Talkin’ With Tewks

** Gretzpo Note: I'll no longer refer to Tewks as a guest columnist... since... in all honesty... he writes just as much as I do on here...

So, in summation, Tewks is many things: a liar, a womanizer, a cheat, a scoundrel, and a leech... but a guest? Not any more...

Talkin’ With Tewks

Based on the overwhelming reader response from my last column, Gretzpo, in a rare moment of clarity, begged me to flex some more journalistic muscle.

It was quite embarrassing to be perfectly honest; he was more pathetic than Britney Spears trying to ram her pontoon-like thighs into a pair of leather pants and parading herself up and down the streets of West Hollywood looking to score another rock of crystal meth.

With American Thanksgiving behind us, it seems that all of North America is concerned with only one sport: football. While I am an expert in many things (the Kama Sutra for example), football is not one of them.

My closest experience to playing the game is religiously watching Two-A-Days on MTV (in my next life, I am coming back as a 16-year-old high school quarterback from Alabama with bad hair and zero reading skills).

Therefore, I am more than qualified to write an NFL playoff preview. Actually, scratch that. I have such faith in my prognosticating abilities that I will give my picks for the Conference championships complete with in-depth, hard-hitting football analysis of the participating teams.

My knowledge of NFL franchises is limited to teams that osmosize (yeah, I made up a word) into my brain between reruns of Access Hollywood and NBC’s To Catch a Predator. Thus, here are the four teams that produce the heartiest collective hard-on among the mainstream media.

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEW
GREEN BAY PACKERS VERSUS DALLAS COWBOYS

Espn.com tells me that the Packers and the Cowboys have separated themselves as the class of the National Football Conference. Both teams have won more games than they’ve lost, so I suppose the crack ESPN staff is correct in their assertion.

The Packers are led by their peerless quarterback, the Right and Honourable Brett Favre. There’s something about Favre that I dislike; I think it has to do with pretentious way he pronounces his name. I mean its spelled F-A-V-R-E: it should be pronounced "fave-er" or "fav-re", not "farve." To me, he’s the Derek Jeter of the NFL.

Before all of my Wisconsin readers throw down their wheels of cheese to write harshly worded emails with their fat little fingers, I will say this: Brett Favre is a great quarterback. He is a surefire Hall of Famer and has two of the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen.

Unfortunately, Favre is also hideously overrated. To hear football pundits talk about him, you would think he’s the Second Coming of Christ, but with a stronger right arm. He is the all-time leader in touchdown passes with 436, but also the all-time leader in interceptions thrown with 283.

Here’s a free tip from Tewks: if you fling enough crap against a wall, some of it is bound to stick. This is how Brett Favre runs an NFL offense.

Yes, Favre led the Packers to a Super Bowl Title in 1997, but he was so strung out on prescription painkillers that there’s an excellent chance he doesn’t remember anything from the past 10 years.

I refuse to devote more than a paragraph to the Dallas Cowboys due to Tony Romo’s actions this past year. Not only did Romo date my future wife, Carrie Underwood, but he had the audacity to break up with her so he could "concentrate on football." Apparently Tony Romo is gay. I will heal your broken heart Carrie. Have no fear, Tewks is here.

The pick: Packers 21, Cowboys 14

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEW

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS VERSUS INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

I am not going to get on my moral high horse and bash the Patriots because of the early season cheating scandal. Yes, Bill Belichick is a smarmy little weasel who would steal your wife if you turned your back, but there is no denying that he has an unparalleled football mind.

He is taking it upon himself to punish every team he plays this year for those who think the Patriots three Super Bowl titles are tainted. And I am all for mercilessly beating a weaker opponent to show one’s domination.

Even Tom Brady has impressed me this year. I always thought his success was just a byproduct of a great offensive system put in place by Belichick, but his numbers this year are phenomenal. I have no problem saying that he is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. Plus, I feel a little sorry for him. Bridget Moynahan, worried Tommy was going to break up with her, deceitfully got herself pregnant with his kid so he’d always be in her life. The lesson: women are pure evil.

Brady couldn’t get any offense past the Colt’s secondary in last year’s AFC championship game, but apparently the uterus poses no problem for him.

No one is giving the defending Super Bowl champion Colts a chance against the Patriots; everyone is practically handing the Patriots their fourth title this decade. This is a terribly shortsighted view especially when God is a Colts fan. Tony Dungy, a devout Christian, is a terrific football coach and is in charge of a very similar group of players to last year’s championship squad.

Out of any teams in the NFL, only the Colts can match the Patriots in both offensive and defensive prowess. Talent-wise, there is little difference between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, Marvin Harrison and Randy Moss or Dwight Freeney and Teddy Bruschi.

This game will be decided with the intangibles that separate good teams from great teams. The team that limits their turnovers and penalties, executes on special teams and capitalizes on their opponent’s mistakes will emerge victorious in this heavily anticipated rematch from last year.

Ordinarily, I would never bet against the defending champions especially one as powerful as the Indianapolis Colts. Unfortunately, I cannot in good conscience pick a team whose coach doesn’t believe in the theory of evolution.

The Pick: Patriots 27, Colts 24

Tewks writes one column a month for Gretzpo’s Sports Blog