic of the lovely Daniella Deutscher, who played point guard Julie Connor for the Deering Tornadoes ... and may or may not be currently starring in late night cinema.

A Tribute to Gregg Zaun

Gregg Zaun is the epitome of grit and hustle. If that scowl had a caption, it would read: "I just ate a plate of glass for dinner ... and I'm washing it down with a bottle of tabasco sauce".

My favorite Gregg Zaun moments: knocking himself unconscious trying to break up a double play on May 8th, 2005 (wow, I looked something up), hitting a three run bomb that night my entire business class cheered him on drunkenly, and that time he threw out a runner trying to steal second.

I once met Laura MacDonald, John MacDonald's wife, during a food drive: one of the first things I asked her was, "where's Gregg Zaun's wife?"

Zaun's got one of those great names that's pretty much a nickname built in: "Zauner"


Blue Jays Nicknames I've tried to get to catch on but have had no luck:

Ray "Tony" Olmedo
Aaron "Salisbury" Hill
Fatt Stairs
Jordan De "Youngblood"

Jamie Campbell's like a sly politician: but instead of promising health care and drug plans, he gains the support of the elderly by reminding them when it's their birthday.

Gretzpo

Gretzpo's World Cup of Rugby Primer

Here’s what I know about Rugby… I flatted with a guy in Budapest from New Zealand who owned a rugby ball: therefore my preview will be limited to countries in which I have comedic fodder…

Canada:

Why is it all former English colonies excel at field sports except for Canada?

Canadian coach Ric Suggit has said that "this team won’t lie down for anyone" … which usually translates into "we don’t have the ability to compete: but we’ll try hard". Which is all we expect from all of our Canadian teams that aren’t hockey teams: who have to win … even if it means Bobby Clarke has to break some Soviet ankles.

Highlight: Our coaches’ name is "Suggit".

Lowlight: Our world ranking of 13th sandwiches us between Fiji and Tonga.

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England:

The 2003 defending champs have been struggling lately: but England fullback Mark Cueto believes that no one should "write off" the English side. Which is much better than the "this team won’t lie down for anyone" that the Canadian side offered up.

Highlight: The English squad faces the Americans in their first matchup, whom they defeated 106-8 in 1999.

Lowlight: This sounds like a wide margin of victory: but I really have no idea.

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New Zealand:

My buddy Scott that I lived with in Budapest wore only two shirts the entire time I knew him: a green dress shirt and his All Blacks rugby jersey. One time he lost a shirt on a drunken ride home on a streetcar, but he had his jacket done up the entire time. Unbelievable…

And how about their colourful name, "The All Blacks". Could any other sport get away with this? Could you imagine a basketball team called "The All Blacks"? Or a fencing team called "The All Whites"?

Highlight: French soccer star Zinedine Zidane recently impressed All Black fly-half Dan Carter with his rugby skills.

Lowlight: The praise was under the threat of a devastating headbutt.

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France:

Remember that scene in Last of the Mohicans where the English General questioned the courage of the French during the Seven Years War, saying they’d rather "make love with their mouths" than fight? I love that line.

Highlight: France has the edge of being the host country.

Lowlight: They’re already 0-1, having been upset by Argentina in the first match of the tournament: ruining my 2007 Rugby World Cup bracket.

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All right… enough insightful rugby talk for now... I don't want to wear both of my readers out. I’ll be back next week with an in depth look at one of my favourite Blue Jay players.

An Open Letter To Rogers Sportsnet...

Typically, I'm not the type to e-mail and ask to have someone removed from the air... but enough is enough: you have got to fire Jamie Campbell. The guy's a nice guy... I WANT to like him... but he makes every single Jays game I watch less enjoyable.

He blows plays... his stories aren't interesting... and he has the worst depth perception of anyone in the history of the world... he often doesn't know it's a home run until it's over the wall... regardless of how well it's struck off the bat.

In a pivotal game against the BoSox Tuesday night ... the Jays have a chance to go to 4.5 games out of the wildcard and 5 games above .500 ... two on... a fly ball to left field off of Jesse Litsch:

"Not very deep"

As a Blue Jays fan... I breathe a sigh of relief... and take a swig of my refreshing cream soda...

"... But deep enough... it's gone!"

Wait a minute! I thought it "wasn't very deep"? ... now the Jays are down 3-1... and I just spat up an entire mouthful of cream soda on my favorite polo shirt.

Sorry... I'm doing my best to try and keep this succinct. Because commentating abilities are no laughing matter...

All I'm trying to say is that it's bad enough having to deal with the ups and downs inherent in following a sports team ... but now I have to deal with inept commentating flirting with my emotions?

I love the Jays ... I watch or go to every game I can: I think, as a fan, I deserve better than Jamie Campbell. And I know I'm not alone on this ... I've never once heard anyone compliment his abilities. So, please, for the 2008 season, give us better than Jamie Campbell.

Sincerely,

Gretzpo


Next time: A fearless look at the 2007 Rugby World Cup